i just finished my geog assignment due tomorrow.

I GOT SO ANNOYED DOING IT. i'm so glad it's done.
school's really killing me.

3:11 AM;

OMG I HATE IHG I HATE HALL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE EVERYTHING.
i'm so tired, i really am. don't give me that 'oh really' look if you ask me whether i'm tired and i say yes, i will slap you, i swear. don't think that my life revolves around hall, cos it sure as hell doesn't. don't even ASK ME WHY I'M SO ANNOYED WITH HALL when you don't want to listen to what i have to say anyway.

i feel like screaming and swearing and just flopping into bed and hiding away for a week. nothing ever ends, duty duty duty, work work work - i have schoolwork too you know. if you don't care about your results, don't drag me down with you please. my schoolwork's my toppest priority in school, everything else falls behind it. my ministry's my toppest priority in my other aspect of life, everything, and i mean everything, including all the million and one things to do in hall, falls right behind it. if you don't agree with how i prioritise, you have every right to, i'm not disagreeing. but don't impose your values on me cos it's not gonna change my mind and only annoys me to no end.

frickyouall. i sure as hell don't give up two years of my life to emptiness. i'm not selling my soul and my time to emptiness in the busy-ness. if you want to, go right on ahead, but ask me why again and i swear i'll kick you where it hurts.

7:48 AM;

don't judge me for who i am.
don't judge me for who i am not.
don't think badly of when i crumble.
don't think well of me when i don't.
don't ignore me when i cry.
don't ignore me when i smile.
don't look me in the eye and just turn away.
don't look me in the eye and stand there.
don't expect me to know everything.
don't expect me to never fall.
don't think the world of me.
don't think nothing of me.
don't shut me off when i try to help.
don't feel shut off when i don't.
don't let me love you.
don't tell me i should when you won't.
don't wonder why i cry.
don't wonder why i don't.
don't keep it all to yourself.
don't let me keep it all to myself.
don't leave me alone.
don't, just don't.

12:07 AM;

when the earth shakes beneath your feet and the walls reveberate around you, what do you do?
when you try to keep the pillars from collapsing and the plaster from peeling, what do you do?
when the stars seem to be crashing down over your head and the moon isn't shining as brightly as it used to, what do you do?

when you try to smile even as your muscles ache, what do i do?
i'm scared.

10:38 PM;

how apt it is that not too long ago, when i was living in my walled-up, bubble wrap world where dreams didn't exist, i wondered to myself: if God were to take away what i love or deny me what i wanted with all my heart, would i still be able to say, yes God, you're good all the time and i love you?

it's easy to say that i'll trust in God for all the plans he has for me, come what may, when all's going so deceptively smoothly in my life. it's easy to proclaim that i love God when he gives me the results i want or blesses me with the dear friends in my life. it's easy to say that i want to give everything up to God when i have nothing to give up.

but when life's not so smooth sailing, will i be able to say the same? if God doesn't give me what i want, will i be able to say the same? and if i have the world to give up, will i still be able to say the same? i don't think it's quite that simple, really. it's one thing to say things with your lips. words come cheap. it's totally another to mean what you say.

and i've found that over the last few days, one important thing i've learnt is to say what i mean, and not just parrot things off the top of my head cos i think it's the right answer. i've learnt to smile at the little things that life surprises you with, even if the night before you feel like there's never gonna be anything to smile at again. i've learnt to want to live like there's no tomorrow, and even love like i'm not afraid, though i may get burnt in the process. i've learnt that hurt is transient, i have to want to let go and put my mind on letting go of it all. i've learnt that i'm a scarily stubborn soul, even to the point of delusion. i've also learnt that i'm stronger than i think i am, behind the fragile, porcelain-like exterior.

i think i can safely say that i'm learning to trust God so much more, learning to really understand what it means when i tell myself that God will always give me what i need and what he knows to be good for me, though this may not necessarily be what i want. in other words, what i want may not be what i need, and God knows that through and through. such simple words, but they mean so much. it means not asking God why he didn't answer your prayer when you don't get what you want so badly. it means telling God that you totally trust in his plan for you, even though you may feel like crap now. it means to be able to walk through a darkened doorway, scared as you may be, with all the certainty in the world that the most beautiful light waits for you at the other side, even if you can't see it. it means so much, and i'm just finding out the tip of the iceberg of what it means to totally trust in God. it's hard to understand why we have to suffer from the hurt when God doesn't give us what we want so dearly, and yet we HAVE to understand that the hurt's only temporal and beyond the hurt, beyond the pain, beyond the tears, there lies something so much better, so much more beautiful.

and at the end of the day, even if things don't work out the way i wanted them to, i'm still me. i'm still Kelly Marie Ang, still the girl with so much more inside than she shows to the world, still the loving soul who has such a great capacity to love because she was made for that, still the slightly hopeless romantic tempered with a bit of real world cynicism, still the girl with so many questions about everything, still the girl in love with life and all it has to offer. i'm me, and nothing that happens could ever lessen my sense of who i am. i just learnt that.

it's important to love who you are, really. because if you don't love you, how do you expect others to love you, and how can you love others? and if things don't work out, remember that it's not cos you're not good enough. it's just not the right time, right person, right everything. God took the time to make me in his likeness (ahaha he must be a very pretty man if my mirrors have been accurate), God took the time to imprint in me all my unique individual traits and give me the gifts i was born with, God took the time to plan out my life for me, even though he knew that at certain junctures i'd be hurling expletives at him. if God did this for me and the dunno-how-many billion people in the world, don't you think you must be worth at least something to him? i do.

and to my dear Lynette: thank you.

1:07 AM;

woke up early and just lazed around in bed until i met Chels for lunch at Munchie Monkeys. soci tutorial was slightly boring, nearly dozed off in my chair. 2 hours! was quite long! but at least it's one of those once every fortnight kinda tutorial, which i like.

i'm smiling, i've been smiling. :)

4:38 PM;

such a pretty morning it is!

there's such a lot of world to see.
i know.

11:26 AM;

today passed by in a total blur. i was so tired and my eyes hurt so bad and my head hurt so bad too and i just floated from class to class. i didn't know i looked so bad until Mel called me and asked what the hell happened to me, cos i looked as if i wanted to die and take the whole world along with me.

nah. haha. don't wanna die. and don't wanna take the whole world along with me if i do either.

sent Shaun off at the airport after class today. i felt so sad for him! 5 years! i can't imagine how he must've felt, cos i mean i'm away from home for just a week in hall and i'm already so homesick. and i still have my friends with me. but if you go overseas, you're alone. you have to start anew. it's scary. to leave behind your loved ones and only remember them in your head when you're away.

cleaned up my room when i got back. don't know why i suddenly felt like cleaning up my room, but i think it has to do with getting rid of the dustballs in my life. it's like, you know, you have to clean out the clutter in your life, and this desire manifests itself as a desire to physically clean up your surroundings. swept the floor, cleaned the curtain blinds with wet tissue, cleaned the dust caterpillars off the fan, wiped down the tables and most other surfaces in my room with water, threw out a bag full of garbage from my table - and there's still plenty of clutter in my room left. i think it's an ongoing process, you have to keep cleaning to keep the room clean. similarly, i have to keep cleaning out the clutter in my life to keep my life clutter free. or the dust caterpillars will just collect on the fan again and spin yucky black caterpillars of dust all round the room.

