MY SINGAPORE FILM PROJECT IS ALMOST OFFCIALLY OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)))

Mel and i spent the better part of today AND tonight doing the report. we nearly tore our hair out over the pathetic 2-page report. which took a ridiculously long time to churn out, considering its measly length. and according to wordcount, it's only about 1500 words long. towards the end of our report, we were both going high on each other. like we would giggle at every single thing we said even though we probably wouldn't find it very funny in normal circumstances. and we kept reiterating our 1-brain-cell between the two of us statement. it really felt like it by the time we concluded our report at about 3.15! i felt like i had no brains left.

and haha if thoughts could kill, a million people would have dropped dead tonight. we were feeling particularly muderous. but in a weird way, the whole process was kinda fun. okay, so shoot me for being sadistic. but i'm glad i was doing the report with Mel cos i think we both balance each other out. and it's possible to bounce ideas off each other i think partly cos of our arts/lit background. that's why i firmly believe in a lit education for every school going child. studying literature is healthy for the mind and teaches it to think about things on a deeper level.

i am teething again. my upper right wisdom tooth has begun its growth and it's giving me ulcers because of the abrasion of the tooth on the sides of my mouth. the last time my wisdom tooth grew out, i wanted so badly to just extract it cos it was giving me so much trouble. if i were a baby i'd be crying non-stop because the teething process is just so bloody annoying. it's an incessant toothache and it also feels like there's some decaying food stuck somewhere in the back of your teeth. argh.

okay i harbour ambitious plans! i intend to get up earlier tomorrow morning so that i can do a bit of the mno webcast for last week's lecture before going for film lecture. i have so many trillion webcasts to do and mno readings to do as well that i don't know where i'm gonna find the time to start studying for my finals! sad. :(

4:41 AM;

let me state this oh-so-clearly for the oh, i don't know, gazillionth time?

I HAVE THE UTMOST DISDAIN AND CONTEMPT FOR PROJECTS.
in simple english, i hate it. i'm spending hours of my life toiling away at report after report, at meeting after meeting, in front of the computer spinning imaginary numbers and statistics out of thin air.

i thought pw in jc was bad. uni project work is just that 5 times over. 1 round of pw in j1 was enough to almost kill me and whatever love i had for projects before. doing the written report myself was bad, but it was the better alternative to trying superrrr hard to get my group to write anything other than 5 miserable sentences that do not gel together anyway. well yes, hello. i have 5 projects this time round. no sorry, 4, plus 3 econs homework assignments worth 100marks each to be done in groups of 10.

argh projects are the bane of my existence presently. in my humble opinion, life would be so much smoother without the evil thing called a project. what does project mean anyway? projectile? predict? it has absolutely no meaning at all!! BAH.

had a stats project meeting at 10 this morning in town. McCafe is actually a pretty nice place to just sit and chill out. i think Trina and i did that like, last year. but last year seems so long ago somehow! after stats, Mel and i continued with our Singapore Film report with Chelsa asking us for help sporadically. i tell you, the three of us are like official report writers. and being an ex-lit student is not good! Mel and i nit-picked at every single word and sentence we spun up, analyzing the possible second meanings of words and wondering if our point was brought across strongly and clearly enough. we nearly went crazy by the time 7pm rolled around and we closed shop for the day cos our brains had stopped functioning.

watched Dead or Alive! it's such a brainless show and only 1-and-a-half hours long! but what do you expect anyway. the idea of 4 hot babes dressed in skimpy bikinis fighting in a tournament on an island simply does not promise much of a story line. there are so many movies i want to watch! we came up with a list of movies we wanted to watch today half-way while doing our report.

Kelly's list of movies to watch within the next 2 months:
1. The Black Dahlia
2. Step Up
3. The Prestige
4. The Oh in Ohio
5. Honey
6. The Lake House

Kelly's list of games to get in the December semester break:
1. Black & White 2
2. World of Warcraft
3. The Sims 2: Nightlife, Open for Business and Pets
4. Final Fantasy XII
5. Valkyrie Profile
6. Final Fantasy VII


sighhhhh making these lists don't make me feel any better, to be honest. i'm so holiday-sick now. i'm so sick of school and everything and exams are in 4 weeks but lessons are still going on in full swing and i can't keep up. i want to play games on my ps2 so badly but i foresee my holidays being eaten up by hall stuff in December! i shouldn't have over-joined things in my zeal to earn hall points. silly Kelly.

12:50 AM;

my week of hell is almost over!! mno cq video was submitted today, so it's GOODBYE to that for now! and my Eating Air presentation was today too, so it's toodles to Eating Air for now too. i've been doing so much Singapore Film the last week that i'm sosososososososo sick of it. just the report left to do this weekend and it's a complete bye-bye to Film project cos it's due on Monday!! :)

i couldn't sleep last night! i went to bed at 6am, and only ended up falling asleep at 8! omg i hated the birds so much. those birds that keep chirping at the crack of dawn for who-knows-what-reason, i feel like strangling them. really and truly, i want to take a gun and shoot them down. they kept singing and singing and singing, I HATE THEM. especially when you can't sleep. and a stupid car started horning at 7am JUST when i was falling asleep. i nearly screamed and died. and i had to get up by 1030am, so i was starting to panic by 8am.. argh.

have to go for econs tutorial now! yucks man i hate it.

