5:29 PM;

i had an overwhelming desire to just delete this blog and move to a new address.

leave the traces of my old life in the back of my life and not be reminded of the semblences of what used to be.

but then i didn't, for several reasons. the most crucial reason was simply that i was far too lazy to move. to edit the html for a new blog, get another address for the new blog - so much hassle. i might do that sometime later this week though, when all the visiting's over and i get to sit down and enjoy my term break.

and then, what about my friends who read my blog? those who care for me and use the blog as a way to see what's going on in my life? my blog didn't start out like that, but it seems like it's become that in recent times. new media and its impacts on our lives man. i shall talk about it in my new media term paper.

so anyway. as i said. no more 'ohhh i'm so sad, i feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces' nonsense from me anymore. the sadness or hurt or whatever will remain wordless and at the back of my mind and heart.

i've been sleeping a lot lately. i think it's a form of escape, kinda, since i don't wanna think about things anymore, don't wanna talk about things anymore, don't wanna entertain any notion of anything anymore. and so, i just sleep it all away. which is good also, since i think i'm in the process of paying off a major sleep debt anyway. i dunno if all this is ultimately running away from whatever's on hand, and i don't wanna think too much about what i'm doing. overthinking things has its way of wrecking havoc on your emotions and messing with your head. clam it all up, i say. don't bother other people anymore. don't bother you anymore with things you can do nothing about. don't bother myself even, by thinking. just exist.

sighhhhhhh frustrating, how i still have a galaxy full of things to talk about and yet i don't want to bring myself to say anything anymore. i think sometimes girls tend to overtalk. for what? you bare your soul and your heart and in the end, you just get slapped right across your face. no wonder people clam up in the later years of their lives. when you've been hurt once or twice before, you tend to learn your lesson and remember not to expose your vulnerabilities again. i don't wanna become like some bitter, grouchy old auntie next time who can't express herself except by snapping at her little nieces or nephews, wishing she'd fallen in love and stayed in love when she was still an idealistic girl and becoming all the more bitter at that. no wonder old people sometimes don't fear death cos they've already lived such a long life that all they want to do is rest and take a break from everything. do i fear death? perhaps i do, i'm scared of how dying will feel like. but i really do look forward to the respite it'll grant me from everything going on now, the nothingness and the disappearance of the scars that threaten to not leave me and remain there, ugly and jarring.

i still believe, i still do. only that whatever it is, i stick to whatever's been said previously: shut the hell up Kelly. not just tonight, but every single night from now on.

i foresee this blog will start to see a lot more activity soon cos since i am going to attempt to not bring things up to you or anyone ever again, i might have to turn to here and talk about random, possibly puzzling things that'll make sense to no one but me - but i think it'd be better that way. of course, if people ask me about things, i'll tell them (in no more than 150 words), summarized and quick, then just drop it all again. I TALK TOO MUCH FOR MY OWN BLOODY GOOD AND I WILL NOT ANYMORE. yeah.

4:34 AM;

Kelly's Chinese New Year resolutions for 2007:

i will stop talking about EVERYTHING and carry on as though nothing ever ever ever happened.

i will shut up and stop whining and musing. no more long rambly posts about love and sadness and all that nonsense. i am past that.

i will just smile and smile and smile, even though my cheeks may ache like crap after that. i will not cry anymore, will not expose my vulnerabilities again, will not say what's really on my mind or in my heart again. no bloody point talking about things that won't change.

i will love me, even if no one else will.

not only will i stop talking about everything, i will stop thinking about everything and stop feeling anything about anyone. i will put a stop to everything even if it kills me to. and if i can't stop it, i will just hide everything away until everything's over. no more, i say. it's been going on for too long, far too long. the way i see it, nothing's EVER gonna come out of this all, so i will just kiss everything goodbye and shove it all away.

i will put my life in order so that i can be here for my family.

i will put my cap in order so that i will graduate with a second upper honours, at least.

i will not be sidetracked by anything i might think, feel, or whatever human weaknesses. i will just throw myself into what i want to fulfill.

i will not succumb to my emotions ever again. i will not let what i feel get the better of me. i will wrest control over whatever i feel and if i can't, i will just chuck it all aside.

i will deepen my relationship with my Lord and actively seek to just follow his will for me in my life. i will not lose faith in his promise to me that he wants me to be happy and that whatever happens now may seem like absolute shit to me but is in actual fact, a very necessary process for him to give me what he intended for me initially. i can't see what he has in store for me, but i have absolutely no doubt that everything he has planned for me will make me happier than i ever imagined myself to be.

i will never again allow myself to throw myself onto anyone, physically or emotionally. i will stand on my own two feet and rely on no one else but God. everyone has their own shit to handle. i will handle my own. i will keep my mouth shut and fingers from dialling numbers of people i feel i need to talk to because i am tired, so tired.

i will treat myself a lot better this year. i will take care of my body, take care of my emotions, and not let them run amok and hurt myself. i will eat when i feel like eating and drink a lot more water. my complexion is getting bad.