there's much on my mind at the mo but i'm not overly troubled. i do wonder why i've let myself slip still, why i let my thoughts run away with me. when you already know that the truth is a cruel one, you still let yourself be swept away by your wishes and wants and in the end, the fall back down is so sharp, so painful, so jarring that my ass still hurts from the tumble back down on the ground. i told myself to never let my guard down again, to never expect anything cos when you don't expect, you don't feel crushing disappointment, nor do you have to live with the knowledge that you practically lived in a fantasy world you created for yourself. even if i only let myself live in that bubble world for the shortest time ever, fact is that i did allow myself to, and that overnight stay in that wonderful, fantastical world of dreams resulted in devastation. never again will i even let myself imagine that you know, that maybe dreams do come true after all. it's too hard to face the cold reality afterwards. i don't wanna become cynical, i don't wanna be distrustful, i don't wanna live in a painful, spartan world where dreams don't exist and you only allow yourself to live in the now of the place and not a maybe of the future. but i fear i'm slowly becoming like that, and i don't know what i can do to stop it. yes, even though i'm not depressed now or crying my eyes out from sadness or whatever, i still do have these random thoughts of 'silly Kelly, what the hell were you doing? what the hell were you thinking? you let yourself imagine that dreams come true, and see what's happened?'

tired. shall sleep soon. soci tutorial is rather annoyingly difficult.


i'm here, just like i said
though it's breaking every rule i ever made
my racing heart, it's still the same
why make it strong to break it once again?
and i'd love to say "i do",
give everything to you
but i could never now be true
so i say,
think i'd better leave right now
before i fall any deeper
think i'd better leave right now
i'm feeling weaker and weaker
somebody better show me how
before i fall any deeper
think i'd better leave right now.
i'm here, so please explain
why you're opening up a healing wound again
i'm a little more careful
perhaps it shows
if i lose the highs, at least i'm spared the lows
now i tremble in your arms
what could be the harm?
to feel my spirit calm?

i wouldn't know how to say
how good it feels seeing you today
i see you've got your smile back
like you say, you're right on track
but you may never know why
once bitten, twice as shy
if i'm proud
perhaps i should explain
i couldn't bear to lose you again.
*leave right now//will young


i just cried and cried and cried when i heard this song. i am rather emotional still, sadly. i should be fine in a few days though.

3:08 AM;

so many things happened today, and not all good things at that.
i lost my phone. my beautiful white slide phone. may the person who took it from Bus D in NUS not sleep well for the next few years. it's a sin to take what's not yours.

my head hurts from all the crying from today. today was honestly an emotionally exhausting day. or rather, it was an emotionally exhausting night.
so you see, it's always safer to assume things aren't real. though it's delusional, it's also a safety net. i never want to fall so hard back to earth again and i dunno, i pray i haven't lost faith in love.

promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

i'm tired. so very tired. a part of me just wants to hide away and curl up under the covers of my bed, away from the world. and yet another part of me just wants to embrace the world for all that it is, hurts and all. i don't want to be a recluse, i love life and all that it brings. i love being alive and i know that feeling hurt and sad and all those negative feelings are a huge part of being alive. feeling hurt is not gonna be a permanent thing, that i know. though it seems like forever when you're in it, it's really only a short while in the entire span of things. in God's time, we have forever to live. so the one or two years of hurt we go through are nothing compared to the joy and wonderful feeling of wholeness we get to enjoy when we reach fullness of life in Christ in the eternal.

we tend to get sucked into the microscopic view of things, chasing dancing sun-beams of butterflies that seem to real only to dissolve into nothing when we put our hand through the golden wings. stop chasing those butterflies, they're not what's important. we forget that what's truly beautiful is the source of the sunbeams that the butterflies are made of, and we only see that in the macroscopic.

i'm sad and lost for the moment, but i'm gonna be okay.

2:20 AM;

geog lab was suchhhhhhhhh a fiasco.
my group mates know nuts about geog, and they even seem to have trouble understanding what i say. for those 2 hours, i was wondering if i was speaking English or some other weird alien language.
killmenowplease. we have an assignment due next week and i just hopehopehope that everything'll go fine. i insisted on collating the answers and submitting so i could have a final look at everything. I NEED AN A. they probably think i'm being a Hermione but whatever man.

just did my laundry! for the first time in a long time! had damn a lot of clothes to wash cos Carol stayed over on Wed and she left a lot of her dirty stuff here. the whole washing machine thing was full! ahaha i dunno, washing clothes just made me feel happy. it's the feeling of cleaning out the dirty things in your room and i guess it seemed to me that i was cleaning out the dust in me too, somehow?

i'm tired! surviving on 2 hours of sleep is no joke okay! my brain's so fuzzy and i think if i nap i might not wake up for volleyball later. and i'm supposed to go for soccer training later! hall is just.. too many things to do. all the activities, scurrying around - for what, in the end? at the end of 4 years in hall, are you a better person by any stretch? sigh i dunno. i know all my complaining's completely useless. i whine so much, bitch so much, and yet i don't pull myself out of hall. something's flawed here isn't it?

sleepy, hungry, bored, and yet so much to do! the paradox of it all.
sometimes i feel like i'm being a horrible person to the core. the things i do or fail to do, the people i hurt unintentionally, the things i say, the tantrums i throw, the inherent bitchiness that's a part of me, i hate them all. and i dunno, if in pursuing your own happiness you end up crushing others' and hurting them, is it worth it at all? of course, the text book answer would be well, if your friends aren't happy, you can't be truly happy anyway, so of course you shouldn't do things like that. and yet, i wouldn't be completely honest with myself if i just said that. i mean, i have so many wants and desires, so many dreams and hopes that i cherish in my heart. would i be able to put all those aside for others? i wouldn't be able to, i think.

i used to think running away was an option. but it's not, really. cos in the end, when you're all alone before you sleep, ghosts of the past come back to haunt you sometimes and leave you feeling so unsettled, so miserable, like all's not well. even if you surpress it so well that you deceive yourself and everyone around you, even if you chuck it out of the window and swear that you'll never use a bamboo pole to retrieve it, it still comes back somehow. it's buried deep in your subconscious and only when you're sleeping and your guard is down, it comes out and prances around in your head once more. face up to it, move on, start anew. don't hang on the shreds of the past, they're just that. so much easier said than done, but at the end of the day you've got your whole life stretching out before you and whatever you've gone through is as much a part of you as all the spankings you used to get from your mother.

sometimes, life seems such a dream. things you never could conceive of do manifest themselves in wisps and sighs, and they touch you and leave you, wondering if you're lost in your own delusions or what. today was rather surreal. it was one of those days when you wonder whether you were really you yesterday, whether you were really alive yesterday, or whether it was but a dream. as a line from A Midsummer Night's Dream so nicely puts it:

if we shadows have offended
think but this, and all is mended
that you have but slumbered here
while these visions did appear;
and this weak and idle theme
no more yielding, but a dream.

i pinched myself hard this morning to see if i was alive. things seem so surreal, really. and it's the sheer normalcy of today that makes me wonder if i even did live through yesterday. things going on as they always do, nothing's out of place.

gonna nap.

