i can't believe this: for the first time in a damn long time, i'm actually having trouble falling asleep.
i was trying to take a nap just now before going for mass at 6 but.. I CAN'T SLEEP!! i tried to sleep at 415 and finally dozed off UNTIL my phone vibrated and jolted me out of bed. then i tried getting back to sleep again and dozed off. until my stupid phone vibrated again and i got fed up so i got up to read my messages. and what time is it only?? 5.
THIS IS UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've never not been able to sleep ever since coming into hall. my problem was that i had NO TIME TO SLEEP. and now when i skip an econs lecture to catch up on some shut eye?? i can't bloody sleep.
arghhhhh.
anyway. i just realised how totally unpredictable life can be today. say a girl likes a guy. and she decides to catch a particular bus home. and guess what, she gets up and finds a seat.. next to him! he happens to be on the same bus, by pure chance. and that one chance encounter that was totally and completely random just really makes her day. but say she decides not to take that bus, and takes a cab back instead. she would never have bumped into him, and she wouldn't have been so happy over that one tiny thing.
i don't really wanna sound so like, cliched or anything, but workings of fate in life are really damn damn unpredictable. it's almost like the roll of two dice, you never know what'll happen next and sometimes, you just happen to roll 2 sixes.
reminds me of our lit discussions on
The Return of the Native last year. we had a whole discussion about the role of fate in Eustacia Vye's death. like how if Wildeve hadn't gambled Thomasin's money away and Thomasin actually had gotten her money, Mrs. Yeobright wouldn't have gotten wary and gone to check on Clym to see if HE had gotten his money. then Eustacia wouldn't have thought that Clym was gonna open the door for his mother when he actually wasn't and Mrs. Yeobright wouldn't have died and Clym wouldn't have thought that Eustacia killed his mother and did it cos she was having an affair with Wildeve and she wouldn't have run away and thus wouldn't have drowned in the river on that rainly night while running away.
okay that was kinda confusing. but you get what i mean. something usually always leads to something else. nothing that happens in life remains isolated and has totally no effect on anything else.
i can't decide if i should run for block comm or not. on one hand i feel like i should run and give myself the fighting chance because it'd seem like such a waste if i could've gotten it but given up because i thought i didn't stand a decent chance. i know i can do a more than decent job in the comm, but i don't know if i can persuade others that i can. after all, there're so many other people running - people who're a lot more well-liked than me. screw what they say about elections being about your abilities. it's about popularity. so i don't go around hob-nobbing and being nice to everyone because that just isn't me. i'm not gonna present a fake front just cos i want to get voted in. i'm not naturally extravagently friendly to people on a regular basis, and if i ever DO do that, you'll know that isn't really me and i'm probably faking it. i don't like hypocrisy, i don't like being nice to people just cos i want to be popular - that's probably why i'd make such a crappy politician.
if i'm nice to you, you know that i genuinely like you as a person and i care for you. if i'm not, then i'm sorry but i'm not gonna pretend that i do. i'll be decent to you, granted, but i won't like, be all chummy and smiley. i don't want to get close to people for reasons other than i'd really like to be your friend. but give me time to know you and i promise that you'll get nothing but genuine friendship from me.
so. because i'm so selectively nice and therefore not everyone's little best friend, i don't think people like me enough to want me in the block comm.
okay so screw it, i won't run. no point.
i'm gonna go to church for mass now. i need to get some semblence of my old life back again, where God fitted in so very nicely and i could see God in everything i did. now it's just like, i'm muddling through my day-to-day existence with no clue of whether i'm doing things right or not. another pertinent reason that i'm more inclined NOT to run for block comm is my commitment to the ZJ core team. i know for myself that if i DO get into the comm (by some supremely outside chance), i'll have significantly less time than the already little time i have for church.
argh i realised i have more to say but no time to say anything anymore. gotta change.
