i just found out things i'd rather not have found out about. and i am sad. i know, sad's such a mild word to use, but i'm at a loss of words to use right now. shockingly, yes. but i really am. i'm semi-dazed and semi-whatever, semi-upset and semi-alright. i don't even know what i'm feeling right now. i have NO words to describe this, so everything's gonna sound repeated and jumbled up. what if you didn't really want to know about something but you already knew about it anyway? i hate the feeling. it was like this the last time, i knew exactly what was in store for me. but i didn't care, i wanted to know anyway. and what happened in the end? i ended up feeling like shit. i do not want to put myself in the same vulnerable situation again, although i think i'm somewhat on my way there already. you cannot make someone fall in love with you. you can fall in love with someone, yes, but you just can't make the person feel the same way. you might touch the person with your sincerity and sweetness, maybe. but what if the person already likes someone else? nothing you do will help your case one bit. okay it probably seems that i'm talking about me right here. but somewhere along this paragraph, i stopped talking about me and started musing in general. there're just so many things on my mind now, i could type on and on. i'm not devastated, i'm too brain dead to really think. sigh. i wish i could empty all my thoughts and pour them out of the window. or like in the Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. i'd want to erase my thoughts and memories cos there really isn't a point in keeping them. who cares if i felt so giddily in love the last time, and enjoying that happy feeling? it was so temporary. who cares if i had such high hopes and sweet memories? it was so fleeting. i'm sure i'll find those happy memories again sometime along in the future with someone. but i'm equally sure i'll find those sad memories along with those happy ones. sigh alright i have so much more to say but no more words left in me. i want to be free and i think i have a chance to be, the cage door's wide open for me to fly out. but at the same time, i refuse to fly out from my cage and instead would rather continue caged up in my misery. where is the logic in all this?

5:31 AM;