a wave of panic is washing over me, threatening to engulf me and sweep me away in its gushing wake. i am having trouble breathing, my chest is constricting - and this is a too-real sign that i am, at the end of the day in spite of all my bravado: petrified. 

2:28 PM;

5:29 PM;

i had an overwhelming desire to just delete this blog and move to a new address.

leave the traces of my old life in the back of my life and not be reminded of the semblences of what used to be.

but then i didn't, for several reasons. the most crucial reason was simply that i was far too lazy to move. to edit the html for a new blog, get another address for the new blog - so much hassle. i might do that sometime later this week though, when all the visiting's over and i get to sit down and enjoy my term break.

and then, what about my friends who read my blog? those who care for me and use the blog as a way to see what's going on in my life? my blog didn't start out like that, but it seems like it's become that in recent times. new media and its impacts on our lives man. i shall talk about it in my new media term paper.

so anyway. as i said. no more 'ohhh i'm so sad, i feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces' nonsense from me anymore. the sadness or hurt or whatever will remain wordless and at the back of my mind and heart.

i've been sleeping a lot lately. i think it's a form of escape, kinda, since i don't wanna think about things anymore, don't wanna talk about things anymore, don't wanna entertain any notion of anything anymore. and so, i just sleep it all away. which is good also, since i think i'm in the process of paying off a major sleep debt anyway. i dunno if all this is ultimately running away from whatever's on hand, and i don't wanna think too much about what i'm doing. overthinking things has its way of wrecking havoc on your emotions and messing with your head. clam it all up, i say. don't bother other people anymore. don't bother you anymore with things you can do nothing about. don't bother myself even, by thinking. just exist.

sighhhhhhh frustrating, how i still have a galaxy full of things to talk about and yet i don't want to bring myself to say anything anymore. i think sometimes girls tend to overtalk. for what? you bare your soul and your heart and in the end, you just get slapped right across your face. no wonder people clam up in the later years of their lives. when you've been hurt once or twice before, you tend to learn your lesson and remember not to expose your vulnerabilities again. i don't wanna become like some bitter, grouchy old auntie next time who can't express herself except by snapping at her little nieces or nephews, wishing she'd fallen in love and stayed in love when she was still an idealistic girl and becoming all the more bitter at that. no wonder old people sometimes don't fear death cos they've already lived such a long life that all they want to do is rest and take a break from everything. do i fear death? perhaps i do, i'm scared of how dying will feel like. but i really do look forward to the respite it'll grant me from everything going on now, the nothingness and the disappearance of the scars that threaten to not leave me and remain there, ugly and jarring.

i still believe, i still do. only that whatever it is, i stick to whatever's been said previously: shut the hell up Kelly. not just tonight, but every single night from now on.

i foresee this blog will start to see a lot more activity soon cos since i am going to attempt to not bring things up to you or anyone ever again, i might have to turn to here and talk about random, possibly puzzling things that'll make sense to no one but me - but i think it'd be better that way. of course, if people ask me about things, i'll tell them (in no more than 150 words), summarized and quick, then just drop it all again. I TALK TOO MUCH FOR MY OWN BLOODY GOOD AND I WILL NOT ANYMORE. yeah.

4:34 AM;

Kelly's Chinese New Year resolutions for 2007:

i will stop talking about EVERYTHING and carry on as though nothing ever ever ever happened.

i will shut up and stop whining and musing. no more long rambly posts about love and sadness and all that nonsense. i am past that.

i will just smile and smile and smile, even though my cheeks may ache like crap after that. i will not cry anymore, will not expose my vulnerabilities again, will not say what's really on my mind or in my heart again. no bloody point talking about things that won't change.

i will love me, even if no one else will.

not only will i stop talking about everything, i will stop thinking about everything and stop feeling anything about anyone. i will put a stop to everything even if it kills me to. and if i can't stop it, i will just hide everything away until everything's over. no more, i say. it's been going on for too long, far too long. the way i see it, nothing's EVER gonna come out of this all, so i will just kiss everything goodbye and shove it all away.

i will put my life in order so that i can be here for my family.

i will put my cap in order so that i will graduate with a second upper honours, at least.

i will not be sidetracked by anything i might think, feel, or whatever human weaknesses. i will just throw myself into what i want to fulfill.

i will not succumb to my emotions ever again. i will not let what i feel get the better of me. i will wrest control over whatever i feel and if i can't, i will just chuck it all aside.

i will deepen my relationship with my Lord and actively seek to just follow his will for me in my life. i will not lose faith in his promise to me that he wants me to be happy and that whatever happens now may seem like absolute shit to me but is in actual fact, a very necessary process for him to give me what he intended for me initially. i can't see what he has in store for me, but i have absolutely no doubt that everything he has planned for me will make me happier than i ever imagined myself to be.

