technology has really revolted against me. i got locked out of my room earlier in the night while on the phone with Tri.
bloody hell okay!
everything's going bonkers on me! the next thing i know, my phone's gonna explode in my hands or something.
last episode of ANTM today.
Danielle won! yay! she was my favourite after Sarah left. :) what am i gonna do on Monday nights now that ANTM is over? sigh. i think i shall go to my trusty youtube.com and watch previous cycles of ANTM. i love seeing the girls' photos, they always turn out so nice and glossy and nice. jealous! unlike those oh-so-pretty Americans, i do NOT photograph well at all.
argh my head is killing me. i think i'm coming down with the flu or something cos i've been sneezing and sniffling for a lot of today and yesterday. and my head's started pounding ever since i got back from the Fr William Goh talk at Holy Cross.
speaking of the talk. it was about heaven, hell and purgatory. how apt! cos the night before, i was just thinking to myself about death and what'll happen to me when i die. will i just lose consciousness painlessly, like how i drift into sleep at night? like is it a gradual process, that i'll know that i'm dying, or will it be a snap and it's over kinda thing? dead even before i realise that i'm dying? and when i die, what'll become of my consciousness, my mind? will it just hover in limbo until i meet God? or will it immediately be propelled into some state of being, purgatory, perhaps? will my mind know that i'm dead? or will it be living in some new life free of my earthly body? i've decided that if i die, i'd want my body to be cremated. just get rid of my body asap, thanks. don't bury me underground and wait for the maggots to eat my eyeballs out until i'm nothing but a coffin of bones. just burn me to ashes and get it over and done with. after all, once i'm dead my body becomes an empty shell. somewhat like the coccoon of a caterpillar. its coccoon becomes an empty shell once the creature inside emerges as a butterfly. new life, somewhat. does the butterfly care about what happens to its coccoon? i don't think so. it could be eaten up by locusts for it cares; it's nothing but an empty shell. i think similarly, my dying would render my body an empty shell of what i once was, cos my soul is not longer inside. but somehow, i still can't reconcile the idea of maggots chewing on my nose. too disturbing for me to want to fathom.
people always ask me what i want to be next time. i usually shrug and say "i don't know", because it's the easiest answer. but i already know what i wanna do next time. i wanna be a journalist, i wanna write a novel, i wanna write for National Geographic, i wanna study the animals in the jungles and rainforests and classify them into their species or whatever, i wanna breed fishies in my tank and take photos of their pretty colours, i wanna get married to a gorgeous specimen of a man whose heart as beautiful as he is and have 10 kids and live in a country house in the European countryside, i wanna be America's Next Top Model and live a glamourous jetsetting lifestyle and admire my pretty glossies after the shoots, i wanna watch Manchester United play in the Theatre of Dreams in Manchester and cheer my lungs out for Alan Smith in the stands, i wanna watch Kimi Raikkonen zip past me in his red Ferrari next season in the Sepang circuit in KL, i wanna eat crabs along the seaside with Tri and watch the sun go down.
so many things to do, so little time. and of course, there's always the overseas exchange i wanna do in my second year. so many possibilities. but really, do more possibilities always necessarily make us happier people? i think sometimes, people are the happiest when they have lesser possibilities and could choose from just a few options that they really and truly want.
going back on weekends and having Carol stay over practically the entire week last week made me realise how much i love my family. i'd only begun to realise it when i've been away from home the last 3 months or so. i never realised how much i loved my dad simply because he loves us all so much, doing things for all of us. i never realised how much i loved my mom because once again, she loves us all so much; her nagging is her way of showing she cares and i never appreciated it till now. i never realised how much i loved my sister simply for who she is, oh-so-cute and lovable and generous to a fault and such an adoring younger sister. i was thinking, what if God took away my entire family one fine day. would i still be able to say that i love Him? i think i'd find it very hard to still say that i do cos i love my family so much.
looks like i'll be spending a long time in purgatory, since my attachment to them is so strong.
