i spent the earlier part of the night watching one episode of Sad Love Story.
and i was like, so right. i cried like an idiot in that one episode, and it wasn't even a very cry-worthy scene. i just had this compulsion to cry and cry and i felt a lot better after that. :)

spent the later part of the night studying for Singapore Film midterm. i can't believe my productivity level: 3 lectures for the night!
okay, i know it's not fantastically much but it's a marked improvement.
i decided i'm gonna spend my weekend doing themetic notes about the 3 films that're gonna be tested. it's time to put those lit-honed skills to use again, i say!

and the best thing is, i'm gonna sleep soon!
my screwed up body clock's on it's way to getting fixed. yayness.
the only thing i'm reeeeaally craving for right now is chilli fish. the chilli is TO DIE FOR.
i want. i really really want.
and i keep hearing random voices floating up into my room from outside my window.

1:59 AM;

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

10:11 PM;

just had lunch with Elvin and Dann at the biz canteen. to tell you the truth, i am really QUITE sick of biz canteen food. i've been eating it a lot, since it's number one, my school and therefore most of my classes are held there, and number two, since it's the nearest food place to hall. and today's watermelon juice tasted funny. but nevermind! water is aplenty here on the 5th floor of B-block, since the pantry is just a few steps from my door.

and by the way. did you know that there's such a word as 'fifthly'??

i had no idea.

what else did i do over the last few days? oh i spoke to Cheryl online one of the nights! haha we had a discussion about hot guys and nice cars, which was pretty de-stressing since i've been bogged down with serious project discussions most of last week. these kinda discussions.. i like. heh.

i had a surprise waiting for me last night in my room when i came back from the toilet after washing my face and brushing my teeth. i tell you, i almost fainted on the spot cos i was in such a shitty mood most of last night. i'd wanted to blog a song but blogger happily erased my post and that made me even more annoyed so i just went to do my IT tutorial. two good things happened last night. the first was my kind-of-surprise, my late night visit. the second was my IT tutorial! i managed to finish it, which is a considerable achievement for a Kelly due to the simple fact that she HATES IT TO THE CORE. out of all my modules, IT could be the one i dislike the most. and that is considerable, cos i mean, i have other crappy modules like stats and managerial econs.

think i should go and study for Singapore Film now, since my midterm for that is on Monday. i don't really know how i should study for that though; i suspect i should do a lit-like study of the films we've watched and come up with the main issues and themes of each film. but i'm so lazy to get my rusty brains to work! argh. i know. i shall start slow - read my lecture notes about the elements of film style. but that's only all of one lecture, it's a bit ridiculous to just be tested on one set of notes right? oh shucks i don't know what to do.

and i wanna watch Sad Love Story NOWWWWWWW. the box of vcds have been sitting so nicely in my drawer for the longest time ever and i really really want to watch it now. i want to get touched by the sweet Korean guy and the tragic girl and just cry and cry like an idiot while watching.

2:41 PM;

i'm already more than half-way through my term break but it doesn't feel like it's actually started. y'know what i mean? i've been out practically every day on one project meeting after the other. i could just go on bitching about projects and how they are the absolute bane of my present existence, but i won't. spent Tuesday filming our short film for Singapore Film (which didn't go very well, i must say), yesteray filming for my mno module - a cultural quotient video, the better part of last night and this morning tying up the loose ends of my econs homework assignment. the only night i managed to get some studying done was Tuesday night, surprisingly. and i only studied all of one of my econs lectures. like, hello. i'm dead.

i am strangely tired right now. i think it could be cos of the many late nights i've been pulling lately. i was all prepared to sleep at 3am last night after my midnight chat with Chelsa in between A and B blocks when my phone rang and supper called. i never say no to supper. it's funny how supper used to be a word that didn't really exist in my vocab before coming to hall, but now it's like an every night thing. i feel weird without having had supper before going to bed, it's as if i missed my dinner or something. last night's chilli fish was really good as usual. i think i'm in love with the chilli, it's super hot but supremely delicious. i like. :)

should i do my IT and stats tutorials or should i go study? argh i can't decide. i think i should start studying for my Singapore Film midterms soon too. but i have so much econs to catch up on, it's insane. i hatehatehate my uni course, i wish i hadn't been so impulsive and decided to do business on a whim when arts was clearly my calling.

shucks man, i've just wasted my free day walking all around the stupid campus, from arts AS7 to hall then to biz2 again then back to hall. like hello, maybe i should have spent my free day properly? netball training tomorrow, i really don't feel like going. i don't feel like going for any sports trials for that matter, i'm far too lazy to care right now. i know i know, i may not get enough points to stay next year, so that should motivate me to go for something. but right now, i just couldn't care less.