2:22 PM;

MAN U LOST TO ARSENAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOO TO THEM. :(

i was hoping they'd hold on for a draw at least, but... what the hell happened man??
sigh. football. terrible.

was talking to various people tonight. just got off the phone with Chels. it is damndamndamndamn late and i dunno how i'm gonna get up tomorrow. i still have so much work to do - the smu boards thingy i conveniently forgot until i put down the phone, and all my readings!
omg readings. i must bitch about it. there is SO MUCH TO READ. like, seriously. i CANNOT finish reading everything i swear. hahah! just now i had a typo and i typed 'sweare'. sounds and looks like a very old English word.
and word sounds and meanings were the key points of today! had a looooooonng ym meeting to choose the words for our mission statement and i tell you, i've NEVER been so sick of words in my entire life before. sometimes the sound of the word gives me a certain feeling, but how can i convey a feeling right? it's hard! you leave out so many elements and facets and in the end it just doesn't do the word justice.
and i tell you, i nearly got into an accident today man. i forgot you were only supposed to go up ahead into the right turn pocket when it's green light, and not when it's a red light with a blinking green arrow. damn scary lah! cars were coming from my right and left and horning at me like nobody's business and i was just like, shit shit shit how now brown cow. and i had to just force my way out of the juncture and it was SO SCARY cos the cars were just zooming by and not slowing down and i had to swerve and manouvere to get out of their way. lucky the car was safe. dad would've slaughtered me if it didn't come back with all 4 wheels.

i'm no longer confused.

3:32 AM;

i've seen this place a thousand times
i've felt this all before
& everytime you call
i've waited there
as though you might not call at all
i know this face i'm wearing now
i've seen this in my eyes
and though it feels so great
i'm still afraid
that you'll be leaving anytime
we've done this once & then you closed the door
don't let me fall again for nothing more
don't say you love me
unless, forever.
don't tell me you need me
if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling,
i'll only believe it
make it real -
or take it all away.
i've caught myself smiling alone
just thinking of your voice
and dreaming of your touch,
it's all too much
you know, i don't have any choice.
don't say you love me
unless, forever.
don't tell me you need me
if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling,
i'll only believe it
make it real - or take it all away.




yeah, take it all away. i don't want anything anymore. accidentally, i'm in love? don't even suggest it, friend. i'm not, i'm not, i'm not. i'm not in love, i'm not in like, i'm not in whatever. i'm not deluding myself, i'm not fooling myself.

11:08 PM;

I AM TIRED. boooo. my brain is fuzzy and i can't keep my eyes open and all i want to do i sleep the day away. especially since it's raining and i've been having such nice dreams lately and i never want to leave my dream world cos it's so much more comforting, so much more close to the reality that i want.

but. there's work to be done. facil reshuffling for YES needs to be done and OH I WANT TO JUST SLEEP.
i don't wanna go anywhere today, don't wanna leave home, don't wanna do anything. laziness is something i have to overcome one day i think.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand. i've been thinking a lot lately but all the thinking hasn't helped me one bit. if anything, it's only made me a lot more confused. i don't know what i want anymore, which makes pursuing it even harder. even reading the Bible makes me confused cos it seems to say one thing one day and another thing the next. maybe it's cos my mind and heart's not at peace with each other so what the heart wants, the mind doesn't. so conflict takes place and makes me feel uncomfortable all over. it's damn hard to switch off the voice from the heart and just do what the mind says, and it ends up taking a lot of feeling out of everything i do and say. but i'm scared. i don't wanna get hurt again through no one's fault but my own, i don't wanna hurt anyone, i don't want anything i do or say to cause pain or irritation or annoyance or whatever to anyone - myself included.

i wonder, when you look into my eyes do you see what i wanna say? do you see what my heart longs to spit out even as i wrestle with my brain to make the words the brain wants to say come out through my mouth? irrationally, illogically, incomprehensibly, the heart seems to not care to a certain degree about getting hurt. that's the beauty and the terrible thing about the inner world of emotions. it's the brain that tempers what the heart feels because the brain's afraid, afraid of getting hurt because of things that i allow myself to say, think, feel or do. if i didn't listen to what my mind told me, i'd be doing so many stupid things and allowing myself to fall so deep that i couldn't get out. which, i foresee will be a veritable disaster because of certain assumptions i assume to be valid. i know we shouldn't make assumptions, but some assumptions are made to protect ourselves, aren't they? you tell yourself certain things and you make yourself believe certain things so you won't fall into the trap of delusion and fantasy - which could potentially make you miserable and potentially neurotic (because that's what neurotic people do - they make themselves unhappy and are perpetually depressed)

and yet, i'm not depressed this time round. far from it. i'm certainly not overjoyed or deludedly happy that i'm gonna live out my fairy-tale, and there's a certain certainty that God'll make all well. i know i've repeated that line dunno how many million times, but at the end of the day when i've exhausted my mind and all it's possibilities and warped theories, that promise that God'll clean up the glass bits and mess on the kitchen floor is all i can cling on to. really. and you know, while on one hand i'm afraid to love or even like, i want to love like i'm not afraid, i really do. i don't want to inhibited by my own assumptions, i don't want to put on a front that's essentially not me. i want to throw myself into loving and not be afraid that i'll get hurt, i want to love wholeheartedly and with a pure intention and not hold back because again, i'm afraid to get hurt by my own actions. oh, the irony of it.

live like there's no tomorrow
dance like no one's around
sing like no one's listening
give like i have plenty
love like i'm not afraid
be the woman i was meant to be
be the way i was made.


i was made to love. i know it. so why be afraid?

2:16 PM;

i am so tired!
am staying over at Chelsa's place tonight. and her keyboard is damn nice to type on.
HI PAL! haha.

i am quite happy! but i'm so tired!

3:34 AM;

i'm scared to love you, so very terrified. i'm scared to even think about it, and so i don't let myself. but sometimes in the dark of the night when i curl up in bed and put my head on the pillow, i allow myself to run away with my little fantasies, where boy loves girl, and feet don't touch the ground. where i can love without inhibitions and do whatever i wanna do, say whatever i wanna say without the constant fear of rejection. you can't love without getting hurt, but you can't love with the fear of getting hurt either. sometimes the best thing i can do is to love from afar because i'm just afraid of imposing myself on you, of imposing my wants and perhaps unwanted feelings on you, but are we just second-guessing things and making assumptions of everything? my mind cannot hold much more, but it seems that there's no limit to what the heart can feel. even when you think you've had enough, even when you tell yourself you will not care anymore cos it only causes you much pain - you still care anyway. stubborn fool, you tell yourself. but that's what love is anyway right? if i truly care for you and i truly do love you, i'll love you whether or not you feel the same way. it might force me to love from afar, but a failure to reciprocate does not warrant a 'you suck' from me. and yet a part of me also thinks that if i truly did love you, i'd pull myself away simply because you don't feel the same way. not cos you don't reciprocate, but because i don't want to complicate your life, i don't want to be an eyesore to you, i don't want to impose on you, i just don't want to make you feel negative feelings towards me that you might not want. different contexts, eh. don't second-guess anymore, say what you mean and do what you want. but can i really bring myself to? sigh i am still peturbed by little hazy misty things that i can't chase away. i'm trying to be okay, i really am.


don't let your head rule your heart
don't let your world be torn apart
don't keep it all to yourself
just let all your emotions run free
with someone like me.
i know it's hard when you're feeling down
to lift your feet up off the ground
we make mistakes, but doesn't everybody
you don't always have to agree
with someone like me
that's the way it should be.
we know the story so far
of what you want and who you are
let all your emotions run free
you don't always have to agree
with someone like me.
*someone like me//atomic kitten



i'd give up forever to touch you.
and i just want you to know who i am.


i honestly forgot who reads my blog, so have to Be Careful. not that it's bad, but some things are better left unsaid unless you wanna bother yourself with unnecessary things.
watch your words, Kelly.