i will try, i really will. but if i can't, i will live with it all.






i am tired of everything, i really am. and all i want to do is stay home and hide in my room for a million, trillion years.

but no. i will not hide from the world.

a trip to the seaside is in order soon. i need to listen to the sound of the waves on the shore to soothe my frazzled nerves and feel the cool breeze on my face to feel alive. i should ask someone, anyone along for company, in case i do anything stupid if i become lost in my depression or the sudden mood-swings that hit me every now and then. but i doubt it lah, i'm too smart to do anything stupid heh. i'm too tired to ask anyone. i will just go myself and walk on the sand and be by myself. just me, the sea and God.


run, far far away. feel the wind on my face, my hair flying out behind me, nothing between me and everything else. run, just keep running. and when my heart can't take it no more, when it needs to stop to breathe, i will just throw myself high up into the sky and close my eyes, say a prayer, and tumble back down onto the green field and never wake up again. feel my legs moving quickly, pounding on the ground, feel my heart beating inside my chest, feel alive, and then, love the life i am living.

7:51 PM;

longlong day today! just came back from my grandparents' place for reunion dinner. was still feeling full from the steamboat i'd had for lunch earlier on, so couldn't stomach very much of the very delicious food on the table.

i know New Year's supposed to be really that - a new year. new year on the 1st of Jan. Chinese New Year. all supposed to be new beginnings and fresh starts. throw away the old life, start anew. because it's a new year. but then again, look at it this way. whenever you go to bed at night and close your eyes and lose consciousness for that few hours, it's the end of a day, innit? then when you open your eyes again the next morning and roll out of bed, it's a new day, innit? supposed to be a brand new start. then when you think even more, you can stretch this to practically every second of your life. when one second of your life's over, it's over. the next second IS a brand new start. you get to live that new second in a new way, the only thing that stopping you from doing that is your own self.

you cling on to how you've lived in the past hour or past minutes or whatever, you cling on to the emotions that surge through you those past minutes, cling on to the thoughts that formulate themselves in your brain in the time that's past.

i think that's what makes us human, actually. when you can't live every second of your life as though they're all disjointed and unconnected to each other. imagine if you were able to just discard EVERYTHING that happens to you a mere second ago and live the next as though everything that happened before that never happened. it'll make us nothing more than robots or machines. cold, unfeeling, and completely desensitised and efficient.

i'd be completely lying if i said that you don't get hurt when you love someone. whoever claims that as truth ought to have his brains examined. people are naturally guarded creatures. they put up walls and barriers around themselves for protection. sometimes the worst kind of hurt you can inflict on someone ain't the physical kind. sometimes it's the emotional hurt that really gets to you. and i suppose people are born with the instinct to protect themselves that way, sometimes crafting different personas to put up in front of different scenarios to hide the real 'me' away. when you interact with a persona in place, it's a lot like putting up a performance. acting, if you want to look at it that way. the real 'me' is tucked away somewhere, safe and inaccessible to the rest of the world for scrutiny or criticism.

but when you start to love someone, you don't want the person to see the constructed persona. you want the person to see you for who you really are, not the bimbo with the megawatt smile or the dumb cute chick with nothing between her eyes and ears. and so, you gradually start to take down the barriers, take down the walls that had so often protected the real you from the harsh realities of the world. in short, you start to let the other person into your life. into the world where your real thoughts and feelings are expressed, into the world where the real you resides and all your vulnerabilities are scarily open to be picked on.

then what happens when that person walks out of your life? you get so unimaginably hurt and the walls come right back up again. that's why, love hurts. always. it's not a maybe kind of thing when you're talking about this. when you love, you're BOUND to get hurt, no question about it. then, why do people still keep letting themselves fall in and out of love, only to get hurt over and over again? because. i think people keep doing that cos just as humans instinctively put up walls and barriers to protect themselves, people also instinctively look for opportunities to tear down those awful walls and barriers, opportunities where they can just be themselves and not have to put on fronts to anyone.

give love a fighting chance,
to all those people who're weary and terrified of getting hurt again.
what about all those people who've loved and lost and loved again? it's not just a one way thing, where you love and lose and that's it, period. you love, you lose, then you love again, and perhaps you lose again, or perhaps not, perhaps this time it's for keeps.
but if you don't even want to entertain the notion, then there won't be a possibility that it could be for keeps this time or anytime, for that matter. don't deprive yourself of love just because you're tired of getting hurt. it's not fair, it's really not.

there's this line from a Pocahontas song i've held very dear to my heart in recent days.

if i never knew you, i'd be safe but half as real.

