Okay, I take back my words about being able to function like that.
Hell, no!
I'm really disintegrating before my very eyes. I feel the plaster peeling away dangerously and try as I might to stick back the peeling plaster, it still peels.
Today was a prime example. I probably appeared perfectly fine and normal to almost everyone except those who really scrutinise me - but I tell you, I was so not fine. For some reason or the other, I wasn't able to function well today.
Even my minute-taking wasn't as per usual. It's funny, cos I fooled everyone, even myself, into thinking that I'm okay, I can handle all this right now, nothing has to change.
When the truth is that everything has to change.

And now when I do want things to change, it seems that I keep getting disappointed. I get this feeling that I've been had several times over, and that's what's getting to me.
That I'm being taken on somebody else's joy ride.
And I'm so tempted to just like, whatever the whole thing. I mean, come on. What else am I expected to think if the same thing happens time after time again?
When 'tomorrow' or 'next week' stays tomorrow or next week and never materialises?
When later never becomes now?
When 'this Friday' becomes 'next Tuesday' then subsequently never?
You get my drift.
It's so incredibly frustrating to keep thinking: 'oh, yay! i can finally get this whole thing resolved!' only to keep having to say subsequently: 'oh, so.. since you're not free tomorrow, how about next week?'
ARGH!
And this doesn't just concern me, bloody hell. If it were just about me, I wouldn't bother so much because I'd just pull an ostrich stunt and hide my head in a hole.
But as I said, it's not just about me. That's why it's so crucial to sort things out asap.
Frick, I'm getting increasingly pissed off typing all this in.
BadbadBAD. I think it's cos I was trying to repress all the irritation earlier on.
Pressure cooker effect.
My temper has been very touchy these days. The slightest aggravation really sets me off.
I realise I'm a bit like a geyser. Those holes in the ground that spout out hot spring water at high pressures.
All the water collects underground first because of the increasing pressure. Then when the pressure finally becomes too great, the water shoots out of the hole, resulting in the geyser.
When people piss me off, it all collects underground first, unseen to the rest of the world. But when more and more people piss me off and something in me finally snaps, my temper just whoosh comes out, abrasive and painful.
I guess that's what makes me such a dangerous person to be around, in that sense. Because all these small irritations collect and build up in me until there comes a point when I decide that it's too much - frick it.

I AM IRRITATED. Period.
For so many reasons, and yet I can pin-point the trigger.
My ability to bear grudges for the most inane things scares me. Sometimes, I don't even realise I'm bearing a grudge against a certain person. It's all sub-conscious until one fine day, when the person says/does something to annoy me, it all comes right back.

Argh I'm not in the right frame of mind to execute Sunday's AmazinGrace.
So now, where I fall short in, I need to find in Jesus. It's so hard, though. So impossibly hard to just put aside my confused web of emotions and see things objectively and without bias.
Masochistically, I'm clinging on tighter to my cross now.
There is a lesson to be learnt from all this, I know it. And I think I half know the lesson I'm learning so painfully.
But being silly Kelly who wants to continue living in her own bubble world of roses and happy smiles, I keep turning my head away and closing my eyes, insisting I'm not seeing any light when even through the blackness of my closed eyelids, I can sense the black lightening and light filtering through.

11:58 PM;

Another schedule-filled day today!
Had driving in the morning then headed down to Chinatown to meet Clem and Stef to settle AmazinGrace logistics.
Chinatown has a lot of nice things to buy you know! 19 years living in Singapore and I only found out today. But better now than never I guess!
I'd actually declared this week as my rest-week, but looking at my schedule, rest doesn't come in anywhere at all.
ARGH!
But this is my fault! I've purposely made myself so insanely busy so that by the time I get home everyday, I'll be too tired to really think about anything.
I thought it was very clever of me initially, but now I think it's just silly.
Because at the end of the day, I'm just running away from everything. I'm not resolving anything by not thinking about things. I'm just throwing them out of my mind temporarily while I'm doing my million and one things in the day.
But it all comes flooding back once I'm done with all I have to do.

Anyway. Gotta sleep soon. Rag junior comm meeting tomorrow at 3pm.
See what I mean by over involving myself?
I need to tackle the root of all evil soon.

2:26 AM;

First Love

I ne'er was struck before that hour
With love so sudden and so sweet.
Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower
And stole my heart away complete.
My face turned pale as deadly pale,
My legs refused to walk away,
And when she looked 'what could I ail?'
My life and all seemed turned to clay.

And then my blood rushed to my face
And took my sight away.
The trees and bushes round the place
Seemed midnight at noonday.
I could not see a single thing,
Words from my eyes did start;
They spoke as chords do from the string
And blood burnt round my heart.

Are flowers the winter's choice?
Is love's bed always snow?
She seemed to hear my silent voice
And love's appeal to know.
I never saw so sweet a face
As that I stood before:
My heart has left its dwelling-place
And can return no more.

