it's really not that i don't wanna share with you, my dear.
i can't.
either there's nothing to say, or it's all been said before, or i have no words.


none at all for everything inside. which makes things harder for me cos i'm used to being able to put names to every single colour of the rainbow, words for every type of feeling a human could feel. and yet no words for the feelings inside.


i'm expected to be all right, i'm expected to bounce back quickly.
fine, good that you all think that way. good that i think that way of me too.
i'm a rubber ball. i bounce back no matter how hard you throw me.

no matter how mean you are to me, i will bounce back. no matter how much you dislike me, i'll bounce back too. even if the world collapses around me, i'll still bounce back twice as hard because that's the way i was made.
but what if one day, i stop bouncing back? what if one day you say something mean to me and i just burst into tears there and then cos there's no other reaction left except to give in to the sting of the meanness? what if one day the world crumbles around me and i fall to pieces too? what if one day someone throws me far far away and i never bounce back cos i got stuck on a thorn and the air all escaped and i can't bounce back even if i wanted to?

much too much to think about these days, and yet nothing really, when you think about it. (hah no pun intended)

i'm still inclined to tears rolling down my cheek whenever i think about certain things so i don't think all is rosy yet in the oil landscape of Kelly's emotions.

you know, don't care from afar. if you care for someone, show it. tell it. do it. don't just observe from far away and expect that person to know that you care. we're not psychic, as much as we like to claim sometimes that we are.
if you want to know something, ask it. that's my policy. i just fire away first and apologise later. but that usually gets me right to my point and i don't waste time beating round the bush talking about everything but whatever's important. if you wanna know about stuff i've blogged about, ask me. i won't bite. i just don't tell you because i don't want to waste your time with my little problems that i probably could have dealed with myself without having to ask for help. it's not that i don't want to share with you what's going on, really. i just subscribe to the policy that if you care, you'll ask me. i do that to those i care about, so i don't see why you should wait for me to tell you about me. i just don't do that to anyone. i suppose it's cos of the way i do things, that's why i see this whole thing about sharing in such a different light.

nothing personal, really. promise. just a general rant.


aites time to sleep. hair appointment tomorrow morning.

They pull up their chairs to the table
She stares at the food on her plate
At the toast and the butter
Her father, her mother, she pushes away

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

She gets home from school too early
And closes the door to her room
There's nothing inside her
She's weak and she's tired of feeling like this

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason
She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves
And her mother is starting to see through her lies
And last night her father had tears in his eyes

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
And we rise in the morning
And we sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

*She's Falling Apart//Lisa Loeb

4:18 AM;

one day, i'll sing this to someone.
until then, it remains a bathroom Top10 hit.


When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you, endlessly
And when you're mad cos you lost a game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby, I love you,
I love you anyway
Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie, it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you a little more each time
And when you can't quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you, more than you'll know
And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway
Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
That's when I love you
When nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
No matter what

*That's When I Love You//Aslyn

6:07 PM;

my head hurts like crap. i think i drank too quickly just now. and i feel so shitty now.

drinking doesn't take your troubles away. actually i suspect that drinking magnifies your problems and makes you feel even lower than you were before cos it strips yourself of the barriers you've put up even to yourself and bares everything that you've been trying to surpress.

i think i'm alright. i thought i was, anyway. i thought i was dealing with everything fine, more than fine, actually. i thought i was doing a good job with living my life and not letting the things that hurt me get to me. but now i suspect not.

why's it that we can deceive everyone that we're alright, even ourselves? deception is not good. definitely. but i didn't even realise i was deceiving people until recently when i realised i've been deceiving myself about my mental and emotional state. i'd managed to convince myself that all was well in my life for a while, and actually i still would like to believe so and that tonight was just a blip on my recovery-meter. but i dunno.

argh why can't i just live in some idyllic spot alone with my pets and roses with my pal and Trina and just stay away everything else bad in the world?

it's not that i wanna hide things from people. i just don't open myself up anymore because i'm being cautious and i don't wanna slip and fall just as i think i'm on the road to recovery. but as a result, people end up thinking i'm cold and unfeeling and not-so-nice, but i can't help it. sometimes i wonder if i'm really that cold and unfeeling or if it's just a front i put up to protect myself. when all the people you like all don't like you, you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you or what. one can't be that luckless right.