i only realised why tonight though, after sitting for an hour in front of my laptop putting my thoughts into words. it's exactly like what i said. if you never let yourself love anyone, you'd be completely safe in that carefully constructed world where you reside. perhaps it's not as extreme as how i'd painted it out to be, where you're completely fake. but there's always some element of guardedness and some degree to which you employ different personas for different situations. but you see, if i never knew you, i'd never haved loved, and i'd be safe in my world. but the crux of this line lies in that, if i never met and fell in love with you, i'd be safe from the possibility of being hurt - but i'd be half as real. because the walls would never have come down completely otherwise, the vulnerabilities would've always stayed hidden behind cardboard walls painted beautifully and glossed over to seem completely stable. half as real, because i'm learning so much about myself even as everything's going on. half as real because the masks would not have been dropped so completely, otherwise. it's not that you complete me, no you don't. it's the opportunity you've given me to drop my act that makes me more real, more vulnerable, more human, ultimately. and when i feel so small, so helpless, so unable to control things in my life, that's when my pride evaporates away and i realise i'm not God's greatest gift to men after all, that humbles me, makes me realise how tiny i am and how vain i can be about things. that actually, i am nothing, and it's only when i seek God and his will for me in my short, short life, then only will all the other things be added onto it.

11:18 PM;

hello world, the world seems brighter and has stopped spinning. thankfully.
after reading what i blogged about last night, i nearly died so i just censored everything out. didn't wanna delete it cos i wanna remember how i can rant on and on and on next time when i'm married and staid. so i just left everything there but it looks blank on screen.

those of you who've tinkered about with blogs enough should know what i've done, and will be able to read whatever i blocked out. doesn't matter. i just don't want to read what i ranted about again, yet.

reunion lunch in a bit with the family! gonna go to the function hall thingy for steamboat. after sleeping 6plus hours last night, the headache has subsided somewhat and i don't feel like screaming at the top of my lungs anymore. alcohol, my dear friends, is a depressant. it makes you high for a while then you come crashing back down to earth when your head spins and you want to throw up.

many many things i wanna accomplish this term break. let's see how many things off my list i actually manage to strike off come next Sunday.

10:48 AM;

tonight is and was a weird yet lovely night.

went to the Eusoff dance production in the earlier part of the night before joining the zj people at Walas.

i've come to the conclusion that my alchohol tolerance is bloody low. i need to train myself up or i will get taken advantage of by some idiot of a guy sooner or later.

guys are all basically idiots. they don't know anything, they don't know what they want, and even if they did they're too afraid to say what they really feel. too afraid to reject you, too afraid to say if they really like you, too afraid to do anything. it's simple, really. if you like me now, you like me now. if you don't like me now, then that's all there is to it too. straightforward. i dunno why things become complicated when guys try to rationalise things. just say what you feel or not, dammit.

and i don't mean to hurt anyone, i don't mean to be on anyone's mind, i don't mean to make anyone feel like crap. sometimes i forget that i'm only human and a mere 20 year old girl, and i think i shouldn't be frustrated, shouldn't be upset about anything, that i should be in complete control over everything. screw it. i'm not. every once in a while, i remember my humanity, i remember how it's like to want to just scream and cry and not have to seem like everything's alright in my life. i've forgotten what it's like to succumb to my human nature cos i've been trying so damn hard (and succeeding, i daresay), to surrender all to God. even when i want to do something so badly, even when i want something so badly, still i try. and it's the trying that makes me forget that i'm still human after all. that i still want to be loved after all that's said and done, that my pride still kicks in when i realise that you don't think i'm good enough, that i still can cry even though i haven't done that in a million years.

i embrace my weak human nature. it's totally a part of me and there's nothing to be ashamed about, in God's eyes. yet when you don't remember God at all, there's everything to be ashamed about. waiting for someone to feel the same way as you do about you after dunno how many years, it's just plain stupid, isn't it? causing someone else so much hurt and pain just cos of who you are, it's something to be ashamed about isn't it? if i weren't Kelly, things would be so much more different. i wouldn't be hurting those i cared about. i wouldn't be feeling things i ought to give up. damn it. ranting on and on is just making me more pissed. at myself, at everything.

if i were drunk enough, i'd just kiss you straight and worry later about the reaction. if i were drunk enough, i'd throw myself all over you cos i dunno, my dignity and pride seems to have evaporated with my soberness. but i'm not, so thank God. i'm feeling more shitty now than i've felt in a long time, and i think it's thanks to the alcohol. i start to think about things more than i should. what if the right time for a relationship was tomorrow? would you still tell me that it's not the right time because the bottomline is, you could never see me in that light? to you, i'll always be the little girl with half a brain? - is that it? end it all here, just tell me everything. i won't commit suicide if you tell me that hey, you know i don't think i feel the same way about you as you do for me now.

anything could happen in the future. saying stuff now doesn't discount anything. but i don't care about what could and will happen next time because i'm not living in the next time, i'm living in the now. do you like me now? i don't care if you do next time, leave the next time for the next time. why live in the future when God has given us the now to live in? i don't think God meant for us to live in the anticipation of something happening 5 years from now. God meant us to live in the now of things, right now on Friday, 3am, when i'm sitting in front of my computer screen with half-glazed eyes typing furiously away.