i will never again allow myself to throw myself onto anyone, physically or emotionally. i will stand on my own two feet and rely on no one else but God. everyone has their own shit to handle. i will handle my own. i will keep my mouth shut and fingers from dialling numbers of people i feel i need to talk to because i am tired, so tired.

i will treat myself a lot better this year. i will take care of my body, take care of my emotions, and not let them run amok and hurt myself. i will eat when i feel like eating and drink a lot more water. my complexion is getting bad.


i will try, i really will. but if i can't, i will live with it all.






i am tired of everything, i really am. and all i want to do is stay home and hide in my room for a million, trillion years.

but no. i will not hide from the world.

a trip to the seaside is in order soon. i need to listen to the sound of the waves on the shore to soothe my frazzled nerves and feel the cool breeze on my face to feel alive. i should ask someone, anyone along for company, in case i do anything stupid if i become lost in my depression or the sudden mood-swings that hit me every now and then. but i doubt it lah, i'm too smart to do anything stupid heh. i'm too tired to ask anyone. i will just go myself and walk on the sand and be by myself. just me, the sea and God.


run, far far away. feel the wind on my face, my hair flying out behind me, nothing between me and everything else. run, just keep running. and when my heart can't take it no more, when it needs to stop to breathe, i will just throw myself high up into the sky and close my eyes, say a prayer, and tumble back down onto the green field and never wake up again. feel my legs moving quickly, pounding on the ground, feel my heart beating inside my chest, feel alive, and then, love the life i am living.

7:51 PM;

longlong day today! just came back from my grandparents' place for reunion dinner. was still feeling full from the steamboat i'd had for lunch earlier on, so couldn't stomach very much of the very delicious food on the table.

i know New Year's supposed to be really that - a new year. new year on the 1st of Jan. Chinese New Year. all supposed to be new beginnings and fresh starts. throw away the old life, start anew. because it's a new year. but then again, look at it this way. whenever you go to bed at night and close your eyes and lose consciousness for that few hours, it's the end of a day, innit? then when you open your eyes again the next morning and roll out of bed, it's a new day, innit? supposed to be a brand new start. then when you think even more, you can stretch this to practically every second of your life. when one second of your life's over, it's over. the next second IS a brand new start. you get to live that new second in a new way, the only thing that stopping you from doing that is your own self.

you cling on to how you've lived in the past hour or past minutes or whatever, you cling on to the emotions that surge through you those past minutes, cling on to the thoughts that formulate themselves in your brain in the time that's past.

i think that's what makes us human, actually. when you can't live every second of your life as though they're all disjointed and unconnected to each other. imagine if you were able to just discard EVERYTHING that happens to you a mere second ago and live the next as though everything that happened before that never happened. it'll make us nothing more than robots or machines. cold, unfeeling, and completely desensitised and efficient.

i'd be completely lying if i said that you don't get hurt when you love someone. whoever claims that as truth ought to have his brains examined. people are naturally guarded creatures. they put up walls and barriers around themselves for protection. sometimes the worst kind of hurt you can inflict on someone ain't the physical kind. sometimes it's the emotional hurt that really gets to you. and i suppose people are born with the instinct to protect themselves that way, sometimes crafting different personas to put up in front of different scenarios to hide the real 'me' away. when you interact with a persona in place, it's a lot like putting up a performance. acting, if you want to look at it that way. the real 'me' is tucked away somewhere, safe and inaccessible to the rest of the world for scrutiny or criticism.

but when you start to love someone, you don't want the person to see the constructed persona. you want the person to see you for who you really are, not the bimbo with the megawatt smile or the dumb cute chick with nothing between her eyes and ears. and so, you gradually start to take down the barriers, take down the walls that had so often protected the real you from the harsh realities of the world. in short, you start to let the other person into your life. into the world where your real thoughts and feelings are expressed, into the world where the real you resides and all your vulnerabilities are scarily open to be picked on.

then what happens when that person walks out of your life? you get so unimaginably hurt and the walls come right back up again. that's why, love hurts. always. it's not a maybe kind of thing when you're talking about this. when you love, you're BOUND to get hurt, no question about it. then, why do people still keep letting themselves fall in and out of love, only to get hurt over and over again? because. i think people keep doing that cos just as humans instinctively put up walls and barriers to protect themselves, people also instinctively look for opportunities to tear down those awful walls and barriers, opportunities where they can just be themselves and not have to put on fronts to anyone.

give love a fighting chance,
to all those people who're weary and terrified of getting hurt again.
what about all those people who've loved and lost and loved again? it's not just a one way thing, where you love and lose and that's it, period. you love, you lose, then you love again, and perhaps you lose again, or perhaps not, perhaps this time it's for keeps.
but if you don't even want to entertain the notion, then there won't be a possibility that it could be for keeps this time or anytime, for that matter. don't deprive yourself of love just because you're tired of getting hurt. it's not fair, it's really not.

