i always have these "omg, i love mno" moments whenever i do my readings. (okay Yisi, i know you're gonna think i belong in the loony bin right about now.)

good questions never die. it is only our attention that dies to them... good questions expand flirtatiously along the boundaries and surfaces of the present. we can only work, love, and question in the present. can we remain present to the present, even as our hearts remember the past, our minds roam the future, and our bodies fall toward sleep?

this pretty much encapsulates what i feel about my questioning mind. sometimes i want to knock myself out silly because my mind's so bloody active, too lively even as it hides behind a pair of perpetually sleepy eyes on my face.

i've never found answers to the big questions in my life. i've always tussled with them for a while, chewed on the ends, and then toss it aside when a new question-love grows. but the questions never died, it was just my interest that was lost.




OKAY BACK TO MNO.
I NEED SOME DISCIPLINE, DAMMIT.

12:35 AM;

one bad paper allows one to scream and yell in expletives one would never otherwise use in one's staid and boring life. one bad paper calls for the drowning of one's sorrows in sweet, sinful things and the incessant whining and declarations that the world is going to end.

a second consecutive bad paper just doesn't warrant any of that anymore. the world isn't gonna end, no more expletives left to throw out on whim.

just.. a sinking feeling that one is going to fail the semester because 3 A+s aren't gonna save one's sorry ass, IF an A+ was even in one's grasp in the first place.

today's bus conversation with Dee, Yisi and Chels was quite thought provoking.
do i believe in my one and only soulmate?
i think once upon a deluded time, i did. and i would like to. but then how would it even be remotely possible to find the One And Only For Me in Singapore, tiny little Singapore barely even a hundredth of the global population? therefore i say, perhaps my One and Only is a hot dude in some unpronouncable country, just that he's pretty much undiscovered to me for now.
and then i thought, what if i lived out my life thinking i was gonna eventually find someone right for me to spend the rest of my life with, only to realise at 30 that it's probably never gonna happen? what does one do when one realises something as life-altering as that? does one decide to enter the life of a religious sister? or does one take to travelling the world because after all, the world is my oyster and i am its pearl. does one turn to dating websites in a desperate effort to try to ditch one's undesirable 'left on the shelf' status?

loneliness is a scary concept that i probably wouldn't be able to deal with, for all my self-sufficiency and need for alone time. if i had so much alone time on my hands, i'd be wanting to convert some of it to time with someone else.

anyway. am reading Man and Boy by Tony Parsons now. funny how i started reading again when the exams began. i think i wasted a lot of my sem away, whiling my time away doing totally not productive things. i should've been reading, dammit. at least if i don't have a wonderful rosy love life in real life, i could've been cooing over someone else's wonderful rosy love life among the pages of my paperbacks.
and a thought occured to me as i was in bed reading this afternoon.
people sound so much sexier and nicer on print. the descriptives of ordinary female characters in books always make them sound like gorgeouser-than-thou goddesses or starlets.

brown hair is never just brown; it's chocolate silk.
black hair isn't ever just black; it's jet black and midnight sky.
blue eyes aren't ever just blue; they're tiffany blue, just like his mother's.
and nice skin isn't ever just nice; it's pearly, translucent and white milk.

like hello. i'd love to be described in a book, just for once. i wonder how the author would beautify me into someone completely dreamy and unrecognisable.

7:26 PM;

OMG econs paper just now was shitass difficult. i can't even talk about it in terms of doing well, it's how bad i'll fail, that's all.

bloody hell, spent so much time studying econs the last weekend too. all the questions were somewhat like the homework questions. i should've just copied the solutions right over, i would've aced the exam. and i spent the better part of yesterday on my back at home with the worst bout of cramps i'd had in a long time. nearly fainted cos it was so damn painful, i felt like i was gonna give birth or something. i could count the contractions and the intervals in between the intermittent super painful contractions. i frightened myself when i looked into the mirror, my lips were completely white and i was breaking out in cold sweat. and i felt so faint, it was scary. so i spent the whole day in my mom's room with the curtains drawn and a blanket up to my chin, wanting to cry but not wanting to even though i was all alone and no one was gonna see me bawl. but i knew if i did, i'd not stop for a long time, so i just bit my lip, clamped my eyes shut and tried to sleep. bad day yesterday, really. haven't felt so horrible in such a long time.