but then again, maybe i just am plain silly. cos i mean, lots of relationships begin with both sides not necessarily feeling as strongly for the other. there're so many billion people in the world, what are the chances that you'll end up with someone who you like who likes you at first glance too? things usually begin when the person who likes the other makes a move and the other person is willing to give the relationship a try. i dunno if i could do that, though. i dunno if i could be with someone who likes me more than i like him.

okay that does it. i am not ready to get into any relationship right now. i still have issues to settle with myself and i don't know how long that'll take, really. i'm trying to make things normal for me again, but you just can't force things. you can't force conversations, you can't force friendships.

maybe one day, some months later or perhaps twenty, thirty years later, i'll know why everything happened because i'd like to think things don't happen for no reason. perhaps one day i'll be able to look back and really just laugh my eyeballs out over everything cos i was being such a silly goose about everything. i really didn't think i'd be affected even until now, really. i honestly honestly thought i was perfectly fine but argh i dunno why things i thought i'd chucked out of the window are resurfacing in me again. frustrating.

and i know people read this blog but i honestly couldn't care less anymore because i am too lazy to shift addresses. i think deep down inside i wanna tell people things, but i don't want to talk because i don't wanna appear vulnerable, so i use this blog as an avenue to tell people what's on my mind. i am such a complicated creature i don't know what i'm thinking sometimes.

and sometimes there's so much to say but there and then when you're looking at the teacup, all the words just evaporate and you're left with fluff in your brain. other times there's just nothing to say at all because words aren't enough to describe what you're thinking, it's just a whirl of emotions raging in your heart and nothing you say would come close to what you feel so you just don't say anything at all. so you rack your head for the words but by the time you do, you turn around and find that you're alone again, alone with the emotional hurricane in your head and no one to turn to.

omg i dunno why i'm being so emo, seriously.

on the way back just now, dad asked me why i was so upset and i told him everything in summary, to my horror and relief. horror because i'd never imagined i'd tell my parents about anything that's happened, about me liking blahblah and feeling so ugh now cos i've erected walls that i can't tear down overnight, about my feeling of uselessness in the core all the time that's eating at me cos i know i can do so much more but i dunno what's holding me back. and dad just looked so sad and held my hand and said that things will be alright in the end. and i felt so sad cos dad looked so sad, somewhat helpless at taking away his daughter's pain, and i wanted to die cos i felt like such a bad daughter. i shouldn't be making my dad feel worse, shouldn't be making him feel guilty about his inability to make things right for me again, shouldn't be burdening him anymore cos he's got enough on his plate now with the family threatening to crumble around us again. so i just told him i'm alright now after talking and forced a smile out. but you have no idea how gutted i was inside. shit i'm crying bucketloads now and i don't even know why exactly, really.

okay gotta pull myself together. full day tomorrow with two meetings and i need to get my act together, seriously. i thought i'd lost my sense of feelings but i think i just numbed them temporarily to get back on my feet again to face the world the best i could. i feel sicker than last night now, i think the emotional turmoil added on to my physical unwellness and i just feel super sick all over now.


i wish for a place, where the earth doesn't shake
and if the earth won't be still

then you and i will.



:(

2:34 AM;

i got my results today: 3.2!

A for MNO, B for film, B- for IT (surprisingly), C+ for stats (no surprise there) and C for econs (even lesser of a surprise). ran all around stupid NUS today to do the admin for my transfer from biz to arts. sucha pain in the ass, i tell you. so troublesome, inefficient and a terrible waste of time.

on one hand, i think my results are disgusting. i mean, a 3.2 is essentially a B- overall i think. two Cs are unacceptable, even if i knew i was changing courses. but on the other hand, i'm grateful for what i got cos i could've gotten so much worse results.

i think i'm falling sick. again. bloody hell. i feel terrible from top to toe, headaches, nausea, stomachaches, a sore throat, sniffles, UGH.

i am SO TIRED. i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm frightened because i don't know what the hell i'm doing and i don't know where everything's heading and sigh, i just wish for nothing. is it even possible to get into a relationship that you don't really want, firstly, and where the feelings aren't mutually strong for each other? i do not want to find out. i'm sick to my stomach and i just want to hide away at home away from prying eyes and expectations. confused, as usual. and so scared, for some reason. this feels wrong, i shouldn't be scared. but i'm so scarred and bruised from past failed experiences that i already carry with me the sad mentality that no relationship is ever gonna turn out right for me. that something's gonna go wrong somewhere along the line, that i'll ruin everything with my impulsiveness and my bluntness, that i'll cry ever again.

