Okay I really really don't feel like moving into hall anymore.
I'm not even there yet but I already miss my room so much. :(
I miss my mess, my bed, the animals on my bed, my wardrobe, my toilet.
And I'm bringing one gigantic luggage worth of clothes tomorrow PLUS two sports bags. They're all bursting and I'm wondering what I put in now.
I haven't even packed my shoes. Die lah. I don't know how.

People are gonna think I'm crazy with the sheer amount of stuff I'm bringing. But I want as much of my familiar material comforts with me as possible so I won't miss home so much.

I know hall's gonna be fun and all, but at the moment I just want tonight to never end and tomorrow to never come.

1:58 AM;

Met Jas for lunch at Pastamania and had a goooood catch-up with her today!
Then catched Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest with Tri after that.

I am in love with Johnny Depp. The man is so gorgeous that he manages to make a dirty, hygiencally atrocious, pirate who walks on perpetual tippy-toes look desirable, even slightly hot.

Yes, a pirate's life for me - if that means sailing on Captain Jack Sparrow's ship.

1:38 AM;

Met Chels today again! Heh I've been seeing her awfully frequently lately, it's quite funny. Especially when I think about all the months I'll be spending with her in hall!
Ha it seems that the more time we spend together, the more twinnish we become. In the next few months our lives are gonna be running incredibly similarly, what with hall life in Kent Ridge, business school and now even ZJ! :)

I've been itching to play Final Fantasy VIII again, for some strange reason.
I think I need a dose of fantasy before my life becomes too drab and tear-inducingly boring when school term begins.
I miss my bumming days already, and school hasn't even started yet.
Just thinking about moving into hall and going through orientation makes me a teensy bit upset because I'm loving my life right now. I love having so much time for myself. Allows me to pay a little more attention to my well-being and take better care of me.
Sighhhh.
I feel like I haven't bummed enough, somehow.
Haven't loafed around enough as neither a student nor an employee, with all the time in the world in my hands, with nary a worry about my timetable beyond where I'm going out with a girl pal the next day or how I'm going to find enough money to buy that gorgeous skirt from wherever.

Somehow, I feel like I'm never gonna get such a deliciously long and carefree break again in my entire life - until the day I retire.

It's funny isn't it, how time really zooms by when you're enjoying yourself? It's already end of July, more than half the year's gone. And it still feels like A-Levels just ended last month. I had so many things I'd wanted to do after the As. I'd wanted to play my ps2 games until I got sick of them, clean up my room and finally throw out my PSLE assessment books, go cycling with Trina and let the gentle waves tickle my toes as we stand on the beach and watch the sea.

I guess there're many many things people wanna do in life, but never get to do because there're only 24 hours in a day and 365 days a year. Life's so transient, so short. It's quite scary. Just taking this long vacation as a microscopic view of life shows me that.

If I could live my life all over again, I'd have applied for the SPH scholarship and gotten an internship with The Straits Times or Cleo or some other magazine so I'd be one step closer to fulfilling my girlhood dream of being a writer and not twenty steps too far.
I'd have worked harder in school so I wouldn't have gotten out with just one A and two Bs - just falling short of exellence again.
I'd have spent more time with people I love to show them just that, that I'm not a lousy friend, that I care so much.
I'd have thought out my words more carefully because I've come to realise that carelessly said words can scar, not just others but myself too.

There're already so many things I've done that I would choose to redo if I could turn back the clock, and just imagine! - I'm only barely 19! Imagine this list of regrets when I'm old and grey, a stooped old lady of 75. I daren't.

Okay anyway. Enough musing! I've got work to do tonight. Gotta clear up some more of my room before moving into hall this Sunday. My mother won't let me go in peace until she's satisfied with the state of my room. Hmm I wonder how I'm ever gonna go then, cos there're 7 years worth of things stuffed in strange corners of the shelves and under the cupboards!

