i got my results today:
3.2!
A for MNO, B for film, B- for IT (surprisingly), C+ for stats (no surprise there) and C for econs (even lesser of a surprise). ran all around stupid NUS today to do the admin for my transfer from biz to arts. sucha pain in the ass, i tell you. so troublesome, inefficient and a terrible waste of time.
on one hand, i think my results are disgusting. i mean, a 3.2 is essentially a B- overall i think. two Cs are unacceptable, even if i knew i was changing courses. but on the other hand, i'm grateful for what i got cos i could've gotten so much worse results.
i think i'm falling sick. again. bloody hell. i feel terrible from top to toe, headaches, nausea, stomachaches, a sore throat, sniffles, UGH.
i am SO TIRED. i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm frightened because i don't know what the hell i'm doing and i don't know where everything's heading and sigh, i just wish for nothing. is it even possible to get into a relationship that you don't really want, firstly, and where the feelings aren't mutually strong for each other? i do not want to find out. i'm sick to my stomach and i just want to hide away at home away from prying eyes and expectations. confused, as usual. and so scared, for some reason. this feels wrong, i shouldn't be scared. but i'm so scarred and bruised from past failed experiences that i already carry with me the sad mentality that no relationship is ever gonna turn out right for me. that something's gonna go wrong somewhere along the line, that i'll ruin everything with my impulsiveness and my bluntness, that i'll cry ever again.
i remember one of the YES camps, Br Broughton gave a session about love. and he said something then that i never thought would strike a chord with me. he said that if we're afraid of getting hurt again and thus close our hearts off to love and other such vulnerabilities, we're short-changing ourselves cos we aren't living life to the fullest as we were meant to.
i don't want to shut myself off to my feelings for fear of being hurt, and yet i fear i'm doing just that now. i'm so tired, so lost, so scared, so bloody tired. i want to do so much and yet i just can't seem to put things into action. i think it's a matter of heart vs head, and i've since learnt to shut my heart off to decisions, cos more often than not, decisions made with the heart end up with deep feelings of hurt and pain after all's been said and done.
screw this all. i sound so cynical and bitter, as if i've been through one failed relationship after the other. ironically, i haven't even been through one failed relationship, so i don't know where all this cynicism came from. arghhh.
sometimes i really feel like just flying away to a nice elsewhere, where everyone doesn't know who the heck i am and they don't give two hoots about whether i'm behaving right or not. running away won't solve anything but i'm so tired i just need things to stop, if only for just a little while.
ohh and cousins' dinner tonight at Billy Bomber's at Marina Square. met up with the other cousins too, Marcus, Deborah and Jerome, and the usual gang: kor, Christian, Abriel, Kathy and Gillian. was delish and absolutely hilarious cos we ordered one of every one of the main courses on the menu and buttered mussels! so much food! the guys at the table did us proud as usual by finishing up almost all the food. welldone boys! :) haha.
then headed to Marcus's place to play several rounds of Gin Rummy and bridge. laughed so damn hard while we were playing and almost split my sides laughing.
crapppp i'm feeling really sick now. i wanted to stay up some more to read or whatever, but looks like i'll have to give in to my tiredness and hit the sack.
I NEED HELP.