i remember one of the YES camps, Br Broughton gave a session about love. and he said something then that i never thought would strike a chord with me. he said that if we're afraid of getting hurt again and thus close our hearts off to love and other such vulnerabilities, we're short-changing ourselves cos we aren't living life to the fullest as we were meant to.

i don't want to shut myself off to my feelings for fear of being hurt, and yet i fear i'm doing just that now. i'm so tired, so lost, so scared, so bloody tired. i want to do so much and yet i just can't seem to put things into action. i think it's a matter of heart vs head, and i've since learnt to shut my heart off to decisions, cos more often than not, decisions made with the heart end up with deep feelings of hurt and pain after all's been said and done.

screw this all. i sound so cynical and bitter, as if i've been through one failed relationship after the other. ironically, i haven't even been through one failed relationship, so i don't know where all this cynicism came from. arghhh.

sometimes i really feel like just flying away to a nice elsewhere, where everyone doesn't know who the heck i am and they don't give two hoots about whether i'm behaving right or not. running away won't solve anything but i'm so tired i just need things to stop, if only for just a little while.

ohh and cousins' dinner tonight at Billy Bomber's at Marina Square. met up with the other cousins too, Marcus, Deborah and Jerome, and the usual gang: kor, Christian, Abriel, Kathy and Gillian. was delish and absolutely hilarious cos we ordered one of every one of the main courses on the menu and buttered mussels! so much food! the guys at the table did us proud as usual by finishing up almost all the food. welldone boys! :) haha.
then headed to Marcus's place to play several rounds of Gin Rummy and bridge. laughed so damn hard while we were playing and almost split my sides laughing.

crapppp i'm feeling really sick now. i wanted to stay up some more to read or whatever, but looks like i'll have to give in to my tiredness and hit the sack.

I NEED HELP.

2:55 AM;

i'll never understand the human heart. never.

seeing someone so dear to you suffer so much from internal conflicts you could never soothe is one of the hardest things to do. you know the agony, you know the hurt, you just don't know how to take it away.

Christmas is a season to love and find peace, yes?

not all in the world is loving and at peace. you'd be surprised at how unpeaceful some seemingly peaceful people are. on the contrary, you might also be surprised at how peaceful some seemingly perpetually disgruntled people are. nothing's ever what they seem, sometimes i wish i had the right 3D glasses to see beyond the deceptively flat surface and the see the much richer and deeper picture behind.

blahblahblahblah. i talk too much.

i should sleep. and i feel cramps setting in. boo to the female reproductive system. i wish i were a male. that'd solve more than one problem at one go cos if i were an XY instead of an XX, i'd be one of 'em and therefore couldn't possibly have any issues with any single one member of the XY species.

*****

Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earheart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Oh, someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninety-seventh time tonight.

Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you.

Someday we'll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you,
Opened up your world

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
Watched the stars crash in the sea
If I can ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me tonight?

Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you
Someday we'll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
- that I was the one for you.

*Someday We'll Know//Mandy Moore

3:33 AM;

several things have been happening!

bad highlight of the day:
i scratched my dad's car today. yes, on the very first time he let me take it out for a spin, too. and ironically, i scratched it while i was trying to park at home. and yes, you saw it right. at home. how suay is that man. dad was hopping mad when he saw the damage and chewed my ear off pretty darn bad. yelled and yelled and yelled for the longest time ever, and i don't blame him one bit. it was completely my bad and he has every right to be so mad at me. i mean, the repainting job's gonna cost a few hundred bucks. argh i think car spray painters are con-artists. how does a touch-up job even cost close to a hundred bucks? if i had my way i'd spray the scratched bit myself to save him the money but i think he doesn't want me to make the car look like some kid sprayed graffiti all over. looks like i won't be touching the car again for a long long time after this. :( ohwell. i am really sorry, dad.

highlight of the week:
similar to the above! except that you know, minus the scratching bit and all, it was pretty exhilirating having the freedom to go anywhere i want without having to take (yucks) public transport. don't get me wrong, i'm no snob. but i value my comfort and time so much that public transport is something i try my hardest to avoid with a vengance.

what else did i do today? had a family bbq and met up with the Cousins again! played soccer with some of the kids after dinner and huffed and puffed my way around the court after a lousy 10min. my kid cousin had the cheek to ask me how come i was so lousy if i was in soccer. heh. then we headed back to my place and played several rounds of Gin Rummy, our favourite Ang game. i suddenly feel so blessed this Christmas by my family. i dunno why i'm suddenly being so sentimental about this all, but i thought about it and realised how blessed we are to have each other as cousins, to share all the laughs with and tears and complaints with (i was uber remorseful about my dad's car throughout the bbq).

