i had an overwhelming desire to just delete this blog and move to a new address.
leave the traces of my old life in the back of my life and not be reminded of the semblences of what used to be.
but then i didn't, for several reasons. the most crucial reason was simply that i was far too lazy to move. to edit the html for a new blog, get another address for the new blog - so much hassle. i might do that sometime later this week though, when all the visiting's over and i get to sit down and enjoy my term break.
and then, what about my friends who read my blog? those who care for me and use the blog as a way to see what's going on in my life? my blog didn't start out like that, but it seems like it's become that in recent times. new media and its impacts on our lives man. i shall talk about it in my new media term paper.
so anyway. as i said. no more 'ohhh i'm so sad, i feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces' nonsense from me anymore. the sadness or hurt or whatever will remain wordless and at the back of my mind and heart.
i've been sleeping a lot lately. i think it's a form of escape, kinda, since i don't wanna think about things anymore, don't wanna talk about things anymore, don't wanna entertain any notion of anything anymore. and so, i just sleep it all away. which is good also, since i think i'm in the process of paying off a major sleep debt anyway. i dunno if all this is ultimately running away from whatever's on hand, and i don't wanna think too much about what i'm doing. overthinking things has its way of wrecking havoc on your emotions and messing with your head. clam it all up, i say. don't bother other people anymore. don't bother you anymore with things you can do nothing about. don't bother myself even, by thinking. just exist.
sighhhhhhh frustrating, how i still have a galaxy full of things to talk about and yet i don't want to bring myself to say anything anymore. i think sometimes girls tend to overtalk. for what? you bare your soul and your heart and in the end, you just get slapped right across your face. no wonder people clam up in the later years of their lives. when you've been hurt once or twice before, you tend to learn your lesson and remember not to expose your vulnerabilities again. i don't wanna become like some bitter, grouchy old auntie next time who can't express herself except by snapping at her little nieces or nephews, wishing she'd fallen in love and stayed in love when she was still an idealistic girl and becoming all the more bitter at that. no wonder old people sometimes don't fear death cos they've already lived such a long life that all they want to do is rest and take a break from everything. do i fear death? perhaps i do, i'm scared of how dying will feel like. but i really do look forward to the respite it'll grant me from everything going on now, the nothingness and the disappearance of the scars that threaten to not leave me and remain there, ugly and jarring.
i still believe, i still do. only that whatever it is, i stick to whatever's been said previously: shut the hell up Kelly. not just tonight, but every single night from now on.
i foresee this blog will start to see a lot more activity soon cos since i am going to attempt to not bring things up to you or anyone ever again, i might have to turn to here and talk about random, possibly puzzling things that'll make sense to no one but me - but i think it'd be better that way. of course, if people ask me about things, i'll tell them (in no more than 150 words), summarized and quick, then just drop it all again. I TALK TOO MUCH FOR MY OWN BLOODY GOOD AND I WILL NOT ANYMORE. yeah.
