i must remember where i save my pictures.
imagecave.com.
yep.

didn't go to school today.
beleagured by the shittified cramps.
3 whole days of lying in bed not doing anything cos of the dizziness in my head.
yucks.

right about now, i'm getting the feeling of impatience that i used to get back in the last few months spent in ij 2 years ago.
it's like a mixture of anticipation and apprehension, with a lot of excitement and dread too.
i think it's got to do with the notion that i'm gonna be moving on in life, not just stuck in time as schooldays always make me feel.
like how i can't wait to face the next chapter in my life cos i'm so sick of the current one.
it's a bit like how i was reading this book about star-crossed Isolde and Tristan the other day, how i just wanted to skip the chapter i was reading cos i couldn't bear to continue to read about the deception and lies, skip the chapter and get to the next one cos i knew that things would get better in the next one.
i guess life's a bit like that too.
say i'm stuck in a particularly nasty episode now with horrid twists and turns that make me sick to my stomach, and all i want to do is to flip over to the next chapter where i know that things can only get better, if only cos it's too bad to get any worse.
so yeah.
flip flip flip to page 200! turn the pages until the melodrama's all over!
wishful thinking.

i spent practically the whole day online doing absolutely nothing.
what a frightful waste of precious time.
i'm going to force myself away from the computer screen and sit myself at the desk for the next 2 hours for some solid studying.
sigh, then the tv calls tonight.
9pm Chinese show, Stairway to Heaven, America's Next Top Model
MediaCorp should seriously halt such good programming this close to the exams so that perfectly disciplined students like me won't be tempted away.

4:12 PM;

i don't know why i bother anymore, seriously. nothing seems to have changed on the outside but dig a little deeper in and you'll find that nothing's the same anymore.

5:35 PM;

i was watching the 9pm Chinese show yesterday when it suddenly hit me that i should blog or write in my diary as often as i can just for recording's sake.
cos like 60 years down the road when i'm old and forgetful, i might be afflicted with senile dementia or something, effectively wiping out my entire life's memories, both the horrible and sweet ones.
i wish dementia wouldn't be so indiscriminate in deleting my memories.
say i could control what i forget and what i don't.. that'd be marvellous!
but yeah, i'd wanna record my thoughts down now while i still can before it's too late to recall any aspect of my life.
a lot of the Chinese dramas on tv these days have these old-people type of characters suffering from some form of senile dementia.
must be the government trying to drum into us the message that we will be facing an ageing population in the near future.
i've been religiously following my drama serials on tv ever since the prelims!
and right now, Stairway to Heaven is my must-watch every Monday and Tuesday night.
it's such a tearjerker! even the background music is prone to inducing crying fits!
and even though i know that the whole turn of events could never realistically happen to me, i feel so emotional whenever i watch it! watching while Jingshu has completely no recollection of who she herself is and who Chengjun is just fricking frustrates me. my sister and i indulge in yelling fits at the tv screen on these 2 nights of the week when we get too frustrated with the whole drama bit.
but i swear okay, the music just makes me cry.
and seeing Chengjun cry makes me cry too.
but my sister, being the tremendously sensitive soul she is, labels him a leaking water tap.

it's math tutorial now, which means a free period for me!
i just spent my free period trying to register for UCAS, only to discover that i need to find Mr. Prince for the buzzword thing.
sigh. i'm so apprehensive about that. i'm afraid the teachers will all laugh uncontrollably at me if i tell them that i'm interested in applying to the UK. being the hugely wonderful model student i am, attaining perfect grades of straight Ds and Es.
yesyes, i'm brimming with self-confidence.
nevertheless, i'll just go look him up i guess.
i know i'll regret it for the rest of my life if i don't apply overseas just because i'm afraid that someone will laugh at my possibly unattainable dream. i think that my dream will only become truly unattainable the moment i stop believing that it's within my grasp.

1:34 PM;

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY AUDREY LOW!!!!!
i love you my dearest pal! and you're absolutely right: your birthdays should always be my personal wish-fulfilment days! haha.

i came online JUST to blog about my pal Dree's birthday today! cos she's so special to me, being one of my darling pals. :) without my pals, i don't think i could survive one day in the hellhole known as school!
ohh, and today's celebration was for Mich Wong too, whose birthday was during the September hols!
i must say, the birthday celebrations today were what really made my day. :)
i mean, i think i went to school today just so i could be part of the whole birthday celebration thing!
so i'll just hop right into it.
yeah.
Chelsa and i kicked off the whole business yesterday when we rushed down to Far East at 6plus to shop for their presents!
we even had some grand plan that involved me shopping for Dree's present and her shopping for Mich's present and us just buying whatever we thought would suit them on the spot so we could save time, and us calling each other to cross-check whether whatever we were buying would be fine. i was thinking, whoa, this is so professional man!
as we all know, the plan didn't materialise and we ended up shopping for the presents together.
which turned out pretty fun cos Chels and i saw some stuff that we wanted to buy!
so we decided to make a trip down to Far East again on Saturday to pick up whatever we saw yesterday.
moving rapidly along...
the Birthday Committee ensured the smooth transition into Phase 2 of Audrey and Michelle's Birthday Surprise this morning by having a hush-hush rendezvous in the canteen this morning to stow away the birthday cake at the drinks store before proceeding to NL3 to stash the 2 birthday bags in the class cupboard.
seriously man, today felt like some extended spy adventure cos Chels and i were discussing and modifying our plans to surprise both Dree and Mich, confirming with each other what we were supposed to do! and briefing our key players Noelle, Nartz and Cheryl about what they had to do, which was to lure them both away while Chels and i lit up all the candles and brought the presents out.
and there was even an almost-oops moment! when Chels was carrying the cake towards the voiddeck, we suddenly saw the missing Dree (who Cheryl lost) down the end of the helikon corridor.
and i stopped right in my tracks, causing Chels to exclaim:
"what are you doing Kel? stopping right in the middle of nowhere.. i almost bumped into you! hurry, move!"
and i was frantically pointing at Dree and flapping my arms.
then Chels and i and Maria and Nartz scooted over to the wall and hid behind, Chels and i both muttering "shit man" simultaneously under our breaths.
Nartz went over to Dree and got her to stop where Mich and the rest were gathered, then started talking to Dree facing the opposite direction.
Chels Maria and i were like alright man, this is our opportunity!
then i ran over to wherever they were and Chels shuffled as quickly as she could while trying to shield the cake candles from being blown out.
by the time Mich and Dree were surprised, only 4 candles were still lit up.

