The Snow Field

White and frozen, the Snow Field lay
Pristine, empty, a blank sheet of paper
The erased pencil marks faintly visible still
Of names, places, dates deeply etched in.
Buried under the snow, a withered poppy
Once brilliant red and vibrant, now dead.
Covered under layers of feathery snow
The landscape remains unblemished, unspotted.
Nothing can tarnish the smooth snow surface
Barren, dry, devoid of life it remains
Till summer solstice heralds the warm sunshine
Finally melting away the snow.
Only to realise -
another Snow Field lies beneath
untouched, frozen, barren still.


Kelly Marie Ang

12:50 PM;

blahhhh i feel like total crap.
my monthly cramps have started in full force and i feel so nauseous. ugh. i spent my entire morning sleeping in a valiant but fruitless effort to rid myself of this awful head-spinning sensation.
yucks man.
i really want to scream or cry. my abdomen feels like it's about to be ripped open by wave after wave of contractions and i can't do anything but bear the pain, with curled toes and all.
deep breath.
and i've got so much work to do today. i'm gonna be spending almost the entire day in church today, with the Amazingrace meeting with the catechists at 2 and ZJ at 430 til 9.
i'm gonna bring my pills. i think i'm gonna need them.
MY HEAD WON'T STOP SPINNING!
argh. this is very unsettling.
ha unsettling's too mild a word to use actually.
my body won't stop shivering from the pain. i'm afraid people are gonna think i have muscle spasms or something. ugh. help.
and my feet are so bloody cold.
i honestly honestly wonder if there's anything wrong with me. if there were anything i could do to get rid of my cramps, i would. but a scan at KK last year told me that there're no fibroids in my womb, no nothing. so what could be causing my muscles to contract to sharply every month?
if i were a doctor, i'd specialise in gynaecology so i can figure out what is fricking wrong with my body.
one thing to be grateful about, at least.
getting my cramps now is a lot better than getting it a week or two from now, when camp season begins in earnest. i mean, if it's gonna come anyway, better now than later.
WAIL! i want to vomit!

12:53 PM;

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.


George Gordon, Lord Bryon



compare and contrast the tone.



Behind

Behind that painted smile
Behind those crinkled eyes
Behind the hearty laughter
Behind the happy good-byes.

Behind the confident gesture
Behind the careless flicker of her gaze
Behind the acerbic words
Behind the veneer nothing can faze

Behind the delicate porcelain
Behind the midnight sky
Behind the calm silence
Behind the paradoxical shy

Behind the girl so poised
Behind her face smooth and fair
Behind the Maybelline glossed lips
Behind, you'll find her despair.


Kelly Marie Ang

5:33 PM;

desperation that eats at the very core of your inner self is a scaryscary feeling.
it feels a bit like a termite at work, slowly chewing away at the internal structure of the wall - but no one knows. why? because the wall looks perfectly stable on the outside. no holes, nothing.
but one fine day, when the inside of the wall becomes too thoroughly rotten, the entire wall collapses into a pile of sawdust.
i'm afraid that's what's gonna happen to me if i don't arrest this feeling of quiet desperation and chuck it out of the window.
and i've been feeling this general sense of unease of late.
even my decision to apply for hall when uni term begins seems to be a wrong decision.
i feel like it's what i want to do, but not God wants me to do.
and yet i can't completely not listen to my own desires and wants. i WANT to stay in hall, away from home and from people i need to get away from. and yet i feel that that isn't necessarily what God wants me to do.
i FEEL like i will go mad if i continue staying here like this, stuck in this suspended state of everything. and therefore my WANTS are fuelled by this conviction that i'm slowly losing my mind here.
but i also know that staying in hall will open up a whole new set of challenges for me, especially in my spirituality.
ARGH!
running away won't necessarily solve all my problems, i know. but look at how my whole thing last year was resolved. i forgot because i ran away persistently. it's like all throughout my 2 years in acjc, i was trying to run away into the distance and leave everything behind. but a string was tied to my ankles and to a pole. so everytime i ran, i'd run a fixed distance before the string starts to pull and restrict me from going any further. it was when i'd left school that i finally found the scissors in my pocket to cut the string - and off i scampered into the horizon without a second look back.
i feel that this could be dealt with in much the same way. that hopefully if i get away from home and all the people that restrict what i truly want to say, i'll maybe finally find the scissors in my pocket and i could then cut myself free to run far far away.
i don't know.