frick lah, now i don't even know what to do. the paper was the horriblest ever i've done, nothing even comes close. the 6 of us who found it not-quite-easy - Chels, Yisi, Mel, Dee and Rachel - went to Munchy Monkey for dinner to drown our sorrows in chocolate sauce and creamy pasta.

stats tomorrow and i haven't gotten my cheatsheet out yet. argh screw this sem and December just hurry up and come. by the time 6pm had come, i was ready to throw up my hands and just leave hopeless as it was, cos i couldn't do the paper at all. a million other thoughts were zipping through my head at breakneck speed, like what kind of tai tai i was gonna become and what i was gonna eat for dinner.

lucky dinner was good, back to stats.

10:10 PM;

i am a sentimentalist.

i was looking at my pencil case today and realised i still have this stuck there:

even though it's been don't know how many gazillion years since i really spoke to Cheryl. i can't bring myself to take them off even now cos i remember how much i loved her when she was a part of my life. and so i just leave all the stickers there even though now when i look at them i think i should take them out to not remember and be upset.

i do wish i could talk to her again sometimes. but then i wonder to myself, what's the point in trying? since she thinks i don't care anyway, and whatever i say will be construed as not being sincere anyway. it is tiring, having to keep talking when someone else is so cold and angry at you. once upon a time i think i would have burst into tears. i still think i could, out of frustration, but as it is i have no energy to do anything about anything anymore. perhaps next time.

11:36 PM;

i could construct a hypothesis test for just about anything now, really.
that's what doing stats the whole day does to you. null hypothesis, alternative hypothesis, i could even tell you whether i'll pass my stats exam.

H0: expected value = Kelly passes her exams.
H1: expected value NOT = Kelly passes her exams.

i should reject H0 and favour the alternative, H1.



and more ANTM episodes again today. if only i had the same commitment towards my work that i have towards finishing up cycle 1 of ANTM on youtube. i'd be such a genius. i even finished reading Interview With A Vampire for the don't know how many-th time. so many things to do OTHER than studying. i can't decide if this indifference is cos i've given up or cos i'm confident i know my stuff. i feel inclined to favour the former.

i am becoming a statistician. but really, statisticians are so annoying. why bother to construct a test hypothesis when you can just call the plant/whatever up and ask straight whether the expected value has been, well, true. but i fear i am becoming a statistician. i am starting to talk like one, for sure.

9:29 PM;

I am thankful for the wife who says, "Hot dogs for supper!"
Because she is home with me, not someone else.

I am thankful for the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato
Because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

I am thankful for the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes
Because she is at home and not out on the streets.

I am thankful for the taxes I pay
Because it means I am employed.

I am thankful for the mess to clean after a party
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

I am thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug
Because it means I have enough to eat.

I am thankful for my shadow that watches me work
Because it means I am out in the sunshine.

I am thankful for a lawn to mow, windows to clean and gutters to fix
Because it means I have a home.

I am thankful for the complaining I hear about the government
Because it means we have freedom of speech.

I am thankful for the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
Because it means I am able to walk and I have been blessed with transportation.

I am thankful for my huge heating bill
Because it means I am warm.

I am thankful for the pile of laundry and ironing
Because it means I have clothes to wear.

I am thankful for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day
Because it means I have been able to work.

I am thankful for the alarm that rings early in the morning hours
Because it means I am alive.





got this in the mail from Trina.

i think it's a good reminder of the things i ought to be grateful for in life, really. cos i'm a hugeeeee whiner and complainer, sometimes i just don't appreciate what i have. so much i ought to be thankful for, but sometimes i'm too caught up in my own self-wrought complications that i lose sight of what's important and all i am blessed with.