i'm probably not making much sense right now because i am feeling severely woozy and light-headed. well and fine. i still know what i want. i think the drinks tonight made me realise that i'm still human after all, that i'm not God's superheroine all the time even though i'd like to think i am and nothing can make me cry ever again. i resolved to just let things slide and take things as they come. i will, as long as i don't end up hurting anyone in the process. cold wars suck. talk it all out, i say. why else did God give us mouths and tongues for?

don't be afraid to say what you really think or feel, you. if you don't like me or you just see me as some annoying little girl who's stuck in her own little fantasy world, just say it. i won't commit suicide. i don't like being left in limbo, though i suspect nothing said will really help. being the stubborn fool i am. but at least if you say something, i can start to let go. sister is a start.

bahhhhhh i am gonna sleep now. i hope i don't regret anything i've typed here tonight or said to anyone tonight when i wake up perfectly sober and sane tomorrow morning. i can't claim to disclaim anything i've said or done, but i admit i am probably a little high or low now, depending on how you see it.

2:59 AM;

i hate it and love it at the same time how some songs make me tear and feel again.

the dawn is breaking
a light shining through
you're barely waking
and i'm tangled up in you
i'm open, you're closed
where i follow, you'll go
i worry i won't see your face
light up again
even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
i somehow find
you and i collide.
i'm quiet, you know
you make a first impression
i've found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind
even the best fall down sometimes
even the stars refuse to shine
out of the back you fall in time
i somehow find
you and i collide
don't stop here
i've lost my place
i'm close behind
even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills your mind
you finally find;

you and i collide.
collide//howie day.

2:57 PM;

omggggg i have a shitload of schoolwork to do and no time to do anything.

spent the better part of the night trying to draw out bukit timah hill on paper. twice, since the first time i got the scale wrong.
and geog is pissing me off big time again.

I. DON'T. GET. IT.
why's my scale wrong?? whyyyyyy?? i can't do this anymore. i'm so tired and all i wanna do is crash and sleep for ages and ages.
stupid thing is due tomorrow and the rest of my group just CANNOT be bothered because they think i can save all their sorry asses. i can't! i dunno what's wrong this time!
and new media project meeting tomorrow afternoon. i haven't done my research yet but i'm too too too tired to do it now.

i hate school i hate school. i have such a lot of work to do that i have no time to breathe. i never thought i'd hate geog but i'm starting to hate it to the core. it's given me nothing but trouble since the first assignment.

BAH. am annoyed. at several things, for several reasons. i don't care anymore. i'm gonna sleep and wake up tomorrow and panic like crazy.

3:46 AM;

i was thinking about it today. what would i still wanna do if i died tonight and never woke up tomorrow?

definitely not any of my readings. hahaha and DEFINITELY not my ham articles which i am furiously writing now. i am having a supremely bad case of writer's block now, by the way. what can one write about flag anyway?? sigh. i am having trouble.

anyway moving on.

you know, there're really many things i still haven't done yet. things i'd wanna do at least once in my life.

i'd wanna travel to Europe. see the European castles and set my eyes on the places my Authurian tales speak so beautifully of.
i'd wanna hold my child in my arms and kiss her forehead.
i'd wanna go to the seashore with you and just listen to the sound of the waves lapping up onto the shore.
i'd wanna write a book in beautiful prose.
i'd wanna wake up with you next to me.
i'd wanna kiss you, just once.
i'd wanna hold your hand and not have to let go.
i'd wanna lie on your shoulder and close my eyes and feel so close.
i'd wanna go to Japan and Korea. and China, where my ancestors came from.
i'd wanna be a model.
i'd wanna tell everyone i love that i love them and show them that i do.
i'd wanna spend carefree happy days with my friends.
i'd wanna play sims2 with all the expansion packs.
i'd wanna be with you, if only for a day.

10:21 PM;

today was a relatively good day, in several respects!
had a productive day studying in the library.
had a good time of sharing all throughout the day.

and God really comes and speaks to me in such non-obvious ways. then when i realise it i'll be like, whoa. amazing. like how Dan was reminding me in the library that we love God when we realise that God loved us first, and that God doesn't love us because we love him. then during mass, one of the songs had the exact same line. coincidence? nah, don't think so.

as i was sharing with several groups of people today, it struck me how different God's ways are from the ways of the world. how difficult it is to do what God wants me to do as compared to what the world preaches about what we should do with our lives. that seeking God's will is usually not congruent with what the world says we should seek.

i mean, i was just sharing very briefly about what's currently going on in my life now, the rough situation minus the details. and not just today, i think i've been sharing with some of my closer friends throughout the week as well. the very fundamental thing everyone tells me to do is to move on and forget all about everything. after all they say, he doesn't know what he wants and there're so many other fishes in the sea. why bother with one halibut when there're schools of parrotfish elsewhere? move on, forget everything, move on, forget everything. everyone says the same thing. you deserve better. you don't deserve to be treated like that. you shouldn't waste your life and energy and feelings on just this one thing. move on. in the perception of the world, you shouldn't love someone who doesn't love you too. you should instead, move on to someone else where the lovey feeling is mutual.