And there's still packing to do! Clothes, toiletries, pillows, linen and a dustbin are among the list of items I have to pack to move to my room.

After so many months of wishing I could hurry up and move out of my house into hall, now that moving-in-day's just within my sight, I suddenly don't wanna budge from my home at all anymore. You can't imagine how strange it is to swing from an eagerness to leave home to a desperate feeling of wanting to stay at home.
It is rather strange.

9:48 PM;

Yucks diarrhoea is the pits.
I wonder what I ate that did me in. I think it was a combination of barbequed food, red wine and insufficient sleep that's causing my tummy to make weird squelchy noises every 15 minutes.
Went to Daniel's place for his and Joel's birthday get-together thing!
I skewered kebabs for the first time in my entire life yesterday.
I also barbequed food instead of just chomping away happily on prepared food for the first time yesterday.
So it seems like yesterday was a day of a few firsts!

I suck at Text Twist alone. I need my pal to play with me!
I can never never get the six letter word. Argh.

Anyway. I want to get the pics for the last few weeks from the various people who have them! The sleepover Tri and I had, the sleepover with Chels, last night's dinner..
And speaking of pics. My dad's FINALLY gonna get a digicam! I think!
It's about time, I say.

Argh. My stomach's making gurgling noises again, a la Dory in Finding Nemo.
If I listen carefully enough to the noises my tummy's making, I can almost imagine that it's whalish in nature.
I made a new best friend with black pills today. The power of black again!
Thank goodness for charcoal pills.
Seems like I've been popping a gazillion different types of pills lately.

1:28 PM;

Let me tell you about the wonders of my pink pill.
It's not healthy to take it too often, but it's magical I swear.


Say hello to Panadol Menstrual.




She's hot pink and a cramped-up girl's best friend.
I feel like shit, literally. Ugh. Females are so RAGH. I'm so grossed out.


The last 2 weeks have been absolutely fantastic. Spent the bulk of last week with Trina and the bulk of this week with Chelsa. Had multiple stay-overs! I'll blog more abt that some other time when I'm in an appropriately cheery mood.

Right now I just want to kill somebody. My stomach is killing me.
Argh. And I still have town-dates today. Plus the powerpoint slides I happily volunteered to edit last night. Sometimes Kelly, I swear you're the silliest girl around.
I shouldn't have volunteered to do them!
Wail. I want to puke.

12:16 PM;

Love can be a many splendoured thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool you every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Kelly Clarkson





it's a bit like this pin cushion in the shape of a heart - so pretty but prickly inside because of all the pins stabbing it.

12:09 PM;

I AM REALLY UPSET COS THE POLISH ON MY TOE NAILS HAVE STARTED CHIPPING!!!

Argh. I should've put on the base coat and top coat when I was doing my nails last night. Didn't realise the importance of those until a guy told me. Can you believe it?

I couldn't.

Anyway. Just got back from Trina's place! Haven't chilled out at her place in eons. I raided her fridge and ate damn a lot of chocolate. After finding out that Union Camp was already full, we entertained ourselves pretty well with youtube.com and something joga.com (a football video site). Then played one of our favourite boardgames - I forgot the name of the game but it involves setting goals in life in terms of happiness, fame and money points, and gaining these by choosing different careers. We were so unlucky! Kept doling out money to the bank. And when we realised half-way that we were only supposed to be playing with one die in the career spaces, we just hecked it and restarted the game.

I've missed her so so so so so much! In the weeks that we weren't in touch, I felt so strange. Like some part of me was missing; I just couldn't figure out what. Sometimes at night just before I slept, a sudden thought of "I wonder what Trina's been up to these days?" would creep into my mind, and I'd comfort myself with promises that I'd contact her the very next day - but when tomorrow came I'd have forgotten because of all the activities filling up my day.

I'm so glad we're back together again! Life just wasn't the same without her, activity-filled as it may have been. I never realised how much a part of me she'd become until after those 3 weeks we had practically zero contact.




