i am so black now i can hardly recognise myself in the mirror anymore. that's what 3, 4 weekends of sitting out in the sun does to you. i even wore a bloody cap to keep the sun off my face today but the stupid cap wasn't fulfilling its purpose. my face, unfortunately, still got burnt a horrible shade of brown that makes me look half dead instead of healthy. i don't know why, some people have this really healthy glow after having spent a day in the sun. me? i just look like i fell asleep while suntanning with a massive slap of suntan lotion all over me.
anyway. i love my parents a lot. but sometimes i have to keep reminding myself why. especially today. i brought up the topic of switching to arts fac next sem this morning in the car on the way to school. and you can just imagine the rest, i don't think i need to elaborate further. but in case you can't guess, my mother just lost it and started telling me how i've been a 'rebellious child' ever since i was in primary school and how i've never listened to them and oh dear, look at me now, i'm nowhere in life and blahblahblah. er, hello? rebellious child doesn't quite cut it. try doormat, try timid. rebellious is when you run out of your house and get a tattoo on your ass cos your mother doesn't want you to; rebellious is when you get a biker boyfriend who smokes and does drugs because your mother's been warning you about boys like these since God knows when; rebellious is when you tell your parents you're going out to study at the 24 hours Macs 10 min from your house when you're actually going to MOS to club the whole night.
me rebellious? my toes are laughing. i'm not even close, sadly.
i don't know what she wants from me, really. she gave me a totally ridiculous ultimatum: if i wanna switch to arts, i leave KR next sem. wth. if i wanna continue staying, i pay for my entire stay next sem and for all sems after that. i sure as hell don't earn enough from tuition every month to even feed myself, how am i supposed to pay for an entire semester's stay?? i was appalled, to say the least. low blow, mom.
i am so reluctant to even say this, cos it's gonna sound so teenage-angsty because of the nature of this whole ridiculous situation. but i am SO irritated. my mother wants me to live a life she's always wanted to live, with a cushy executive job in a big international company and in all probability, financial security. but she just won't get it that i don't want that kind of job, that kind of life. i don't want to spend the next 30 years or so stuck in some office job i loathe just because my mother wanted me to do that for her. i'll admit that i ultimately made the decision to take up business in NUS, it wasn't my mother who made the choice for me. but now that i've realised that i made a bad call, my mother wants me to stay put and just watch my grades slide down the drain. i know everyone, not just my parents, have been saying that i'm not giving business a fair chance, that i'm not giving it my all and blahblah. er hello, if i didn't care about my business modules now, if i wasn't 'giving business' a chance, what in the world am i doing when i make sure i finish up my tutorials properly before tutorial itself? just what am i doing when i try to do my extra readings for the modules even when my friends who're so sure they're gonna stay in business don't really care about them?
don't tell me i'm not trying when i know that i am. if you'd only bother listening to what i'm saying instead of just hearing my voice wash over your head, you'd realise that i AM actually giving business a fair chance, dammit. i hate trying so hard to explain only to have the other party totally non-receptive. it seriously pisses me off.
my mother is also afraid i'm gonna get left on the fricking shelf when i come out of uni because i don't seem interested in dating. this is what she said to me this afternoon when i just came back from smu duty.
mom: why don't you go for the Ablaze rally tonight to meet more people?
me: i don't want to meet more people now, i have a lot of things to do tonight.
mom: are you not interested in meeting more nice Catholic boys?
me: what??
mom: yah, it's very important to know more Catholic boys so you have a wider selection.
me: ????
wth man, seriously. okay, so i sound like the hugest loser on earth now, literally advertising my inability to find a bloody boyfriend. so shoot me, i don't care. let's get this clear, what Kelly wants, Kelly gets. if i'd
wanted to get attached, i'd have gone and found myself a boyfriend quicker than you can say flirt.
i may
like someone but that doesn't necessarily mean i want to get into a relationship now, you know what i mean? in my rule book, liking someone doesn't equate to getting into a viable relationship with that person. things aren't that simple. i'm independent. i need my personal space, a lot of time to myself to just curl up in bed with a nice book. i have so many other commitments. i like to run my life the way i like it, i get annoyed when i have to consistently report my whereabouts or doings to someone 24/7. i'm quite annoyingly picky - i use the word annoyingly cos i don't have the right to be so picky actually, if you think about it. but if i am simply not interested in someone, i most probably will not become interested in you and therefore will probably not even entertain the notion of getting together with you. i mean, it's not as if i'm facing that problem now, instead the converse seems to be true, me being the liker and not the likee. but heck lah, if you ask me emotional attachments to guys (ie. liking them or having any hint of feelings for them) are just a bloody waste of time and energy. women can survive perfectly fine without men.
i am going to do my tutorials now. enough negativity for tonight.