the car-scratch incident today made me think about how my dad loves me so much that he forgives me so freely, even when number one, it's so obviously my fault, and number two, even when what i've done has upset him so much. as long as i'm willing to admit that i've been in the wrong and i come back to him not with defiance but with remorse, he'll forgive me with a big hug. and i think God's like that too, isn't He? only on a greater scale because His love for us is limitless and He's like that for ALL of us. when i do something that's wrong and hurtful to God, He still forgives me when i've come to my senses and i'm sorry. and my dad, like my Heavenly Father, even feels bad for scolding me so badly when he was caught up in his anger and apologises. God felt bad that He destroyed the world with the flood and promised Noah never to do something so destructive ever again, sending a rainbow across the sky as a sign of that promise. i can't believe i never saw God's ability to forgive in such a light before. it just shows that it takes daily incidents in my life for God's goodness to be revealed to me.

i've been so caught up with the actual doing of things for Christmas this year that upon reflecting on it all while i was in the shower just now with the hot water running, i feel a lot like A Martha. Martha, as in the Martha in the Mary and Martha in the Bible. she was so absorbed in getting everything right in the material, practical sense that she failed to just sit at the feet of Jesus and enjoy His company. similarly, i feel like i'm missing the meaning behind all the gift-buying and card-writing. Christmas is essentially a season of love. so am i getting the essence of Christmas right? i wasn't, i think. but after realising it, i've been able to realign myself and my thoughts and i think it's better now. as in, i know why i'm writing cards to people, i wanna tell them that they're much loved by God and hence, loved by me too. same goes for the gifts.

some cards are harder to write than others, though. not that i don't have anything to say, but the hardest cards to write are those to whom i have a gazillion things to say but i just don't know how to say it, or how to even start. i am called to love everyone, even those who don't love me. but so damn hard! really! i'm no saint, but i try so hard and i hope and hope the trying'll pay off.

i am completely tired.

oh and on a side-note, i'll be extracting my wisdom teeth soon! yay, finally! on the 5th of Jan, just before school begins! i'm quite excited cos i've been wanting to remove them since like, forever. on the other hand, i know it's quite silly, but i'm slightly scared cos what if i don't wake up from the anaesthetic? going under GA isn't exactly the funnest thing. or what if i lose my sense of taste or feeling in my mouth cos my surgeon told me that there's that risk involved? methinks these worries are rather unfounded, but sigh i dunno. nevermind! shouldn't think about all these now!

Christmas is coming soon! i am getting excited!

i think i shall play a game of Spider Solitaire in its medium mode with two suits and a bit of Sims2 before i plop on my bed and am lost to the world. been starting to keep up with daily QT again recently. my spiritual diary's filled with a lot of ramblings and questions that pop up as i read the Bible or just pray in the quiet of my room. it's better than an empty diary i think, heh.

toodles, world!

1:49 AM;

going for penitential service last night at SVDP stirred up several thoughts in my head. seeing the little kids go for their confessions made me remember my own confessions of yesteryear. back when the sins of the child were still the petty little wrongs and not the heavy burdens of unforgiveness or anger. a child is like a blank slate, but after a while even chalkboards don't clean off as well as they used to when they were brand new. the coloured chalk starts to leave their chalkmarks on the board and the dust settles there, for good it seems. children are like that, the blemishes and hurts initially can be dusted away, but after prolonged writing, the chalk won't clean off as cleanly and the board's perpetually marked with the faint writings of before. i'd do anything to throw my cares to the wind and leave them all behind, i don't want to carry around unnecessary bags of rubbish. if i knew how to, i'd do that in a jiffy and live each day without excess memories cluttering up my life. i think memories ought to be locked up and the key thrown away and the box stuffed under some dark bed because their ghosts haunt me ever so often and leave me feeling so lost.

it's no use lamenting about how i want to be a child again, i know, but i wish childhood didn't slip by me so quickly, leaving me in this semi-grownup, semi-girlhood state. i'm neither little girl still nor woman yet, so what does that make me? somedays i wake up and think i'm an adult and that i can face an adult world with all it's troubles fearlessly, but other days i wake up and just want my mom or dad to take me in their arms again and kiss my tears away and tell me everything's going to be okay and for me to actually believe it when they say that things are gonna be fine.

i found this poem in a book i borrowed from the library last week when dad was on leave.


from I Remember

I remember, I remember,
The fir trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky:
It was a childish ignorance,
But now 'tis little joy
To know I'm farther off from heav'n
Than when I was a boy.