life's too short to have to spend too much time doing things you don't like. heh ironic isn't it, how i know it but i don't seize the day, don't live by the motto carpe diem and instead just twiddle my thumbs and wait for apples to fall on my lap instead of reaching up to pluck an apple for myself? how i know that life's too short to be spent in constant suspension and waiting for something to happen but yet i do that all the time? how i know that apples usually don't fall on my lap even though gravity works on them and they should - and yet i just pretend that if i wait long enough, apples will fall and i'll be happy? i'm such a naive child-like girl, i have the tendency to pretend things away and not face the real problem at hand. ironic isn't it, how i know that but still i don't want to grow up?

the innocence and honesty of children are so often snatched out of their hands even before they're willing to give it up. and the sad thing's that it's a vicious cycle. children who've had their innocence snatched away prematurely grow up to become bitter adults who think that just because they were subjected to this as children, they should and can do the same to the new generation of children. and so the cycle continues.

okay i'm talking in circles and riddles, so please excuse me.
but maybe one day i'll finally stop skating round the ice-skating rink in circles and manage to jump out of my circle and up into the clean air above, out of the circle and into sweet-tasting freedom and clarity.

4:44 PM;

my mood swing today was particularly drastic. on one hand, i felt particularly good and accomplished and blah after having watched my IT webcast for the lecture i didn't attend on Wednesday. on the other hand, i'm feeling particularly RAHHHHHHH cos i'm hungry and tired and basically, it's got everything to do with supper. :(

so anywaaaaay. term break's here in a flash! but it's really not much of a break it seems. piles and piles of schoolwork to be done. a ridiculous number of projects to complete and meet up for. i'm damn lucky i've only got two mid-terms to study for, and NO i am not being sarcastic.

sigh it's crappy how i'm so blaaaahhh tonight now but just yesterday and the day before i was so happy and optimistic about everything. what a difference a night makes. i realise how dependent i've become on my handphone. i use it to get up in the mornings, plan my schedule.. and lately i've been feeling happy or disappointed when my phone vibrates or a call comes in.

how much simplier things could be, really.

tuition tomorrow. i am becoming increasingly negligent about my schoolwork, come to think about it. i am reallyreally gonna use the break to catch up. i will plan my study timetable now after i post this entry and will be super disciplined for the next week.

i just saw something that made me even more annoyed. i wish i had gone to sleep earlier.



september twenty-second, twenty-five after nine.

3:28 AM;

today was such a dreary day. i dragged myself out of bed at 1030 for stats tutorial this morning, but i think that just took my last burst of energy and i was dead to the world after that. lunched with Mel and headed back to my room to nap before stats lecture at 2, but it was a BAD IDEA. that resulted in me skipping stats AND econs lecture. bleaaahhh. i really have to stop this ponning habit. it's baaaaaad. a student shouldn't be ponning classes. a student shouldn't be staying up till 5am every night. i need some Discipline in my life - fast. before my cap drops to something like 3 this sem and i can say goodbye to any possibilities of doing a double degree in arts and business.

yes yes, i am an ambitious girl.

lately i feel like i've been losing focus. on a lot of things. school seems a bit like a cca now, which feels so wrong somehow. it's like hall stuff's become my main priority these days, and school's just a by-the-way kinda thing.

jcrc rally AGAIN!!! it's like every single week. i really need to catch up with my work. i closed my room door in the hopes that the block comm will think i'm not in or something. the rally's kinda not very fun to attend. and a little bit of a waste of time. and I NEED TO STUDY. project meeting later tonight - i'm starting to dread projects. every single module seems to require one, it's getting a bit ridiculous. i'm afraid i'll lose track of what i'm doing for what projects, there're just too darn many. 2 film projects this sem! even stats requires a project! what kinda project does one do for stats?? it's all math. how do you do a math project?? and i can see myself dying for my IT project already. i suck so badly at IT that i don't know what i'm gonna do to save my sorry ass.

i am so lazy to go shower or start doing anything productive. the floor's nice and peaceful today cos everyone's downstairs for jcrc rally. i think i'm gonna go shower before the project meeting tonight. my back's killing me. i think i'm gonna get severe arthritis or reumhetism next time when i'm old and grey. reumhetism is such a horrid word to spell. i think i got it wrong.

8:45 PM;

i am in suchhhhh a good mood today even though not everything about today was good.
like the headache that's been pounding at the back of my head the whole day. or the IT tutorial i skipped. AND the MNO lecture i couldn't wake up for.
but all the sleep i managed to catch by skipping the abovementioned was much craved and much needed, i think. sometimes i forget i need enough sleep, especially when i'm enjoying myself in the nights just talking to people and rushing tutorials.

i'd wanted to sleep BY 230am last night. but 3am came and went and by the time i was all alone in my room with the door closed, it was about 345 already. :) so much for sleeping early! but tonight i must sleep earlier cos i don't think i can contunue functioning like that.
i kinda still want to graduate relatively well.