You know how much I love you Tri dear! You're the sister I chose to have and I'm choosing to keep for life.
*all this in green cos i know how much you love green. :)



We've got wonderful girl plans the whole of next week! Ha. We made them in place of Union Camp - which we'd wanted to go for but is already full. So we rolled out plans for the entire week next week. Our very own camp. Heh. From 10-13 July!

Sleepover at Tri's place on Monday and Tuesday nights, and then at my place on Wednesday (depending on what time I get home from Welfare Night) and Thursday nights. Highlights of our programme include a Harry Potter movie marathon, catching Superman and window shopping in town, going to East Coast to cycle and for a seafood dinner, a visit to the zoo, and endless nights of scrabble, monopoly and girl chatter!

Like the Union Camp, this camp is already FULL so interested applicants will be put on the waiting list.

Heh. Alright. I'm starting to talk crap. But I'm really very excited about the upcoming week!
Plus, I've been taking steps to put my life in order again, tying up all the loose ends and closing drafty windows. I'm still in the midst of clearing out the cobwebs from my ceiling, but while starting the cleaning was difficult, now I'm really glad I did. I've decided that I have to write letters to 3 people in this process - all for different reasons but all as important.

Today was a good day in all aspects. Met Dree and Chels for lunch at J8 and window shopped for a bit after that before coming home and sleeping all the way till 8pm. I love my girlfriends.


Men have feelings too...
But who really cares?

The words on the wonderfully feministic keychain Trina gave me.
I may be past the "eeeeww, boys are so gross" stage and age, but I still do find plenty of truth when chick-lit authors write in varying words and styles: that if men didn't exist, women would probably be a happier bunch.

1:53 AM;

Tonight's the first time since the World Cup started that I'm staying up to watch a game at home!

France vs Portugal.

None of whom I actually support (England and Spain, sometimes).
But it's exciting to actually be part of this whole soccer fever that happens once every 4 years, if only it's just to stay up and catch a game live, here in my cozy corner of the world in Singapore.

I like the colour of the Portuguese jersey.
I need food. My tummy's growling.

3:07 AM;

I'd almost forgotten the feeling of literally vegetating at home.
I quite like it, actually! Today was a vegetating day. Got up at 12.30 for lunch cos mom kept coming in to get me to eat breakfast. Then tidied up my desk a bit after lunch cos I couldn't find space to move my mouse on the table anymore.

And have been playing Sims2 University since!
I'm quite addicted to it, although it's ridiculously difficult to balance the Sim-in-university's life. I have to make sure she doesn't fail by making sure she does her assignments every night, get enough friends, try to get her into some secret society thing, let her fall in love, build up her skill level. It's insane! And I'm loving it! Mindless gaming does take one's mind off things.

Singapore Idol tonight! Better still, Project Runway tonight!
Life has never been more relaxed.
I'm moving into hall on 30th July. I've got another month to just enjoy away at home.

I need to get Sims2 Nightlife and Open for Business before term begins.

4:45 PM;

In an attempt to try to sharpen my brain for school before the term begins, I've decided to read more. A lot more.
And the library's promotion of doubling the borrowing limit reinforces my plan!
I've come up with a list of books I aim to finish within the next 2 weeks:

Kelly's to-read list:
1. She Is Me by Cathleen Schine
2. White Ghost Girls by Alice Greenway
3. The Water Horse by Julia Gregson
4. The Ill-Made Mute by Cecelia Dart-Thornton
5. A Kiss from Maddalena by Christopher Castellani
6. Man and Boy by Tony Parsons