3:42 PM;

i hate hanging up my own laundry. the clothes hanger thingamajig outside my window is nice and all.. but the surface directly below it is covered with BIRDSHIT. and everytime i accidentally drop one article of clothing on the disgusting surface, i can just feel my heart sinking to my toes cos i know i'll have to wash that piece of clothing again.

it is supremely gross. lumps of birdshit. YUCKS.

Chelsa and i drew up our study timetable for our finals today. i am horrified, to tell you the truth. so much to do in so few days!! i'll be holed up in my room studying for the next 5 weeks i think. booo to exams. but we have a star system that might be fun to implement! for every thing on our timetable we complete, we get a star sticker! haha yes cheap thrill, maybe. but every little thing to keep things interesting helps keep me motivated.

at least i did something productive today! i watched my last week's IT webcast at 1.7 speed. so i finished it in record time. :)

i want to play Final Fantasy and Black & White 2 nowwwwwww. i am suddenly turning into the gamer i once was. don't know if that's good or bad though, since that means my mind isn't really on studying.

4:58 AM;

i totally believe in the therapeutic power of tv.

of sitting in front of the tv/computer and just watch stories unfold in other people's lives right before you. of bawling your eyes out when the girl on tv bawls hers out when she is pulled away from the Love Of Her Life. of screaming when the ghost pops up suddenly behind the guy on tv in the mirror and the squawking macaw starts flapping his wings in some sort of weird frenzy.

that's exactly what i did today. from 1030 till now, i've been sitting in front of my laptop watching show after show after show. no thoughts of work tonight, thankyou. it's a public holiday tomorrow. my wonderful night of tv watching began with ANTM, then this movie called Dragonfly where this doctor's dead wife speaks through his dead/dying patients to tell him about their daughter somewhere in the middle of the Amazon or something. then i watched one episode of Sad Love Story. and i am in a terribly good mood now. i'm in the best mood i've been for a long time. i feel liberated, freeeeee and happy!

haha bet you didn't know that watching tv could result in such tremendous benefits right.

plus, i'm going out with the family tomorrow! i miss my family muchly! even though i go home every weekend.. but it doesn't really feel like i'm spending much time with them cos i spend SO MUCH time in church! ironic, isn't it? how i spend more time in church with the church people then i spend with my family. but yes, we are going to Ikea tomorrow morning! and perhaps Sim Lim in the afternoon. yaaaaay! :)

i want to buy more shows to watch. i brought Troy and Gladiator and Honey with me when i came back on Sunday night on a whim. i had no idea they'd be so useful! i want to invest in the Stairway to Heaven dvd as well as other must-watch-but-somehow-haven't-watched shows like Winter Sonata, Autumn in My Heart, All In and Full House. and English shows like Tristan+Isolde, Interview With The Vampire, Pride & Prejudice, Sin City and ALL JOHNNY DEPP SHOWS. and Survivor is coming back to Channel5!

i think i'm gonna regret wasting my tonight away somewhere along the week cos this week is supposed to be chock-full of work. but i think i needed the break from everything! just retreating into my room all alone to watch show after show wrapped up in my blanket and hugging my pillow is a very nice feeling. i think i should do it more often. and read more too. i don't care if people think i'm a weird recluse anymore. it's fun and i like it. hahah. i can't believe i forgot how much i enjoyed doing this!


opened my eyes today
and i knew there's something different
saw you in a brand new way
like the clouds had somehow lifted
and if yesterday i'd heard myself saying these words
i would swear it's a lie


my all-time favourite line:
you never know who's falling in love with your smile, so smile. :)
i am!

4:04 AM;

Eating Air is an unbelievably DIFFICULT show to understand.
i understood shit about the show after having sat through it for 120min in the lounge. time was really dragging. and at the end of the show, all i could understand after trying so hard for 120min was that 3 men were dead and a girl was walking away from the motorbike.

like, hello?? how am i supposed to do a presentation about the show for Friday's tutorial???????

this week is gonna comprise of nothing but projects projects and more projects. and one homework assignment that i CANNOT DO.

there is a shitload of work to be done this week. and i am so not a Type B behaviour kind of person. like hello, i am getting incredibly stressed out right now over all my work. i'm definitely not feeling laid-back, calm etc.

i can't believe i spent 12.90 on such a bad show. bloody hell.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! :)

not that he'll read this, but who knows? parents are becoming increasingly IT savvy. i know, such an abrupt switch from the whining about my work. i am going to sleep now. i was in such a fricking bad mood for a lot of today that i ended up snapping at everyone in my line of fire and vision. sleeping for 4 hours in the afternoon helped a little but i think it wasn't enough.

read this: PROJECTS SUCK. i've spent my entire weekend on two projects/assignments and have gotten myself in such an incredibly lousy mood. that can't reflect very well on projects in general. if they ever ask for feedback about the project work system, i will bitch like hell i swear.