after cutting the cake and eating it all up (which was Nutella flavoured and absolutely scrumptious, by the way), Dree, Cheryl, Chels and i headed to Holland Village for Dree's birthday lunch!
we tried out this great great place called Essential Brew (i think!) where ALL the food was cooked in tea!
delish man.
we shared a plate of grilled dory with oolong sauce which i LOVED. and honey chicken and calamari too, i think.
the place has great ambience!! wonderful place to study.
we were all thinking of going there on Sunday to study and drink some tea!

mmm. i enjoyed today thoroughly! even the train ride home with Chelsa was quiteeee interesting!
and today's post will be in retro colours all for Dree's sake! :)
today was a lovely lovely day.

8:22 PM;

oh bloody hell. why do i keep doing this to myself? the mental torture and all.
i must be crazy.
i shouldn't be living my life through my phone, shouldn't be living all my life in some deluded dream - wonderful dream that it may be, shouldn't be living my life waiting for something that could never come, shouldn't be living and wasting my life caught up in my own overwhelming bouts of depression and fits of irrational jealousy.
what i should be doing is grabbing whatever opportunity comes my way, should be smiling as often as i can 'cause as Chelsa said, "You never know who's admiring your smile!", should be looking ahead and forward to the realistic future, should be appreciating the wonderful people i have around me right now, should be loving them all and be grateful for the blessings i've been given.
but all those, i cannot seem to do consistently because i end up indulging in all the things i shouldn't be doing, even though i tell myself persistently that it's all wrong, it's plain stupid.
how a logical, rational creature like me can be so irrationally ruled by all that doesn't make sense is beyond me. i mean, i have a brain don't i? and my brain has the capacity to think, doesn't it? so why can't i, you know, just think about and concentrate on doing what i know is right?
bah, i annoy myself so often that i may just hate me sometimes.

Friendster is giving me a crapload of problems. i can't reply to my messages cos it's taking a hell of a long time to load.
maybe it's a sign that i should sign off the school computer, stop wasting my time and go do something productive.
but i have a very important message that i wanna reply to NOW.
though why i feel the impulse to reply right here and now, i don't know.
as i said, i'm a creature highly ruled by impulse. i'd prefer my brain to have full control over my actions once in a while, but that seems like such a rare occurence nowadays.
and technology hates me. Friendster just WIPED OUT my entire reply and my home printer isn't working. which is why i'm here in the library in the first place - to print out some lit sample questions from the intranet.
okay. now that i can compose my message.
i don't know what to say. everything i type seems to look so fricking retarded to me.

whatever man, i'm getting out of this place for now.

a question that's been bugging me:
so, did the mouse do it? or didn't it? or was it the pair of sunglasses?
cryptic questions never fail to keep me occupied.

11:04 AM;

I'M SO ANNOYED!!!
shit man i'm so fricking annoyed. my brain's all in a muddle and i don't know what's happening.
this's probably a line that i've repeated a MILLION times, but it still holds true for me.
i'm still struggling to untangle the mess inside and throw out all the emotional baggage but it's taking such a long time. why, i really don't know.
and every now and then, i'll stop whatever i'm doing and ask myself, am i finally over all this shit?
but no straightfoward answer ever strikes me.
sigh. whatever man. if i kept going on about how damn lost i am, i would never get round to doing anything else.
and now.. and now... ARGH, and now i don't know still!
eloquence has never been my forte.
today made me even more confused, if that's even possible now.
ALRIGHT ALREADY, enough about me walking circles in my own head!
oh dear, i sound positively schizophrenic.

anyway, we got our brand new post-prelim timetable today!
which was quite good, considering the fact that i'm in a 4-sub class.
so. according to my timetable, the latest i get to go home on any one day of the week would be 150pm!
which is really very good, since i used to get off school at about 3 plus pre-prelims.
but factor in the seemingly non-compulsory lit writing practises at 4pm every Tuesday and Thursday and my 150pm week has become nothing but a sad delusion.
because even though these are non-compulsory officially, they are probably compulsory non-officially, for lack of a better way to put it.
how disappointing that i can't get home early anymore.

5:01 PM;