Anyways. That aside. I realised only today that the Great Singapore Sale has already begun in full swing and... I HAVEN'T SHOPPED AT ALL SINCE.
I was utterly horrified when I realised today! All the discounts I've been missing out on!
Met Leon for lunch today cos he had stuff from Khin to pass me.
Hand-delivered from the USA!
She'd knitted/made this sling bag for me which I loveeeee cos it's pink!
And the best thing I found was the letter inside. Oh gosh, when I saw her familiar cursive handwriting, I realised that I really do miss her a whole whole lot.
So anyway, reading her letter just strengthened my resolve to write her back asap!
E-mailing is quick and more convenient.. But snail mail has the personal touch that only comes out of seeing your friend's handwriting again.
So much time has passed since she left Singapore!
So much has happened, so much has changed too.
And yet, in spite of all the changes around me, nothing has really changed for me. I'm still quite the same old girl with the same insecurities and whimsical dreams. Except that those same whimsical dreams, while they still exist, have been tampered down by less-than-romantic happenings in real life.
I guess this is how cynics are made.

My mother actually gave me money to buy things today. I know that sounds quite hard to believe, but she really did!
Cos I've been whining about my Elizabeth Arden scent running out for the last 2 weeks. I think she's gotten so sick of my incessant sighs and moans about my perfume running out that she thought it'd be the lesser of the two evils to just give me the money to replace it and shut me up.
But seriously, perfumes are such high-value items!
The average price of a bottle of perfume is $65. That's Sasa's pricing, which I think is already a fair bit lower than that at the department stores - which is where I'd normally buy my scents because for some reason or the other, perfume from Sasa smells different.
Elizabeth Arden's Green Tea, which I'm currently using, smells weird at Sasa.
Ralph Lauren's Glamorous, which I used in the past, smells weird too. Plus, it's been discontinued at Isetan for the last few years already.
So I don't really know what gives!

I'm really proud of myself because I managed to get a pretty top from Yin & Yang for only 8 dollars!
That was after I'd walked into Mango (tempting 50% sales going on there now) and Topshop (not much sales action).
But what I reallyreallyreallyreally want now.. is a new pair of shoes.
Or a FEW new pairs, rather.
I want a pair of heels, a pair of Birkenstocks and a pair of ballet flats.
That makes 3!
Argh. I need my tuition money asap.
Which reminds me. I gotta reschedule this weekend's tuition cos of a whole-day retreat at the SPI.
I hope tomorrow's tuition is still on. I'm getting really desperate for cash now.
The Great Singapore Sale isn't gonna wait for me!

The song Pu Tong Peng You by David Tao has been playing repeatedly in my head today.
If I could type in Chinese here, I'd type out the lyrics to the song cos this is what I call a serious case of ear worm.

dan ni shuo:I only want to be your friend
zuo ge peng you
wo zai, ni xin zhong zhi shi just a friend
bu shi qing ren
wo gan ji ni dui wo zhe yang de tan bai
dan wo gei ni de ai zan shi shou, bu hui lai
so I - wo bu neng zhi shi be your friend
I just can't be your friend


Ohwell. Han yu pin ying just doesn't quite have the same effect cos it just looks like a mess of letters that don't mean anything.
You see, this is exactly what I would think if I were thinking purely in a secular context.
But what would be the Christ-like thing to do?
It would be to love everybody even if it's damn hard to do. Love everybody, meaning not cut all contact and say "I can't be your friend anymore". Which I think would have been an easier way to just end this whole thing here and now.
But since I can't do anything of this sort, I'm just gonna shelf that thought here. A bit like unloading excess garbage.
See, no more emotional outbursts!
I even managed to be brave enough to go to church today for evening Mass even though I was dreading it. But I went because I really wanted to give that 45 minutes to God today.
So I dragged my two feet to church and hey! -it wasn't so bad after all.
Because I shouldn't be staying away from church for such a silly reason. The only thing that's been potentially hurt is my pride, so no harm done actually.
I was toying with the idea of going to Novena for Mass instead. But then I decided to just go to IHM as usual and quit running away from everything.

World Cup match tonight!
I'm thinking of staying up because Germany's playing.
We'll see if I can entertain myself till 3am.