7:23 PM;

whenever i listen, i feel so close.

and i get lost in my thoughts and wander about in the mazes in my head. there're glass mirrors everywhere and they trick me - it's all just a mirage. and i know it, somehow. can feel it, somewhere.

close my eyes and just get lost in the music and the lyrics, where things seem clearer and sadder and feelings come out beautifully instead of in hesitant bits and pieces.




i know what it means to live like there's no tomorrow. the depth of the phrase hit me this morning when i was walking to the biz library to meet Stef and Chelsa to study. you do everything you wanna do today instead of procrastinating it to tomorrow, because tomorrow might never come. you say whatever you wanna say today, you live through every second as though it might be your last and you don't waste your time on useless things that shouldn't warrant much of your attention in the first place. you tell whoever you love that you love them, even if you never intended to express your feelings so openly. you smile at those who make you happy to show them that they do make you happy, you reach out a hand to touch those who you've been dying to give a hug to cos you wanna show you care - so much. you call up your loved ones when you feel like it and not tell yourself, i'll do it tomorrow, i'm too tired tonight.

sometimes all you wanna say is in your eyes and nothing you say can convey whatever you wanna say. sometimes you know what you're feeling, but there're no words to describe it.
i'm not defeated or giving up 2 days after the conviction i had that all would be well. i still do know all will be well, but as the days pass and blend into each other and a sense of prevalent normalcy threatens to rob the weekend of its special significance, i need to cling on tighter and tighter to God's promise that all will be alright. alright not in the way that i define it, but in his way. i was waxing lyrical about impatience and the importance of patience on Monday when i met Chels in Clementi to get books, but i'm only human and i'm so desperately impatient for a change to take place - just like that with a snap of my fingers. and yet i'm also so desperately sure that God does things in his own time. so it's just my human nature surfacing in me and trying to dictate my thoughts and rationality, it's perfectly normal for all of us to have to constantly struggle to put this human nature down and live in the now of God and not the now of me.


i'd give up forever to touch you
cos i know that you'll feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now
all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
cos sooner or later, it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight
and i don't want the world to see me
cos i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.
you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
you bleed just to know you're alive.
*Iris//Goo Goo Dolls.


i don't, and yet......
i want to sing a song.

3:30 PM;

frustration is slowly bubbling up inside of me, and yet everytime i feel it coming up, i take a deep breath and close my eyes and cast my mind back to the surety i'd had in God. whenever i feel annoyed and pissed off and just so bloody frustrated at how short-sighted some people can be, i tell myself to bite down the words of irritation that are dying to jump out of my mouth.
these days i tend to say exactly what's on my mind and that's not always a good thing. what's brewing in my mind isn't necessarily always nice and constructive, so i have to filter out what's pure bitchiness and what's destructive and just keep my cool.

but you know, if you're just being plain retarded in every sense of the word and you don't use your brains to think, then i'll have no choice but to tell it to you to your face because you need to grow up. when i said i'd do everything i have left to do in hall, i meant it with a clause: unless you ask me to do something so absolutely dumb that it makes zero sense to even attempt. God gave you a brain for a reason. use it before making people do things and wasting time like nobody's business. God gave us 24 hours a day, he meant us to do good things with it because we don't have an unlimited supply of 24 hours. we all die, after all.

ugh so think, please, i really don't want to bite your head off.
i'm trying to be a good person, i'm trying to do things with a smile, i'm trying to be optimistic and cheerful about everything and i'm trying to tell myself that doing all this inane work probably will bring some good about eventually, even if i can't see it. BUT IF YOU ACT SO DUMB I CAN'T HELP BUT WANT TO CLOBBER YOU. do you want me to clobber you with a smile on my face or with a cheerful attitude? arghh.

my knees are dying on me, by the very way. i think it's a case of early arthritis because it's been hurting at the joint since yesterday. and it hurts every time i'm in the cold or if it's exposed to air-con. and sometimes even when i'm wearing jeans, it hurts. i am going to suffer next time.

keeping busy is the devil's way of making you unable to pray and spend quiet time with the Lord. i was busy all the way till 2 plus last night and then i went to print my notes and readings, by the time i was moderately tired i realised it was already 4am. like, hello. i tried to sit on my bed and pray before reading the bible but i couldn't, my brain was shutting down on me. so i made do with what i could, i turned out the light and talked to God before finally falling to sleep.

it only gets harder as it goes along, never easier.

and i am dead tired. i want to sleep but i have so much readings to do. i should take a nap before reading or nothing'll go in anyway, but i know if i nap i won't wake up anytime soon. howww. my back is killing me and i think my body is shutting down on me. i want to do so many things but sigh, the spirit is so willing and raring to go but the body is so bloody weak and tired out.

soldier on, girl. you are not alone.


but those who trust in the Lord for help
will find their strength renewed
they will rise on wings like eagles
they will run and not get weary
they will walk and not grow weak.

Isaiah 40:31


and this is proof of that, stuck on my board in my room.

3:23 PM;

i'm back in hall.
back to all the hall rubbish - yes, rubbish i say, because that's what this all is, to me now.

but i'm determined to see through this sem the best i can, keeping whatever commitments i can fulfill and firmly telling the rest that i really cannot do that i'm sorry, i can't.
prayed about this during the retreat and decided that this is the best thing for me to do. even though it would make a lot more sense to so many others to just give it all up, cos i mean hey, i'm probably not even gonna be staying in hall next semester, so why bother? it's not a points issue to me anymore, it's an ethical thing.
to me, quitting would be taking the easy way out of everything. dropping everything would be so much easier, i could live with the knowledge that everyone thinks i'm some irresponsible shit. but quitting every single thing now would be selling out to myself, and i have to stop doing that. have to stop selling out to what i believe in, and stick to my guns no matter how tough the going gets.

praying about everything just put things in perspective for me and made things so much clearer. things like ham and smu and wardrobe, i can still do. hall production's a little iffy, but i'm determined to do what i can for that. i'm ruling myself out of soccer because i don't want my gums to bleed again, my dad says i shouldn't train for a month or so and not exert physically. so i'll not go back to training. cheer comm was something i got haphazardly roped into and wasn't something i'd actively sought out to join, and i recognise that i can't commit to it. so i'm pulling myself out too.

and i'm 100% commited to God and my schoolwork this semester. i'm seeing a lot of things in a new perspective now, and it's really good how my mind's clearer.

i'm quite at peace with myself even though not all's well. there's a difference between peace and okay. peace is acceptance of everything because of the knowledge that all will be well even if it isn't now. okay is just getting by day to day. and we're not called to merely get by day to day, i realise. we're called to fullness in life in God and that means having the faith that God will work in our lives for our good. as i said, i want to live like there's no tomorrow. life to the fullest, nothing less for me.

ohh yes i wanted to blog about the retreat. it was really good for me, personally! God was so real to me, God spoke to me and i spoke to God, i fell in love and i don't know when i'm going to fall out of love. it's this feeling that you wanna keep being with someone, keep wanting to talk to him and share your life with him, you can't help but smile when you think about him and you are filled with so much joy whenever you think about him. it's exactly like falling in love with a mortal person, only so much more beautiful because you know he loves you so much too!