America's Next Top Model tonight! heh i apologise if half the world thinks it's the most bimbotic show ever, but i don't care, i allow myself that indulgence every Monday night. and Project Runway's coming back to Channel5! bimbotic or not, they're MY kinda shows. haha. light-hearted, brainless and not thought-provoking at all beyond the occasional "omg that was suchhhhhh a bad shot of her. booooo to models."

somehow i think i'm not cut out for programming at all. i do not know how to do ANYTHING on my IT tutorials - hence my complete nonchalance about the module and willingness to sleep through IT tutorials every Monday. i base a lot of things on logic, and if i can't understand the logic behind something, i find it super hard to grasp the concept, whether the concept's complicated or not.

i need to shower and start on my stats tutorial soon. the weather these days have been perrrrrfect for sleeping in - cold and drab and dreary and grey. i want to return back to my old lifestyle of sleeping 10 hours a day curled up like a fat cat on my bed under the covers and being perfectly contented with an occasional pat on the head.

8:52 PM;

what can i say? my night's been made.
my mno one-pagers for both last week and this week have been done.
i'm going to bed a happier girl than i've been the past few nights. :))
















crazy little thing called love

4:16 AM;

i see the morning glory
it winds upon the tree
it tells the untold story of how things were meant to be
you saw the universe
caught up in desperate dreams
you came and changed the ending
changed it to save my fate
you led the revolution
you left your legacy
embraced the struggle
in the face of mortality
i know i'm not alone in this
help me believe

i can be free
i can be free from this place
beautiful healer
beautiful grace
help me to see
everything fall into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving
break these chains

it's still the same old story
this great divide
between the want and waste
and all the hunger inside
i heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
i'm just a single voice
what can i do to erase
all this misunderstanding
all this anarchy
six degrees of separation
sometimes it's so hard to see
that we're not alone in this
i need to believe


*free/corrinne may.

4:22 PM;

i only ever cry in two kinds of situations.

1. when i'm fricking pissed off.

2. when i'm super sad.

and when i'm pissed off, i talk like there's no tomorrow and just launch attack after attack, sometimes without thinking about what i'm saying, often regretting what i say afterwards.
i lose my temper pretty easily even though i look like some docile, gentle little female. no, really. i really do blow my top easily, and when it blows people get it. or else i try to keep to myself and take it out on the things in my room so i won't end up unnecessarily spreading my bad vibes to others.

right now, all my anger, all my emotions - have all just seeped out of me over the night. and i'm just left feeling damn tired even though i'm awake. i've been emotionally numbed and i think i'd prefer to stay this way for a while. why bother to feel so much, to care so much - when practically everyone else doesn't realise you do? i'm not saying i should do things to please other people, that to me makes zero sense at all and would shoot myself if i ever did that. but caring and pouring my passion and time and energy into doing something, only to have it interpreted as 'hmm i wonder why she's here? i bet it's for all the wrong reasons.'

BLOODY HELL. wrong reasons? whatever. you can fricking think whatever you want now. i'm not wasting more time trying to convince you otherwise. hello, i've only got 24 hours in a day. i'm probably not gonna live past 100. there're so many people i really genuinely care about, and i'm not only friends with them cos i want to be bloody popular or whatever. screw you, screw all this. if people don't like me cos they think i'm fricking cliquish or WHATEVER, bloody hell just go ahead and carry on. see if i care anymore, cos i don't. i won't.

you want my support? you've got it, i won't make life difficult for anyone.
do i necessarily like you? maybe. it doesn't matter, it's not personal anyway.
do i think i can do the job? hell yeah, but obviously no one thinks so now.
why am i so angry? how do you like it if people basically insinuate that you're not good enough, insinuate a million other laughably obviously untrue things? i sure as hell don't.

heh what in the world happened to my 'i'm so not angry anymore' stance?

i do apologise for the strong language. i tend to lose my temper when i talk about something sore i feel strongly about.

from now on, i'll live my own happy little life and just study. after all, as i have reiterated a gazillion times before this, I AM A STUDENT. my parents aren't paying 6K a year to have me worry about whether i'm liked or disliked.

alright, so smile already.