do you remember when you were 7?
and the only thing that you wanted to do
was to show your mom that you could play the piano
10 years have passed
and the one thing that lasts
is the same old song that we played along - that made my momma cry.
i miss those days and i miss those ways
when i got lost in fantasies
in a cartoon land of mysteries
in a place you won't grow old
in a place you won't feel cold
and i'll sing
seems i'm lost in my reflection
find a star for my direction
for the little girl inside who won't just hide
don't let me see mistakes and lies
let me keep my faith and innocent eyes.
innocent eyes//delta goodrem

11:26 AM;

i had the most unsettling talk with Clement last night. i think he asked me about some things that really hit a raw nerve - things which made me cry when i spoke of them.
which is surprising, considering how i HARDLY cry when i talk to people about the tough stuff, except maybe with Trina who's seen me bawl in a very unglam fashion more than once.
but looking back, i think it was good he asked me all those stuff cos it all had to come out somewhere.
in a nutshell, he asked me about who i really am as a person.
and that hit me hard, cos just yesterday afternoon when Trina came over, i was telling her how i felt like such a bloody hypocrite. seeming like one person when i was around my friends in church and being a totally different person when i'm with her.
it all boiled down to me having things i want to hide from people - which thereby forces me to act differently when i'm with them.
i know, the dichotomy shouldn't be so great, but because i try so hard to say the correct thing instead of what i actually wanna say, i end up coming across as a person who i'm really not.
argh.
my eyes hurt like crap now because crying wrecks HAVOC with my looks. seriously.
i wish there weren't a difference in how i behave. it's tiring having to keep hiding.
that was one of the reasons, as i'd explained to Clem, why i want to stay in hall.
in part, to get away from people who're making me behave so wretchedly.
reasons don't always have to be good and solid. some reasons make perfectly no sense to everyone except to yourself. this is one of those.
i hate having to keep up two personalities. as it is, i already feel mildly schizophrenic.
this has got to stop and i think the only way i can do this is to completely detach myself of my feelings for a while and live life away from home. at least for a while.

10:45 AM;

i deserve a pat on the back!
i finished and submitted the accommodation application form! :)

6:33 PM;

yay! after 1 afternoon of sitting in front of the computer fiddling with Adobe Photoshop, i managed to come up with something (namely, this) i quite like.
i feel very much better now. ha i think it's got something to do with me regaining some sense of control over my blog again after 4 months of leaving it on its own.
i don't know why i based the entire template on Selena's Dreaming of You.
i think i must be subconsciously hoping my life'll turn out like the girl's in the song, where the guy of her dreams finally tells her "i love you too" after how many gazillion years.
SILLY KELLY! heh.

anyway. before i go lose myself in a few hours of theSims2, i think i'm gonna do up a to-do list for the upcoming weeks.
all the free time on my hands is bound to be completely lost in afternoon naps and endless hours on the computer.


Kelly's to-do list from now till uni term begins:

1.

watch Sad Love Story because i want to bawl my eyes with Kwon Sang Woo. who, by the way, is my favouritest Korean actor and who, by the way again, is SO HOT. especially when he cries, omg. out comes the tissue and puffy eyes for the whole evening.

2.

play the Sims 2 until i'm thoroughly sick of making my Sim have a gazillion kids or have 3 affairs at a go. i must be a sadist.

3. clear out 7 years worth of junk from my room. i think i might be breeding dangerous insects. and it's high time to throw away my dusty PSLE assessment books. OH, and to placate my mother who really really throws a fit whenever she walks by my room.

4. finish playing final fantasy x-2! yes, i know that getting 100% completion of the game would be very good, but restarting the bloody game 3 times in a row just cos i'm 0.1% short of the guidebook IS rather absurd, to put it mildly.

5. go for my million and one camps this holiday! - YES camp, NUS bizad camp, rag and flag camp, tanjung balai. i need to buy more shorts.

6. apply for NUS accomodation! i am such a lazy bum, just looking at the form puts me off. but if i want to stay in hall, i have to force myself to sit down and complete the form in one sitting.

7. finish my driving lessons once and for all! YES, that includes passing my driving test. i am determined to pass it at my first shot. i'm driving an automatic car, for crying out loud!

8. read 3 books a week. reading is good for my soul. it's my chicken soup.

