today passed by in a total blur. i was so tired and my eyes hurt so bad and my head hurt so bad too and i just floated from class to class. i didn't know i looked so bad until Mel called me and asked what the hell happened to me, cos i looked as if i wanted to die and take the whole world along with me.

nah. haha. don't wanna die. and don't wanna take the whole world along with me if i do either.

sent Shaun off at the airport after class today. i felt so sad for him! 5 years! i can't imagine how he must've felt, cos i mean i'm away from home for just a week in hall and i'm already so homesick. and i still have my friends with me. but if you go overseas, you're alone. you have to start anew. it's scary. to leave behind your loved ones and only remember them in your head when you're away.

cleaned up my room when i got back. don't know why i suddenly felt like cleaning up my room, but i think it has to do with getting rid of the dustballs in my life. it's like, you know, you have to clean out the clutter in your life, and this desire manifests itself as a desire to physically clean up your surroundings. swept the floor, cleaned the curtain blinds with wet tissue, cleaned the dust caterpillars off the fan, wiped down the tables and most other surfaces in my room with water, threw out a bag full of garbage from my table - and there's still plenty of clutter in my room left. i think it's an ongoing process, you have to keep cleaning to keep the room clean. similarly, i have to keep cleaning out the clutter in my life to keep my life clutter free. or the dust caterpillars will just collect on the fan again and spin yucky black caterpillars of dust all round the room.

there's much on my mind at the mo but i'm not overly troubled. i do wonder why i've let myself slip still, why i let my thoughts run away with me. when you already know that the truth is a cruel one, you still let yourself be swept away by your wishes and wants and in the end, the fall back down is so sharp, so painful, so jarring that my ass still hurts from the tumble back down on the ground. i told myself to never let my guard down again, to never expect anything cos when you don't expect, you don't feel crushing disappointment, nor do you have to live with the knowledge that you practically lived in a fantasy world you created for yourself. even if i only let myself live in that bubble world for the shortest time ever, fact is that i did allow myself to, and that overnight stay in that wonderful, fantastical world of dreams resulted in devastation. never again will i even let myself imagine that you know, that maybe dreams do come true after all. it's too hard to face the cold reality afterwards. i don't wanna become cynical, i don't wanna be distrustful, i don't wanna live in a painful, spartan world where dreams don't exist and you only allow yourself to live in the now of the place and not a maybe of the future. but i fear i'm slowly becoming like that, and i don't know what i can do to stop it. yes, even though i'm not depressed now or crying my eyes out from sadness or whatever, i still do have these random thoughts of 'silly Kelly, what the hell were you doing? what the hell were you thinking? you let yourself imagine that dreams come true, and see what's happened?'

tired. shall sleep soon. soci tutorial is rather annoyingly difficult.


i'm here, just like i said
though it's breaking every rule i ever made
my racing heart, it's still the same
why make it strong to break it once again?
and i'd love to say "i do",
give everything to you
but i could never now be true
so i say,
think i'd better leave right now
before i fall any deeper
think i'd better leave right now
i'm feeling weaker and weaker
somebody better show me how
before i fall any deeper
think i'd better leave right now.
i'm here, so please explain
why you're opening up a healing wound again
i'm a little more careful
perhaps it shows
if i lose the highs, at least i'm spared the lows
now i tremble in your arms
what could be the harm?
to feel my spirit calm?

i wouldn't know how to say
how good it feels seeing you today
i see you've got your smile back
like you say, you're right on track
but you may never know why
once bitten, twice as shy
if i'm proud
perhaps i should explain
i couldn't bear to lose you again.
*leave right now//will young


i just cried and cried and cried when i heard this song. i am rather emotional still, sadly. i should be fine in a few days though.

3:08 AM;