12:08 AM;

diediediediediediediedie

:(

i can't go on anymoreeeeeeeeee. i have zero motivation to study since i know i'm switching courses next sem anyway, and mno is requiring every ounce of my patience. there is so damn much to read, i doubt i can remember anything anyway even if i did manage to finish all my readings. blardeeee hell.

i have started watching ANTM cycle 1 on youtube already. this shows how much my studying has degenerated because under perfectly normal circumstances, i'd be interested in my mno readings.

i state this case as an example. when i was reading my mno text in the library yesterday, i was particularly motivated to continue reading on cos something i read just made so much sense to me. like, it explained why i and people in general behave in a certain manner.

i quote:
fundamental attribution error: The tendency to attribute the behaviour of other people more to internal than to external factors,
and
self-serving bias: A perceptual error whereby people attribute their favourable outcomes to internal factors and their failures to external factors.

internal factors being the person's own abilities (or lack of) and inclinations, and external factors being environmental or situational in nature.

doesn't it make so much sense? i mean, how many of us blame ourselves when something goes wrong? it's usually like, "it's all because of the rain" or "that idiotic guy made everything go wrong". and when something goes right for us, we'll be like, "yeah, i did work hard for it after all" etcetcetc. and when someone does something wrong, the usual response that comes out of our lips resemble something like "sheesh, he/she's always been such a klutz".

it makes perfect sense, so i don't think it's only applicable to organizational behaviour, actually. (ahaha the title of my mno text) if you ask me, these theories are all quite perfectly relevant and applicable to other aspects of our lives, and more importantly, the day-to-day aspect of our behavioural patterns and the like.

watching ANTM made me realise something. yes, bimbotic shows do teach things sometimes. :D
this contestant Robin who was a staunch Christian was 'worried' about her fellow contestant Elyse because this Elyse girl was an atheist. Robin was worried for her cos she believed that she'd go to hell, not believing in God. so one morning when Robin was doing her quiet time and reading her bible, she came upon this verse that went along the lines of 'foolish is the man who doesn't believe in God'. so thinking she could help 'save' Elyse's soul or something, she called Elyse over and showed her the quote. which didn't leave Elyse feeling any more 'saved' or happy, actually.

bottomline is, many a time we do things out of good will that is misinterpreted by others. also, sometimes what we do out of good will may not be executed in the right way. it was so clearly evident to me when i was watching that episode on youtube and i was like, wow, ANTM teaches me stuff.

okay so i don't wax lyrical about the educational benefits of ANTM because honey, in all reality there aren't any concrete ones. but it's a good destresser for me, and hey, it works. i'm not complaining. :P study session in the library tomorrow. i am debating whether or not to bring my laptop with me. on one hand, it'll allow me much-coveted study breaks in the form of more episodes of ANTM. on the other hand, the much-coveted study breaks may not be such a good idea after all cos I SHOULD BE DEVOTING ALL MY TIME TO STUDYING, DAMMIT.

or trying to study, at least, even if i'm not actually studying. 4 more days till the start of it all. the start of the end! cannot wait.

11:13 PM;

when i don't wanan start on my work, the frequency of my blogging increases. astronomically.

i do not want to study at all.

my productivity level is subzero. i've decided to come home to see if my productivity will increase miraculously or anything.
but. not happening. i am watching Project Runway now and am loading the finale of last season's ANTM on youtube. sighhhh.

and i am hungry! strange, considering the fact that i haven't studied at all the whole day. slept on the couch, yes. watch tv, yes. study, no.

aaahhhhhh. i want to flop and die!

11:03 PM;

i was so unproductive today, it's amazing. i didn't know hours could just whizz by like that while i'm trying to do stats in the library. i still have the sniffles and the stuck nose. i think it's not gonna leave me until i have time enough to catch more shut-eye after the exams.

dad's gonna be on leave tomorrow. i wanna go home so bad. i miss home like crap, for some strange reason. being away from my family does have a rather strange effect on me. i start to feel all alone in the world and unwanted, somewhat. like nobody's child, nobody's sister. isn't it strange how family ties are so deep-rooted? like i never knew how attached i was to my family until now. my identity has a lot to do with my family. i feel good knowing that i'm my parents' child, their eldest daughter. i feel good knowing i'm Carol's older sister. i feel good knowing that i'm Koko Maggie's god-daughter and niece. i feel good knowing i'm Trina's best friend. i feel good knowing that i'm Chelsa's pal.

