we all make mistakes. everyone. i may make wrong choices half my life but when i do realise it i'll work my ass off the other half of my life trying to make some of the wrong right. i'm tired of everything. i know, i say that like all the time. but i truly am.

what could possibly make a 19 year old girl so tired right?

a lot of things can, amazingly. waking up at 645 every morning to go to hall to do rubbish surprisingly takes a lot out of me. coming back home and having to wonder whether my mother's gonna actually come back tonight also drains me. i wonder why. dealing with weird questions in my head just fricking kills me too. sometimes i just want to yell SHUT UP, KELLY.

i'm dealing with a lot now, so please don't give up on me. i'm trying to work things out slowly, so give me time. i'm trying not to crack and give in to wallowing in self-pity, so give me some love. i'm trying, period.

as i mentioned in a few posts before this, it's so hard to care for someone who doesn't seem to want to be cared for. when someone thinks you're the absolutely most annoying little mosquito on earth, what are you to do? even when you want to try to be nice, heshe just keeps swatting you away again and again, and in the end all that's left is frustration.

i ask myself, what would Jesus do? and more often than not, i come up with the undeniable answer that Jesus would love those that're hard to love. i mean, it's chicken feet to love and be nice to someone who's already nice to you because heshe loves you. but not anyone can love someone who's not quite as nice to you, and i'm being challenged to do that, i think.

if i had my way, i'd chuck all emotions out of the window and live perfectly cold and unfeeling for the rest of my life. it's so much easier in the long run. you don't have to feel so desperately crushed when your mother tells you "i don't live there anymore" and cry when you realise she isn't kidding one bit. you don't have to pretend things don't hurt at all when they do because you're supposed to be fine in all respects. sometimes hurts don't heal completely and when you realise it, it becomes all the more painful. i think i adopted temporary amnesia as a form of suppression mechanism because i forced myself to forget and just shoved all thoughts pertaining to whatever out of my head and filled my heads with other thoughts and made myself feel for other things.

i do not really make sense anymore, i think. oftentime, i know exactly what i want and i can even envision it in my mind. but i have so much trouble knowing even very faintly what to do, and it's no exception this time. i know what i wanna achieve but i have no clue as to what i have to do to get there.

i am more sad now than i have been in a long time. and yet, i'm glad i'm sad because this has made me rethink a lot of things and as a result, has driven me to want to refind God again somewhere in my heart. i know He's in there somewhere, i just misplaced His number and i need to search through my pockets to find the scrap of paper with it. and through this all i am still trying to come to terms with the fact that God loves me even though i'm so bloody imperfect and so so so flawed.

you see the depths of my heart
and you love me the same.

i must find it in me somewhere to love myself fully. i must find it in me somewhere to swallow my pride and just try to make things right, although i wonder how right they ever could be given circumstances. i must find it in me somewhere to throw away my hooded sweater so that i can face the world without my face covered because hey, i've got nothing to be ashamed of right? i think i'm more mortified at what had happened not too long ago sometime in June or July because i don't want anyone to see how plain stupid i was, and also i don't want me to see how dumb i was. i don't ever want to be so weak ever again, never want to have to take a deep breath and jump into the ice cold water again without a life jacket in sight, knowing the life jacket'll only be thrown to me when i've spent 2 hours in the icy water flailing about and wishing i was dead. i don't want anyone to see how vulnerable i can be, how pathetically idealistic and overly optimistic/pessimistic and deluded, ever. and yet, how ironic that i do the same things over and over. but i will learn, i hope. i'm revealing less and less of that side of me as i go along.

alright, i know in my head this is fundamentally wrong, because we ought not to hide who we really are. i wouldn't want to meet a put on front of any of my friends, that's for sure. i think perhaps this will be temporary? sometimes putting things in words make things sound more stupid then they really are. sometimes hearing stuff that's happened in the past from someone else's lips makes me want to curl up and die from mortification. but i need to learn to embrace that side of me as well, because as much as i'd like to pretend i never was so shitass dumb, i can't deny i was ever like that. God loves me, silliness and all. i don't, ironically. i want to be able to look back at the past with a smile on my face instead of with a oh-shit-not-again attitude.

blahhhh what a useless post. in all honesty, i dunno what's in my head and heart right now. i think the best representation of it would be this:

HSHKLDNO:HEWINDKLSNDOISHDISNDKLSN DE)H@)(U#()@HE NJXB*(YE*HESIONSXKSNBCX*DHDISNCXKSNCXNK)(YU)(EWYUWBDUIJSBNCXKXNIHSDHDISHADIOSNKZNXCKNXKLNZNCCLKNXKL()qwu

a total and complete mess of jumbled up characters and letters.

smu meeting tmr at 10. i feel like yelling screw it all and just try to put my life in order again. it takes two hands to clap though, and if i'm the only hand clapping nothing'll work.

oh and i know this is completely off tangent, but it's been raining the the entire evening and i'm so happy cos it reflects my mood. driving in the rain is fricking scary cos you don't see anything beyond a metre of your car and you have to crawl on the road at 40km/h and you can't see the markings on the road so you wonder whether you're on someone else's lane. no joke okay.

strike up the band let it play
love songs to haunt me
and i will stay
but when it comes to the waltz
both words and music will ring false
but you waltzed in and spun my world
you led me round in dizzy swirl
and suddenly you waltzed away from me
those violins they must go
some old careless hand with a bow
they play on the strings of my heart
and make me remember
how lovers part.
*the waltz//silje nergaard

3:04 AM;