THOMAS HOOD

3:42 PM;

I'm searching
For you, always.
Whisper a love song
And listen
- always nothing.
I look deep inside
And wonder if it's me
Too dusty, perhaps?
The broken pieces of china;
glue them back, please.
the rain outside my window
morse code from above
still I search for you,
my God.

Kelly Marie Ang

3:01 AM;

bloody hell blogger wiped out my post.

too fed up to blog again.

11:27 PM;

we all make mistakes. everyone. i may make wrong choices half my life but when i do realise it i'll work my ass off the other half of my life trying to make some of the wrong right. i'm tired of everything. i know, i say that like all the time. but i truly am.

what could possibly make a 19 year old girl so tired right?

a lot of things can, amazingly. waking up at 645 every morning to go to hall to do rubbish surprisingly takes a lot out of me. coming back home and having to wonder whether my mother's gonna actually come back tonight also drains me. i wonder why. dealing with weird questions in my head just fricking kills me too. sometimes i just want to yell SHUT UP, KELLY.

i'm dealing with a lot now, so please don't give up on me. i'm trying to work things out slowly, so give me time. i'm trying not to crack and give in to wallowing in self-pity, so give me some love. i'm trying, period.

as i mentioned in a few posts before this, it's so hard to care for someone who doesn't seem to want to be cared for. when someone thinks you're the absolutely most annoying little mosquito on earth, what are you to do? even when you want to try to be nice, heshe just keeps swatting you away again and again, and in the end all that's left is frustration.

i ask myself, what would Jesus do? and more often than not, i come up with the undeniable answer that Jesus would love those that're hard to love. i mean, it's chicken feet to love and be nice to someone who's already nice to you because heshe loves you. but not anyone can love someone who's not quite as nice to you, and i'm being challenged to do that, i think.

if i had my way, i'd chuck all emotions out of the window and live perfectly cold and unfeeling for the rest of my life. it's so much easier in the long run. you don't have to feel so desperately crushed when your mother tells you "i don't live there anymore" and cry when you realise she isn't kidding one bit. you don't have to pretend things don't hurt at all when they do because you're supposed to be fine in all respects. sometimes hurts don't heal completely and when you realise it, it becomes all the more painful. i think i adopted temporary amnesia as a form of suppression mechanism because i forced myself to forget and just shoved all thoughts pertaining to whatever out of my head and filled my heads with other thoughts and made myself feel for other things.

i do not really make sense anymore, i think. oftentime, i know exactly what i want and i can even envision it in my mind. but i have so much trouble knowing even very faintly what to do, and it's no exception this time. i know what i wanna achieve but i have no clue as to what i have to do to get there.

i am more sad now than i have been in a long time. and yet, i'm glad i'm sad because this has made me rethink a lot of things and as a result, has driven me to want to refind God again somewhere in my heart. i know He's in there somewhere, i just misplaced His number and i need to search through my pockets to find the scrap of paper with it. and through this all i am still trying to come to terms with the fact that God loves me even though i'm so bloody imperfect and so so so flawed.

you see the depths of my heart
and you love me the same.

i must find it in me somewhere to love myself fully. i must find it in me somewhere to swallow my pride and just try to make things right, although i wonder how right they ever could be given circumstances. i must find it in me somewhere to throw away my hooded sweater so that i can face the world without my face covered because hey, i've got nothing to be ashamed of right? i think i'm more mortified at what had happened not too long ago sometime in June or July because i don't want anyone to see how plain stupid i was, and also i don't want me to see how dumb i was. i don't ever want to be so weak ever again, never want to have to take a deep breath and jump into the ice cold water again without a life jacket in sight, knowing the life jacket'll only be thrown to me when i've spent 2 hours in the icy water flailing about and wishing i was dead. i don't want anyone to see how vulnerable i can be, how pathetically idealistic and overly optimistic/pessimistic and deluded, ever. and yet, how ironic that i do the same things over and over. but i will learn, i hope. i'm revealing less and less of that side of me as i go along.