but after everything that's happened, after all the thought processes i've been through, after all the conversations i'd had with God and with everyone involved, i can't say i can fully agree with what my friends have been telling me with all concern for my well-being. i might have thought in the past that loving someone who doesn't feel the same way for you is rather stupid. that you should transfer that feeling of affection and care and concern and just basically love to someone else who you think you have a higher chance of having that feeling reciprocated. but real love isn't about transferring feelings from one person to another just cos you think you have a better success rate where a relationship is concerned. love isn't about giving up all you feel for someone just cos the someone doesn't feel the same way or doesn't do things to show you that all the time. i'm becoming more and more convinced that to love someone essentially means that you want the best for the person, even if it comes at the expense of your own well-being. it means you're generous with your time and everything else, it means that you're patient and are willing to wait when told that now's not the time for a relationship. and no, i don't think it's stupid to wait because what i'm essentially doing is just waiting for God to show me what he wants me to do. not wait for the relationship i want to come, but wait for God to slowly unveil his plan for me. love is about putting the other person before you in every single way, love isn't about expecting the other person to constantly call you or message you or reassure you of his love for you, love isn't about expectations, period. on the contrary, love is accepting the other person for everything he is, faults and all, and not seeking to change him to the ideal boyfriend you always had in your mind.

all these i've just said, they run totally contrary to what popular culture paints love as. and a lot of my friends really think i'm crazy or have lost my mind. they think i'm being a stubborn prick and deluded fool who's clinging on to some shreds of a ghost of a relationship she sees in the horizon. and it's hard to stick on to my conviction that God will make something good out of this slightly messy situation when everyone around you is telling you that you're an idiot. the derision you receive, the what the hell responses you get, the rolling of eyes you see - it's all not easy.
Kelly, they say, give it up. move on, some other guy will catch your eye.
Kelly, they say, don't be an idiot anymore. why continue feeling for him when he doesn't feel the same way?
Kelly, they say, just cut all contact and live out your life in hall. after all, seeing each other everyday won't help things. change church if you must, even. just end it all.

Kelly, God says, remember what love is and how i love you. why run away when i've promised you all will be well in the end? if you think you feel idiotic for loving someone who doesn't feel the same way, how do you think i feel? i love you all so much, and yet for every one of you who loves me back, there are a thousand others who don't.
Kelly, God says, isn't it good that this whole process is purifying the love you have and teaching you what love really is? it's painful, yes. i never said following me would be easy. but at the end of the process, you'll have grown so much that the Kelly you knew before everything began would have been barely recognisable to the Kelly that emerges after everything's over.

i'd be lying if i said i totally didn't want a relationship right now. i'm human, i have my wants and desires. i want companionship, i want to feel loved. i want so many things. but when God's telling me that now is so not the time for a relationship, what i want becomes secondary. it's not that that desire is gone, it's just been superceded by what God wants of me. which, again, is contradictory to what the world says we ought to do with our lives. fulfill your own desires is what we're told to do. consumerism is all about satisfying material wants with consumerables. the hollywood notion of a 'true love' is all about satisfying your desire for a relationship that could be anything but love filled but lust filled instead and taking proactive steps to fulfill this want.

but what God wants me to do isn't to take proactive steps in my life to satisfy my different needs and wants. he wants me to be proactive, but not in the way described above. he wants me to be proactive in seeking his will, and then be totally receptive to what he reveals to me. this requires a lot of patience, a lot of faith, a lot of blind trust in God. it's hard to say yes to something you know nuts about. how can you say okay to someone who hasn't even told you the specifics of his favour yet?

i don't know what God wants of me, i really don't. and i really don't care if the world thinks i'm a total loser for not trying to end my misery by giving up and moving on in life. but it's both wonderful and frustrating at the same time to realise that God's way is really very very different from the way of the world. the discrepency is enormous, and no, i am not exaggerating. i don't care if people think i'm crazy for insisting on loving when i know i'm at the losing end of things. after all, just forget it all and 'love' someone else who 'loves' you too. self-gain.

i'm using the word 'love' unabashedly all throughout this post because i realise the extent of what loving someone means and what loving someone entails, and i think what i've been doing or trying so hard to do comes closer to love than to like. i like you because you're cute and you make my heart go on a rampage when i'm near you. i love you because you're so imperfect as a human being and it's the imperfection that makes me love you. i love you because of the goodness i see in you and the vulnerabilities that don't escape my eye, i love you because of the flaws i see in you and because i see God in you as well. paradoxical, but they're all tied to the same thing. that i love not because you're nice to me but because you're the hardest person to love. when i have to swallow my pride and arrogance and show my weaknesses just to explain and show you what i feel or think - that's when i love. i love you because you don't like me and that makes it all the harder for me to love, and when i realise i still do, it makes me love you all the more because i realise what love is.

so profound, so complicated, i honestly think i haven't done the concept of love any justice at all though after rambling for so long. all i know is that love doesn't depend on the reciprocation, like does. and that makes the world of a difference to me. call me deluded, whatever. but when one learns to love without the expectation of reciprocation, one learns to love as God loves us all.

