it's really not that i don't wanna share with you, my dear.
i can't.
either there's nothing to say, or it's all been said before, or i have no words.


none at all for everything inside. which makes things harder for me cos i'm used to being able to put names to every single colour of the rainbow, words for every type of feeling a human could feel. and yet no words for the feelings inside.


i'm expected to be all right, i'm expected to bounce back quickly.
fine, good that you all think that way. good that i think that way of me too.
i'm a rubber ball. i bounce back no matter how hard you throw me.

no matter how mean you are to me, i will bounce back. no matter how much you dislike me, i'll bounce back too. even if the world collapses around me, i'll still bounce back twice as hard because that's the way i was made.
but what if one day, i stop bouncing back? what if one day you say something mean to me and i just burst into tears there and then cos there's no other reaction left except to give in to the sting of the meanness? what if one day the world crumbles around me and i fall to pieces too? what if one day someone throws me far far away and i never bounce back cos i got stuck on a thorn and the air all escaped and i can't bounce back even if i wanted to?

much too much to think about these days, and yet nothing really, when you think about it. (hah no pun intended)

i'm still inclined to tears rolling down my cheek whenever i think about certain things so i don't think all is rosy yet in the oil landscape of Kelly's emotions.

you know, don't care from afar. if you care for someone, show it. tell it. do it. don't just observe from far away and expect that person to know that you care. we're not psychic, as much as we like to claim sometimes that we are.
if you want to know something, ask it. that's my policy. i just fire away first and apologise later. but that usually gets me right to my point and i don't waste time beating round the bush talking about everything but whatever's important. if you wanna know about stuff i've blogged about, ask me. i won't bite. i just don't tell you because i don't want to waste your time with my little problems that i probably could have dealed with myself without having to ask for help. it's not that i don't want to share with you what's going on, really. i just subscribe to the policy that if you care, you'll ask me. i do that to those i care about, so i don't see why you should wait for me to tell you about me. i just don't do that to anyone. i suppose it's cos of the way i do things, that's why i see this whole thing about sharing in such a different light.

nothing personal, really. promise. just a general rant.


aites time to sleep. hair appointment tomorrow morning.

They pull up their chairs to the table
She stares at the food on her plate
At the toast and the butter
Her father, her mother, she pushes away

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

She gets home from school too early
And closes the door to her room
There's nothing inside her
She's weak and she's tired of feeling like this

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason
She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves
And her mother is starting to see through her lies
And last night her father had tears in his eyes

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
And we rise in the morning
And we sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

*She's Falling Apart//Lisa Loeb

4:18 AM;