Kelly's Chinese New Year resolutions for 2007:i will stop talking about EVERYTHING and carry on as though nothing ever ever ever happened.
i will shut up and stop whining and musing. no more long rambly posts about love and sadness and all that nonsense. i am past that.
i will just smile and smile and smile, even though my cheeks may ache like crap after that. i will not cry anymore, will not expose my vulnerabilities again, will not say what's really on my mind or in my heart again. no bloody point talking about things that won't change.
i will love me, even if no one else will. not only will i stop talking about everything, i will stop thinking about everything and stop feeling anything about anyone. i
will put a stop to everything even if it kills me to. and if i can't stop it, i will just hide everything away until everything's over. no more, i say. it's been going on for too long, far too long. the way i see it, nothing's EVER gonna come out of this all, so i will just kiss everything goodbye and shove it all away.
i will put my life in order so that i can be here for my family.
i will put my cap in order so that i will graduate with a second upper honours, at least.
i will not be sidetracked by anything i might think, feel, or whatever human weaknesses. i will just throw myself into what i want to fulfill.
i will not succumb to my emotions ever again. i will not let what i feel get the better of me. i will wrest control over whatever i feel and if i can't, i will just chuck it all aside.
i will deepen my relationship with my Lord and actively seek to just follow his will for me in my life. i will not lose faith in his promise to me that he wants me to be happy and that whatever happens now may seem like absolute shit to me but is in actual fact, a very necessary process for him to give me what he intended for me initially. i can't see what he has in store for me, but i have
absolutely no doubt that everything he has planned for me will make me happier than i ever imagined myself to be.
i will never again allow myself to throw myself onto anyone, physically or emotionally. i will stand on my own two feet and rely on no one else but God. everyone has their own shit to handle. i will handle my own. i will keep my mouth shut and fingers from dialling numbers of people i feel i need to talk to because i am tired, so tired.
i will treat myself a lot better this year. i will take care of my body, take care of my emotions, and not let them run amok and hurt myself. i will eat when i feel like eating and drink a lot more water. my complexion is getting bad.
i will try, i really will. but if i can't, i will live with it all.
i am tired of everything, i really am. and all i want to do is stay home and hide in my room for a million, trillion years.
but no. i will not hide from the world.
a trip to the seaside is in order soon. i need to listen to the sound of the waves on the shore to soothe my frazzled nerves and feel the cool breeze on my face to feel alive. i should ask someone, anyone along for company, in case i do anything stupid if i become lost in my depression or the sudden mood-swings that hit me every now and then. but i doubt it lah, i'm too smart to do anything stupid heh. i'm too tired to ask anyone. i will just go myself and walk on the sand and be by myself. just me, the sea and God.
run, far far away. feel the wind on my face, my hair flying out behind me, nothing between me and everything else. run, just keep running. and when my heart can't take it no more, when it needs to stop to breathe, i will just throw myself high up into the sky and close my eyes, say a prayer, and tumble back down onto the green field and never wake up again. feel my legs moving quickly, pounding on the ground, feel my heart beating inside my chest, feel alive, and then, love the life i am living.
