i'm back in hall.
back to all the hall rubbish - yes, rubbish i say, because that's what this all is, to me now.
but i'm determined to see through this sem the best i can, keeping whatever commitments i can fulfill and firmly telling the rest that i really cannot do that i'm sorry, i can't.
prayed about this during the retreat and decided that this is the best thing for me to do. even though it would make a lot more sense to so many others to just give it all up, cos i mean hey, i'm probably not even gonna be staying in hall next semester, so why bother? it's not a points issue to me anymore, it's an ethical thing.
to me, quitting would be taking the easy way out of everything. dropping everything would be so much easier, i could live with the knowledge that everyone thinks i'm some irresponsible shit. but quitting every single thing now would be selling out to myself, and i have to stop doing that. have to stop selling out to what i believe in, and stick to my guns no matter how tough the going gets.
praying about everything just put things in perspective for me and made things so much clearer. things like ham and smu and wardrobe, i can still do. hall production's a little iffy, but i'm determined to do what i can for that. i'm ruling myself out of soccer because i don't want my gums to bleed again, my dad says i shouldn't train for a month or so and not exert physically. so i'll not go back to training. cheer comm was something i got haphazardly roped into and wasn't something i'd actively sought out to join, and i recognise that i can't commit to it. so i'm pulling myself out too.
and i'm 100% commited to God and my schoolwork this semester. i'm seeing a lot of things in a new perspective now, and it's really good how my mind's clearer.
i'm quite at peace with myself even though not all's well. there's a difference between peace and okay. peace is acceptance of
everything because of the knowledge that all will be well even if it isn't now. okay is just getting by day to day. and we're not called to merely get by day to day, i realise. we're called to fullness in life in God and that means having the faith that God will work in our lives for our good. as i said,
i want to live like there's no tomorrow. life to the fullest, nothing less for me.
ohh yes i wanted to blog about the retreat. it was really good for me, personally! God was so real to me, God spoke to me and i spoke to God, i fell in love and i don't know when i'm going to fall out of love. it's this feeling that you wanna keep being with someone, keep wanting to talk to him and share your life with him, you can't help but smile when you think about him and you are filled with so much joy whenever you think about him. it's exactly like falling in love with a mortal person, only so much more beautiful because you know he loves you so much too!
i was indeed blessed to have met the people who conducted the retreat - Srs Edwina and Cecily, Petrine and Geri. they touched me so greatly and left such a big impact on me and i think it was a turning point for me. God spoke to me in the silence of the long, beautiful night, through the people all around me, through incidents that seemed insignificant but on hindsight have so much inherent meaning, God spoke to me through the Bible and in my dreams, God spoke to me for the first time in a long long time and i was so happy. i still am, and i don't know when i'll stop.
you know, even though things seem so normal now, it mayn't necessarily be the case. as i mentioned once before, sometimes the right 3D glasses are needed to see beyond the wavy reds and greens to the picture behind. and yet, even with the knowledge that all is not well now, i'm still not afraid because God's in full control of everything. of every word i'm gonna say, of what i'm gonna do for the day, of how things will turn out, everything. he knows who i'm gonna marry, even if i don't and i have no clue now. he know when and how i'm gonna die, whether i'm gonna die tomorrow or 50 years from now, whether i'm gonna die in a car accident or in my sleep in old age. God knows what i'm gonna name my child and how my child would look like, he knows who i care for so much even if they don't, he knows who i dislike even if i try to keep it from myself. he knows everything, i'm just coming to terms with that reality cos it's so vast and huge and so true.
i'm glad i went for the retreat rather alone, or as i would say it, girlfriend-less, because it pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me susceptible and more vulnerable, which as a result made me a lot more open to everything. to the sessions, to the quiet time, and ultimately to his soft voice in my heart. if i'd been with say, Chelsa or Cheryl as it had been in the past, i'd have ended up nattering away to them and not really getting anything out of the sessions or the quiet time. and in the past, quiet time used to be just time for me to get lost in my thoughts about certain issues and i couldn't focus on finding God. but this time, for some reason or the other, i could really silence everything else and i found God, i really did! if someone asked me what i got most out of the whole retreat, i'd say "i met God and said more than just a hello!"
i think it's a combination of everything's that happened that allowed me to finally find God in my heart this time. the fiasco at home the day before the retreat really really helped me align my thoughts and focus, will you believe it! i could relate the entire incident to everything happening in my life now.
see, when i dropped the bottle on the floor and made a complete mess out of the kitchen, that was when i made a mess in my own life. then when i tried to clean up the mess in the kitchen, that was me trying to clean up the mess in my own life.
when i tried to call my parents to ask for help cos i didn't know what the hell to do, that was me trying to call God to ask for help.
and when my parents didn't pick up the phone, that was God seemingly not answering.
when i started to try to clean up by picking up the biggest pieces of glass on the floor, it was me trying to clear out the biggest problem by tackling it straight on in the hopes that everything would be alright after that.
but even after taking the biggest pieces out, the mess was still there. same. even after tackling things head on, the problem was still there. but i just thought i'd 'cleaned up' cos i mean, i'd thrown away the biggest visible piece of glass anyway. same thing in my life. i'd charged head on into the hugest issue in my life, i felt.
so i turned away from all the tiny million shards of glass on the floor and the oil still everywhere, telling myself i'd already cleaned up and i was done. likewise, i turned away from the remaining things in my life and told myself i'd cleaned up and was alright.
but i knew somewhere at the back of my head that if i stepped into the kitchen again, i'd step on the oil and glass and i'd hurt. likewise, i knew somewhere in the bottom of my heart that if i stepped into the whole thing again, i'd still get hurt cos the tiny glass shards were still everywhere.
all i wanted was for my dad to come home cos i knew that when he did, everything would be alright cos he'd know exactly what to do to clean up the mess. likewise, all i wanted was for God to come back because i knew that if he did, everything would be alright cos he'd know what to do, simply cod he's God.
and when my dad came home, i was so happy cos i knew that even though the mess was still there, he'd be able to clean it all up. when i found God, i was so happy cos i knew that even though the mess is still there, he'll take care of it all.
so many parallels, it's amazing! i journalled it all down and i still have plenty to say but i gotta run for my new media lecture now.