5:18 AM;

okay i am in such an unbelievably productive mood today. i finished the first draft of my mno video report thing already. i think it should be more or less done! just left the bibliography, citations and annexes to slot in.

i feel like celebrating my producitvity.

aaaaaand. i had my first driving lesson today for the first time in 3 months! and i must say i'm not as bad as i thought i'd be cos i could park relatively decently after the initial refresher instructions. and i could drive on the roads without causing any accidents too. well done Kelly, i must reiterate. :)

busybusy week ahead! i have a gazillion meetings to be at. aaaahhh.
and i just found out from small Steph my 5th floor neighbour that i can find episodes of ANTM on youtube! episodes that i was forced to miss cos of one hall activity or other. can now be found on the amazing youtube.com! i love that site lah i swear. there's also rockstar supernova, project runway, cycles 1-6 of ANTM.. and i bet i could find my Korean drama serials there too if i searched hard enough. there's even some Seattle fish market video thing! the one that i missed from the mno lecture i missed. funnily, the clip wasn't allowed to be broadcasted over webcast, but it's okay to be on youtube. hmmm. no sense at all! youtube's worse than broadcasting cos the whole damn world goes there to search for a million and one different clips!

i spent an hour today searching for and watching the broken up parts of the episode of ANTM i missed last Monday cos of openfloor. i can't wait for Hell Week to be over so i can start watching my million things on youtube.

I LOVE YOUTUBE.

4:31 AM;

i went down for dinner and came back up again cos the food was so so so so so unappetizing. i mean, what you see has a lot of impact on what you feel. if the food looks bad, you don't feel hungry anymore. if something looks less-than-nice, your positive feelings disappear. it applies to everything, food included! hall dinners do NOT look good at all. i think i should start eating out of hall soon before i die from starvation. i can't not eat dinner every night just cos the food looks so bad.

to all concerned friends who asked about my last post: i am alright now, really! thanks my dears, for asking me if i was alright and all, your concern is and was much much appreciated. :) as i said, i had a lot of things on my mind that night, coupled with the effects of alcohol on my brain.. it just made me a lot more.. frustrated over small things that wouldn't normally matter. i was thinking about what happened last time, the whole incident replayed in my mind over and over again. from the conversations to the confrontations to the semi-resolutions. hard to forget all that. i remember lots of stuff, unfortunately. i don't let go very quickly.

and i tend to get lost in memories. ghosts of the past that won't stop haunting me no matter where i go. ghosts of the past that manifest themselves as ghosts of the present and future. an active mind is not always a good thing. wherever you turn you see things that make you think of things that've happened and you always link it in your mind to other random things.

it's terribly exhausting to be happy! i've been in an alright mood generally for the last 2 days. been rather productive and focussed on my work, which is good. and being productive in my academic matters always puts me in a better mood. i think it's the achiever in me. but i think the reason why it's been exhausting for me to be happy stems from the fact that not all's well inside of me. i don't know, i feel alright really. even to myself. but something about me doesn't seem quite right, i can't place my finger on what exactly. it's like i'm curing the symptoms but leaving the actual illness untouched cos i don't know what it is.

ahaha okay i'm thinking too much again. i shall turn my thoughts to my shitload of work to do tonight! i need to do my mno one-pager for last week's tutorial which i conveniently didn't do, type out the companion guide for the mno cq video, discuss econs homework with Chelsa and Danielle. i also want to read my econs text cos i understand zilch about the lectures, seriously. and my mno text and readings cos there's just so much to read. and oh how could i forget the film report Mel and i are supposed to work on first?

shitload is an understatement. MAF tonight which i will be skipping to discuss my econs homework.

oh and i cleaned the fan in my room already. so it's currently dust free and oh so clean. hahaha yes i went on a springcleaning spree yesterday afternoon. swept my floor, packed up my table a bit.. told you i was productive. :)


from a friend, to a friend:
close your eyes so you don't feel them
they don't need to see you cry
i can't promise i will heal you
but if you want to i will try
to sing this summer serenade
the past is done we've been betrayed
it's true
someone said the truth will out
i believe without a doubt in you.
you were there for summer dreaming
and you gave me what i need
and i hope you'll find your freedom
for eternity.
yesterday when we were walking
you talked about your ma and dad
what they did that made you happy
what they did that made you sad
we sat and watched the sun go down
picked a star before we lost the moon
youth is wasted on the young
before you know it's come and gone
- too soon.
you were there for summer dreaming
and you are a friend indeed
and i know you'll find your freedom, eventually
for eternity.

*eternity//robbie williams.