2:04 PM;

so it's okay to hang out in cliques - only if the cliques are in your block?
the block's just a building. we're just all people living in rooms in different buildings.
we're the same, actually. it just happens that my clique happens to stay in different buildings from mine. is that wrong? hell, no.

screw what everyone thinks. i love my friends - whichever block they're from - and ultimately after you leave school, after you leave hall, no one cares whether my clique came from b-block or from d-block or a-block. we all become individuals without the block identity tagged on.
i'm thankful i have Chels, Mel and Yisi in hall with me, and i wouldn't know what i'd do without them.
screw what they all think, that the most important thing is to bond with your block-mates. it is important, i don't doubt it. but scrape through all the layers and you'll basically find a bunch of people trying to make honest, sincere, true friends. which is what i think i've managed to do, only that i've found my friends outside the block. so don't you see how it's basically the same, underneath all the promoting of packaging such friendship-forming activities as 'block bonding' activities?

people do judge people. it's a harsh fact of life. i don't pretend to imagine that i live in a world where everyone loves me and passes no judgements on me or anyone else for that matter and that we're all everyone's good friend. i'm not an idiot, please. but i do recognise that judging based on first impressions is NOT GOOD AT ALL, so i really make it a point not to do that. i wish others would realise that too, that's all.

i'm only 19, and i already seem so tired of the realities of life. perhaps it's the sudden exposure to all this nonsense, having been sheltered in my parents' home for the last 18 years in this world. it's like how you suddenly take off the blindfold after having been blindfolded for a damn long time. the sudden exposure to light will render you almost completely blind initially.

i wish things turned out differently. i wish i didn't get so bothered. i wish i could talk freely without having to censor myself, but tonight was enough - i've said too much to too many people already. i wish the message was longer. i wish i could. i wish people wouldn't tell me who i should and should not hang out with. i wish i could love you. i wish i could screw it all and just carry on. i wish i could say in all honesty: 'i'm completely behind you.' i wish i could smile genuinely and mean it. i wish you were all in my block. i wish i didn't have to act like i like it.

i just wish.

6:21 AM;

i am just fricking tired of school and hall life. all the goings-on have been messing about with my emotional and physical state and I AM DAMN SICK OF IT!

i just want to be me again and not feel like i have to be friends with a million and one people. i just want my old friends back again. i miss Trina and Cheryl and Dree and Chelsa like hell (even though Chelsa's in hall with me now, sometimes she seems so far away cos we spend so little alone time together).
i'm so tired of people judging me so relentlessly and harshly, of having to present an enthusiastic front 24/7 and more.
i'm so tired of the same shit happening over and over again. it's become my fricking life story and i need a break. i never ever learn, i always do the same shit over and over again, i'm such an idiot.
i think my hormones are running amok in me now cos i'm a lot more emo than usual. this is so deja vu-ish. this whole thing seems to have unfolded in almost the same way, it's fricking scary. and the really scary part's that i recognise the same things, and yet i'm not doing anything to stop.

emo rambling aside, i'm also sick and tired of the hypocrisy flying all over my head. what's this become? since when did family and block-bonding evolve into politicking? since when did trying hard suddenly have underlying meanings? since when did i start to get so lost and so disillusioned and so bloody friendless?

it's such a weird feeling, to be surrounded by SO MANY PEOPLE and yet feeling so utterly alone and helpless. wth man, i'm bloody pissed off by a million and one things at the moment. so i've decided. from today, i will:

1. study study study. after all, i am a student.

2. not care about you. you don't even bother, why should i?

3. not care about my 'popularity'. i like myself well enough, if you don't - i make no apologies.

4. not get so pissed off by well-meaning people who remind me about the important things in life. you are, after all, well-meaning and i do appreciate it.

5. get enough sleep and not stay up for suppers so often. why should i? i'm ruining my complexion and putting on weight. for what?

6. NOT CARE ANYMORE. okay, so i was a total idiot in the first place but enough's enough and i can't go on like that anymore without imploding somehow.

7. exercise. it's a wonderful way to vent and keep looking hot.

8. keep up with my tv shows. life goes on even in hall.

3:11 AM;

i can't believe this: for the first time in a damn long time, i'm actually having trouble falling asleep.

i was trying to take a nap just now before going for mass at 6 but.. I CAN'T SLEEP!! i tried to sleep at 415 and finally dozed off UNTIL my phone vibrated and jolted me out of bed. then i tried getting back to sleep again and dozed off. until my stupid phone vibrated again and i got fed up so i got up to read my messages. and what time is it only?? 5.

THIS IS UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've never not been able to sleep ever since coming into hall. my problem was that i had NO TIME TO SLEEP. and now when i skip an econs lecture to catch up on some shut eye?? i can't bloody sleep.

arghhhhh.

anyway. i just realised how totally unpredictable life can be today. say a girl likes a guy. and she decides to catch a particular bus home. and guess what, she gets up and finds a seat.. next to him! he happens to be on the same bus, by pure chance. and that one chance encounter that was totally and completely random just really makes her day. but say she decides not to take that bus, and takes a cab back instead. she would never have bumped into him, and she wouldn't have been so happy over that one tiny thing.

i don't really wanna sound so like, cliched or anything, but workings of fate in life are really damn damn unpredictable. it's almost like the roll of two dice, you never know what'll happen next and sometimes, you just happen to roll 2 sixes.