there's this line from a Pocahontas song i've held very dear to my heart in recent days.

if i never knew you, i'd be safe but half as real.

i only realised why tonight though, after sitting for an hour in front of my laptop putting my thoughts into words. it's exactly like what i said. if you never let yourself love anyone, you'd be completely safe in that carefully constructed world where you reside. perhaps it's not as extreme as how i'd painted it out to be, where you're completely fake. but there's always some element of guardedness and some degree to which you employ different personas for different situations. but you see, if i never knew you, i'd never haved loved, and i'd be safe in my world. but the crux of this line lies in that, if i never met and fell in love with you, i'd be safe from the possibility of being hurt - but i'd be half as real. because the walls would never have come down completely otherwise, the vulnerabilities would've always stayed hidden behind cardboard walls painted beautifully and glossed over to seem completely stable. half as real, because i'm learning so much about myself even as everything's going on. half as real because the masks would not have been dropped so completely, otherwise. it's not that you complete me, no you don't. it's the opportunity you've given me to drop my act that makes me more real, more vulnerable, more human, ultimately. and when i feel so small, so helpless, so unable to control things in my life, that's when my pride evaporates away and i realise i'm not God's greatest gift to men after all, that humbles me, makes me realise how tiny i am and how vain i can be about things. that actually, i am nothing, and it's only when i seek God and his will for me in my short, short life, then only will all the other things be added onto it.

11:18 PM;

hello world, the world seems brighter and has stopped spinning. thankfully.
after reading what i blogged about last night, i nearly died so i just censored everything out. didn't wanna delete it cos i wanna remember how i can rant on and on and on next time when i'm married and staid. so i just left everything there but it looks blank on screen.

those of you who've tinkered about with blogs enough should know what i've done, and will be able to read whatever i blocked out. doesn't matter. i just don't want to read what i ranted about again, yet.

reunion lunch in a bit with the family! gonna go to the function hall thingy for steamboat. after sleeping 6plus hours last night, the headache has subsided somewhat and i don't feel like screaming at the top of my lungs anymore. alcohol, my dear friends, is a depressant. it makes you high for a while then you come crashing back down to earth when your head spins and you want to throw up.

many many things i wanna accomplish this term break. let's see how many things off my list i actually manage to strike off come next Sunday.

10:48 AM;

tonight is and was a weird yet lovely night.

went to the Eusoff dance production in the earlier part of the night before joining the zj people at Walas.

i've come to the conclusion that my alchohol tolerance is bloody low. i need to train myself up or i will get taken advantage of by some idiot of a guy sooner or later.

guys are all basically idiots. they don't know anything, they don't know what they want, and even if they did they're too afraid to say what they really feel. too afraid to reject you, too afraid to say if they really like you, too afraid to do anything. it's simple, really. if you like me now, you like me now. if you don't like me now, then that's all there is to it too. straightforward. i dunno why things become complicated when guys try to rationalise things. just say what you feel or not, dammit.

and i don't mean to hurt anyone, i don't mean to be on anyone's mind, i don't mean to make anyone feel like crap. sometimes i forget that i'm only human and a mere 20 year old girl, and i think i shouldn't be frustrated, shouldn't be upset about anything, that i should be in complete control over everything. screw it. i'm not. every once in a while, i remember my humanity, i remember how it's like to want to just scream and cry and not have to seem like everything's alright in my life. i've forgotten what it's like to succumb to my human nature cos i've been trying so damn hard (and succeeding, i daresay), to surrender all to God. even when i want to do something so badly, even when i want something so badly, still i try. and it's the trying that makes me forget that i'm still human after all. that i still want to be loved after all that's said and done, that my pride still kicks in when i realise that you don't think i'm good enough, that i still can cry even though i haven't done that in a million years.

i embrace my weak human nature. it's totally a part of me and there's nothing to be ashamed about, in God's eyes. yet when you don't remember God at all, there's everything to be ashamed about. waiting for someone to feel the same way as you do about you after dunno how many years, it's just plain stupid, isn't it? causing someone else so much hurt and pain just cos of who you are, it's something to be ashamed about isn't it? if i weren't Kelly, things would be so much more different. i wouldn't be hurting those i cared about. i wouldn't be feeling things i ought to give up. damn it. ranting on and on is just making me more pissed. at myself, at everything.