6:10 PM;

i just found out things i'd rather not have found out about. and i am sad. i know, sad's such a mild word to use, but i'm at a loss of words to use right now. shockingly, yes. but i really am. i'm semi-dazed and semi-whatever, semi-upset and semi-alright. i don't even know what i'm feeling right now. i have NO words to describe this, so everything's gonna sound repeated and jumbled up. what if you didn't really want to know about something but you already knew about it anyway? i hate the feeling. it was like this the last time, i knew exactly what was in store for me. but i didn't care, i wanted to know anyway. and what happened in the end? i ended up feeling like shit. i do not want to put myself in the same vulnerable situation again, although i think i'm somewhat on my way there already. you cannot make someone fall in love with you. you can fall in love with someone, yes, but you just can't make the person feel the same way. you might touch the person with your sincerity and sweetness, maybe. but what if the person already likes someone else? nothing you do will help your case one bit. okay it probably seems that i'm talking about me right here. but somewhere along this paragraph, i stopped talking about me and started musing in general. there're just so many things on my mind now, i could type on and on. i'm not devastated, i'm too brain dead to really think. sigh. i wish i could empty all my thoughts and pour them out of the window. or like in the Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. i'd want to erase my thoughts and memories cos there really isn't a point in keeping them. who cares if i felt so giddily in love the last time, and enjoying that happy feeling? it was so temporary. who cares if i had such high hopes and sweet memories? it was so fleeting. i'm sure i'll find those happy memories again sometime along in the future with someone. but i'm equally sure i'll find those sad memories along with those happy ones. sigh alright i have so much more to say but no more words left in me. i want to be free and i think i have a chance to be, the cage door's wide open for me to fly out. but at the same time, i refuse to fly out from my cage and instead would rather continue caged up in my misery. where is the logic in all this?

5:31 AM;

it's been a pretty darn long night i must say! so many gazillion things have happened in the last few hours that it doesn't seem quite right that Monday isn't over for me yet. open floor was quite fun! haha i had fun dressing up in my pink sari and taking photos! :) i am such a photo-whore sometimes.

oh and i got into soccer! ahaha yes, no mean feat for a non-sports person like me i must say. hehe. i used to pon pe more regularly than attend it, so you can imagine my disdain for physical activities. butbut. suprise surprise! Kelly's in soccer now ha. after today's soccer training, i feel inspired to improve on my fitness so i'll be able to last a longer time on the pitch. after a mere 15 min playing today, i felt like dying. but i scored 2 goals! heh which is funny cos i started off playing soccer in ibg as a defender. but 2 goals ain't bad i think! i had a lot of trouble at the start of the training session though. my passing was horrendously bad and i think Yanhe the coach wanted to kill me.

"Kel, you're not kicking hard enough!"
"Kel, aim before you kick! accuracy!"

i felt soooooooo bad. i mean, it's basic things i'm flubbing on. it's not as if i couldn't get chesting or whatever, it was basic passing and running. i think i've got a long way to go before i become a decent player! i'm not even half-decent now i think. well, but i'm supposed to have 'potential', so i sincerely hope the potential doesn't just remain that but instead becomes kinetic. har-dee-har. the late night is messing with my brain and making me spew weird physics terms in my vocab. and i was so fricking tired after training, it was no joke okay! my ears were completely stuck and i couldn't breathe properly halfway through the game. oh if you're wondering what my stuck ears have to do with anything, my ears tend to get stuck on me whenever i get too tired and want to die. it's a sign that i'm dehydrated and need to drink water fast before i pass out. and also a sign that i have to stop exerting myself or the light-headedness and dizziness WILL set in soon. training on Wednesday again. there's no way i'm gonna be able to improve my fitness level in 2 days, but i think this kinda thing will slowly build up over the course of the trainings.

projects SUCK. i hate them all. filming just now was alright, but projects suck in general. and econs presentations and homework assignments just take the cake. i hatehatehatehate Mangerial Econs. the lecturer seems to think that his is the only module we're taking and is piling on the homework like nobody's fricking business. like hello, maybe we have 4 other modules that ALL require stupid projects too? and the last assignment we did, we got a 82.5.

which is, believe it or not, BELOW BLOODY AVERAGE. the average for the assignment was a 95. anything below a 90 wasn't too good. errrrr. hello? 82.5 and bad doesn't seem to equate. i had a hard time digesting the fact that we didn't do well... and got a 82.5. if i got that last year for econs, i'd be doing backflips to the moon already lah. what the hell man, seriously. i was just stunned for a while when i found out that we were waaaaaaaaaaaay below average for the paper. with a 82.5 to add. i'm sorry, i cannot stop emphasising on the number, but i am so disturbed by the fact that a 80+ grade is NO GOOD. wth.

anyways, projects aside. Nick asked me just now why i've been so loud lately. i guess i've been trying too hard to mask the slight tinge of depression i'm prone to slipping into with over-enthusiasm and all. but it's better than constantly giving off a depressed vibe. i'm sick of being so sad all the time. give me fluffy bimbotic-ness anyday to tide over the upset and things on my mind and i'll grab it with both hands. squealing, giggling, jumping and all other bimbotic mannerisms and gestures included.

a lot of girls who act bimbotic and oh-so-dumb are just acting. many people don't realise it, but a lot of times, the "oops! *giggle* i'm such a bimbo!" cutesy mannerisms are fronts put on by people to hide certain things. and certain smarts too, sometimes. it's so much easier to coast through life without expectations weighted on you all the time, warped as it may sound. some people may enjoy the challenge of having the expectations of the world on their shoulders, but no thanks i say. give me lower expectations and delighted expressions at my success anytime. give me people thinking i have nothing between my two ears and being surprised when i say something intelligent anytime rather than to have people expect me to be brainy and all and be disappointed when i say something dumber than my intellect should allow. maybe i'm having a wrong attitude towards life's challenges, but whatever. i don't need unncessary pressure.