reminds me of our lit discussions on The Return of the Native last year. we had a whole discussion about the role of fate in Eustacia Vye's death. like how if Wildeve hadn't gambled Thomasin's money away and Thomasin actually had gotten her money, Mrs. Yeobright wouldn't have gotten wary and gone to check on Clym to see if HE had gotten his money. then Eustacia wouldn't have thought that Clym was gonna open the door for his mother when he actually wasn't and Mrs. Yeobright wouldn't have died and Clym wouldn't have thought that Eustacia killed his mother and did it cos she was having an affair with Wildeve and she wouldn't have run away and thus wouldn't have drowned in the river on that rainly night while running away.

okay that was kinda confusing. but you get what i mean. something usually always leads to something else. nothing that happens in life remains isolated and has totally no effect on anything else.

i can't decide if i should run for block comm or not. on one hand i feel like i should run and give myself the fighting chance because it'd seem like such a waste if i could've gotten it but given up because i thought i didn't stand a decent chance. i know i can do a more than decent job in the comm, but i don't know if i can persuade others that i can. after all, there're so many other people running - people who're a lot more well-liked than me. screw what they say about elections being about your abilities. it's about popularity. so i don't go around hob-nobbing and being nice to everyone because that just isn't me. i'm not gonna present a fake front just cos i want to get voted in. i'm not naturally extravagently friendly to people on a regular basis, and if i ever DO do that, you'll know that isn't really me and i'm probably faking it. i don't like hypocrisy, i don't like being nice to people just cos i want to be popular - that's probably why i'd make such a crappy politician.

if i'm nice to you, you know that i genuinely like you as a person and i care for you. if i'm not, then i'm sorry but i'm not gonna pretend that i do. i'll be decent to you, granted, but i won't like, be all chummy and smiley. i don't want to get close to people for reasons other than i'd really like to be your friend. but give me time to know you and i promise that you'll get nothing but genuine friendship from me.

so. because i'm so selectively nice and therefore not everyone's little best friend, i don't think people like me enough to want me in the block comm.

okay so screw it, i won't run. no point.

i'm gonna go to church for mass now. i need to get some semblence of my old life back again, where God fitted in so very nicely and i could see God in everything i did. now it's just like, i'm muddling through my day-to-day existence with no clue of whether i'm doing things right or not. another pertinent reason that i'm more inclined NOT to run for block comm is my commitment to the ZJ core team. i know for myself that if i DO get into the comm (by some supremely outside chance), i'll have significantly less time than the already little time i have for church.

argh i realised i have more to say but no time to say anything anymore. gotta change.

5:12 PM;

this morning got off to a supremely bad start. i woke up with the emotions and images of a HORRIBLE dream still fresh in my mind. then i realised i'd slept right through mno lecture and was gonna be potentially late for film lecture. then i realised i didn't finish my IT tutorial yet.

but i must admit the bad dream was what really got to me. :(
it wasn't a nightmare per se, just generally upsetting.

i want to go back to sleep. my dreams these days haven't been letting me get enough peaceful sleep. i always have weird dreams that leave me feeling as if i've actually been through whatever i dreamt about at night when i wake up the next day. say i dream about swimming through the Amazon. when i get up, i actually feel so physically tired out, as if i'd really swam through the raging currents. and it's not just physical exhaustion in my dreams that spill over to my waking life. say i cry damn a lot or get so emotionally distressed in my dreams for whatever reasons; i'll get up feeling very depressed and that's the mood that generally forms the backdrop for my day.

i'm gonna nap, and hopefully i'll dream a happy dream so i'll get up still basking in the afterglow of the happy dream.


make a wish and blow a kiss
blow an eyelash, make a wish
- i wish you would.

3:57 PM;

You Are a Coy Flirt

You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing.You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing.Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal.A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.

You are White Chocolate

You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in.Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you.You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!

You Are a Light Pink Rose

You represent sweetness and grace. Your vibe: Kind and gentle Falling in love with you: is like falling in love with a best friend

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

5:00 PM;

i'm completely convinced that days should not begin before 10am. anytime before 10 is still night and should be for sleeping. i went for mass this morning at 8.30am and i practically slept through the entire service. from the moment the opening hymn began, i started feeling sleepy. it didn't help that there was this boy sitting in front of me who kept turning around when we sang. hello, have you never heard someone sing during mass before? i was so tempted to go super close to him and sing just to annoy him.

anyway. what in the world is wrong with my body?? i swear my body's just gone insane on me. i've gotten my period AGAIN, after just 2 weeks. at this rate i'm gonna be getting my period every fortnight. stupid menstrual cycle. i don't even like being a girl sometimes, i don't even want kids sometimes, why do i need my period??? waste of resources and time. at least i'm not cramping up as badly as i used to these days. the miracles of hall, seriously. before moving into hall, i thought i'd die every month whenever my period came cos i used to get severely bad cramps. but the last 2 months have been alright, surprisingly. okay, maybe i shouldn't say too soon cos today's only the first day.