JOHN CLARE

12:06 AM;

Sometimes, I really really don't know what I want.
It's a horrid feeling, not knowing exactly what you want.
But I'm trying hard to reconcile what I want with what God wants of me. Because I believe that when I finally manage that, everything will fall very nicely into place.
Heh. Maybe I'm being idealistic here, but hey! A little faith never hurts.

Spent a good part of the day out. Core team meeting EARLY in the morning at 1030am - which I was late for because I overslept.
Meeting dragged 'til 2 plus. I knew we wouldn't end on time! We were supposed to end by 1230pm. HA! A woman's intuition is always right.
Too accurate sometimes though, in my opinion.
Somethings, you're better off not knowing. Reallyreally.

Then had a wonderful heart-to-heart with Wilfred after lunch.
I felt like I practically laid my heart bare in that one and a half hours I spent talking to him. It's a wonderful liberating feeling, being finally able to share your burden with someone else. And yet, it's such a scary feeling too, knowing that someone has seen you at your most vulnerable and naked.
I felt like that today. Liberation juxtaposed against fear.
I love my girlfriend. :)

Going off for another good chat now!
One thing every girl needs every now and then is a good chat.
I've been blessed with an abundance of that in recent times. Heh.

11:41 PM;

I'm back from business camp! I've been back since Thursday actually. But. Haven't gotten round to blogging til today. It was funfunfun!
I was in Orva. We won 3 awards! The Crack-the-Code challenge, Something Else game and Best Group Identity.
I thought I was past the rah-rah enthu stage after leaving JC, but I guess there's still that bit of that awkward schoolgirl still living in me.
Anyways. Cheering aside. I am so glad Chelsa and I ended up in the same OG. Seriously, without her around, I think I would've died.
Practically everyone spoke Mandarin! Like, hello, what happened to English? I felt so out of place! But it's okay I guess, cos that's how it's like in the world out there. The newspapers did a survey, and guess what? - majority of the people in Singapore actually speak more Chinese than English.
So I guess that makes me part of the minority. But whatever lah, it doesn't bother me. As long as I can understand what you are saying and vice versa, otherwise it doesn't matter what you speak.

Oh my gosh, I tell you, I feel like I've lived 10 lives the last 3 weeks.
SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
Bloody hell man. It's been too quick for me to comprehend, all the stuff that's happened. I feel so responsible for so many things, it's such a sucky feeling. But shit man, it's not really wholly my fault either.
So what do I do?
Argh. I feel like stabbing something to bits. Frustration is welling up rapidly in me at my inability to cleanup the mess around for everyone, at my inability to face up to the inevitable, at my tendency to pretend everything away.
And I do want to clear things up, I really do. It's just that everytime I try to broach the topic, no one seems to want to help me to clean up. I can't do it alone; it's like when you sweep the floor - you need someone to help you hold the dustpan while you sweep up all the dust.
And you know, the smile on my face isn't really a smile anymore. It's just my muscles freezing into that shape and state to prevent people from asking too much. Wipe the smile away and you'll find an ugly scowl underneath.

Business camp was fun, but I know it's empty fun. There isn't really any meaning behind all the partying, clubbing, cheering and showing off. I was enjoying the attention shown to me at camp, I'll admit it. But that's all there is to it, just the glamour and shiny popularity. At the end of the day, I'm glad I have my lovely community in Zion's Joy and my darling girlfriends Trina and Chelsa to come back to.
You know, the irony is that a lot of my turmoil and upset is caused BY these same people. And yet I love them all to bits. I can't hate the people who hurt me so badly because I love them so much.
I know I'm not really making much sense, but as long as I know what I'm talking about, it's fine. Heh.

I'm so tempted to just throw myself completely into the busy-ness of uni life. It's so easy. Really. I've already tasted what that kind of life could potentially be like, and I would most probably flourish in that kind of life and enjoy all the attention on me. Business camp gave me a taste of what I could enjoy.
And besides, I'm gonna be staying in Kent Ridge Hall next sem when uni begins. I could just run far away and stay far away. It's so easy.
To just lose myself in all the hall and bizad activities waiting for me.
You know, I hate to sound like some self-righteous matyr. But I'm gonna come across like that anyway, I daresay. Because. I'm going to try not to do exactly what I've said I could very easily do to escape from the madness swirling around me.
I'm gonna stay in hall, but I'm gonna do what I have to do back home too.
There are conversations to be had, doors to be opened and shut, dirty and smelly baby pillows to be thrown away, SO MANY THINGS TO BE DONE!

But all that being said and done, business camp was definitely a great experience I had. It was a great 4 days spent, meeting new people - fellow freshies and the seniors and OGLs.


Pictures speak a thousand words.
And so, here're some of the photos of Bizad FOC 2006!