oh and what's up with societal norms about BGRs? the guy always does the chasing, right? like, whatever happened to equality of the sexes man. what if the guy is such a blockhead that he doesn't know how to go after a girl? is she supposed to wait for him to finally figure it out after how many million years? i, for one, wouldn't mind going after a guy i was into. i'm me, after all. proactive, stubborn and i always know exactly what i want. but then, there's this princessy side of me that just shudders at the thought of making the first move on a guy. i still want my happy fairy tale ending, oh-so-sweet Korean drama courtship, in short - societal's norms that a relationship should fit into. i don't want to not make a move on a guy i really like only to regret it later cos he was just such a bloody piece of granite who knows nuts about getting a girl. on the other hand, i don't want to have to make the first move because I WANT TO FEEL LIKE A GIRL. i have to endure cramps every single bloody month, come on, i should get to enjoy the perks of being a girl right. one of the perks being the pampering by her boyfriend.

so that's why.. if i were born a guy everything would be solved.
i'd go after the person i like without expecting some fluffy airy fairytale ending - like a girl would.
i'd go through each month blood free and cramp free - like a girl like me would.
i'd be able to go all out to express my affection for someone i liked without worrying about whether i was coming on too strong to the world - like a girl might feel.
i'd ask a girl out if i liked her and not worry about whether the guy i liked thought i was crazy - like i would feel.

alright, so i'm not exactly representative of the entire female population. and some girls might want to stone me after what i've said, since i don't seem to be taking either a feminist stance or a pro-girly girl stance.

i just realised my stats tutorial is still untouched, and it's already 530am. i think it's gonna remained untouched until tutorial tomorrow when i will have to copy vigorously off the screen. again.

busybusy day again tomorrow! i really have to visit the post office soon to get my driving license renewed. my driving lesson's on friday and i need it by then. crap. so much for a relaxing week this week! heh. my bed's inviting me now. finally. it's been a long time since i went to bed at night feeling sleepy. goodnight world.

4:52 AM;

sometimes i wish i were a guy.
for several good reasons.
i may or may not elaborate later, depending on my mood!

IT tutorial in a while, then the start of my loooooong evening/night begins.
soccer training at 530, openfloor at 930..
pffft. so much for this week being a relaxing week!

and i couldn't get up for the screening of Children of Heaven this morning. i still want to go back to sleep, actually.
i think i might sleep early tonight after all! after openfloor, after ANTM, after my stats tutorial.

oh shucks. i just remembered about the filming tonight. :( so much for my plans to sleep early. i see it going up in smoke already.

1:58 PM;

i am bloody pissed off now for no particular reason.
i am holed up in my room with the music blasting sad songs, ironically. since i don't have enough pissy songs in my laptop.
if thoughts could kill i think a million people would be dead by now.
i have a stats midterm tomorrow but a gazillion things to do tonight. block supper, cg, en's birthday. smu interview.
i feel like stabbing something. i can't place my finger for the exact source of my annoyance but i think it's due to a myriad of reasons.

you piss me off big time. and i am so tempted to say 'you suck', but i'm going to hold my tongue and fingers. 'you suck' is not a nice thing to say, even when one is pissed.
i am being such a fricking bitch here already. no one knows, but yes.
my thoughts/feelings/emotions are all majorly screwed up and messed up now. i am extremely incoherent and possibly dangerous, hence my isolation in my room until i've cooled down somewhat.
dangerous not cos i could physically harm anyone. i am too physically drained to do anything.
dangerous cos i know i am perfectly capable of saying poisonous things now in the foul mood i am in. and when i lose my temper i don't know how to get it back under control.

*(#&(*^*&^&)*@)(*@&*^(@&#)(@*_&*&*(^&@@#I*)_#IOI(#)(@&*(#U&@Q&#&&__#@ENUWYE*Y#*Y@#*#()&!@#&#(*)^#@&!*@&Q*NB*W#*QWQUYW&QYW&Q@*Q!(@&(*@&


bloodyhell.
damn you.

4:48 PM;

i think it's a lot better to keep expecting the worst that could ever happen than to imagine the best and be completely crushed when it doesn't and the worst happens instead.

i've been spending the last few weeks living partly with my head in the clouds and partly cruelly self-yanked out of the clouds. i'm treading a dangerous line and i'm starting to be a little reckless, and i think it's time it all came to an end.

eyes don't lie, and both mine and yours don't. words do lie and so do smiles. i've been practising the art of smiling widely and happily when i ask you something and pretending that the answer doesn't matter at all when it does, so much. i can look right at you in the eye and even smile with them and say things flippantly only cos i don't want to appear like i even care just a bit. i believe what i see, i believe what happens, i don't know what's true and what's not anymore. on one hand it's so much easier to just convince yourself that you've been living a deluded fantasy all this time and that what you fear most to be true is true. it's so much less tiring cos that just leaves me at an emotional low all the time, which i suspect will taper off into an emotional whatever eventually.

