Monday classes suck. geog lab just now was the first class i attended for the day. i should've left Mondays free, dammit. couldn't drag myself out of bed for Japanese studies tutorial this morning cos i had a damn bad headache. and a stomachache too. i just wanted to die in bed. new media lectures are a permanent webcast fixture on my timetable now. i think i'm gonna have to give up the 5% reaction papers cos i cannot bring myself to go for lecture, ever. Dee was right, doing a module alone is so difficult! i can't motivate myself to go for lectures. ahhhhh howw.
i have webcasts to do but i'm so tired.
i did several silly things over the weekend. things i ought not have done, things i should have known better than to do.
what Kelly did that was so silly:1. sprayed perfume into my eyes. damn pain lah. i will remember to check the direction of the nozzle before just squirting into anywhere.
2. had several late night chats. bad for my body. as it was, i was already not feeling very well. staying up late just aggravated the distress on my already not-too-well body.
3. brought back all my books and didn't study at all. wth right. should've just left everything in hall.
4. got pissed off with my sister over something small. never never again. i love my sister too much.
5. skipped Japanese studies tutorial. i should've gone no matter how close to dying i felt.
6. pissed my mom off one of the days (can't remember which already), which just made her grouchy the entire weekend. it is thoroughly unpleasant living with warring parents.
i can't think of anymore things i did which are worth mentioning here.
my ears are bleeding cos i scratched too hard. my lips are peeling cos they're too dry. my eyes are watery possibly cos of the lack of sleep, and also possibly cos i rubbed them too hard. i am NOT in a state of physical well-being now.
haha i think actually i'm quite in an okay mood today, besides the headache buzzing around in my brain. think it's cos i've been doing lots of quiet time, talking to God, loving God, and just believing in all he has in store for me. as i was telling some friends yesterday, i can't explain it but there's a surety in my heart that all will be well in the end, that's why i'm not suicidally depressed or anything, being given potential reasons to drive myself to the brink of insanity in my own head. one of the readings in the week reminded me that God wants us to be happy, happy in him. if God wants me to be happy, who am i to decide to be unhappy? it's just slightly masochistic to wallow in my sadness/depression/upset-ness/confusion/complication/whatever instead of lifting it all to God and trusting that he has a plan for me that will make me happy.
i'm not saying i'm some superheroine with the ability to appear like all's well and i'm happy and strong when i'm not inside. i'm not acting, i'm not pretending. i'm really just like that. i don't appear like all's well, all's really fine with me now and i'm at peace with myself. but at the same time, i'm not exactly all alright inside, it's just that the muddled-up-ness doesn't affect me so aversely. i recognise the complication, i recognise the confusion, but i'm not letting myself be swallowed by all the turmoil raging. do i make sense? hmm. i dunno. i think maybe not, it seems to be contradictory, whatever i said.
okay anyway.
i will try to explain myself again later. i am going to webcast for an hour or so then nap. i'm paying off my sleep debt now. sleeping at 230am and getting up at 6am is rather tiring. especially for a Monday morning.