9:27 PM;

Say hello to an all-new Kelly.
No more emo ramblings and fits of depression!
She is now 43% tougher and 67% less prone to cry.
(percentages gleaned from laboratory experiments. - like Colgate or Dynamo)
She is now walking away from everything that has crumbled around her.
It'll take time, granted. But hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. Heck, it wasn't even built in a week or two.
The new Kelly is all sugar and spice and everything nice. She will no longer try to be the nasty pip-squeak she once was to annoy the heck out of people for certain reasons.
She no longer cares about how vulnerable she may appear because we're all pretty vulnerable as human beings. She's just more honest with herself than some other people.
Say hello to a girl on the brink of a whole new chapter of her life.
No judgements were passed, so she's moving on.
It's not all her fault, really! She's just gotta keep reminding herself on that.
And no one knows what's gonna happen in the future. A cliche that's so oversaid and so overused, but so overly true too.
And so, Kelly is back. And she's gonna kick some boy-ass with a flutter of her eyelashes.
Haha! Go on, laugh - cos she's getting a good laugh out of typing this in.

11:56 PM;

What Are Heavy?


What are heavy? sea-sand and sorrow:



What are brief? today and tomorrow:



What are frail? Spring blossoms and youth:



What are deep? the ocean and truth.




CHRISTINA ROSSETTI

5:27 PM;

Tomorrow night finally became tonight.
Everything's out in the open, and yet nothing's changed.
If anything, talking just made me a hundred million times more vulnerable and confused about what to do.
At least before all this, I could you know, maybe attempt to pretend everything away.
I'm so.. so.. sigh. I don't know what I am anymore.
I was hoping that talking about it all would bring me back to my senses and help shake me out of this weird stagnation. But it's just made me feel more helpless cos now, I have no idea what I should do next.
I'm so tired.
I was so tired today even though I slept till 1pm.
I think it's an exhaustion that's not purely physical but instead springs from my mental and emotional imbalance too.
I know no judgements were passed, but I judged myself and the verdict was none too good.
I'm not being too hard on myself, I reckon. I've been too easy on me already - I need to be harder.
And I'm so ARGH because the resolution I'd expected didn't materialise. I'd wanted to be scorned at, laughed at, whatever, - so I'd be jolted out of my silliness once and for all.
I so badly wanted to hear "It's never gonna happen."
But I heard none of that!
And I'm still mired where I was two nights before.
So talking didn't solve anything - it just made everything all the more real and more impossible for me to hide away from.
I think it's cruel, how everything's turned out.
Even my intention of minimising interaction failed miserably because of circumstances which force interaction quite frequently.
It's hard to think of all this as God's plan for me, that He's allowing me to suffer so much pain right now because He loves me. I'm so torn!
All I want to do is stay far far away because if I didn't, I might lose it and hit someone.
I was trying to blank out all the depression on my way to church this afternoon, when even my attempt to do that was thwarted. Because this song started playing over the radio in dad's car:
____ you're a star in the face of the sky.
When I realised what was playing, I just thought to myself bloody hell.

SYD rally BBQ at SFX just now.
Being around so many people was kinda hard because I just didn't feel like talking to anyone about anything.
I haven't felt like talking since getting home last night.
Last night was a turning point for me, but I don't know if it's for the better. Because right now, things are shaping up in a weird way, I can't decide whether it's improving or not.
I'm glad last night happened, and yet I also half-wish last night never happened.
Because now, everything's just become a lot realer. I can't pretend it all away anymore.
And I feel like crying so badly - and yet the tears won't come. It's such a bad feeling, feeling that I want to cry to release some of the hurt inside, but the hurt's so deep that crying doesn't even cut it anymore. It's a pain that's beyond tears, beyond anger. It's paralyzing me and making me so numb, so indifferent to everything.


It's weird, when love and hate collide.
The two are opposites, and yet sometimes, they merge right into each other.


sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to say the meanest words
sometimes the most cruel thing you can do is to be nice
sometimes the most painful pain is the feeling of nothing

11:12 PM;