i think it's a lot better to keep expecting the worst that could ever happen than to imagine the best and be completely crushed when it doesn't and the worst happens instead.

i've been spending the last few weeks living partly with my head in the clouds and partly cruelly self-yanked out of the clouds. i'm treading a dangerous line and i'm starting to be a little reckless, and i think it's time it all came to an end.

eyes don't lie, and both mine and yours don't. words do lie and so do smiles. i've been practising the art of smiling widely and happily when i ask you something and pretending that the answer doesn't matter at all when it does, so much. i can look right at you in the eye and even smile with them and say things flippantly only cos i don't want to appear like i even care just a bit. i believe what i see, i believe what happens, i don't know what's true and what's not anymore. on one hand it's so much easier to just convince yourself that you've been living a deluded fantasy all this time and that what you fear most to be true is true. it's so much less tiring cos that just leaves me at an emotional low all the time, which i suspect will taper off into an emotional whatever eventually.

i don't really want to be neurotic though, since according to my mno personality assessment, a person with high neuroticism is perpetually depressed. and it just seems slightly warped to put yourself through emotional torture perpetually just so you'll be spared a possible emotional stampede later on. cos i mean, what if the feared stampede never happens? you'd just have tortured yourself for no reason at all. it seems masochistic and just bloody warped.

but i really don't want to feel so fricking upset everevereverever again. no thanks. the memory of the couple of months ago still haunts me every once in a while. i wish i could walk back to the comfort of the potential promise to smooth away all my tears and pain again and feel special and loved again, but i can't. i decided to walk away from that and it would have been fricking selfish of me if i hadn't. i don't mean to sound like some wonderful noble specimen of a human being, but even though it was so promisingly nice and snug, i couldn't. all i want is to feel loved at the end of the day and love that someone too, to have someone listen to me bitch and whine and to listen to him bitch and whine in return. it's such a fundamental human need and want and yet so elusive to so many.

and i think deep down inside i am a horrid person. i may look like sugar and spice and all things nice, like i'll smile sweetly and innocently even when someone calls me a name to my face. but i'm damn scared cos lately i've been so bloody bitchy and i'm starting to think i might be slightly two-faced as well. i don't like what i'm becoming. and i'm such a fundamentally jealous person that it's slightly scary. aaaahhhhh. i don't like being me. i scare myself. :( i think i scare myself cos i think i'm perfectly capable of smiling oh-so-sweetly at you while i stick a knife in your back. and i try so hard not to have unfounded bad impressions of people, but i can't help instinctively liking some people less and less even though i tell myself not to. arghh.

i wish i could go back to carefree days on the beach and the silky sand beneath my toes, the feel of the hot sea wind blowing on my bronzed skin as i lie completely outstretched on the deckchair, the bump of the volleyball on the sand and my squeal of delight when i manage to get it over the net. delicious stolen nights spent out under the clear night sky even though tears mingled with sand and salt and my heart broke from having to speak and listen. endless conversations on the wood-planked balcony as we speak of things that would never be and i traced the night clouds with my eyes. setting my eyes on the clear blue of the sea, so calm and beautiful and everything i wish i could be. i wish i could go back to happy, silly nights of endless card games and drowning in beautiful eyes, to secret smiles at hopelessly romantic songs that made my heart melt before i knew it was all a lie, to believing so stubbornly that 'now and forever i will be your man' was more than just a heartbreakingly empty promise even though it seems so damn sweet and made me smile to myself.









































































because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i've learned to stay on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid

until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
now and forever, i will be your man




i think it's time to say goodbye. to everything.

3:12 AM;