i was indeed blessed to have met the people who conducted the retreat - Srs Edwina and Cecily, Petrine and Geri. they touched me so greatly and left such a big impact on me and i think it was a turning point for me. God spoke to me in the silence of the long, beautiful night, through the people all around me, through incidents that seemed insignificant but on hindsight have so much inherent meaning, God spoke to me through the Bible and in my dreams, God spoke to me for the first time in a long long time and i was so happy. i still am, and i don't know when i'll stop.

you know, even though things seem so normal now, it mayn't necessarily be the case. as i mentioned once before, sometimes the right 3D glasses are needed to see beyond the wavy reds and greens to the picture behind. and yet, even with the knowledge that all is not well now, i'm still not afraid because God's in full control of everything. of every word i'm gonna say, of what i'm gonna do for the day, of how things will turn out, everything. he knows who i'm gonna marry, even if i don't and i have no clue now. he know when and how i'm gonna die, whether i'm gonna die tomorrow or 50 years from now, whether i'm gonna die in a car accident or in my sleep in old age. God knows what i'm gonna name my child and how my child would look like, he knows who i care for so much even if they don't, he knows who i dislike even if i try to keep it from myself. he knows everything, i'm just coming to terms with that reality cos it's so vast and huge and so true.

i'm glad i went for the retreat rather alone, or as i would say it, girlfriend-less, because it pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me susceptible and more vulnerable, which as a result made me a lot more open to everything. to the sessions, to the quiet time, and ultimately to his soft voice in my heart. if i'd been with say, Chelsa or Cheryl as it had been in the past, i'd have ended up nattering away to them and not really getting anything out of the sessions or the quiet time. and in the past, quiet time used to be just time for me to get lost in my thoughts about certain issues and i couldn't focus on finding God. but this time, for some reason or the other, i could really silence everything else and i found God, i really did! if someone asked me what i got most out of the whole retreat, i'd say "i met God and said more than just a hello!"

i think it's a combination of everything's that happened that allowed me to finally find God in my heart this time. the fiasco at home the day before the retreat really really helped me align my thoughts and focus, will you believe it! i could relate the entire incident to everything happening in my life now.

see, when i dropped the bottle on the floor and made a complete mess out of the kitchen, that was when i made a mess in my own life. then when i tried to clean up the mess in the kitchen, that was me trying to clean up the mess in my own life.
when i tried to call my parents to ask for help cos i didn't know what the hell to do, that was me trying to call God to ask for help.
and when my parents didn't pick up the phone, that was God seemingly not answering.
when i started to try to clean up by picking up the biggest pieces of glass on the floor, it was me trying to clear out the biggest problem by tackling it straight on in the hopes that everything would be alright after that.
but even after taking the biggest pieces out, the mess was still there. same. even after tackling things head on, the problem was still there. but i just thought i'd 'cleaned up' cos i mean, i'd thrown away the biggest visible piece of glass anyway. same thing in my life. i'd charged head on into the hugest issue in my life, i felt.
so i turned away from all the tiny million shards of glass on the floor and the oil still everywhere, telling myself i'd already cleaned up and i was done. likewise, i turned away from the remaining things in my life and told myself i'd cleaned up and was alright.
but i knew somewhere at the back of my head that if i stepped into the kitchen again, i'd step on the oil and glass and i'd hurt. likewise, i knew somewhere in the bottom of my heart that if i stepped into the whole thing again, i'd still get hurt cos the tiny glass shards were still everywhere.
all i wanted was for my dad to come home cos i knew that when he did, everything would be alright cos he'd know exactly what to do to clean up the mess. likewise, all i wanted was for God to come back because i knew that if he did, everything would be alright cos he'd know what to do, simply cod he's God.
and when my dad came home, i was so happy cos i knew that even though the mess was still there, he'd be able to clean it all up. when i found God, i was so happy cos i knew that even though the mess is still there, he'll take care of it all.

so many parallels, it's amazing! i journalled it all down and i still have plenty to say but i gotta run for my new media lecture now.

8:28 AM;

got back from the YM retreat today.
it was. the BEST retreat i've attended in my 19 years on this earth. seriously honestly truthfully. it wasn't a fun retreat by any conventional means. it was good because it was so painful. and no, i am not a sadist by any means. i don't enjoy inflicting pain on myself, nor do i get high when i'm suffering. but God has a way when He works in people, and more often than not, His way doesn't promise roses and violets and lovely crocuses or poppies along cobblestoned roads. God's way often involves us realising ugly truths about ourselves, us coming face to face with issues we've buried deep inside us that still give us so much hurt and pain still whenever we uncover them.
i had such a real experience of God during the retreat that even now, i'm so.. so.. amazed and all i want to do is go back to my conversation with God i'd been having since QT last night. i probably sound a little wonky, like huh why does she want to talk to herself kinda thing. but really really, when you've really had a REAL experience of God in your life, you just never want to stop talking to Him. you just want to spend all your time nattering away to Him and listening to what He has to say to you and oh, i'm so in love, i really am.
i'm so blown away by what He has revealed to me, by what i've come to really feel with my heart and mind and every part of me, by how loved i am despite of my greatest weaknesses, by how convinced i am that God'll clean up the oil spill in my life even though i just can stand there and look at the mess wanting to cry and i don't have the words to say anymore even though i know there's a whole ocean of things to say. this is the depth of my conviction, it's incredible.

i feel somewhat grown up, somewhat changed, somewhat like a new person. yes, even though i'm still me with all the same vulnerabilities and weaknesses and likes and dislikes and talents and strengths, even though some semblence of the little girl still resides somewhere in me and though she wants to come out to play sometimes, i recognise that i'm growing up and i'm no longer just a little girl anymore.
i was told that i look like a delicate, frail, sweet, pretty little thing with absolutely nothing inside my head except fluff. with a million dollar smile and pretty little voice. but somehow someone's managed to see past all that outward appearances and she used the words "you're a strong woman inside" on me.
woman. i daren't even think of myself as a woman yet, and yet i fear i'm becoming that sooner rather than later. i've learnt so many things over the course of the last year, 2006. really damn a lot. and so much of what i've learnt was so terribly painful. and yet that's the beauty of it, i'm me now because of what's happened. i'm me now, cracked and delicate still because of the time i've been dropped and yet i wouldn't be me if the cracks weren't there.
you've been so much a part of my life, even though i don't even talk to you now. it's so strange but it seems like there's something more to be uncovered out of everything, so much more to be discovered - beautiful things. like a rainbow through the storm. i'm so sure, i know it as fact, i know God will help me even though i don't know what to say beyond the gulf.

more about the retreat tomorrow, i'm dead tired.
the spiritual deepening over the 2 days have started to take its toil on my body, and all i need to do is rest. strangely enough, the thing i kept thinking about last night before i fell asleep was: if you can imagine it, you can believe it. it doesn't make sense to my logical mind but maybe my subconscious knows so much better than my conscious self knows?

i leave you tonight with my motto that ended up sounding a little poetic and slightly like a Chris Tomlin song that was someone else's motto.

Kelly's motto
i want to live like there's no tomorrow
i want to love until forever
i want to sing a song i write
i want to see the sun & feel the wind & say hello to God in my heart
i want to make you all as happy as i can
i want to smile even through the tears.