9. save the money i earn from giving tuition so i will be able to survive when uni begins.

okay! i'm off to fill in my hall application form first before i start up the Sims2. cos i know once i start playing, i won't be able to stop for a few hours. it's too addictive.

5:37 PM;

the world's gonna say hello to a much much much more cheerful Kelly from now on!
haha.
because.. yesterday was my last day of work! :)
and also because i passed my final theory test today!
it seems like my life's starting to fall nicely into place again. which is great! i mean, i'm a creature of stability. i don't react to changes in my life very well.
but positive changes.. i like! heh.

i decided to blog again. mainly because i need an outlet for all my thoughts, to verbalise a bit of the feelings inside. partially because i'm gonna be so free from now to August. and maybe cos i need to occupy myself lest i pull a stupid stunt a la 2004's Kamikaze of the Year.
in fact, i came sooooooooo close to doing the exact same thing.
WHY DON'T I EVER LEARN?
i wonder!
the letter's still sitting very nicely in my notepad, waiting to be completed and folded.
but after reading my past entries, i think i got knocked back to my senses and realised that i was on the verge of doing something i'd potentially regret for a long time. like the last time it happened!
and i no longer have the urge to give anyone any note any time soon.
i think i should shred the letter in my room just in case i ever have such a stupid notion again.

my self-confidence is at an all time low these days.
i think it's due to an excess of "Your sister is such a special girl" blared in my ear a hundred million times.
don't get me wrong, i love my sister to bits and i do think she's a very special girl.
but hearing it from friends repeatedly dredges up old ghosts of how my relatives all used to coo over her giftedness, barely noticing i was around and treating me like part of the living room landscape.
in fact, there was a particular year when it got so bad cos it was a case of everything i could do, she could do it too even though she's 2 years younger - and she did it better to boot.
i started reading at what most people would call a very young age. probably when i was 3 or so?
when i started picking up reading, my sister did too. at the age of 1-and-a-half.
it was sheer precociousness and i think i knew it at that age when she started fighting with me for my mother's attention to learn new words and over Highway magazines which i loved to pore over as a kid.
i remember my mother laughing in delight at my sister's intelligence and fiestiness.
and as we grew up, it appeared that she could do practically everything just as well, or even better than me, even though she was learning it 2 years before i did.
in secondary school, my confidence was at an all time low because she'd gotten into the Gifted Programme and was arguing with me all the time about the right words to use to describe the underside of a mushroom and silly little things like that.
it was only when i got elected as a School Prefect that i started to feel more confident of myself.
yeah, even though all throughout primary school, i appeared to be this self-assured kid who other kids looked up to as the leader for reasons i still cannot understand to this day.
haha but guess what? my sister followed the same route as i did and ended up being in Council and taking up an ex-co position - exactly what i did too.
it seemed to me that there was absolutely nothing i could do that she couldn't.
and it still seems that way!
i probably sound bitter and all here, but i'm seriously not. the bitterness had all worn off a long time ago, and now it's just resignation.
yes, i AM very proud of her too, that she's such a wonderful and gifted individual in so many ways.
it's just that.. everytime people keep harping on how incredibly fabulous she is, it seems (to me) to be a mockery of my own inadequacy next to her.
and it's a million times more hurtful when the person you care so much about keeps emphasising on it.
i used to cry like crap whenever i spoke of this, cos i think it's a long-standing hurt that's just been covered up by a veneer of whatever phoney confidence i seem to emulate.
and on Sunday, i suddenly felt like crying too.

because i was reminded of how horrid i used to feel whenever people compared us to each other in the past.
and i think now it could be worse, cos she's achieved so many things that i haven't.
she's a wonderful athelete, brilliant in her schoolwork, has undeniable leadership qualities, she looks so hot now..
heh all of which i seem to lack.
my little sister's even got a boyfriend who's actually a very good catch. and i'm really glad she's with him and not anyone else.
but sigh all i've got is my wasted feelings for someone. i know it's a waste of my time and i'm trying so hard to get rid of my feelings for him. ha and i can't even do that!

bleah. after typing about all this unpleasantness, the cheerful Kelly the world's supposed to see is fast disappearing.
i am in a decidedly agitated mood now.
looks like i'm gonna have to bury myself in an afternoon of theSims2, and hopefully my mood would've improved by the time evening comes around so i can go for Mass without feeling like i want to bash somebody - anybody - up.
ARGHH.

1:17 PM;