that was yesterday's post, which i couldn't put up because my internet died on me.
so i saved it in Word and posted it today.
i know yesterday's post was rather uncalled for. but yeah. i felt compelled to talk about that.
i still do, actually. but i won't.

went to KK hospital this morning for my scan.
it was THE singular most unpleasant hospital visit by far. i had to drink enough water to get my bladder full and mygoodness, i'm still experiencing the horrid after-effects of that now.
visiting the toilet every half-hour is no fun okay.
nor is drinking 9 cups of water at one go to fill up your bladder.
totally not fun at all.
so after the scan, went down to town to meet Audrey and Chelsa.
I FELT SO GUILTY ABOUT GOING OUT WHILE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING!!!!!
okay that was typed with the caps lock on 'cause that was the top-most thought in my mind just now.
but i did manage to get some budget shopping done at Far East. got a really pretty sash for only $2! which is very economical.
and i had econs tuition for the first time in my entire life today. the emphasis here is on tuition, which i've never had in my whole 18 years of life on earth until today.
the only kind of tuition i'd had was Chinese tuition, and that wasn't even considered proper tuition 'cause Laoshi became sort of like a friend and i didn't do homework.
peer pressure was the cause of my decision to get tuition!
'cause like everyone was doing it and i felt insecure not having any outside help.. alright so it sounds stupid when i say it out in words.

tonight, i will be productive.
tonight, i will do a lot of studying.
tonight, i am rather ambitious.

10:20 PM;

29 July 2005
Friday

sometimes, i think that i've completely forgotten.
then when i least expect it, a wave of nostalgia assaults my mind and makes me feel very vulnerable.
anything can trigger the nostalgia. anything.
from Dover market to old filed-up tutorials to phonecalls with whoever to twisties to football matches on tv to post-its to Nokia 6210 phones to toiletbowls.. and i could go on and on forever.
i know that i shouldn't be bothered by non-schoolwork stuff at this point in time, but as i said, the nostalgia strikes me when my guard is down. like now.
and i blink and blink and blink to try to rid myself of the emotion.
everything's making me exhausted from inside out. the studying's making me physically and mentally drained every night when i tumble into bed. and the thinking's sapping me of the emotional stability that i so badly need now. it's not like i go all out to make myself miserable by reminding myself. it's just that the littlest randomest things in my day-to-day life triggers unwarrented memories that i thought i'd buried deep within me.
and those memories are buried deep inside, covered by layers and layers of happier memories and walls to safeguard them. walls to keep those memories from coming back up to the surface to haunt me. and walls to keep myself from reaching down to access them. delving into past memories always leaves me with a bittersweet feeling, and the bitterness usually overwhelms the sweetness, the bitterness that doesn't leave me alone for days on end.
these days, i wish i were blind. okay, no. i don't really wish i were blind.
but i wish i could extract my memories in silvery strands like in Harry Potter, remove them from my head and store them somewhere else. so that whatever random thing i see doesn't trigger an overwhelming wave of hopelessness and the tears that always threaten to follow. or maybe i wouldn't store those particular memories. i'd just take them out and put the strands in a jar like what Dumbledore did, and then smash the jar and hopefully the memories too. that way, i'd never remember anything about that, and seeing and walking by won't hurt so bad.
like Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. after her breakup with the guy, she wanted to erase all memories she had with him. when i saw the show, i was thinking like yesyesyes i wanna do that too.
ignorance of what happened in the past is bliss.


i guess it's time i run far, far away
find comfort in pain
all pleasure's the same
it just keeps me from trouble
hide my true shape
like Dorian Gray
i've heard what they say
but i'm not here for trouble
it's more than just words:
it's just tears and rain.


i fell in love with the song when i first heard it. all my reasoning tells me that what i feel is totally illogical and beyond explanation, and i won't even try to explain in words.
using the imagery of tears and rain to describe what i really feel is a brilliant idea. the tears are always just there, and the landscape's insufferably wet and drab. beautiful.

after all that heavy-duty musing, it's time to hit the books again.
prelims aren't going to wait for me, whether i feel too upset or too tired to study or not.
so i guess it's time i run far, far away, find comfort in my pain, all pleasure's the same - it just keeps me from trouble, hides my true state, like Dorian Gray, i've heard what they say, but i'm not here for trouble.
it's more than just words. it's just tears and rain.

10:15 PM;

my memory is really getting very bad.
i can be looking for something (eg sweets) for someone when i'll suddenly completely forget what i was scrounging around for and i'll have to stop and ask the person.
like yesterday morning, when i was getting sweets out from my bag for Cheryl, i suddenly clean forgot what i was looking for. so i stopped digging around my bag and looked up to ask her. and she thought i'd lost my mind.
the stress of the prelims is really getting to me i think.
the goldfish memory probably has got something to do with all the stress. and the stress's stemming from the fact that i haven't really started to revise!!
when i figured out the cause of my stress, i thought it was all so pathetically retarded.
i get up almost every morning with pounding headaches at the back of my head.
it feels as if someone is continously knocking on the inside of the back of my head with a hammer and frustrates me 'cause the thudding is just so incessant.
my mother insists that it's the pillow that i've been sleeping on for the past 4 years.
she says it's too flat and hence offers no support for my head.
so she valiantly gave up her 'extremely good' pillow that she says will help get rid of my morning headaches. :) sweet.