8:50 PM;

TODAY WAS A SHITTY DAY.
even though i've only been awake for 4 hours of it.

deep breath.

you will not BELIEVE everything that's happened!
firstly, i woke up cos the dratted house phone wouldn't stop ringing. thank goodness i woke up though cos it was Chels asking about tutorial balloting.

so anyway, i realised during the convo that my gums had been bleeding overnight again.
nevermind, nothing new, i thought.
so i carried on, tried doing my balloting and ranking. and stupid cors acted up on me, i just couldn't reselect my tutorial slots.
after that was over, i cooked lunch.
cos i realised my stomach was dreadfully empty. instant porridge was the choice for the day since i didn't want anything too messy to clean up.
OMG WRONG CHOICE MAN.
the cooking went well, perfect. the porridge boiled, i'd put in just the right amount of water into the pot and it was turning out fine.
until i decided to put sesame oil in my porridge to make it tastier.
bloody hell absolute wrong choice of the century.
the stupid bottle was difficult to cap back. so there i was shoving down with all my might on the bottle cap to close it, when woosh it slipped out of my hands and went crashing onto the kitchen floor.
THE STUPID BOTTLE SMASHED INTO PIECES AND THE OIL WAS EVERYWHERE.
i just stood there for a full minute wondering what the hell had happened.
then when it sunk in, what had happened, i wanted to burst into tears.
yes, silly thing to do i know. i mean, fat lot of good tears will do to the mess right. but there was glass all over and the oil was just pooling up there on the floor and some had spilt onto my legs as well and i was just like, ohshit.
after morosely fishing out the big pieces of glass from the gigantic mess and throwing them into the ntuc plastic bag i had the sense to rummage out, i decided to go eat my lunch first before trying to clean up.
threw several pieces of tissue onto oil before eating, hoping that it'd soak up most of the oil and i could start sweeping the shards once i was done with lunch.
no such luck though. there was too much oil. so i had to kneel on the stupid floor and mop up the mess with more tissue. at this point i was cussing my eyeballs out.
so when the oil had more or less been mopped up, i decided to try to sweep the bits of glass up.
but i couldn't find the bloody broom anywhere!
called my dad up wanting to cry already, and he said "oh i know where the broom is already! it's in Carol's room. try the dustbin." my reaction was a shrill screech and my dad was like, "alright calm down, girl. so after you get the broom and sweep up everything, you take a bit of liquid from the toilet and water and use the mop and blahblahblah.." at this point barely anything was going in as i just numbly nodded and said "okay" several times.
as my dad said, the broom was in Carol's dustbin. like, hello. why would anyone in their right mind put a broom in the dustbin????
came back down, swept up the glass bits, poured Ajax on the floor and sloshed water over it, swept the mop right over several times and i sniffed the patch before me. it still smelt like crap, so i poured even more Ajax over. it didn't smell any better so i was like, whatever lah. i'd poured two capfuls on the floor already, i thought mom and dad wouldn't be happy if they found out i'd emptied two bottles of things in one day - the BRANDNEW bottle of sesame oil and the Ajax floor cleaning liquid.
and did i tell you, i had happily forgotten i'd spilt oil on myself too up until the point when i was sadly eating my ill-fated porridge. i'd put my arm on my knee in my usual samsui-woman way when my arm began slipping off my knee. i thought i was just getting weak from lack of food or something so i propped it back again. only to have it promptly slip off again. it was then when i realised there was oil on my knee and i'd just effectively smeared oil all over my arm. well done Kelly.
back to my cleaning up. it took me several splashes of water and swipes of my mop across the floor to finally get the oil all off.
i decided to take a nice break before going to wash the plates and clothes that had oil and bathe and all. so came to my laptop and turned on iTunes and went online and all.
when i decided to start cleaning up again, i brought the plate to the by-now-dry-and-clean kitchen and put it in the sink. and turned the tap on.
and guess what?
you will SO not believe this, but there was NO WATER. no water! will you believe it??? just a pathetic trickle and then, nothing. i frantically ran around the house trying to turn on all the taps, and it was all the same!
i called dad again and he said he'd check with the guardhouse. and when he call back, what did he tell me? THE MAIN WATER PIPE HAD BURST.
yes, the fricking pipe just burst. BURST, i tell you! how dare the pipe burst when i need water so badly now, how DARE THE PIPE BURST??!?!!?!?!?
i could only make a strangled noise and sputter a bit when dad told me the news.
at this point, i think dad was trying not to laugh cos my day was turning out so horrifically, but he was like, "you know, it's not so bad lah. just wait it out, they're trying to repair it now."
and i was like "huh! but i have oil all over me and i need to bathe and there are a gazillion plates to wash and i need to wash the clothes that have oil on them and omg dad, how can the pipe burst????????"
and dad had the cheek to suggest i go use the water in the flush system to shower if i really insisted on showering.
i was like "what!" and he snorted and said "then you wait!" before putting down the phone.

ARGHTHEHOUSEISREVOLTINGAGAINSTMEHELPHELPHELPPPPPPPPPPP. i can't drink anything anymore cos i finished up the juice and anyway all i taste is bloody blood (sorry no pun intended i swear) and i daren't go shit even though my stomach's aching like crap (ahahah i promise no pun intended again) cos i'm scared there's not enough water to flush the toilet and i'll have shit swirling around in the toilet bowl if that happens.
i don't even dare to go pee cos i'm scared the pee'll bounce right off the toilet bowl or something cos i dunno, the bowl hates me or something. :(

i'm cold and thirsty but i can't get a blanket or anything cos of all the yucky oil on me!!!!!! i keep thinking i smell rubbish but then i realise it's me and i get even sadder.
what a perfectly horrible 4 hours of Friday this has been. next time i shall stay in bed even longer so less funny things can happen.
okay i mean, it's quite funny when you think back. but i'm not in the mood to laugh now.
supposed to go help clean the retreat house tomorrow for the YM retreat. omg i tell you, i have absolutely zero inclination to clean anything from now till i dunno, the year 2067. mops, brooms, pots and pans can just stay 100,000miles away from me, thankyou.

3:57 PM;

feeling rather accomplished. finished an article about rag day for ham in record time - just under half an hour i reckon. haven't typed so frantically in such a long time, since school ended and the tutorial rushes for sem1 were over.

so much readings to do already! shall have to start reading and absorbing soon. am determined this sem will go smoothly, and nothing's gonna come in my way of my cap 4-point-oh-something.

gonna play sims for a while now! haven't played in quite long cos i can't bear for my sims to become old and die. but i guess some'll have to die or my neighbourhood will become too big. thinking of buying the expansion packs after university but haven't been able to find the pirated versions. ohdear. i hope the police doesn't catch me. but well, no harm done anyway cos couldn't find. XD so yeah. prob have to borrow off someone or buy the real version.

been having gastric the whole day. think it's cos of the miniscule amounts of food i've been ingesting - lazy to chew since my gums ache everytime i try. my teeth still ache from the dinner attempt so i didn't manage to put much food into my stomach then. think i will have to go and try to ransack my fridge to see if there's anything i could possibly eat cos i don't want my gastric problem to deteriorate into a stomach ulcer problem. antacids are fine and well to neutralise the hydrochloric acid churning in my stomach, but it's definitely not a long term solution. argh acting up again. ouchouch. sucks to me.
for some strange reason i have a pain in my lower back that i suspect stems from gastric. i hope it's not gastric juice seepage into the intestines or whatever.
i suspect i might die from starvation next time cos of my sheer laziness to eat sometimes. it's not that i'm trying to diet or lose weight or any of that nonsense. i'm just too lazy to chew and swallow sometimes.

okay gonna grab a bite now. as i said, nothing's gonna stand in my way of my miraculous cap recovery this sem, and that includes my own body.
ooh wonderful bimbotic song playing on my iTunes now. Bombastic Love by Britney Spears. the title itself oozes bimbotic-ness already hah.

bimboticism power man.