2:45 AM;

political science is turning out to be slightly more interesting than i'd envisioned it to be.

like, i knew that Napolean was defeated in the Battle of Waterloo, kinda. but i had like no idea that he was sent to some puny remote island as punishment after he got defeated. i'd always thought he was executed or something like that. but banished to some remote, inaccessible island in the middle of some weird ocean?

oh, too funny. history does have its way of tickling me sometimes.

okay i think this is proof that i've been doing my readings. am in the library now doing pol science readings. gonna webcast geog in a while if i can. yay! rather productive today. and my sleeping patterns are becoming a lot more normal now! 7-hour nights are rather normal, right?

i still find Napolean being stuck on some ulu island a rather ticklish thought.

2:34 PM;

am reading japanese studies readings now. i'm so tempted to call japanese studies "jap studies", but Clem said the lecturer said it's affronting to the Japanese to be shortened to "jap". so. since i'm a student of their studies, i shall conform.

soci tutorial today was rather.. useless. i dunno, i always feel like i walk out of soci tutorials not really having learnt very much. i think maybe it's also the subject matter. soci's so.. questionable. so many different ways to view things, so many questions. like say for example, religion is always seen as a constituent of culture, and hence ethnicity. but how does religion remain a part of ethnicity when people from different countries are taking up different religions like nobody's business?

Christianity has always been seen as a religion that originated in the West. hence, a part of Western culture. (though the Bible would beg to differ, since Christianity seems to have originated in the Middle East. but whatever, i'm not here to argue about theology) but how does the several million Asians who have turned to Christianity belong to the same ethnicity as the Westerners? by virtue of the fact that Asians originated from Asia, duh, and that we Asians have some varying facial features from the Westerners in the form of less deep-set eyes, flatter noses, higher cheekbones - we're ethnically different. the sociologists can argue all they want about how races don't differ so much among each other than within, but there remains the fact that people of different 'races' look different. which is good, cos i mean, variety is always good. but ethnicity is supposedly tied in to race in the form of the culture of each race. but if i'm Catholic, that doesn't necessarily make me ethnically Western or Middle Eastern, right? i'm Chinese, i look Chinese with my pale skin with yellow undertones and not so deep-set eyes and double eyelids that are joined to my eye corners, which make my eyes more almond shaped than if they weren't. i celebrate chinese new year and go visiting and expect i'll pour tea for my parents when i get married too. but i'm not Buddhist or Taoist or whatever, don't believe in the things that people normally expect the Chinese to believe in.

so what does that make me?

or rather, is religion a part of ethnicity or should the two be separate?

argh i dont't like soci. it makes me think too much about rather unimportant things. and i think this whole post was rather incoherent and i feel stupid after reading it. but whatever, who cares.

met Stef for lunch/dinner after tutorial and we sat at the Grinning Gecko at the Central Library and talked for a rather long time after we'd finished our food. the food was unsatisfiying, by the way. no wonder i never ate there before. then came back to hall and went to Chels's room to collect the chocolates i'd left with her. and i plopped myself down in her chair and we talked for an awfully long time! sigh bad. i should be studying more.

and i need to complain about inconsideration in hall. i hate it when someone wakes me up when i'm sleeping. i hate it even more if someone wakes me up rudely and loudly and abruptly. banging on one's door in the morning, even if it's 9am, constitutes as all of the above, in my opinion - rude, loud and abrupt. trying to open one's door when one doesn't respond takes it beyond rude or loud or abrupt. it's just inconcievable and i have no word to describe my outrage. i tell you, lucky i latched my door. i wasn't wearing a bra, i wasn't wearing shorts - if i hadn't latched my door before i slept i would have screamed and died on the spot when the door opened. ugh. it turned out to be the hall maintenance guy who wanted to ask me which light was spoilt.

supper downstairs in half an hour! so much for my 'no more supper' stance. going to eat the fish fillet pita bread and wasabi wedges i think. the supper menu in kr is improving. :) hungry.

9:40 PM;

crappppp i nearly screamed and died when i was showering just now.

i have a GINORMOUS tummy and i'm so disgusted with myself cos this is the result of all my eating and AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH howww?!

i think i know how i'll look when i'm pregnant cos i really look damn scarily fat, with my round tummy and all. :( :( :(
how can one naan and one milo translate into such a big tummy? how??

that's it, no more suppers.