i don't really want to be neurotic though, since according to my mno personality assessment, a person with high neuroticism is perpetually depressed. and it just seems slightly warped to put yourself through emotional torture perpetually just so you'll be spared a possible emotional stampede later on. cos i mean, what if the feared stampede never happens? you'd just have tortured yourself for no reason at all. it seems masochistic and just bloody warped.

but i really don't want to feel so fricking upset everevereverever again. no thanks. the memory of the couple of months ago still haunts me every once in a while. i wish i could walk back to the comfort of the potential promise to smooth away all my tears and pain again and feel special and loved again, but i can't. i decided to walk away from that and it would have been fricking selfish of me if i hadn't. i don't mean to sound like some wonderful noble specimen of a human being, but even though it was so promisingly nice and snug, i couldn't. all i want is to feel loved at the end of the day and love that someone too, to have someone listen to me bitch and whine and to listen to him bitch and whine in return. it's such a fundamental human need and want and yet so elusive to so many.

and i think deep down inside i am a horrid person. i may look like sugar and spice and all things nice, like i'll smile sweetly and innocently even when someone calls me a name to my face. but i'm damn scared cos lately i've been so bloody bitchy and i'm starting to think i might be slightly two-faced as well. i don't like what i'm becoming. and i'm such a fundamentally jealous person that it's slightly scary. aaaahhhhh. i don't like being me. i scare myself. :( i think i scare myself cos i think i'm perfectly capable of smiling oh-so-sweetly at you while i stick a knife in your back. and i try so hard not to have unfounded bad impressions of people, but i can't help instinctively liking some people less and less even though i tell myself not to. arghh.

i wish i could go back to carefree days on the beach and the silky sand beneath my toes, the feel of the hot sea wind blowing on my bronzed skin as i lie completely outstretched on the deckchair, the bump of the volleyball on the sand and my squeal of delight when i manage to get it over the net. delicious stolen nights spent out under the clear night sky even though tears mingled with sand and salt and my heart broke from having to speak and listen. endless conversations on the wood-planked balcony as we speak of things that would never be and i traced the night clouds with my eyes. setting my eyes on the clear blue of the sea, so calm and beautiful and everything i wish i could be. i wish i could go back to happy, silly nights of endless card games and drowning in beautiful eyes, to secret smiles at hopelessly romantic songs that made my heart melt before i knew it was all a lie, to believing so stubbornly that 'now and forever i will be your man' was more than just a heartbreakingly empty promise even though it seems so damn sweet and made me smile to myself.









































































because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i've learned to stay on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid

until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
now and forever, i will be your man




i think it's time to say goodbye. to everything.

3:12 AM;

stats tutorial for tomorrow is KILLING ME. i am getting increasingly frustrated cos i'm stuck at the first bloody question and i'm so annoyed cos i think it's supposed to be easy. but i can't get it!!!!! frick man. ugh. i feel like ripping up my notes. they are SO NOT HELPFUL.

on a happier note, i feel a little placated by the fact that i didn't waste my entire night away! i finally got round to sitting through an mno webcast - this morning's one actually - and i thought it was pretty good. i feel rather accomplished for paying attention to the mno lecture for 2 full hours when i usually fall asleep in mno Monday morning lectures.

i think i'm gonna webcast all my mno lectures from now on. i absorb so much more and i function better at night too anyway. 1 mno webcast down, 3 more to go!!

and watching ANTM earlier on made me happy too. my Monday nights are always pretty good cos there's some semblance of normalcy akin to life before hall in the form of my weekly ANTM slots. NOT looking forward to tomorrow night and Wednesday night either cos it'll be so busy that i just thinking of it makes me stop breathing. tuition tomorrow night at home area - last tuition before Shermaine's econs exam on Wednesday. home area is bloody far from hall, and the best part is that i'll be training/bussing home cos Dad's gonna be in a meeting tomorrow evening. :( i hope he'll be done later at night or i'll have to train/bus back to hall again after tuition. but on the other hand, i don't particularly want him to drive me back so late cos i think he'll be damn tired. am conflicted!!

okay. one last attempt at stats tutorial before giving up and just flopping onto my bed to read a bit of stats notes for Friday's test before bed.

3:25 AM;

when you're in a good mood, everything in the world seems just that much happier too. the sun seems brighter, the air smells fresher, the birds sound happier, even the rain seems more friendly. but when you're sad, the world seems like a much gloomier place. the sun seems to shine too damn brightly and too hot, the air is humid and stuffy, the birds' chirping grates on your nerves, the rain is bloody irritating.

i woke up on the right side of bed this morning and my day got off to a fantastic start. felt like dressing up a bit to complement my good mood. but as the day went on, my mood slowly started dipping and now i'm just like, alright whatever goes. even if you told me something completely shocking i think i wouldn't be able to react aptly cos i'm just too.. lazy to feel anything.

watched Money No Enough today. to be very honest, i didn't think it was that fantastic. i was quite frankly, perturbed by the depiction of the ugly Singaporean who only cared about 'saving face' in front of others. it was really quite disturbing to see the women wailing loudly over their dead mother only cos they wanted visitors to the wake to think they were filial.


don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away.