12:55 AM;

ohhhhh my mother is gonna kill me when she gets home.

groan&moan.

i wish mom and dad'll hurry up and come home so i can quit worrying. why did i forget my phone this morning arghh.

8:17 PM;

removed my stitches today! glad to be rid of the black things.

had another random thought while on the train dozing off.

how do you know when you've stopped liking someone?
when he messages you/calls you/says hello and you don't care. ALSO. when he doesn't message you/call you/say hello and you don't give a damn. when you see him online and you don't even realise it until he messages you - shows that you've stopped caring.

how do you know when you haven't stopped liking someone?
when he messages you/calls you/says hello and your heart skips several beats and you start grinning like a total idiot. ALSO. when he doesn't message you/call you/say hello and you feel like the lousiest crap on earth. and when you see him online and you wait and wait for him to message you - it shows that you haven't stopped caring one bit.

when does like begin and end? and how does like begin and end? what is like anyway? it's not quite love but it's not quite oh-hello-you-exist-and-i-think-you're-a-decent-human-being also. what do you call something that's not like, but not quite sheer indifference either? just plain i-care-for-you or maybe there isn't a word for it cos it's not possible to pinpoint such a weird feeling? what's something that's not hate but not quite sheer indifference either? just plain i-care-for-you-and-i-hope-life-isn't-going-well-for-you?

to end off on a totally off-tangent note, soci readings for the week are the boringest thing on earth. i thought soci'd be fun, i still hope it'll be fun, but today while i was reading the course pack, i was just struggling to keep my eyes focussed on the page.
paragraph after paragraph of words phrased so bloody pompously. you'd think that people would have better things to write about, but noooooooo.
think i would've been better off taking philosophy.

2:24 PM;

okay you know what? whatever, i can live with this. save it.

4:40 PM;

i think relationships between people are an interesting thing to look at.
some people just click better with certain people, while some people just annoy the hell out of others.
i may be the sweetest thing on earth to someone but the most annoying piece of shit to another, all at the same time. and it's not me that's different - it's the way the other person perceives me that's different. how else can you explain how 99% of the population think that i'm a certain way while the remaining 1% of the population thinks otherwise vehemently?

no, perceptions are a dangerous thing. if i perceive you to be an angel based on what you do/say, it does not necessarily mean that everyone else processes your actions the same way and think you're an angel too.

so i say, take those glasses off and see people for who they really are, and not just base your perceptions on previous prejudices.
people will seem that much nicer when you manage to do that.

inexplicable, how i allow my thoughts to run amok and i lose sight of them.

4:08 PM;

cooked my own lunch today!
reheated the food in the fridge, more like. hah. but considering that i don't own a microwave at home - since mom is convinced it'll radiate our brains to crisp if we so much as go within 2m of its proximity - it's a feat!

woke up early this morning considering the fact that i only fell asleep at 4plus last night.
for some reason i kept dreaming i was going to Canada with dad and Carol for a 2-day holiday. and i dreamt i was stuck in a class full of 12-year-olds who all thought i was in the wrong place.
woke up at 12 with an ache in my jaw and the comforter thrown off me.

a thought gripped me last night as i was falling asleep.
it seems that our lives seem so much more our own when we have rooms and possessions to call 'my own'.
ugh it seems so shallow and materialistic when i put it this way, but when i thought of it last night it seemed quite Eureka-ish.

the last few nights have seen me sleeping in my mom's room until last night when i moved back to my own bed. and my sense of me immediately came back to me, and this sense of me included all my aspirations, problems and feelings.
previously when i'd been sleeping in my mother's room, i didn't really feel like i was me. i just felt like my mother's child, without a care in the world as i slept afternoons away in the darkened, cool room. surrounded by piles and piles of fluffy, downy pillows and with the fan blowing cool air serenely at my face.

but last night in my own bed, as i wrote in my diary, the sense of carelessness towards the world had dissipated and i was awash in my own frustrations once more.
i was trying to put a name to something i felt, but to no avail. do you have any idea how pissifying that is? to be unable to call a pink spoon a pink spoon cos firstly, the pink isn't exactly pink, it could be mistaken as red, and secondly, the spoon isn't purely a spoon - it's a spoon with fork-like properties. so you can't call it a pink spoon. neither can you call it a red fork. it's just what it is.
when you can't disentangle the ropes of emotions from each other and classify sadness as sadness and happiness as happiness, contentment as contentment and disenchantment as disenchantment, like as like and dislike as dislike; nothing's quite so simple anymore. say sadness is blue string and happiness as red string, contentment is green string and disenchantment is yellow string, like is pink string and dislike is purple string - if all the strings got tangled up in each other and you can't separate the blues from the pinks or yellows from the reds, you just feel like taking a scissors and cutting the knots all out.
of course, you'd be left with bits of cut string all over the place after all's been cut and undone, but that isn't the right way to untangle string is it?
a healthy dose of patience to undo all the knots is required and advised for.

enough analogies for the hour i say. the weather looks good to snuggle in bed and sleep.
i think i shall drink an extra-sweet cup of Ribena then retire to my comfy bed with my baby pillow in hand. :)

4:07 PM;

it's been 3 days since i had my wisdom teeth op!

it's been 3 days, no, 4 days, since i last ate something hard and relatively warm.
it's been 3 days since i've tasted blood on my tongue cos the stitches haven't healed yet.
it's been 3 days since i started to thank God wholeheartedly that i still have my sense of taste intact, and that i can still close my mouth.
it's been 3 days since i've been taking painkillers 3 times a day to take the pain of the wounds away.
it's been 3 days since i've been sleeping more than 12 hours each day cos hey, your body's supposed to recover faster with more sleep after all.

and since we're onto counting days and weeks and months and years now, do you know that it's about 3 years before i start to work?
3 years before i have to start contributing to my family's income.
3 years before i leave school and face yucky working life.
a year before i hit the big 2-0,
11 years before i hit the even bigger 3-0.
11 years to get married cos i want to have more than one kid and i don't want to be too old a mother or i'll miss out on my grandchildren's childhoods.

though i am sick of eating nothing but liquid food and baby oats, i am glad i can taste the butter in my porridge, glad i can taste the honey my mother puts into my oats and the chocolatey milo my father makes with brown rice, glad i can feel my tongue when i get up in the mornings, glad i can feel the jagged stitches at the back of my mouth when i run my tongue round my mouth, glad i can taste the irony blood as my gums bleed, glad i can feel the throbbing hurt in my jaw when i get up in the mornings, the effects of the painkillers gone.

so many things could've gone wrong during the op; the surgeon warned me that i might lose my sense of taste temporarily if he accidentally brushed the nerve in my lower jaw during the op. happily enough, my sense of taste hasn't deserted me the slightest bit.

i was scared stiff lying on the operating table. i didn't know if i would ever wake up again, didn't know if i would wake up to a bland world where my mouth was numb and cannot close, didn't know if i would feel the pain as the surgeon sawed through my jaw and pulled out the embedded teeth. so many thoughts running through my mind, and all i could do was entrust everything to God and pray as i freewheeled into unconsciousness as the anaesthetic took over my mind. and the next thing i heard was the sound of a baby wailing somewhere far in the distance. i felt the familiar prickle of irritation (my low tolerance for kids kicking in) and felt thoroughly glad to be alive to feel annoyed.

sigh the last few days have seen me lying in bed a lot and thinking a lot about nothing in particular again. my mind always hurtling at breakneck speed into nowhere and leaving me unrested when i get up cos it seems that it's been processing stuff the entire night.

i wish i didn't think so much about nothing, really. how can someone think about nothing, you wonder? simple, you just set your mind into thinking about something totally unfeasible and unrealistic, and very soon your thoughts will just start to freefall into something else and eventually become nothing.

i am going to sleep again soon. i do nothing but sleep these days. i think it's cos i'm scared i'll be awake when the effects of the painkillers wear away. i saw the stitches in my mouth the other day in the mirror and nearly fainted - the black stitches looked so fierce in the back of my mouth and i can feel the ulcers forming where the thread presses on the soft flesh of my mouth already. ugh.

