my head hurts like crap. i think i drank too quickly just now. and i feel so shitty now.

drinking doesn't take your troubles away. actually i suspect that drinking magnifies your problems and makes you feel even lower than you were before cos it strips yourself of the barriers you've put up even to yourself and bares everything that you've been trying to surpress.

i think i'm alright. i thought i was, anyway. i thought i was dealing with everything fine, more than fine, actually. i thought i was doing a good job with living my life and not letting the things that hurt me get to me. but now i suspect not.

why's it that we can deceive everyone that we're alright, even ourselves? deception is not good. definitely. but i didn't even realise i was deceiving people until recently when i realised i've been deceiving myself about my mental and emotional state. i'd managed to convince myself that all was well in my life for a while, and actually i still would like to believe so and that tonight was just a blip on my recovery-meter. but i dunno.

argh why can't i just live in some idyllic spot alone with my pets and roses with my pal and Trina and just stay away everything else bad in the world?

it's not that i wanna hide things from people. i just don't open myself up anymore because i'm being cautious and i don't wanna slip and fall just as i think i'm on the road to recovery. but as a result, people end up thinking i'm cold and unfeeling and not-so-nice, but i can't help it. sometimes i wonder if i'm really that cold and unfeeling or if it's just a front i put up to protect myself. when all the people you like all don't like you, you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you or what. one can't be that luckless right.

but then again, maybe i just am plain silly. cos i mean, lots of relationships begin with both sides not necessarily feeling as strongly for the other. there're so many billion people in the world, what are the chances that you'll end up with someone who you like who likes you at first glance too? things usually begin when the person who likes the other makes a move and the other person is willing to give the relationship a try. i dunno if i could do that, though. i dunno if i could be with someone who likes me more than i like him.

okay that does it. i am not ready to get into any relationship right now. i still have issues to settle with myself and i don't know how long that'll take, really. i'm trying to make things normal for me again, but you just can't force things. you can't force conversations, you can't force friendships.

maybe one day, some months later or perhaps twenty, thirty years later, i'll know why everything happened because i'd like to think things don't happen for no reason. perhaps one day i'll be able to look back and really just laugh my eyeballs out over everything cos i was being such a silly goose about everything. i really didn't think i'd be affected even until now, really. i honestly honestly thought i was perfectly fine but argh i dunno why things i thought i'd chucked out of the window are resurfacing in me again. frustrating.

and i know people read this blog but i honestly couldn't care less anymore because i am too lazy to shift addresses. i think deep down inside i wanna tell people things, but i don't want to talk because i don't wanna appear vulnerable, so i use this blog as an avenue to tell people what's on my mind. i am such a complicated creature i don't know what i'm thinking sometimes.

and sometimes there's so much to say but there and then when you're looking at the teacup, all the words just evaporate and you're left with fluff in your brain. other times there's just nothing to say at all because words aren't enough to describe what you're thinking, it's just a whirl of emotions raging in your heart and nothing you say would come close to what you feel so you just don't say anything at all. so you rack your head for the words but by the time you do, you turn around and find that you're alone again, alone with the emotional hurricane in your head and no one to turn to.

omg i dunno why i'm being so emo, seriously.

on the way back just now, dad asked me why i was so upset and i told him everything in summary, to my horror and relief. horror because i'd never imagined i'd tell my parents about anything that's happened, about me liking blahblah and feeling so ugh now cos i've erected walls that i can't tear down overnight, about my feeling of uselessness in the core all the time that's eating at me cos i know i can do so much more but i dunno what's holding me back. and dad just looked so sad and held my hand and said that things will be alright in the end. and i felt so sad cos dad looked so sad, somewhat helpless at taking away his daughter's pain, and i wanted to die cos i felt like such a bad daughter. i shouldn't be making my dad feel worse, shouldn't be making him feel guilty about his inability to make things right for me again, shouldn't be burdening him anymore cos he's got enough on his plate now with the family threatening to crumble around us again. so i just told him i'm alright now after talking and forced a smile out. but you have no idea how gutted i was inside. shit i'm crying bucketloads now and i don't even know why exactly, really.

okay gotta pull myself together. full day tomorrow with two meetings and i need to get my act together, seriously. i thought i'd lost my sense of feelings but i think i just numbed them temporarily to get back on my feet again to face the world the best i could. i feel sicker than last night now, i think the emotional turmoil added on to my physical unwellness and i just feel super sick all over now.


i wish for a place, where the earth doesn't shake
and if the earth won't be still

then you and i will.



:(

2:34 AM;