8:12 PM;

i've seen this place a thousand times
i've felt this all before
and everytime you call
i've waited there as though you might not call at all
i know this face i'm wearing now
i've seen this in my eyes
and though it feels so great, i'm still afraid
that you'll be leaving anytime

we've done this once and then you closed the door
don't let me fall again for nothing more

don't say you love me unless forever
don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away

i've caught myself smiling alone
just thinking of your voice
and dreaming of your touch is all too much
you know i don't have any choice

don't say you love me unless forever
don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away


*don't say you love me//the corrs


*****


opened my eyes today
and i knew there's something different
saw you in a brand new way
like the clouds had somehow lifted
and if yesterday i heard myself saying these words
i would swear it was a lie

i don't know why but suddenly
i'm falling
was i so blind?
i was loving you all the time
now i'm hopelessly addicted
helplessly attracted

i'll make a wish this day
and i'll send it to the heavens
that we will always stay entwined like this forever
and though the world may change
cos nothing stays the same
i know we will survive

i don't know why but suddenly
i'm falling
was i so blind?
i was loving you all the time
now i'm hopelessly addicted
naturally we acted

hopelessly addicted
helplessly attracted
chemically reacted
i was loving you all the time
hopelessly addicted
helplessly attracted
chemically reacted
naturally we acted.

*hopelessly addicted//the corrs

2:32 AM;

spent a large part of today in bed.. again.

cramps on Friday resulted in me skiving off meals, and since meals have become such a big part of life now in hall (ie. i've been eating a lot a lot a lot), my eating less has had a significant impact on my digestive system. i think cos my stomach's been used to constantly having a lot of food to digest, the skimpy meals the last few days have resulted in my stomach digesting itself cos i haven't been eating constantly. to cut a long story short, i've been having gastric on top of cramps. which is a first, cos i've been able to eat significantly less during my cramp days in the past without having to suffer through gastric woes as well. ohwell. changes in my body.

i feel so inspired to study now. my brain doesn't feel like it's been stuffed with cotton wool now, unlike this afternoon when i tried to study stats. shit lah, i think my body clock's been wound to enable me to best function at night. and FUNNY HOURS OF NIGHT, i might add. argh. but i gotta get up at 7am for mass tomorrow morning. and core meeting after mass and my grandma's birthday lunch at Serangoon Country Club after that and ohmygoodness my day's so packed tomorrow. come to think about it, my upcoming week's gonna be damn busy too. econs presentation on Friday, all the hall comm interviews somewhere along the week, IHG soccer tryouts on Wednesday and IFG netball games on Monday AND Wednesday (which, surprise surprise! i have trouble going for AGAIN cos Monday's game clashes with my film lecture at 6 and Wednesday game clashes with soccer trials) i am such a sucky vice-capt. :( and i can't believe i'm actually considering volunteering to be volleyball capt for IFG. but volleyball's so fun to play! i swear, i'm addicted to it. i accompanied Chelsa and Yisi to the trials last Monday and ended up getting hooked to the game and going for trials on Wednesday too just for the heck of it.

and..... i've cut my hair and i'm VERY UPSET about it. i look like a bloody mushroom now lah. argh. all i wanted was a trim to snip off all the split ends, and what did the lady do? she snipped off SO MUCH OF THE LENGTH and was more interested in promoting her shop's products than in cutting my hair. like everytime she brought up a particular problem with my hair (eg dryness due to colour, perm blahblah), she would put down her scissors and turn round to take the relevant product from the shelf, unscrew the cap and wave the bottle under my nose and ask me to smell it. like hello, how will smelling help?? and i think she always forgot how much she cut after she went off to get her product so she would start off cutting a lot again. i was perfectly happy with my long hair cos the weight kept the curls at bay, but now that it's shorter and more layered, my curls are totally out of control again. i cannot wait for my hair to grow out again. i really really can't. i'm never going there to cut again. from now on, i'm going to make an appointment with my regular hair stylist and make a point to go there even if it kills me to travel. i will NOT risk colouring my hair at that woman's place. speaking of which, i can't wait for my hair to grow longer again so i can colour AND perm it again cos both of the abovementioned are rapidly growing out.

shucks man i really want to start studying some stats but it's really late and i should be sleeping soon. oh and i can't believe i slept at a fairly normal time last night - 1130pm!! i was dead tired last night lah, i think enduring the cramps just sapped all my energy for the day even though i spent so much of yesterday in bed. and tuition just now was quite inspiring. i feel rather accomplished, even though i don't really have a concrete reason to feel that way. i think it's the feeling that you've managed to help someone understand something that you were struggling with yourself a year ago. it's a goooooood feeling i must say. and her parents gave me Raffles Hotel snowskin mooncake with crunchy chocolate bits inside and champagne-centred chocolate. heavenly, i tell you. i think another reason why i feel so accomplished is the fact that i've signed up for the comms in KR, for which applications close tomorrow night. i missed the first round of applications so i feel good that i've managed to sign up in this round.

okayokay i think i shall go sleep after reading a bit of my mno textbook. i think i've been obsessed with it these days, but i can't help it. it's rather interesting you know! a bit of psychology and why people behave in a certain way and all. i like. :) and what a wonderfully long post tonight. i feel accomplished again cos i haven't typed in such complete sentences for such a long time. heh.

