got back from the YM retreat today.
it was. the BEST retreat i've attended in my 19 years on this earth. seriously honestly truthfully. it wasn't a fun retreat by any conventional means. it was good because it was so painful. and no, i am not a sadist by any means. i don't enjoy inflicting pain on myself, nor do i get high when i'm suffering. but God has a way when He works in people, and more often than not, His way doesn't promise roses and violets and lovely crocuses or poppies along cobblestoned roads. God's way often involves us realising ugly truths about ourselves, us coming face to face with issues we've buried deep inside us that still give us so much hurt and pain still whenever we uncover them.
i had such a real experience of God during the retreat that even now, i'm so.. so.. amazed and all i want to do is go back to my conversation with God i'd been having since QT last night. i probably sound a little wonky, like huh why does she want to talk to herself kinda thing. but really really, when you've really had a REAL experience of God in your life, you just never want to stop talking to Him. you just want to spend all your time nattering away to Him and listening to what He has to say to you and oh, i'm so in love, i really am.
i'm so blown away by what He has revealed to me, by what i've come to really feel with my heart and mind and every part of me, by how loved i am despite of my greatest weaknesses, by how convinced i am that God'll clean up the oil spill in my life even though i just can stand there and look at the mess wanting to cry and i don't have the words to say anymore even though i know there's a whole ocean of things to say. this is the depth of my conviction, it's incredible.
i feel somewhat grown up, somewhat changed, somewhat like a new person. yes, even though i'm still me with all the same vulnerabilities and weaknesses and likes and dislikes and talents and strengths, even though some semblence of the little girl still resides somewhere in me and though she wants to come out to play sometimes, i recognise that i'm growing up and i'm no longer just a little girl anymore.
i was told that i look like a delicate, frail, sweet, pretty little thing with absolutely nothing inside my head except fluff. with a million dollar smile and pretty little voice. but somehow someone's managed to see past all that outward appearances and she used the words "you're a strong woman inside" on me.
woman. i daren't even think of myself as a woman yet, and yet i fear i'm becoming that sooner rather than later. i've learnt so many things over the course of the last year, 2006. really damn a lot. and so much of what i've learnt was so terribly painful. and yet that's the beauty of it, i'm me now because of what's happened. i'm me now, cracked and delicate still because of the time i've been dropped and yet i wouldn't be me if the cracks weren't there.
you've been so much a part of my life, even though i don't even talk to you now. it's so strange but it seems like there's something more to be uncovered out of everything, so much more to be discovered - beautiful things. like a rainbow through the storm. i'm so sure, i know it as fact, i know God will help me even though i don't know what to say beyond the gulf.
more about the retreat tomorrow, i'm dead tired.
the spiritual deepening over the 2 days have started to take its toil on my body, and all i need to do is rest. strangely enough, the thing i kept thinking about last night before i fell asleep was:
if you can imagine it, you can believe it. it doesn't make sense to my logical mind but maybe my subconscious knows so much better than my conscious self knows?
i leave you tonight with my motto that ended up sounding a little poetic and slightly like a Chris Tomlin song that was someone else's motto.
Kelly's mottoi want to live like there's no tomorrowi want to love until foreveri want to sing a song i writei want to see the sun & feel the wind & say hello to God in my hearti want to make you all as happy as i cani want to smile even through the tears.