SP night!

















talking to my SP - and I didn't even know they took my slippers.

















eating prata supper!


















something else :)

11:36 PM;

I'm back from YES camp!
I AM SO TIRED!
Really really, I feel like I'm being squeezed dry in all aspects. People around me could see my tiredness, which basically reflected my state of mind all throughout. And being a facil, I was really struggling damn hard to hide my negativity. Don't think I managed to do that all the time though. But IT WAS TOUGH.
As it is tough now to continue packing for business camp tomorrow when all I feel like doing is screaming/crying and sleeping.
My mood is so bad now that it seems like I'm not me anymore. I was snapping at everyone, my mom, my sister - it was really terrible. Until my mom told me I was being unnecessarily acerbic with my tone. Then I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to quell the similarly horrible reflex response. I need to control my temper.

My head is killing me. My back's killing me. Bloody hell.
I wish I didn't have to post such a horrid post today. After all, I just came back from YES camp which was a fantabulous experience for me, even though I was so drained by it. I probably will blog about that some other day when I'm not so insanely upset.
Bleah.
I seriously need to pray to keep my temper in check. It's been getting out of hand recently.
I NEED TO SLEEP.

8:44 PM;

Spent practically the entire day in church today!
It feels like YES camp has begun for me already! Went to church today to clean up the church hall and practice for my worship session with Clem and Wil. Which I haven't really REALLY prepped for yet, by the way.
Unless singing the songs over and over again in the toilet while I shower counts.
But you know what? After tonight's ministering session, I really feel empowered. Not in the sense that I can you know, jump off the top of the Eiffel Tower and fly or something. Empowered in the sense that I am not alone in this, that I won't be left helpless as I try to take on the role of a facilitator in tomorrow's YES camp.

Anyway. I need to get some sleep. Gotta be in church by 745am tomorrow morning.
I don't feel like talking anymore.

1:12 AM;

Sometimes, you gotta do things you really would rather avoid doing. Sometimes, you gotta say things you'd really rather avoid saying.
Heck, sometimes, you gotta face up to reality and all the shit it entails even though you feel like staying curled up safely under the covers in bed with your eyes closed.
I am so not looking forward to tomorrow.
On Friday night, when I felt my entire world crashing down around me when I went to bed, I seriously felt like dying. And when I got up on Saturday morning, I was wondering why I was still alive, wondering why I'd woken up again to face a whole new day.
Heh. The sappy song by The Carpenters comes to mind when I look back to what I was thinking last Saturday morning.

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world when you don't love me anymore.

And yadda yadda. Argh. Too much sop and sap. I've become so utterly desensitised to my emotions that I somehow feel like I've died inside for now.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, actually. I'm so sick of feeling that I'm actually a little glad that my emotions have detached themselves from me, even if it's only for a while.
I AM SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO TOMORROW.
Ugh.

Anyways. Today was a good slack day. Spent the better part of the morning lazing around at home. Playing around with my new toy - a very pretty Samsung notebook! :)
Installing Sims 2 University and downloading stuff for the game... Enjoying the feeling of being momentarily carefree and deliciously burden-free.
Sigh. It was a peace that didn't last, sadly.
I was rudely reminded of the events of the past few days and out came the mask again, to show the world my alright self.
I still haven't really prepped for my worship session for YES camp. I need to look through the words of the songs and decipher what they really mean to me to be able to convey the true essence of the song to the participants.

1. You Are Worthy of my Praise
2. Open the Eyes of my Heart
3. Amazed
4. Eagle's Wings
5. Holy Spirit
6. Spirit Touch Your Church
7. Lord, Reign in Me

I typed out the songlist in an attempt to try to organize my thoughts.
I'm failing miserably!

Bleah and double bleah.

2:03 AM;

It's funny isn't it, how a lot can change in 3 days?
Well, I'm stating a fact. A lot can. I don't even know how or where to start because SO MUCH has happened!
I feel that I shouldn't say too much for now cos there're so many things I have to settle.
Sigh.
Matters of the heart are such a tricky business. Imagine an equation where 1 + 1 = 2. Then you add another 1 to it. The answer should be 3 right? But 1 + 1 + 1 = 0. Somehow somewhere the positives cancelled each other out, only to end up with nothing.

Holiday was good. But coming back to Singapore and reality really hurt. Escaping from everything for the last week was really good. I think it was necessary for me too, although I'd really rather I stayed in my comfortable ostrich-hole, pretending not to see anything coming.
Even now, I don't wanna talk about anything at all. I don't know if it's a sad attempt to pretend away whatever has transpired or what, but I don't feel like talking about anything at all now.

On the upside of everything, I managed to get a tan while on the beach in Perhentian! 3 days in the sun wasn't wasted after all.
And snorkelling was really wonderful. Seeing the fishes THIS close to you just in front of your face, seeing the colourful parrotfish schools darting among the coral, seeing the bright neon blue anemone sheltering a little clown fish in its tentacles, seeing a sea turtle swimming on the ocean floor. It was no wonder then that my favourite song all throughout the holiday was Indescribable.

From the highest of heights to the depths of the seas
Creations revealing Your majesty
From the colours of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique and the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name
You are amazing, God.
All powerful, untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing, God.

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go?
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagines the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to give us the coolness of night
None can fathom


Core team meeting tonight. Two words: oh dear.

11:43 AM;