if i were drunk enough, i'd just kiss you straight and worry later about the reaction. if i were drunk enough, i'd throw myself all over you cos i dunno, my dignity and pride seems to have evaporated with my soberness. but i'm not, so thank God. i'm feeling more shitty now than i've felt in a long time, and i think it's thanks to the alcohol. i start to think about things more than i should. what if the right time for a relationship was tomorrow? would you still tell me that it's not the right time because the bottomline is, you could never see me in that light? to you, i'll always be the little girl with half a brain? - is that it? end it all here, just tell me everything. i won't commit suicide if you tell me that hey, you know i don't think i feel the same way about you as you do for me now.

anything could happen in the future. saying stuff now doesn't discount anything. but i don't care about what could and will happen next time because i'm not living in the next time, i'm living in the now. do you like me now? i don't care if you do next time, leave the next time for the next time. why live in the future when God has given us the now to live in? i don't think God meant for us to live in the anticipation of something happening 5 years from now. God meant us to live in the now of things, right now on Friday, 3am, when i'm sitting in front of my computer screen with half-glazed eyes typing furiously away.

i'm probably not making much sense right now because i am feeling severely woozy and light-headed. well and fine. i still know what i want. i think the drinks tonight made me realise that i'm still human after all, that i'm not God's superheroine all the time even though i'd like to think i am and nothing can make me cry ever again. i resolved to just let things slide and take things as they come. i will, as long as i don't end up hurting anyone in the process. cold wars suck. talk it all out, i say. why else did God give us mouths and tongues for?

don't be afraid to say what you really think or feel, you. if you don't like me or you just see me as some annoying little girl who's stuck in her own little fantasy world, just say it. i won't commit suicide. i don't like being left in limbo, though i suspect nothing said will really help. being the stubborn fool i am. but at least if you say something, i can start to let go. sister is a start.

bahhhhhh i am gonna sleep now. i hope i don't regret anything i've typed here tonight or said to anyone tonight when i wake up perfectly sober and sane tomorrow morning. i can't claim to disclaim anything i've said or done, but i admit i am probably a little high or low now, depending on how you see it.

2:59 AM;

i hate it and love it at the same time how some songs make me tear and feel again.

the dawn is breaking
a light shining through
you're barely waking
and i'm tangled up in you
i'm open, you're closed
where i follow, you'll go
i worry i won't see your face
light up again
even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
i somehow find
you and i collide.
i'm quiet, you know
you make a first impression
i've found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind
even the best fall down sometimes
even the stars refuse to shine
out of the back you fall in time
i somehow find
you and i collide
don't stop here
i've lost my place
i'm close behind
even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills your mind
you finally find;

you and i collide.
collide//howie day.

2:57 PM;

omggggg i have a shitload of schoolwork to do and no time to do anything.

spent the better part of the night trying to draw out bukit timah hill on paper. twice, since the first time i got the scale wrong.
and geog is pissing me off big time again.

I. DON'T. GET. IT.
why's my scale wrong?? whyyyyyy?? i can't do this anymore. i'm so tired and all i wanna do is crash and sleep for ages and ages.
stupid thing is due tomorrow and the rest of my group just CANNOT be bothered because they think i can save all their sorry asses. i can't! i dunno what's wrong this time!
and new media project meeting tomorrow afternoon. i haven't done my research yet but i'm too too too tired to do it now.

i hate school i hate school. i have such a lot of work to do that i have no time to breathe. i never thought i'd hate geog but i'm starting to hate it to the core. it's given me nothing but trouble since the first assignment.

BAH. am annoyed. at several things, for several reasons. i don't care anymore. i'm gonna sleep and wake up tomorrow and panic like crazy.

3:46 AM;

i was thinking about it today. what would i still wanna do if i died tonight and never woke up tomorrow?

definitely not any of my readings. hahaha and DEFINITELY not my ham articles which i am furiously writing now. i am having a supremely bad case of writer's block now, by the way. what can one write about flag anyway?? sigh. i am having trouble.

anyway moving on.

you know, there're really many things i still haven't done yet. things i'd wanna do at least once in my life.

i'd wanna travel to Europe. see the European castles and set my eyes on the places my Authurian tales speak so beautifully of.
i'd wanna hold my child in my arms and kiss her forehead.
i'd wanna go to the seashore with you and just listen to the sound of the waves lapping up onto the shore.
i'd wanna write a book in beautiful prose.
i'd wanna wake up with you next to me.
i'd wanna kiss you, just once.
i'd wanna hold your hand and not have to let go.
i'd wanna lie on your shoulder and close my eyes and feel so close.
i'd wanna go to Japan and Korea. and China, where my ancestors came from.
i'd wanna be a model.
i'd wanna tell everyone i love that i love them and show them that i do.
i'd wanna spend carefree happy days with my friends.
i'd wanna play sims2 with all the expansion packs.
i'd wanna be with you, if only for a day.

10:21 PM;