2:14 AM;

omg i feel like some professional spammer. not only do i spam email inboxes, now i also spam sms inboxes. i feel so automated, suddenly. like in today's pol science lecture when she mentioned something abt how bureaucracy has no face these days. it's just an automated voice machine that picks up your phone call and makes you wait on-line and listen to stupid music.

and my ex-geog-group is pissing me off big time again.
i don't mean to sound like some condescending whatever, but i'm majorly annoyed. why can't you put everything you want to say in one message?? and do you not get hints that i don't want to continue talking anymore? is my body language not strong enough? is my text-language not strong enough? ARGH. you don't demand things from me. you don't demand things from me especially when you don't know what you're doing. and do you not understand when i say i don't want to study with any of you? I DON'T WANT TO study with you all. which part of don't want to do you not get? omg help me.

ha oops i accidentally deleted the guy's message just as it came in. too bad.

he's spamming me, just as i am spamming the facils. but at least i have cause to. what cause does he have to keep spamming me, day in day out?? and it's not just him, some other NS guy also keeps messaging me to go out with him for coffee or whatever cos he's on leave this week etcetcetc. like hello, you're on leave, good for you. go out with your other friends. i have no interest in going out with you at all. i said it once before, but noooooo he had to ask again. i'm learning how to say no to so many people in so many ways. but i don't understand why these people keep messaging me or whatever when i make it so so clear (at least i think it's clear) that i don't want to reply and i'm only doing so very very reluctantly. i'd think replying one or two or three days late in a one-word answer is a clear enough sign, no? i think i'm fated to stay single for the rest of my life and not get married cos some guys have the innate ability to piss me off all the time. a relationship wouldn't work out if i got annoyed 99% of the time. maybe it's only the younger guys who're just out of NS who're like that. leave me alone, won't all of you? i'm not even that hot. haha.

i'm just an innocent girl trying to get by in her life.

new media tutorial soon. i don't wanna go for it. i don't like going for tutorials alone. i really really hate it. i always go thinking i'll just clam up and blend into the wall and heck the participation points. but when i hear people talk and i realise i have something to say too, i usually end up talking too and all intention of remaining a mere part of the classroom furniture goes up in smoke. it's so much easier to keep quiet and watch the world going by you. but i don't think i'm made to be like that, sadly. i always end up saying things and making things harder for myself and whoever else.

oh crap i realise i sound supremely bitchy and arrogant. but i'm not, i'm just so annoyed. argh. i know, i know. i shouldn't let little things like that annoy me.

'huh why no reply?' is what the guy messages me. the one i accidentally deleted. like, 15 min ago. like, what the hell man?! I AM ANNOYED ALL OVER AGAIN. these people are too bloody free and have too damn much smses to waste.

'then nvm then... nothing impt' is what he replies when i ask him why and say i accidentally deleted his message. NOTHING IMPT THEN DON'T MESSAGE ME LAH. NOTHING IMPT THEN DON'T ASK WHY I NEVER REPLY LAH. don't take up space in my inbox, can? i reiterate. too damn free.

oh don't get worked up over little things like that, Ms Ang.

3:07 PM;

i just had supper, again! for the dunno how many millionth time. staying in hall makes me eat suppers like nobody's business. which is damn bad cos it's not good to eat then sleep straight after.

Chelsa and i were saying that maybe we're subconsciously depressed, which would explain why we're eating so much rubbish lately. but i'm not really subconsciously depressed i think. ahahaha maybe that's why they call it SUBCONSCIOUS. below the consciousness. underneath the awareness. SUB!

am gonna shower then finish the webcast from this afternoon. there's also ministry work to be done, maybe i'll do that after the webcast. i need more hours in my day aaaaahh!


someday we'll know why the sky is blue
someday i'll know why Samson loved Delilah
one day i'll go dancing on the moon
someday i'll know why i wasn't meant for you.


i've bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
rainbows are pretty and magical. they're the symbol of happy endings and happy whatevers. have you ever seen a rainbow in a sad ending? so, would you like a rainbow painted heart, i say? a happily-ever-after kind of love. they don't occur quite as often as they used to, it seems. but then again, golden seashells and rainbow hearts would be what i'd paint for you. fragile sea glass and bottled sea sand would be what i'd pick for you. everything, would be what i'd say to you.

12:31 AM;

Monday classes suck. geog lab just now was the first class i attended for the day. i should've left Mondays free, dammit. couldn't drag myself out of bed for Japanese studies tutorial this morning cos i had a damn bad headache. and a stomachache too. i just wanted to die in bed. new media lectures are a permanent webcast fixture on my timetable now. i think i'm gonna have to give up the 5% reaction papers cos i cannot bring myself to go for lecture, ever. Dee was right, doing a module alone is so difficult! i can't motivate myself to go for lectures. ahhhhh howw.
i have webcasts to do but i'm so tired.

i did several silly things over the weekend. things i ought not have done, things i should have known better than to do.

what Kelly did that was so silly:
1. sprayed perfume into my eyes. damn pain lah. i will remember to check the direction of the nozzle before just squirting into anywhere.

2. had several late night chats. bad for my body. as it was, i was already not feeling very well. staying up late just aggravated the distress on my already not-too-well body.

3. brought back all my books and didn't study at all. wth right. should've just left everything in hall.

4. got pissed off with my sister over something small. never never again. i love my sister too much.

5. skipped Japanese studies tutorial. i should've gone no matter how close to dying i felt.