2:05 AM;

i'm at homeeee! :)
sitting in my lovely air-conditioned room with msn working perfectly fine and not shutting down on me every 10 minutes.

i spent the better part of the day curled up in bed cos my stupid cramps came back, less viciously than before i might add, but still, they came back. paaaain. :( couldn't get up to go for any of my classes today cos i felt so dizzy and lightheaded. and my lunch was dangerously close to being thrown up, so i just lay in bed and drifted in and out of sleep.

i discovered last night that chocolate makes your cramps subside somewhat, courtesy of my neighbour Mun Yin and Peklyn. i've sworn off pink panadol for now, cos now it take 2 pills to kill the pain for just about an hour. my dependence is scarily high. so i'm just gonna struggle every month for a day without pills and just sleep the pain away.

i'm gonna sleep early tonight. even though i spent a good proportion of the day drifting in and out of fitful sleep, i need some GOOD sleep.

i kinda feel like watching Disney shows now. my player's playing Disney songs and i'm feeling like a little girl again. and i know this is really out of point, but i also feel like studying stats now. i brought my stats text home to practice and i KNOW this weekend's gonna be productive. i can feel it in my bones somewhere haha.

8:13 PM;

there was a power outage last night at about 2am! was starting on my mno one-pager when my laptop screen suddenly went black. and so did the entire room and the rest of the corridor, for that matter.
some of the 5th floor girls decided to go up to the 7th floor and wait the night out cos it was getting unbearably hot and stuffy in the rooms without the fans working.
Alexis and i tested out the strength of the hammock! it was strong enough to contain the weight of both of us, and while we were swinging happily on it too. haha.
some of us played bridge on Alexis for a while before switching to playing word games and number games. i left the little party for a while to take something from Nick's room and ended up dozing off on the beanbag there for a while under the nice whir of the fan.

i never appreciated my fan until last night when it died on me.

i am currently a little sad due to certain reasons but i think i shall just go do my work. so much to do, so little time. and i don't feel like doing anything useful at all. okay i shall not wallow in self-pity and self-produced sadness.

12:56 PM;

Singapore Film midterm is overrr! it wasn't too bad, 12 Storeys came out, as i somehow knew it would.

IT tutorial in 2 hours time. meanwhile, i'm gonna sleep the 2 hours away.
sleep has risen over lunch in Kelly's priority stakes.

1:44 PM;

Cheryl's back in Singapore for the weekend!! :)
stupid girl, i had no idea she was coming back. and when i was leaving church after mass, she suddenly came right next to me to poke me, i thought i was seeing a ghost cos i thought she was still in Malaysia.

on a more annoyed note:
my productivity level today is below sub-zero. do you have any idea how deplorable terrible horrible "below sub-zero"'s implications are? i am bloody dead. i only managed to finish all of ONE film the entire afternoon, and that was partly cos a lot of the material i used, i managed to glean from the lecture notes.
i still have Twelve Storeys and Bujang Lapok to tackle. my main concern is Twelve Storeys though. i think it's a deeper film than i'm giving it credit for but i'm just too fricking lazy to work my brains and organise all the thoughts about the show floating in there onto a piece of paper.

ughhhhhh. i procrastinated AGAIN. just did TWO mno surveys online. and transferred another 50 songs onto my hard disk.
Kelly, you suuuuuuuuck. you need a large dose of discipline and energy in your life right now, because I AM FALLING ASLEEP ON MY CHAIR. argharghargh bleaaaaaahh.

5:20 PM;

hehe i can't believe i was bored enough to do all those blogthings.com quizzes last night.
but then again, i am pretty much in a good mood now cos of 3 things:

firstly, i have expanded my song library by about 50%! my music folder has exploded from a mere 300 songs earlier today to 452 songs and counting as of now! :)

secondly, today's PAY DAY!!!!!!!!! and because i've been working extra hard this month with the threat of mother darling threatening to cut my allowance by 100 %, today's payday was extraaaaa sweet.
end of the month tuitions are always to-die-for.

thirdly, my parents treated me to a scrumptious lunch at Centrepoint today!!! black pepper crayfish horfun and ginseng chicken soup - bestbestbest lunch i've had in the longest time ever. i was damn surprised they suggested eating in town today after picking me up from hall at 11 though, cos we neverever go to town for lunch on weekends nowadays. ohwell, i'm not complaining! haha. cup corn after that made me even happier and contented. :))

i seem to have a thing for percentages and stats today. i must be feeling guilty about my untouched stats tutorial waiting for me in my bag. but whocares! hehe.
today was a greeeeaat Saturday with wonderful food, parents in a good mood, tuition pay and more songs in my song library. oh and did i mention the satisfying afternoon nap in the rain under my comforter? yeaaaahh. :) i think i half fulfilled my dream of sleeping in bed on a rainy day like a fat cat. i'm so contented that if i were a cat i could purr now. heh.

2:21 AM;