today was a relatively good day, in several respects!
had a productive day studying in the library.
had a good time of sharing all throughout the day.
and God really comes and speaks to me in such non-obvious ways. then when i realise it i'll be like, whoa. amazing. like how Dan was reminding me in the library that we love God when we realise that God loved us first, and that God doesn't love us because we love him. then during mass, one of the songs had the exact same line. coincidence? nah, don't think so.
as i was sharing with several groups of people today, it struck me how different God's ways are from the ways of the world. how difficult it is to do what God wants me to do as compared to what the world preaches about what we should do with our lives. that seeking God's will is usually not congruent with what the world says we should seek.
i mean, i was just sharing very briefly about what's currently going on in my life now, the rough situation minus the details. and not just today, i think i've been sharing with some of my closer friends throughout the week as well. the very fundamental thing everyone tells me to do is to move on and forget all about everything. after all they say, he doesn't know what he wants and there're so many other fishes in the sea. why bother with one halibut when there're schools of parrotfish elsewhere? move on, forget everything, move on, forget everything. everyone says the same thing. you deserve better. you don't deserve to be treated like that. you shouldn't waste your life and energy and feelings on just this one thing. move on. in the perception of the world, you shouldn't love someone who doesn't love you too. you should instead, move on to someone else where the lovey feeling is mutual.
but after everything that's happened, after all the thought processes i've been through, after all the conversations i'd had with God and with everyone involved, i can't say i can fully agree with what my friends have been telling me with all concern for my well-being. i might have thought in the past that loving someone who doesn't feel the same way for you is rather stupid. that you should transfer that feeling of affection and care and concern and just basically love to someone else who you think you have a higher chance of having that feeling reciprocated. but real love isn't about transferring feelings from one person to another just cos you think you have a better success rate where a relationship is concerned. love isn't about giving up all you feel for someone just cos the someone doesn't feel the same way or doesn't do things to show you that all the time. i'm becoming more and more convinced that to love someone essentially means that you want the best for the person, even if it comes at the expense of your own well-being. it means you're generous with your time and everything else, it means that you're patient and are willing to wait when told that now's not the time for a relationship. and no, i don't think it's stupid to wait because what i'm essentially doing is just waiting for God to show me what he wants me to do. not wait for the relationship i want to come, but wait for God to slowly unveil his plan for me. love is about putting the other person before you in every single way, love isn't about expecting the other person to constantly call you or message you or reassure you of his love for you, love isn't about expectations, period. on the contrary, love is accepting the other person for everything he is, faults and all, and not seeking to change him to the ideal boyfriend you always had in your mind.
all these i've just said, they run totally contrary to what popular culture paints love as. and a lot of my friends really think i'm crazy or have lost my mind. they think i'm being a stubborn prick and deluded fool who's clinging on to some shreds of a ghost of a relationship she sees in the horizon. and it's hard to stick on to my conviction that God will make something good out of this slightly messy situation when everyone around you is telling you that you're an idiot. the derision you receive, the what the hell responses you get, the rolling of eyes you see - it's all not easy.
Kelly, they say, give it up. move on, some other guy will catch your eye.
Kelly, they say, don't be an idiot anymore. why continue feeling for him when he doesn't feel the same way?
Kelly, they say, just cut all contact and live out your life in hall. after all, seeing each other everyday won't help things. change church if you must, even. just end it all.
Kelly, God says, remember what love is and how i love you. why run away when i've promised you all will be well in the end? if you think you feel idiotic for loving someone who doesn't feel the same way, how do you think i feel? i love you all so much, and yet for every one of you who loves me back, there are a thousand others who don't.
Kelly, God says, isn't it good that this whole process is purifying the love you have and teaching you what love really is? it's painful, yes. i never said following me would be easy. but at the end of the process, you'll have grown so much that the Kelly you knew before everything began would have been barely recognisable to the Kelly that emerges after everything's over.
i'd be lying if i said i totally didn't want a relationship right now. i'm human, i have my wants and desires. i want companionship, i want to feel loved. i want so many things. but when God's telling me that now is so not the time for a relationship, what i want becomes secondary. it's not that that desire is gone, it's just been superceded by what God wants of me. which, again, is contradictory to what the world says we ought to do with our lives. fulfill your own desires is what we're told to do. consumerism is all about satisfying material wants with consumerables. the hollywood notion of a 'true love' is all about satisfying your desire for a relationship that could be anything but love filled but lust filled instead and taking proactive steps to fulfill this want.
but what God wants me to do isn't to take proactive steps in my life to satisfy my different needs and wants. he wants me to be proactive, but not in the way described above. he wants me to be proactive in seeking his will, and then be totally receptive to what he reveals to me. this requires a lot of patience, a lot of faith, a lot of blind trust in God. it's hard to say yes to something you know nuts about. how can you say okay to someone who hasn't even told you the specifics of his favour yet?
i don't know what God wants of me, i really don't. and i really don't care if the world thinks i'm a total loser for not trying to end my misery by giving up and moving on in life. but it's both wonderful and frustrating at the same time to realise that God's way is really very very different from the way of the world. the discrepency is
enormous, and no, i am not exaggerating. i don't care if people think i'm crazy for insisting on loving when i know i'm at the losing end of things. after all, just forget it all and 'love' someone else who 'loves' you too. self-gain.
i'm using the word 'love' unabashedly all throughout this post because i realise the extent of what loving someone means and what loving someone entails, and i think what i've been doing or trying so hard to do comes closer to love than to like. i like you because you're cute and you make my heart go on a rampage when i'm near you. i love you because you're so imperfect as a human being and it's the imperfection that makes me love you. i love you because of the goodness i see in you and the vulnerabilities that don't escape my eye, i love you because of the flaws i see in you and because i see God in you as well. paradoxical, but they're all tied to the same thing. that i love not because you're nice to me but because you're the hardest person to love. when i have to swallow my pride and arrogance and show my weaknesses just to explain and show you what i feel or think - that's when i love. i love you because you don't like me and that makes it all the harder for me to love, and when i realise i still do, it makes me love you all the more because i realise what love is.
so profound, so complicated, i honestly think i haven't done the concept of love any justice at all though after rambling for so long. all i know is that love doesn't depend on the reciprocation, like does. and that makes the world of a difference to me. call me deluded, whatever. but when one learns to love without the expectation of reciprocation, one learns to love as God loves us all.
