geog lab was suchhhhhhhhh a fiasco.
my group mates know nuts about geog, and they even seem to have trouble understanding what i say. for those 2 hours, i was wondering if i was speaking English or some other weird alien language.
killmenowplease. we have an assignment due next week and i just hopehopehope that everything'll go fine. i insisted on collating the answers and submitting so i could have a final look at everything. I NEED AN A. they probably think i'm being a Hermione but whatever man.

just did my laundry! for the first time in a long time! had damn a lot of clothes to wash cos Carol stayed over on Wed and she left a lot of her dirty stuff here. the whole washing machine thing was full! ahaha i dunno, washing clothes just made me feel happy. it's the feeling of cleaning out the dirty things in your room and i guess it seemed to me that i was cleaning out the dust in me too, somehow?

i'm tired! surviving on 2 hours of sleep is no joke okay! my brain's so fuzzy and i think if i nap i might not wake up for volleyball later. and i'm supposed to go for soccer training later! hall is just.. too many things to do. all the activities, scurrying around - for what, in the end? at the end of 4 years in hall, are you a better person by any stretch? sigh i dunno. i know all my complaining's completely useless. i whine so much, bitch so much, and yet i don't pull myself out of hall. something's flawed here isn't it?

sleepy, hungry, bored, and yet so much to do! the paradox of it all.
sometimes i feel like i'm being a horrible person to the core. the things i do or fail to do, the people i hurt unintentionally, the things i say, the tantrums i throw, the inherent bitchiness that's a part of me, i hate them all. and i dunno, if in pursuing your own happiness you end up crushing others' and hurting them, is it worth it at all? of course, the text book answer would be well, if your friends aren't happy, you can't be truly happy anyway, so of course you shouldn't do things like that. and yet, i wouldn't be completely honest with myself if i just said that. i mean, i have so many wants and desires, so many dreams and hopes that i cherish in my heart. would i be able to put all those aside for others? i wouldn't be able to, i think.

i used to think running away was an option. but it's not, really. cos in the end, when you're all alone before you sleep, ghosts of the past come back to haunt you sometimes and leave you feeling so unsettled, so miserable, like all's not well. even if you surpress it so well that you deceive yourself and everyone around you, even if you chuck it out of the window and swear that you'll never use a bamboo pole to retrieve it, it still comes back somehow. it's buried deep in your subconscious and only when you're sleeping and your guard is down, it comes out and prances around in your head once more. face up to it, move on, start anew. don't hang on the shreds of the past, they're just that. so much easier said than done, but at the end of the day you've got your whole life stretching out before you and whatever you've gone through is as much a part of you as all the spankings you used to get from your mother.

sometimes, life seems such a dream. things you never could conceive of do manifest themselves in wisps and sighs, and they touch you and leave you, wondering if you're lost in your own delusions or what. today was rather surreal. it was one of those days when you wonder whether you were really you yesterday, whether you were really alive yesterday, or whether it was but a dream. as a line from A Midsummer Night's Dream so nicely puts it:

if we shadows have offended
think but this, and all is mended
that you have but slumbered here
while these visions did appear;
and this weak and idle theme
no more yielding, but a dream.

i pinched myself hard this morning to see if i was alive. things seem so surreal, really. and it's the sheer normalcy of today that makes me wonder if i even did live through yesterday. things going on as they always do, nothing's out of place.

gonna nap.

2:22 PM;