6. pissed my mom off one of the days (can't remember which already), which just made her grouchy the entire weekend. it is thoroughly unpleasant living with warring parents.


i can't think of anymore things i did which are worth mentioning here.
my ears are bleeding cos i scratched too hard. my lips are peeling cos they're too dry. my eyes are watery possibly cos of the lack of sleep, and also possibly cos i rubbed them too hard. i am NOT in a state of physical well-being now.

haha i think actually i'm quite in an okay mood today, besides the headache buzzing around in my brain. think it's cos i've been doing lots of quiet time, talking to God, loving God, and just believing in all he has in store for me. as i was telling some friends yesterday, i can't explain it but there's a surety in my heart that all will be well in the end, that's why i'm not suicidally depressed or anything, being given potential reasons to drive myself to the brink of insanity in my own head. one of the readings in the week reminded me that God wants us to be happy, happy in him. if God wants me to be happy, who am i to decide to be unhappy? it's just slightly masochistic to wallow in my sadness/depression/upset-ness/confusion/complication/whatever instead of lifting it all to God and trusting that he has a plan for me that will make me happy.

i'm not saying i'm some superheroine with the ability to appear like all's well and i'm happy and strong when i'm not inside. i'm not acting, i'm not pretending. i'm really just like that. i don't appear like all's well, all's really fine with me now and i'm at peace with myself. but at the same time, i'm not exactly all alright inside, it's just that the muddled-up-ness doesn't affect me so aversely. i recognise the complication, i recognise the confusion, but i'm not letting myself be swallowed by all the turmoil raging. do i make sense? hmm. i dunno. i think maybe not, it seems to be contradictory, whatever i said.

okay anyway.

i will try to explain myself again later. i am going to webcast for an hour or so then nap. i'm paying off my sleep debt now. sleeping at 230am and getting up at 6am is rather tiring. especially for a Monday morning.

2:59 PM;

today's turning out to be one of those days where i wish i never woke up in the morning.
i have cramps, dammit. and i feel like crap.
i can't steady my hands enough to pick up a pen to write, i can't focus on anything for too long without feeling like i need to throw up, i can't sit up in my chair without crouching over and wishing i could crawl back into bed.
I WANT TO REMOVE EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ME FEMALE.

i want to puke, i want to sleep, i want to whine, i want to cry, hormones are nonsense.
my head hurts, my abdomen hurts, my back hurts, even my legs hurt, for crying out loud. water retention. i want to sleep but my mother is annoying me. she comes into my room clomping away in her slippers and yelling, "why aren't you up yet?? i hate waking you up, you never get up the moment i tell you to." and i was thinking like, who asked you to wake me up? but i had no bloody energy to say anything so i just rolled out of bed. but why can't i sleep in on a Saturday?? why can't i stay in bed if i feel like crap? why can't she leave me alone to sleep when right now, my body just wants to sleep and sleep and sleep until the cramps disappear?

argh today is one of those days i hope no one crosses me wrongly. i will snap if i have the energy to cos i'm so so so sosososososososososo bloody grumpy and pissed off with the world. pissed off that girls have to endure monthly cramps, as if it's not enough leaking blood for a week each month. no, the loss of blood HAS to come with pain too right. as if it's not enough cramps are the bane of my existence, i can't even sleep well to fight the cramps away cos whenever i sleep when i have my period, i make sure i sleep stiffly straight so i won't stain the bed. and it's not as if pain in my tummy is not quite enough right, i also have to always feel like throwing everything inside me up. like now. like last month. like how many trillion months since i got my first period in Primary 5. can you imagine? i've been enduring this nonsense ever since i was a little girl. 11 years old. it's been 9 years since. 12 periods a year for 9 years. that makes.. 108 times!

i'm sorry if all this was too much info for you, but i need to vent. i resent being a girl and having to go through all this. i resent my periods. i resent the cramps. i resent the hormones that make me grouchy. i resent the hormones that make me feel like dying.

pfft. i really really want to die. hurts like hell.

1:22 PM;

i wish you'd take my hand
as we watch the moon shining in the night sky
wind caressing our faces
dancing leaves and spiralling flowers
fluttering gently down on the sidewalk
counting the stars that peek out from the clouds
close my eyes and imagine it's real
and thinking of all things pretty in the world
golden seashells and rainbow hearts
would be what i'd paint for you

i wish you'd take my hand
as we walk along the seashore
listening to the waves lap on the shore
feeling the sand between our toes
tasting the salty sea breeze
breathing in the fresh cool air
throw our hands up to the sky
and yell what's in my heart to the sea
without a care in the world
fragile sea glass and bottled sea sand
would be what i'd pick for you

i wish you'd just stand there
and let me just look into your eyes
with nary a word, nary a touch.
hear the whisper of the night breeze
dance to the silent symphony playing
throw all my doubts into the passing wind
carry them far away
chuck all the sadness onto the pavement
and watch as the leaves cover them
imagine that perhaps you might
and all things in my fairytale would be right

everything
would be what i'd say to you.

Kelly Marie Ang

1:02 AM;