but study sessions with Trina at the clubhouse at night seem a lot more productive than loner-study sessions at home.
sat at the clubhouse last night with Tri from 8.45 to about 10.45, and i managed to do some of my case study.
okay, so that was pathetic productivity, i know!
but considering the fact that my productivity level would most probably have been subzero if i'd stayed home, i think it was something to rejoice over. haha.
the tv won't leave me alone when i'm at home! i keep straying to watch tv when i'm home, but i can't really study when i'm out with a lot of people.
it's a true-blue dilemma!
so i figured i'd do a mixture of both.
study with my friends when it's just reading stuff or trying to understand econs concepts.
but i'll study alone at home when it gets to memorizing the points for essays.

this is the reason for my coming online today:



























the Samsung E330C!
Chelsa asked me to check it out..
and i think it's soso pretty.
the shape reminds me of my Panasonic clamshell phone, which i sorely miss whenever i compare my Nokia's miserable memory with the clamshell's much huger mem. space.

quote of the week, courtesy of my mother:
"if you don't study, your results will be GONE WITH THE WIND!!"
complete with flapping actions to emphasize the wind.

6:43 PM;

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE IS OUT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

and yes i did zoom down to Borders straight after geog lect to pick it up. in fact, i pre-ordered it on Tuesday just in case there'd be a mad rush today resulting in the books being sold out, but i didn't have to worry about that.
'cause by the time i got to Borders, it was like, 11plus and the fanatical Potter fans queuing up since 12am last night to catch the 7.01am launch this morning must have all left by then.
but i got my Potter book and i'm so happy yay!!!
and 'cause paperbacks were going for 30% off with any purchase of a Potter book today, i picked up Liza Dalby's Geisha too.
there're so many books that i want now. a trip to Borders always leaves me feeling that i need to read more 'cause there're just so many good books out there.
met Chelsa at Borders to get our HARRY POTTERs together then headed to Starbucks to eat and read.
we stayed there reading till like 3, while Cheryl and Candice sat in the table adjacent doing their econs tuition stuff.
speaking of econs tuition.
i am totally freaking out because everyone who i know is having ECONS TUTION NOW!!!
Chelsa Cheryl Michwong Candice.
and i bet there're loads more people out there who're having tuition too.
i don't have tuition. and it's not as if i'm super good at econs or anything! i just. DON'T HAVE!
i'm super scared now.
and stupid freaking prelims are in 4weeks time!!!!!
okay Kelly calm down.
i just came back from dinner with my dad. went to Serangoon opposite Chomp Chomp to eat barbequed stingray and hot bean curd.
had zj in church before that, and i'm quite sad 'cause it's probably gonna be the last session i can attend until after prelims, then i can go again for a while and stop soon after for the As.
i found out that bus 163 takes a damn long time to come. 15 freaking minutes! i was just sitting there twiddling my thumbs and playing with my Harry Potter balloon that was getting deflated by the second.
YEAH RIGHT i was reading Potter!!
which i am gonna do once i take my bath.

i am going to continue reading Harry Potter soon!!!!!!! :))

9:15 PM;

PFFFFT today was a horridhorridhorridhorridhorridhorrid day.
just simply horrid.
i don't know why, 'cause the day started out nicely enough. i woke up feeling sufficiently awake, which isn't very normal for Monday mornings, really.
but as the day went on, my fairly good mood just completely evaporated and i was grumpy a lot.
which i hate, 'cause being a grouch isn't any fun at all.
and according to Chelsa, i slam my stuff on the table a lot when i'm grumpy. i was really quite horrified 'cause i ALWAYS hated in when people showed their annoyance outwardly. and it was always like, a conscious effort on my part to reign in my irritation and just be nice.
pffft.
oh, and i think my mood took a downward dive round 'bout econs tutorial. bloody hell man, i was majorly annoyed.
i'd like to blame everything on my hormones, but that'd be a bit unfair i think.
and today being a 430 day, you'd think that the day'd be FULL of back to back classes.
poppycock.
i only had 4 relatively useful lessons and 2 periods of PE and THAT'S IT!!!! a million and one free periods are useless in school, 'cause i don't make productive use of them!!! ARGH!
PE today was rather funner than usual.
we had Body Combat and i laughed a lot a lot. i'd really much rather do retarded things than run every double period.

****

I can't control it, if I sink or if I swim
'cause I chose the water that I'm in.
And it makes no difference who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
'cause there's only one thing I want:
If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You were willing, but unable to give me anymore
There's no way
You're changing, cause somethings will just never be mine,
You're not love this time ... but it's all right.
Lucie Silvas

6:28 PM;

the first week of school has finally crawled by!
as in, really c r a w l e d by. the days seemed to drag on forever, for some strange reason.
but it's Friday today, and i've got a looonng weekend to look forward to! :)
i've got ambitious plans all set for this weekend already.
i'm getting geared up for my prelims, which are in... 40 something days.

i was just thinking.
i think the worst thing a loved one can do is to ignore you (not unintentionally or in the name of fun). i mean, yeah, being hated by someone you know is bad. but cold indifference is way worse. at least when someone hates you, that someone still feels something, some emotion, and you can conclude that you must be worth something to that person 'cause he's investing all that emotion in you. but if someone is indifferent, it just shows how you're worth nothing to that person. you're not even worth expending all that feelings on. you're insignificant and whether you live or die doesn't even matter. he doesn't even care if you exist or you don't.
hmmm.
yeshhh, just something i was chewing on on my way home today.

5:44 PM;