after mass today i spent just a while catching up with the church people and i realised how detached i've grown from them in just the last one-and-a-half months since i moved into KR. i think it's not that i've changed or that they're any different; it's my priorities that've changed. church stuff used to be my top priority during the holidays, but now that school's started i'm starting to see school becoming the non-negotiable in my life.

i'm damn tired still. think i'm gonna go catch a nap before going to the phone shop with Carol cos she wants to upgrade her phone under my line. and there's supposed to be a film project meeting tonight at 12am. i'm willing to bet quite a bit that it's not gonna happen cos we're all gonna forget and i don't particularly feel like pushing. it gets quite tiring to keep pushing for meetings all by yourself. that's why i'm glad i didn't call this one. let's just see if a meeting actually transpires tonight or not.

good night, world. i haven't been getting enough sleep.

10:55 AM;

i am so black now i can hardly recognise myself in the mirror anymore. that's what 3, 4 weekends of sitting out in the sun does to you. i even wore a bloody cap to keep the sun off my face today but the stupid cap wasn't fulfilling its purpose. my face, unfortunately, still got burnt a horrible shade of brown that makes me look half dead instead of healthy. i don't know why, some people have this really healthy glow after having spent a day in the sun. me? i just look like i fell asleep while suntanning with a massive slap of suntan lotion all over me.

anyway. i love my parents a lot. but sometimes i have to keep reminding myself why. especially today. i brought up the topic of switching to arts fac next sem this morning in the car on the way to school. and you can just imagine the rest, i don't think i need to elaborate further. but in case you can't guess, my mother just lost it and started telling me how i've been a 'rebellious child' ever since i was in primary school and how i've never listened to them and oh dear, look at me now, i'm nowhere in life and blahblahblah. er, hello? rebellious child doesn't quite cut it. try doormat, try timid. rebellious is when you run out of your house and get a tattoo on your ass cos your mother doesn't want you to; rebellious is when you get a biker boyfriend who smokes and does drugs because your mother's been warning you about boys like these since God knows when; rebellious is when you tell your parents you're going out to study at the 24 hours Macs 10 min from your house when you're actually going to MOS to club the whole night.

me rebellious? my toes are laughing. i'm not even close, sadly.

i don't know what she wants from me, really. she gave me a totally ridiculous ultimatum: if i wanna switch to arts, i leave KR next sem. wth. if i wanna continue staying, i pay for my entire stay next sem and for all sems after that. i sure as hell don't earn enough from tuition every month to even feed myself, how am i supposed to pay for an entire semester's stay?? i was appalled, to say the least. low blow, mom.

i am so reluctant to even say this, cos it's gonna sound so teenage-angsty because of the nature of this whole ridiculous situation. but i am SO irritated. my mother wants me to live a life she's always wanted to live, with a cushy executive job in a big international company and in all probability, financial security. but she just won't get it that i don't want that kind of job, that kind of life. i don't want to spend the next 30 years or so stuck in some office job i loathe just because my mother wanted me to do that for her. i'll admit that i ultimately made the decision to take up business in NUS, it wasn't my mother who made the choice for me. but now that i've realised that i made a bad call, my mother wants me to stay put and just watch my grades slide down the drain. i know everyone, not just my parents, have been saying that i'm not giving business a fair chance, that i'm not giving it my all and blahblah. er hello, if i didn't care about my business modules now, if i wasn't 'giving business' a chance, what in the world am i doing when i make sure i finish up my tutorials properly before tutorial itself? just what am i doing when i try to do my extra readings for the modules even when my friends who're so sure they're gonna stay in business don't really care about them?

don't tell me i'm not trying when i know that i am. if you'd only bother listening to what i'm saying instead of just hearing my voice wash over your head, you'd realise that i AM actually giving business a fair chance, dammit. i hate trying so hard to explain only to have the other party totally non-receptive. it seriously pisses me off.

my mother is also afraid i'm gonna get left on the fricking shelf when i come out of uni because i don't seem interested in dating. this is what she said to me this afternoon when i just came back from smu duty.

mom: why don't you go for the Ablaze rally tonight to meet more people?
me: i don't want to meet more people now, i have a lot of things to do tonight.
mom: are you not interested in meeting more nice Catholic boys?
me: what??
mom: yah, it's very important to know more Catholic boys so you have a wider selection.
me: ????

wth man, seriously. okay, so i sound like the hugest loser on earth now, literally advertising my inability to find a bloody boyfriend. so shoot me, i don't care. let's get this clear, what Kelly wants, Kelly gets. if i'd wanted to get attached, i'd have gone and found myself a boyfriend quicker than you can say flirt.