but do i feel good knowing i'm me? hmm i really don't know! i never realised how much my confidence and feel-good factor depended so much on other people. not a very safe thing, you realise. what if one day something happened, say my parents died or something? i wouldn't be my parents' daughter anymore cos they wouldn't be around anymore. so one piece of my identity would dissolve into thin air, just like that. then what if i migrate to another country and lose touch with all my friends? more pieces of my identity would shatter.

so who is left? scary thought.

i thought i'd be over the teenage angst stage. you know, when teenagers rage against the world cos they can't find their identity, cos they feel like they're someone else, cos they feel lost amid the sea of self-assured adult identities and fragile teen identities just like their own. i don't feel angsty against the world now or any such thing. i just want to know who i am. like who will be left if all the different titles and 'friend of who and who' and 'daughter of who and who' is stripped away? i'll still be Kelly, sure. but who is Kelly?

the other day, i was going nuts trying to understand the concept of consciousness. why am i conscious as Kelly? why am i not conscious as someone else? i see the world through my eyes, tainted and prodded by the girl Kelly's thoughts and opinions. how would the world look like through the eyes of another, say, Trina or Mel? would the roses be redder, the birds chirping sweeter, the sky that much bluer? or what if i were looking through the eyes of a guy? would a girl's ass be all that much more interesting to look at than say, a snail on the ground? why wasn't i given consciousness as a Jessica or a Rachel or a Xiao Li? as a Japanese or an American or a British? why Kelly, a Singaporean girl? it's such a iffy concept to grasp, this consciousness. my body was infused with the spirit whom my parents christened Kelly the moment i was formed in my mother's womb; i was given a set of dreams and inclinations and dislikes and fears and hopes and loves. i was given a brain that loved the English language and all things romantic and lofty aspirations of being a shiny pin-up girl and a writer, dreams of living by a quaint English countryside with English roses in my garden and a gurgling brook through the countryside my house stands on with 5 kids running around with straw hats and my husband doing the dishes.

i'd like to be someone else for just one day sometimes, just to see the change in perspective. i'd like to be perhaps a Justin for a day to see how a guy's mind works.

meanwhile, i shall bury my brain in books again so i'll stop chewing on all these unanswerables. many a great philosopher have debated these for their entire lives and even then, did not manage to get a concrete answer. i ain't no philosopher, unfortunately. sometimes i feel like the stupidest person on earth cos here i am, with all these weird questions that i can't answer and get so frustrated over.

pictures of people i love to cheer me up.

the people who were my life and the people who are my life now.

aites enough procrastinating. i shall read my mno article then go to bed.

1:06 AM;

technology has really revolted against me. i got locked out of my room earlier in the night while on the phone with Tri.


bloody hell okay!
everything's going bonkers on me! the next thing i know, my phone's gonna explode in my hands or something.

last episode of ANTM today. Danielle won! yay! she was my favourite after Sarah left. :) what am i gonna do on Monday nights now that ANTM is over? sigh. i think i shall go to my trusty youtube.com and watch previous cycles of ANTM. i love seeing the girls' photos, they always turn out so nice and glossy and nice. jealous! unlike those oh-so-pretty Americans, i do NOT photograph well at all.

argh my head is killing me. i think i'm coming down with the flu or something cos i've been sneezing and sniffling for a lot of today and yesterday. and my head's started pounding ever since i got back from the Fr William Goh talk at Holy Cross.

speaking of the talk. it was about heaven, hell and purgatory. how apt! cos the night before, i was just thinking to myself about death and what'll happen to me when i die. will i just lose consciousness painlessly, like how i drift into sleep at night? like is it a gradual process, that i'll know that i'm dying, or will it be a snap and it's over kinda thing? dead even before i realise that i'm dying? and when i die, what'll become of my consciousness, my mind? will it just hover in limbo until i meet God? or will it immediately be propelled into some state of being, purgatory, perhaps? will my mind know that i'm dead? or will it be living in some new life free of my earthly body? i've decided that if i die, i'd want my body to be cremated. just get rid of my body asap, thanks. don't bury me underground and wait for the maggots to eat my eyeballs out until i'm nothing but a coffin of bones. just burn me to ashes and get it over and done with. after all, once i'm dead my body becomes an empty shell. somewhat like the coccoon of a caterpillar. its coccoon becomes an empty shell once the creature inside emerges as a butterfly. new life, somewhat. does the butterfly care about what happens to its coccoon? i don't think so. it could be eaten up by locusts for it cares; it's nothing but an empty shell. i think similarly, my dying would render my body an empty shell of what i once was, cos my soul is not longer inside. but somehow, i still can't reconcile the idea of maggots chewing on my nose. too disturbing for me to want to fathom.

