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Saturday, February 17, 2007

tonight is and was a weird yet lovely night.

went to the Eusoff dance production in the earlier part of the night before joining the zj people at Walas.

i've come to the conclusion that my alchohol tolerance is bloody low. i need to train myself up or i will get taken advantage of by some idiot of a guy sooner or later.

guys are all basically idiots. they don't know anything, they don't know what they want, and even if they did they're too afraid to say what they really feel. too afraid to reject you, too afraid to say if they really like you, too afraid to do anything. it's simple, really. if you like me now, you like me now. if you don't like me now, then that's all there is to it too. straightforward. i dunno why things become complicated when guys try to rationalise things. just say what you feel or not, dammit.

and i don't mean to hurt anyone, i don't mean to be on anyone's mind, i don't mean to make anyone feel like crap. sometimes i forget that i'm only human and a mere 20 year old girl, and i think i shouldn't be frustrated, shouldn't be upset about anything, that i should be in complete control over everything. screw it. i'm not. every once in a while, i remember my humanity, i remember how it's like to want to just scream and cry and not have to seem like everything's alright in my life. i've forgotten what it's like to succumb to my human nature cos i've been trying so damn hard (and succeeding, i daresay), to surrender all to God. even when i want to do something so badly, even when i want something so badly, still i try. and it's the trying that makes me forget that i'm still human after all. that i still want to be loved after all that's said and done, that my pride still kicks in when i realise that you don't think i'm good enough, that i still can cry even though i haven't done that in a million years.

i embrace my weak human nature. it's totally a part of me and there's nothing to be ashamed about, in God's eyes. yet when you don't remember God at all, there's everything to be ashamed about. waiting for someone to feel the same way as you do about you after dunno how many years, it's just plain stupid, isn't it? causing someone else so much hurt and pain just cos of who you are, it's something to be ashamed about isn't it? if i weren't Kelly, things would be so much more different. i wouldn't be hurting those i cared about. i wouldn't be feeling things i ought to give up. damn it. ranting on and on is just making me more pissed. at myself, at everything.

if i were drunk enough, i'd just kiss you straight and worry later about the reaction. if i were drunk enough, i'd throw myself all over you cos i dunno, my dignity and pride seems to have evaporated with my soberness. but i'm not, so thank God. i'm feeling more shitty now than i've felt in a long time, and i think it's thanks to the alcohol. i start to think about things more than i should. what if the right time for a relationship was tomorrow? would you still tell me that it's not the right time because the bottomline is, you could never see me in that light? to you, i'll always be the little girl with half a brain? - is that it? end it all here, just tell me everything. i won't commit suicide if you tell me that hey, you know i don't think i feel the same way about you as you do for me now.

anything could happen in the future. saying stuff now doesn't discount anything. but i don't care about what could and will happen next time because i'm not living in the next time, i'm living in the now. do you like me now? i don't care if you do next time, leave the next time for the next time. why live in the future when God has given us the now to live in? i don't think God meant for us to live in the anticipation of something happening 5 years from now. God meant us to live in the now of things, right now on Friday, 3am, when i'm sitting in front of my computer screen with half-glazed eyes typing furiously away.

i'm probably not making much sense right now because i am feeling severely woozy and light-headed. well and fine. i still know what i want. i think the drinks tonight made me realise that i'm still human after all, that i'm not God's superheroine all the time even though i'd like to think i am and nothing can make me cry ever again. i resolved to just let things slide and take things as they come. i will, as long as i don't end up hurting anyone in the process. cold wars suck. talk it all out, i say. why else did God give us mouths and tongues for?

don't be afraid to say what you really think or feel, you. if you don't like me or you just see me as some annoying little girl who's stuck in her own little fantasy world, just say it. i won't commit suicide. i don't like being left in limbo, though i suspect nothing said will really help. being the stubborn fool i am. but at least if you say something, i can start to let go. sister is a start.

bahhhhhh i am gonna sleep now. i hope i don't regret anything i've typed here tonight or said to anyone tonight when i wake up perfectly sober and sane tomorrow morning. i can't claim to disclaim anything i've said or done, but i admit i am probably a little high or low now, depending on how you see it.

2:59 AM;
0 red rose(s) just for you.
butterflies and zebras.
kelly marie ang
7 november 1987
kelly.ang@gmail.com
chij tp/acjc
nus arts
IHM * zion's joy
kent ridge hall * b-blocker
elizabeth arden-green tea
ralph lauren-glamorous
body shop-white musk
161cm tall


now she's walking through the clouds:
i hope you still feel small
when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes,
i hope one more opens
promise me you'll give faith
a fighting chance

and when you get the choice
to sit it out or dance
dance, _____
i hope you dance.


1 corinthians 13:4-8
love is patient, love is kind.
it is not jealous,
love is not pompous,
it is not inflated,
it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick-tempered,
it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing
but rejoices with the truth.
it bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
love never fails.


movies and fairytales:
when you have to look away
when you don't have much to say
that's when i love you
i love you, just that way.
to hear you stumble when you speak
ir see you walk with two left feet
that's when i love you
i love you; endlessly.


ami.

the little rocks
god's rhinos
YES camp 2006
zion's joy
alison
angela
carol
chelsa
cheryl
chingjoo
cH
dee
en
huili
jeanne
john
julie
khin
liting
lynette
melissa netto
michelle lee
nick tay
sam li
shane
sherman
stella
trina
xiufen
yisi
yongxi


circus mimes.
March 2005
 April 2005
 May 2005
 June 2005
 July 2005
 August 2005
 September 2005
 October 2005
 November 2005
 December 2005
 January 2006
 May 2006
 June 2006
 July 2006
 August 2006
 September 2006
 October 2006
 November 2006
 December 2006
 January 2007
 February 2007
 October 2008

i hope you dance.

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