I AM TIRED. boooo. my brain is fuzzy and i can't keep my eyes open and all i want to do i sleep the day away. especially since it's raining and i've been having such nice dreams lately and i never want to leave my dream world cos it's so much more comforting, so much more close to the reality that i want.

but. there's work to be done. facil reshuffling for YES needs to be done and OH I WANT TO JUST SLEEP.
i don't wanna go anywhere today, don't wanna leave home, don't wanna do anything. laziness is something i have to overcome one day i think.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand. i've been thinking a lot lately but all the thinking hasn't helped me one bit. if anything, it's only made me a lot more confused. i don't know what i want anymore, which makes pursuing it even harder. even reading the Bible makes me confused cos it seems to say one thing one day and another thing the next. maybe it's cos my mind and heart's not at peace with each other so what the heart wants, the mind doesn't. so conflict takes place and makes me feel uncomfortable all over. it's damn hard to switch off the voice from the heart and just do what the mind says, and it ends up taking a lot of feeling out of everything i do and say. but i'm scared. i don't wanna get hurt again through no one's fault but my own, i don't wanna hurt anyone, i don't want anything i do or say to cause pain or irritation or annoyance or whatever to anyone - myself included.

i wonder, when you look into my eyes do you see what i wanna say? do you see what my heart longs to spit out even as i wrestle with my brain to make the words the brain wants to say come out through my mouth? irrationally, illogically, incomprehensibly, the heart seems to not care to a certain degree about getting hurt. that's the beauty and the terrible thing about the inner world of emotions. it's the brain that tempers what the heart feels because the brain's afraid, afraid of getting hurt because of things that i allow myself to say, think, feel or do. if i didn't listen to what my mind told me, i'd be doing so many stupid things and allowing myself to fall so deep that i couldn't get out. which, i foresee will be a veritable disaster because of certain assumptions i assume to be valid. i know we shouldn't make assumptions, but some assumptions are made to protect ourselves, aren't they? you tell yourself certain things and you make yourself believe certain things so you won't fall into the trap of delusion and fantasy - which could potentially make you miserable and potentially neurotic (because that's what neurotic people do - they make themselves unhappy and are perpetually depressed)

and yet, i'm not depressed this time round. far from it. i'm certainly not overjoyed or deludedly happy that i'm gonna live out my fairy-tale, and there's a certain certainty that God'll make all well. i know i've repeated that line dunno how many million times, but at the end of the day when i've exhausted my mind and all it's possibilities and warped theories, that promise that God'll clean up the glass bits and mess on the kitchen floor is all i can cling on to. really. and you know, while on one hand i'm afraid to love or even like, i want to love like i'm not afraid, i really do. i don't want to inhibited by my own assumptions, i don't want to put on a front that's essentially not me. i want to throw myself into loving and not be afraid that i'll get hurt, i want to love wholeheartedly and with a pure intention and not hold back because again, i'm afraid to get hurt by my own actions. oh, the irony of it.

live like there's no tomorrow
dance like no one's around
sing like no one's listening
give like i have plenty
love like i'm not afraid
be the woman i was meant to be
be the way i was made.


i was made to love. i know it. so why be afraid?

2:16 PM;