whenever i listen, i feel so close.

and i get lost in my thoughts and wander about in the mazes in my head. there're glass mirrors everywhere and they trick me - it's all just a mirage. and i know it, somehow. can feel it, somewhere.

close my eyes and just get lost in the music and the lyrics, where things seem clearer and sadder and feelings come out beautifully instead of in hesitant bits and pieces.




i know what it means to live like there's no tomorrow. the depth of the phrase hit me this morning when i was walking to the biz library to meet Stef and Chelsa to study. you do everything you wanna do today instead of procrastinating it to tomorrow, because tomorrow might never come. you say whatever you wanna say today, you live through every second as though it might be your last and you don't waste your time on useless things that shouldn't warrant much of your attention in the first place. you tell whoever you love that you love them, even if you never intended to express your feelings so openly. you smile at those who make you happy to show them that they do make you happy, you reach out a hand to touch those who you've been dying to give a hug to cos you wanna show you care - so much. you call up your loved ones when you feel like it and not tell yourself, i'll do it tomorrow, i'm too tired tonight.

sometimes all you wanna say is in your eyes and nothing you say can convey whatever you wanna say. sometimes you know what you're feeling, but there're no words to describe it.
i'm not defeated or giving up 2 days after the conviction i had that all would be well. i still do know all will be well, but as the days pass and blend into each other and a sense of prevalent normalcy threatens to rob the weekend of its special significance, i need to cling on tighter and tighter to God's promise that all will be alright. alright not in the way that i define it, but in his way. i was waxing lyrical about impatience and the importance of patience on Monday when i met Chels in Clementi to get books, but i'm only human and i'm so desperately impatient for a change to take place - just like that with a snap of my fingers. and yet i'm also so desperately sure that God does things in his own time. so it's just my human nature surfacing in me and trying to dictate my thoughts and rationality, it's perfectly normal for all of us to have to constantly struggle to put this human nature down and live in the now of God and not the now of me.


i'd give up forever to touch you
cos i know that you'll feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now
all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
cos sooner or later, it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight
and i don't want the world to see me
cos i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.
you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
you bleed just to know you're alive.
*Iris//Goo Goo Dolls.


i don't, and yet......
i want to sing a song.

3:30 PM;