i may like someone but that doesn't necessarily mean i want to get into a relationship now, you know what i mean? in my rule book, liking someone doesn't equate to getting into a viable relationship with that person. things aren't that simple. i'm independent. i need my personal space, a lot of time to myself to just curl up in bed with a nice book. i have so many other commitments. i like to run my life the way i like it, i get annoyed when i have to consistently report my whereabouts or doings to someone 24/7. i'm quite annoyingly picky - i use the word annoyingly cos i don't have the right to be so picky actually, if you think about it. but if i am simply not interested in someone, i most probably will not become interested in you and therefore will probably not even entertain the notion of getting together with you. i mean, it's not as if i'm facing that problem now, instead the converse seems to be true, me being the liker and not the likee. but heck lah, if you ask me emotional attachments to guys (ie. liking them or having any hint of feelings for them) are just a bloody waste of time and energy. women can survive perfectly fine without men.

i am going to do my tutorials now. enough negativity for tonight.

9:10 PM;

sometimes the very littlest things make you smile.
sometimes the most escapable moments to others just make your day.
sometimes the split-second incidents are those that you find the hardest to forget.
sometimes the tiniest step and you realise you're on your way to falling in love.

stupid cupid, you're a real mean guy. indeed.

5:22 AM;

i spent 2 hours of my usually free Thursday in an IT lab session that didn't seem very IT-like. played some game that seemed to have more to do with supply chain management than IT. but haha i don't think i'll complain much because our group won the game! and the prize was 4 bucks each. :) lunch for a day!

lately it seems that i've been at a loss for words to adequately express myself. i realise i've been borrowing a lot of other people's words in the forms of song lyrics and exerpts from books.

until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand, now and forever - i will be your man.
richard marx

it would be so nice growing old with you.
adam sandler

between now and then until i see you again, i'll be loving you. love, me.
collin raye

if i just lay here - would you lie with me and just forget the world?
snow patrol


where are kelly's words?
"err. what the hell??"
that's what i've been saying a lot these days, for some strange reason. nothing else coherent even though i have much to say about some things. this seems extremely familiar. i think we did this in e4 last year, in Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried. one of the issues we discussed about in detail was the inability of soldiers who returned from the Vietnam War to express themselves, their horrific memories and experiences. this inability to release pent up emotions and feelings in the form of words resulted in a lot of them becoming slightly berserk from the immense emotional stress. catharsis, i've come to realise, is essential for me. i was furiously flipping through my hard copy diary cos i thought i'd written in one of the entries something that Edmund Blunden said about the power of words and memory.

you know, to me it's okay if i'm unable to talk about something. because i always had another avenue to pour out my torrent of words. i could always write out everything as an alternative. but nowadays that channel of cathartic relief seems to have been choked up and unable to function. i've been saying the same things over and over because i don't have enough words to describe what i think/feel/do. i just don't have my own words anymore.

anyway. i'm gonna take a nap now before going to ginza to get things for my table's dnd costumes. we were supposed to go at 5 plus but it's almost 6 now. i wonder whether we're actually gonna go or not.

i wish i could say what i thought, really. it'd make things so much easier.

5:11 PM;

we just had a dnd make-the-costume-session! i'm on Nick and Elvin's table and we're gonna be dressed as either bathers or toilet objects. haha the thought of sitting next to a toilet bowl makes me want to either laugh damn hard or feel damn grossed out.

i managed to finish my last stats tutorial! even though a million people came in to my room to visit me on Monday night while i was happily watching America's Next Top Model, for some strange reason. traffic that night was particularly heavy! though i'm not complaining at all. haha. had a goooooood conversation late at night on Tuesday and felt a lot better after my ranting/babbling/verbal diarrohea session.

someone once told me that the eyes are the windows to your soul. someone also once told me that he could see the spark in my eyes that a lot of other people couldn't see - even myself it seemed. if that were true, that the eyes are really the windows to your soul, it'd be quite scary because just by looking into someone's eyes, you can see right through all their words and actions and straight into what's in their heart, mind, soul. a lot of people say certain things when they really mean something else.

a perfect example would be me.

"i hate you, you're so annoying." usually translates to "i really like you, i wish you wouldn't make fun of me so much."

ohh but of course with Eng Tat - my wonderful fellow bimbo - whatever i say is usually pretty accurate. no hidden meaning behind! :) someone in hall's finally found the value of bullying me. Trina and Khin and Dree used to do it every single day last time cos they found it funny that i could only defend myself up to a certain point before i internally combust and become completely helpless and unable to deflect any further insults. i think Tat must have figured that out somewhere along the line and started bullying me as a result. haha but it's okay! he makes my life that much more interesting, plus he's a really nice guy (Wilfred's classmate, will you believe it!).

*****

i wanna make you smile
whenever you're sad
carry you around when your artrithis is bad
all i wanna do
is grow old with you
i'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
build you a fire if the furnace breaks
oh it could be so nice
growing old with you
i'll miss you
kiss you
give you my coat when you are cold
need you
feed you
even let me hold the remote control
so let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
i could be the man
who grows old with you
i wanna grow old with you.