1:38 AM;

spent the day at Chelsa's place today.
after being rudely awakened at 3pm with a tremendous shock. i have no idea how i slept till 3, seriously.

played bridge with her brothers, had her paint my nails and talked and talked and talked.

i dunno why we have so much to say. heh. but lately i've been talking damn a lot to her! spoke to her an hour ago also.
=D

bidding is driving me nuts. i don't know what to take, i think i've resorted to taking marketing cos every other thing i wanna take this sem has insanely high bid points. like, hello. spare a thought for poor first years who can't afford to throw in 2475 points for Christianity Studies. but if i take marketing i'm afraid it'll screw up my chances of doing a minor in biz. i was hoping to be able to minor in biz with level 2000 and 3000 mno modules, but i don't seem to have enough U/Es or breadths or whatevers.

sheesh.

but i'm actually looking forward to next sem, will you believe it! i'll be doing modules like jap studies, sociology, political science and communications and new media; all excitingly interesting modules to my biz-weary ears.

medical check-up tomorrow at 330pm.
and op on Friday.

slightly scared.

gonna watch One Last Dance with Chels tomorrow night. Koko Maggie got me gala tickets to the premier screening at vivocity tomorrow night at 910pm. there'll even be this red carpet thingy at 830. i hope it won't be too crowded cos i wanna get good seats for the show. free seating, will you believe it.

okay should sleep soon. i've been looking at the nus website since putting down the phone with Chels earlier on. i'm worried about my uni future. i shouldn't float about anymore. i think i'm gonna settle on an intended major by the end of next sem so at least i won't be such an aimless bum floating around in life anymore. am looking to major in comm studies and new media. hmm see how it goes!

4:01 AM;

you get your fill to eat,
- but always keep that hunger.

whenever one door closes, i hope one more opens.

; i hope you dance.

3:31 AM;

nothing's changed since 2007 rolled by, and yet things are somehow subtly different.

i don't know the exact differences and changes that seemed to have gone by me, but i can feel it in me. God's working His magic in my life and i'm witnessing everything before my eyes. it's like you know the magician's gonna do something and you're tingling with anticipation at what he's gonna do, you just don't know when and what.

similarly, i suddenly feel like things are gonna be different somehow in my future. far or near, i don't know, but i know God has plans for me and i'd just be an idiot to not want to subscribe to His plans and do things my own stubborn way. since my rants a couple of days ago, i don't feel the need to rant or complain about my sucky life or so i thought it anymore.

the only thing i've been constantly thinking and sharing with people is that everything, and i mean everything, is gonna turn out more than alright in the end and that God knows exactly what i need and will give me what i need cos it's been said over and over that He wants us and me, to be happy people. then why all the not-so-nice things that's been happening, you might ask? it dawned on me one of the nights while i was doing some quiet time that what i want so badly at one point in time may not necessarily be what i need. and God knows it, so He doesn't give me what i want. even if i may think it's what i want most in the world and that i'll be the happiest person alive if i had it, God knows a million times better than me.

a father wouldn't give his own child a snake if the child asks for bread.

i know i've got a long long way to go in my faith journey but i know i'm on the way there. i have so much faith in what God is doing in my life now that whatever seemed like big, unsurmountable issues just barely two days ago now seem small and perfectly handle-able, because i know i'm not alone. these words are oft repeated and have been said by so many others, and yet i don't say them emptily this time.

love those who don't love you? not easy, definitely, but not impossible as i previously thought.

person who you're trying to love isn't making your task easier?
keep trying! heshe will come round eventually if you insist on loving himher. we all do need love in our lives, even the most hard-hearted. and love as in what the Paul's letter to the Corinthians say, and not boy-girl attraction-love kinda love.there's difference between them two when you look deeper.

trust in God? when the world seems to be going all wrong for you and everyone seems to be against you, it's hard to keep faith in God but always always fall back on the eight-hundred plus promises of God to love us and always be with us that's all over the bible. when God knows all the hairs on your head and knew your name even before you were born, you know He's serious about you. my parents can't even do that. i bet your boyfriend/girlfriend can't too.
i know in the deepest of my hearts that God wants the best for me, and always has. He's never once wished ill for me, even when it seemed that He did when i cried all those tears. those tears were just necessary for me to learn important lessons and grow.
it's true when they say that what won't kill you will only make you stronger. when you next face a similar situations, you'll be so much better equipped to deal with whatever. i don't mean to make this sound quite so technical and logical and efficient, but i hope you get my drift.

i've been sharing so much with so many different people over the weekend, it's been amazing. i can't help but think it's all part of God's plan for me, i didn't know sharing would ever have this effect on me. i spent the greater part of my life with the warped mentality (now i can look back and deem it warped) that i can deal with things by myself, and that if i don't talk about things they'll just disappear and leave me alone. i have been proved wrong on both counts, and it's thanks to the people i shared with over the weekend.

Chelsa my darling pal whom i love so so so so so much, you've made me see things in a different light and i'm so grateful you haven't given up on me and just screamed at me when you could have, so easily. and i'm sorry too, i didn't mean to. you know what i mean, so i needn't publicise. but what you said at the MRT station on Sunday really touched me when i got home and reflected on the day and i think what essentially happened was that my own hard heart got softened.

ohhhh i have so much more to say but i need to go clean up my room now. spent most of last night clearing out my cupboard, chucking out all my old clothes. filled up 5 bags full of unwanted clothes! it hit me then that i really have A LOT of clothes. mom says i have to stop buying new things. notice i say "mom says", and not "i think". i like shopping too much.

it hasn't been an easy year, the last 12 months. but i've never gone through so much in my entire life before and i daresay it's all made me grow up more than i would have if i stayed in my own protected, comfy world.


God's Promise
God didn't promise
days without pain,
laughter without sorrow
or sun without rain,
But God did promise
strength for the day,
comfort for the tears
and a light for the way.
And for all who believe
in His kingdom above
He answers their faith
with everlasting love.

funny how i found this on a little sign like thing to hang up on my table suddenly midway as i was typing this post. it's always been there, i just never paid attention to it. i'd always been looking at the mess on my table, the books, stationery, papers and jewellery strewn about everywhere.

just like how God's always been there, i just never paid attention to Him. i'd always been looking at the mess in my heart, the hurts i don't wanna give up, the pride and refusal to look beyond me, the memories i keep replaying in my head.

parallels among this world and that of God abound. sometimes you just gotta take a closer look at the messy picture.

5:27 PM;