alright, i know in my head this is fundamentally wrong, because we ought not to hide who we really are. i wouldn't want to meet a put on front of any of my friends, that's for sure. i think perhaps this will be temporary? sometimes putting things in words make things sound more stupid then they really are. sometimes hearing stuff that's happened in the past from someone else's lips makes me want to curl up and die from mortification. but i need to learn to embrace that side of me as well, because as much as i'd like to pretend i never was so shitass dumb, i can't deny i was ever like that. God loves me, silliness and all. i don't, ironically. i want to be able to look back at the past with a smile on my face instead of with a oh-shit-not-again attitude.

blahhhh what a useless post. in all honesty, i dunno what's in my head and heart right now. i think the best representation of it would be this:

HSHKLDNO:HEWINDKLSNDOISHDISNDKLSN DE)H@)(U#()@HE NJXB*(YE*HESIONSXKSNBCX*DHDISNCXKSNCXNK)(YU)(EWYUWBDUIJSBNCXKXNIHSDHDISHADIOSNKZNXCKNXKLNZNCCLKNXKL()qwu

a total and complete mess of jumbled up characters and letters.

smu meeting tmr at 10. i feel like yelling screw it all and just try to put my life in order again. it takes two hands to clap though, and if i'm the only hand clapping nothing'll work.

oh and i know this is completely off tangent, but it's been raining the the entire evening and i'm so happy cos it reflects my mood. driving in the rain is fricking scary cos you don't see anything beyond a metre of your car and you have to crawl on the road at 40km/h and you can't see the markings on the road so you wonder whether you're on someone else's lane. no joke okay.

strike up the band let it play
love songs to haunt me
and i will stay
but when it comes to the waltz
both words and music will ring false
but you waltzed in and spun my world
you led me round in dizzy swirl
and suddenly you waltzed away from me
those violins they must go
some old careless hand with a bow
they play on the strings of my heart
and make me remember
how lovers part.
*the waltz//silje nergaard

3:04 AM;

exams have been over since Monday! and i've been watching ANTM on youtube, playing Sims and going out since then. what a life man. i'm going to vivo in a while to shop some more. and i've been to vivo 3 times since last week already. i think it's time for a change of scenery. haha.

now that i'm so free i feel slightly lost! too much time on my hands. but it's so damn wrong to not know what to do with my time! i've been dreaming of the time after the exams ever since school began, and now that it's here i dunno what to do? no way man!

i know what i'm afraid of now. i have a commitment problem. everytime i get to close to getting into a relationship, i get cold feet and start to act funny. i either become super hot or super cold. and the almost-relationship just fizzles out. i'm terrified of commitment subconsciously i think. i hate to be answerable to ANYONE other than myself, hate having to go out every weekend cos that's what couples do, hate having to talk to him everynight or reply messages. underneath all the 'i hate this' pronouncements, i think i do it all cos i want to. but it's so tiring. i don't think i'll ever be ready for a relationship. flirting and dating's fine, no strings attached. the vulnerability that comes with being with someone is something i'd rather never have to face up to. imagine, your entire emotion-universe becomes ruled by that one person. when he makes you happy, you are happy, period. when he upsets you, you're completely upset and you need your girlfriends to help drag you back up. like hello, what happened to independence?

i used to hate it when people put up false strong fronts. especially when close friends do that. i'd think like, i know you're hurt, i can see you're upset - stop trying to hide it and admit it so i can comfort you!
but now i know. maybe you don't want comfort. maybe you don't need my sympathy and all you need is for me to recognise that you're upset and you're pretending that everything's alright. that you appear strong exteriorly to everyone else except me, and that vulnerability need not come to light. maybe, just maybe i'm like that too now. everything's fine and dandy now, but it wasn't, but i don't want you to know. i've been hurt, i've been crushed so bad, but i don't wanna dredge it all up to the surface of my consciousness again so all i say is, "i'm glad it's over. i can't stop thanking God everyday i'm me still." to smooth over the rough memories.

i recognised that what i did then was no different from what i hated. when you look at it this way, it does seem rather hypocritical.

it's ironic how after countless hisses of ihateyous into the mirror, all i can do now is smile and say it's all fine now. it's not hypocritical. it's really all fine now. i think the ihateyous got purged out of my system and all that's left is this. sometimes you practice a lifetime for one performance you've lived your life to give, and when that time comes, you do all the steps completely opposite from what you practiced. it happens.

vivo in a while! i shall go doll myself up now. i've decided that perhaps i wanna be a model.

12:21 PM;