exams have been over since Monday! and i've been watching ANTM on youtube, playing Sims and going out since then. what a life man. i'm going to vivo in a while to shop some more. and i've been to vivo 3 times since last week already. i think it's time for a change of scenery. haha.
now that i'm so free i feel slightly lost! too much time on my hands. but it's so damn wrong to not know what to do with my time! i've been dreaming of the time after the exams ever since school began, and now that it's here i dunno what to do? no way man!
i know what i'm afraid of now. i have a commitment problem. everytime i get to close to getting into a relationship, i get cold feet and start to act funny. i either become super hot or super cold. and the almost-relationship just fizzles out. i'm terrified of commitment subconsciously i think. i hate to be answerable to ANYONE other than myself, hate having to go out every weekend cos that's what couples do, hate having to talk to him everynight or reply messages. underneath all the 'i hate this' pronouncements, i think i do it all cos i want to. but it's so tiring. i don't think i'll ever be ready for a relationship. flirting and dating's fine, no strings attached. the vulnerability that comes with being with someone is something i'd rather never have to face up to. imagine, your entire emotion-universe becomes ruled by that one person. when he makes you happy, you are happy, period. when he upsets you, you're completely upset and you need your girlfriends to help drag you back up. like hello, what happened to independence?
i used to hate it when people put up false strong fronts. especially when close friends do that. i'd think like, i know you're hurt, i can see you're upset - stop trying to hide it and admit it so i can comfort you!
but now i know. maybe you don't want comfort. maybe you don't need my sympathy and all you need is for me to recognise that you're upset and you're pretending that everything's alright. that you appear strong exteriorly to everyone else except me, and that vulnerability need not come to light. maybe, just maybe i'm like that too now. everything's fine and dandy now, but it wasn't, but i don't want you to know. i've been hurt, i've been crushed so bad, but i don't wanna dredge it all up to the surface of my consciousness again so all i say is, "i'm glad it's over. i can't stop thanking God everyday i'm me still." to smooth over the rough memories.
i recognised that what i did then was no different from what i hated. when you look at it this way, it does seem rather hypocritical.
it's ironic how after countless hisses of
ihateyous into the mirror, all i can do now is smile and say it's all fine now. it's not hypocritical. it's really all fine now. i think the
ihateyous got purged out of my system and all that's left is this. sometimes you practice a lifetime for one performance you've lived your life to give, and when that time comes, you do all the steps completely opposite from what you practiced. it happens.
vivo in a while! i shall go doll myself up now. i've decided that perhaps i wanna be a model.