people always ask me what i want to be next time. i usually shrug and say "i don't know", because it's the easiest answer. but i already know what i wanna do next time. i wanna be a journalist, i wanna write a novel, i wanna write for National Geographic, i wanna study the animals in the jungles and rainforests and classify them into their species or whatever, i wanna breed fishies in my tank and take photos of their pretty colours, i wanna get married to a gorgeous specimen of a man whose heart as beautiful as he is and have 10 kids and live in a country house in the European countryside, i wanna be America's Next Top Model and live a glamourous jetsetting lifestyle and admire my pretty glossies after the shoots, i wanna watch Manchester United play in the Theatre of Dreams in Manchester and cheer my lungs out for Alan Smith in the stands, i wanna watch Kimi Raikkonen zip past me in his red Ferrari next season in the Sepang circuit in KL, i wanna eat crabs along the seaside with Tri and watch the sun go down.

so many things to do, so little time. and of course, there's always the overseas exchange i wanna do in my second year. so many possibilities. but really, do more possibilities always necessarily make us happier people? i think sometimes, people are the happiest when they have lesser possibilities and could choose from just a few options that they really and truly want.

going back on weekends and having Carol stay over practically the entire week last week made me realise how much i love my family. i'd only begun to realise it when i've been away from home the last 3 months or so. i never realised how much i loved my dad simply because he loves us all so much, doing things for all of us. i never realised how much i loved my mom because once again, she loves us all so much; her nagging is her way of showing she cares and i never appreciated it till now. i never realised how much i loved my sister simply for who she is, oh-so-cute and lovable and generous to a fault and such an adoring younger sister. i was thinking, what if God took away my entire family one fine day. would i still be able to say that i love Him? i think i'd find it very hard to still say that i do cos i love my family so much.

looks like i'll be spending a long time in purgatory, since my attachment to them is so strong.

3:30 AM;

technology is turning its back on me. for all of the time i've spent on IT this week, it still hates me. my laptop is completely and totally unusable now. some malicious virus infected it and it's completely useless. last night, my hard disk got wiped out. thankgoodness for my intuition. my intuition was telling me just minutes before that my laptop was behaving all weird, so i decided to save my schoolwork in a thumb drive AND burn a CD in case anything happened. i tell you, i am SO BLOODY LUCKY. i managed to burn a dvd of all my music and backup my schoolwork before the system crashed on me and self-destructed.

and to think that i'm the only one in my group that has the final version of the IT project VBA code and flowcharts. omg if i hadn't saved my things in the thumb drive, i think i would have flopped dead there and then. you have no idea how many fricking hours i've spent on the stupid project in total.

:( :(

dad's been trying to get rid of the bug/virus/spyware whatever since last night but it's still not behaving. i hope he manages to repair everything by tomorrow night or i won't have a laptop in hall next week and i'm gonna die of boredom while studying cos i survive on music.

IT-woes aside, i've finally made the switch from biz to arts. i've been dragging my feet on deciding for the longest time ever, but i was forced to make a choice by yesterday cos the dateline for applying for a course transfer was yesterday. i stupidly forgot my photocopied certs so they made a concession for me to submit my certs by Monday. but like hello, why do you need my certs? i'm already a biz student, i must have done well enough to get into biz. so it should make sense that since i did well enough to get into biz, my results should be more than enough to take me into arts right? cheeeeee. bureaucracy!

i shall study econs tonight and maybe webcast mno or IT on my dad's laptop. i am so sick of computers, maybe i'll heck it and stare at some paper for a while.

i can't wait to choose my modules next sem! i'm actually looking forward to school next sem and the modules i could take, yay! am thinking of perhaps taking psych, soci, geog, politcal science, lit, jap, english.. i could take anything and everything! i am rather looking forward to beginning a new sem in arts. i just hope my application gets through.. if not i will be sorely disappointed at having to spend another sem in biz. aites am gonna shower. and leave computers alone for a while. enough of screaming at screens for night i think. the next screen i stare at will be the tv screen when i play ps2 later tonight.

