it's just one of those days when you don't feel like doing anything at all. and being physically unable to do things is quite a good excuse for lying in bed and hiding under my blanket, to be honest!
i woke up this morning, knew i had cramps, and cursed my ovaries and every other female part of my body. then after expending the last of my energy, i rolled over in bed and squeezed my eyes shut again and wished hard i weren't me.
sometimes i think making you feel physically unwell is God's way of making you stay still and realise that He's around after all. cos when you're constantly on the move, constantly thinking and doing things, you hardly have time to talk to God. but when you're stuck in bed with a spinning head and you can't do anything else cos everytime you sit up you feel like throwing up everything inside, you start to notice the silence, the sound of your own heart beating, and realise how amazing God is. and you start to have these long conversations with Him about what's been hurting, about academic woes, about how you need His help and love so badly in your life. last night felt a bit like that. i just spoke to God in the dark and listened to the silence with my heart and fell asleep knowing that God heard me and i'm not alone.
sometimes you wonder why you aren't more pretty, more smart, more funny, more whatever. but you never see what you
are. you wonder why people like someone else more, why don't they like
me more you think. but don't you see all the other people who love you for who you are? i've just been struck with this realisation. i always wonder why i'm not more anything, but am never happy with what i am. or perhaps i just fail to see that in me. but others see the good in me and love me. the people who matter, the people who care. everyone has their shortcomings, but no one has no good qualities! everyone's at least something good, i think.
last night's culture night performance was quite good. it struck a chord with me cos i think the entire story scenario isn't alien to anyone. girl A loves boy A. boy A likes girl B. girl B likes boy C. boy C likes girl B too. what's new about that? it's the quintessential love quadrangle in dramas all over the world. i think the moral of the story is just that sometimes you don't see that what you've been looking for all this while has been in front of you. and sometimes you just realise it too late. boy A in the performance didn't. but he almost lost girl A who loved him so much just because he was so caught up with the more glamourous and popular girl B. there was a happy ending. mainstream! and everyone leaves the mpsh happy and warm. but what about the million other girl As in the world who lose their boy As to the girl Bs? they don't find their happy ending, that's for sure. at least one girl A found hers. :)
i'm going home tonight i think. i miss home, for one thing. and i need to get away from the madness of hall and school for a while. sometimes you get so sucked up in everything that you lose yourself and go to bed at night wondering whether Kelly still exists in some secret corner of B509. you lose your heart, your mind, your self, and go back on weekends trying to reclaim some bits of the whole life you once had. then when you seem more mended somehow after the weekend, you come back on Sunday night and all the madness floods your mind and forces the cracks out again until by the time Friday rolls around, you're in pieces again. okay so maybe this is just unique to me, but it's something i feel strongly about. my family loves me, i love my family. i need them, they need me. i'm going home.