9:33 PM;

i see a home in a quiet place
i see myself in a strong embrace
and i feel protection from the human race
- it's not parental.
but it's a fantasy, not a reality
and it's no good, no,
no good for me, you have no idea
that i'm walking through the clouds
when you're looking at me
i'm feeling like a child
vulnerability
i am shaking like a leaf if you move beside me
and you're all that I see
but it's no good for me.
you have a home in a quiet place
and someone else feels your strong embrace
she is protected and she needs no chase
and do you love her?
you're a mystery, you are the heart of intrigue
you're no good, no,
no good for me.

*the corrs // no good for me.

4:37 AM;

IT project is killing all the brain cells in my pretty head.

i am majorly irritated and i want to throw something at my laptop because i can't even work out the first part of the project. it is bleeping frustrating. ARGHARGHARGHARGH.

every single line i type into the stupid VBE code window contains an error. EVERY line, i am not kidding. i've been debugging my one-liners since i started doing the stupid project at 4plus, and i still haven't figured out the problem. SO ANNOYING!

i know what i want to do: check my range for particular values and select these values and copy and paste. it's that simple! but i can't write the code for that without errors! i am ready to really scream because i am so sick of IT but i can't leave it alone. i desperately want to bathe and do something else but being the stubborn fool that i am, i won't leave hopeless as hopeless.

i reiterate, IT is killing all the brain cells in my pretty head. don't expect this gorgeous babe to sound remotely intelligent when you next see her because the brain cells will probably take some time to regenerate. i am miserable.

10:45 PM;

according to my mno readings, a lot of the decisions i make in my life may not necessarily be good ones because it seems that i have fallen into several of the 8 psychological traps in decision-making.

i tell you, mno is seriously my favourite module this sem. it's part psychology, part sociology, part fluff. i get to study about what influences the minds of business executives when they make decisions. and wow-wee, it seems that these are applicable to real-life too.

welll, according to the Harvard Business Review article i'm reading now, it seems that i have fallen into the status-quo trap several times over.
the source of the status-quo trap lies deep within our psyches, in our desire to protect our egos from damage. breaking from the status-quo means taking action, and when we take action, we take responsibility, thus opening ourselves to critcism and to regret. not surprisingly, we naturally look for reasons to do nothing. sticking with the status-quo represents, in most cases, the safer course because it puts us at less psychological risk.


and it would also seem that i've fallen prey to the sunk-cost trap more often in my life than i would have liked.

another of our deep-seated biasnes is to make choices in a way that justifies past choices, even when the past choices no longer seem valid. why can't people free themselves from past decisions? frequently, it's because they are unwilling, consciously or not, to admit to a mistake.

being the arrogant individual that i am, i do not like to admit to my mistakes. and even when i do realise the error of my ways, i find it so hard to accept that fact and change my mind. it seems that when i'm wrong about something, i'm even more determined to keep at it in the hopes that success will eventually fall onto my lap. well, hello. it seems that my stubbornness isn't unique only to me. it's common to everyone in the form of a sunk-cost psychological trap!

spent the better part of the night studying downstairs, but although i feel inclined to think that i did a lot, thinking back i think i didn't really accomplish that much. just webcasted my mno lecture, copied over Chelsa's film notes from Monday's lecture and read one mno reading. we took a one-hour Sheares supper break and came back at 12 plus feeling too too full.
am supposed to be sleeping soon cos i have to get up at the unearthly time of 830am tomorrow morning cos there's some SMU thing to do. then lecture after that! heh but i HAD to finish blogging about my interesting finding cos when i read it, i was all like, oh wow, i can so relate to this stuff! i think that's what i means to be interested in your subject matter.

i think i shall play a quick game of spider solitaire before going to bed. the one-hour nap earlier on in the evening has overcharged me somewhat.

2:35 AM;

i am studying in the reading room now. i have been studying whenever i'm free.
I HAVE NO MORE LIFE. : (
it's a Friday night and i should be going out somewhere, anywhere. but i'm not even at home! - i'm stuck in school. why? SMU meeting tomorrow morning at 9am then mno make-up lecture at 10am. BOO TO SATURDAY EVENTS IN SCHOOL. BOO. so much for a 5-day work week man.

i had a wonderful wonderful birthday surprise on Monday night. LOVEYOUGUYS ALL!!
i'd blog more about it if i had the time and space, but i don't really. but in short, my lovelies planned a pretty damn good supper surprise for me on the rooftop, and i was supremely surprised and all i can say is: you rock lah, lovelies, and i love you! muaaaahhhh!

10:07 PM;

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!

4 November 2006. must buy 4d, i tell you. i was half inclined to think that the tester was pulling a fast one on me, cos i drove so badly! his face was so black by the end of my test but he still ticked the oh-so-wonderful 'pass' option on my form and handed the paper to me, albeit a bit hesitatingly. but oh, who cares!

i was so ecstatic! i could hardly believe that i had passed my driving test on my first attempt. i never once imagined i would've been a first-time passee! especially since i knew for myself my driving was horrendous and i'm not exactly the world's most level-headed person.

:) :) :) :)

i'm sorry, Chels, if i seem to keep rubbing it in!! but pal, you know you'll get your license soon too, so don't worry!! i know you'll get your license soon! so meanwhile, i'll shut up about my driving exploits till January!

i've been driving everywhere possible ever since Saturday morning when i passed. i drove dad and Carol to Ang Mo Kio for lunch, then drove us to church that afternoon to pick Matthias up for the Parachute Band worship concert. then drove back from Colin's place at Upper Neram Road area. then this morning i drove mom and dad down for 11am mass, then drove us all back from Heartland Mall after lunch. then drove again in the evening to my grandma's place and back home again after that. THEN drove to school too via the super long Lornie Road way. it's been so tiring! and it seems as though manymany years have passed since i got my license. the weekend was such an eventful one! Koko Maggie offered me the use of her car the day before i took my test IF i passed. and i did! so i happily bought her a set of P plates to put in her car so i can use it anytime i want. haha. :)

aaaaaaahhh how exciting!

but what's not so exciting is the stats project i came back to hall tonight to do. if it weren't for the stupid project, i'd have stayed home another night and only followed dad down tomorrow morning. i've been wanting to spend as much time home as possible ever since i went home mid-week last week. it did me a lot of good, i must say! i think the stats project is gonna be so bad, but i don't care anymore. i'm starting to feel a bit burnt out where projects are concerned. sigh whatever man.

am meeting Trina for lunch tomorrow! if i don't go for any of my lectures tomorrow, i can probably meet her earlier. i'll see how i feel tomorrow morning when i get up! haha.

and you know what happens when you put the 4 of us together in a room when we're high on stats project? we go absolutely nuts. shucks we should have taken some photos man. but seriously, i laughed so damn hard earlier when we were doing our project in Chelsa's room. i think tonight was Bully Chelsa Night or something. but pal you know we love you anyway right? i do!!!!! :) too fun! ahaha. but i'm not sure if it's worth having to slog over another stats project to get as high as we did earlier on. i laughed until my sides felt like they were splitting.

it feels good to do something sweet for someone who means a lot to you! i've been feeling nice and loving lately, i think it has got to do with the change in atmosphere.

okay, toooooo tired! need to sleep.

5:47 AM;

i forgot all about my teamwork analysis 2 thing for mno tomorrow until Mel reminded me an hour ago on msn. argh. don't know how to do. spent 3 hours napping in front of the tv while doing my mno readings, watching Carol play Star Ocean and waiting for my songs to download. i had such a good afternoon. home's so far away from school, it's a nice feeling. to be away from all my work (even though i brought work home to do! haha.) to be away from all the madness that permeate the tranquility. i left all that behind in my room when i came back and breathed the somehow fresher air of Yio Chu Kang, when i came back to the comforts of my home where i feel safe and somehow protected from seemingly prying eyes.

i'm in a supremely melancholy mood now. i realised the aptness of the song Wake Me Up When September Ends when i was listening to it this afternoon. i fell in love with Jewel's subtly sad You Were Meant For Me and ended up crying over Celine Dion's Water From The Moon. i smiled at all the cheeriness of Toploader's Dancing in the Moonlight and could only nod in agreement as i let the angrily desperate words of Kelly Clarkson's Addicted wash over me. i am in a song-ish mood now. when you have no words left to use, you can always borrow the words of others to help you.

*****

i hear the clock, it's 6am
i feel so far from where i've been
i got my eggs and my pancakes too
i got my maple syrup

everything but you.

i break the yolks, make a smiley face
i kinda like it in my brand new place
i wipe the spots off the mirror
don't leave the keys in the door
never put wet towels on the floor anymore, cos

dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
i know you love me
and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you.

i called my momma, she was out for a walk
consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
so i picked up a paper, it was more bad news
more hearts being broken or people being used
put on my coat in the pouring rain
i saw a movie - it just wasn't the same
cos it was happy and i was sad
it made me miss you oh-so-bad, cos

dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
i know you love me
and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you.

i go about my business
i'm doing fine
besides, what would i say if i had you on the line?
same old story, not much to say
hearts are broken, everyday.
i brush my teeth and put the cap back on
i know you hate it when i leave the light on
i pick a book up
turn the sheets down
take a deep breath and take a good look around
put on my PJs and hop into bed
i'm half-alive but i feel mostly dead
i try and tell myself i'll be all right
i just shouldn't think anymore tonight, cos

dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
i know you love me
and soon i know you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you.


*You Were Meant For Me//Jewel


*****


sigh.

7:32 PM;

it's just one of those days when you don't feel like doing anything at all. and being physically unable to do things is quite a good excuse for lying in bed and hiding under my blanket, to be honest!

i woke up this morning, knew i had cramps, and cursed my ovaries and every other female part of my body. then after expending the last of my energy, i rolled over in bed and squeezed my eyes shut again and wished hard i weren't me.

sometimes i think making you feel physically unwell is God's way of making you stay still and realise that He's around after all. cos when you're constantly on the move, constantly thinking and doing things, you hardly have time to talk to God. but when you're stuck in bed with a spinning head and you can't do anything else cos everytime you sit up you feel like throwing up everything inside, you start to notice the silence, the sound of your own heart beating, and realise how amazing God is. and you start to have these long conversations with Him about what's been hurting, about academic woes, about how you need His help and love so badly in your life. last night felt a bit like that. i just spoke to God in the dark and listened to the silence with my heart and fell asleep knowing that God heard me and i'm not alone.

sometimes you wonder why you aren't more pretty, more smart, more funny, more whatever. but you never see what you are. you wonder why people like someone else more, why don't they like me more you think. but don't you see all the other people who love you for who you are? i've just been struck with this realisation. i always wonder why i'm not more anything, but am never happy with what i am. or perhaps i just fail to see that in me. but others see the good in me and love me. the people who matter, the people who care. everyone has their shortcomings, but no one has no good qualities! everyone's at least something good, i think.

last night's culture night performance was quite good. it struck a chord with me cos i think the entire story scenario isn't alien to anyone. girl A loves boy A. boy A likes girl B. girl B likes boy C. boy C likes girl B too. what's new about that? it's the quintessential love quadrangle in dramas all over the world. i think the moral of the story is just that sometimes you don't see that what you've been looking for all this while has been in front of you. and sometimes you just realise it too late. boy A in the performance didn't. but he almost lost girl A who loved him so much just because he was so caught up with the more glamourous and popular girl B. there was a happy ending. mainstream! and everyone leaves the mpsh happy and warm. but what about the million other girl As in the world who lose their boy As to the girl Bs? they don't find their happy ending, that's for sure. at least one girl A found hers. :)

i'm going home tonight i think. i miss home, for one thing. and i need to get away from the madness of hall and school for a while. sometimes you get so sucked up in everything that you lose yourself and go to bed at night wondering whether Kelly still exists in some secret corner of B509. you lose your heart, your mind, your self, and go back on weekends trying to reclaim some bits of the whole life you once had. then when you seem more mended somehow after the weekend, you come back on Sunday night and all the madness floods your mind and forces the cracks out again until by the time Friday rolls around, you're in pieces again. okay so maybe this is just unique to me, but it's something i feel strongly about. my family loves me, i love my family. i need them, they need me. i'm going home.

2:59 PM;