*****

Paul Twohill sang this song during Singapore Idol today. granted, it wasn't a fantastic delivery on his part, but simply hearing the song made me feel very nostalgic and a bit emo, i guess. it's a super sweet song for a guy to sing to a girl.

i could be the man who grows old with you.

4:32 AM;

today i did smu duty for frisbee in the morning. kept the time for the matches and got to sound the siren to signal the end of the halves. it IS rather liberating to do that, sound the sirens and have it wail loudly all over the court. i think there must be a hidden side of me that relishes power and having everyone's attention on me.

today i swam for my block and i'm not really ashamed to say this but i swam damn badly. i forgot how to plunge from my acjc swimming pe days, forgot how to swim freestyle quick enough to beat the boys (the lousy ones lah), forgot how to swim period. but at least the girls still came in third overall even though we got fourth for two out of three events.

today i did my IT tutorial and tried to do my econs case study for the presentation group meeting tomorrow at 43o. schoolwork's really catching up with me and i need to get back up to speed.

my eyes are closing as i type all these in now cos i'm damn fricking tired, having only had a measley 3-and-a-half hours of sleep last night and having had spent the entire bloody day under the sun. i'm a horrific shade of brown that so doesn't become me now. and i am in a horrendous mood. i apologise for the semi-vulgarities but my foul mood's dictating how and what i talk about.

you want to hear about me being upset and irritated and fricking annoyed? i didn't think so. i'm just pms-ing and i feel so emotionally, mentally and physically drained out and completely sucked dry. how much can a very normal girl take before she breaks down and wants out? i'm about to find out. how much does a very normal girl have to do to get what she wants? i'm probably never gonna find out because it's never enough. everything's in a haze now and i want to just sleep and sleep everything away, and when i wake up and open my eyes, everything will be nice and dandy and so damn nice.

humour me, please.

1:39 AM;

whenever i'm weary
from the battles that raged in my head
you made sense of madness
when my sanity hangs by a thread
i lose my way, but still you seem to understand
now and forever,
i will be your man

sometimes i just hold you
too caught up in me to see
i'm holding a fortune
that heaven has given to me
i'll try to show you each and every way i can
now and forever,
i will be your man

now i can rest my worries
and always be sure
that i won't be alone anymore
if i'd only known you were there
all the time, all this time.

until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
now and forever
i will be your man


*now and forever/richard marx


*****


omg i'm such a sucker for mushy love songs. it's so damn sweeeeeet! it's like even though i know it's so fricking idealistic to fall in love with songs like that, i still do. i still do want someone to sing something like that to me, to fall in love so completely and sweetly, to just lose myself in someone's eyes, to actually be in love instead of being in love with the idea of love itself.

i know people always say how in the real world, such a naive concept of love has no place. and yeah, maybe i do have to grow up a lot more and open my eyes to the harsher reality instead of keeping my rose-tinted glasses on all the time, living perpetually in my happy little bubble. but i can't help but keep on hoping for the day when i fall in love with someone who loves me too instead of falling in love with someone who doesn't. i feel that it isn't too much to ask for, to ask for true innocent love, but at the same time i kinda feel it IS asking far too much of life. because if you actually think about it, how many people actually find their true soulmate by the time their lives on this earth are over? so many people end up marrying the wrong people, which is why we see all these divorces happening like nobody's business nowadays.

if i could only wish for one thing in my entire life, i'd wish for me to meet and fall in love with the perfect guy of my dreams - and have him love me too. i know love isn't meant to be selfish, as my favourite verse from 1 Corinthians so very nicely puts it. but this isn't really being selfish, is it? the need to love and to be loved in return is such an age-old human need that's an intergral aspect of our humanity. i can't love someone who wishes i wouldn't love him/her. not because it's hard to but because i won't because if i truly love the person, i won't want to make him/her upset and so i won't show that i love him/her.

okay this is getting slightly confusing.

sigh but i'm feeling melancholy now just thinking about my entire library of love songs and the mushy but oh-so-sweet lyrics. if only life could be like that, if only for a day.


until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
now and forever - i will be your man.


how damn sweet.
because the ocean will never not touch the sand, so therefore he will be her man forever. never say forever cos forever is an impossible concept to fathom. but always say forever cos it's comforting to think that someone'll be there for you for ever and ever till you die.

sigh i feel like crying. i don't know why.

3:15 AM;

i'm in my own room at home now typing all this in! it feels a bit weird to be in my room now that i've been spending most of my nights in my room in hall. and then, it feels weird to feel weird to be in my room. it feels slightly funny to be talking online to my friends when they're all in hall and i'm a million miles away. but i must say i miss the aircon. and my comforter and bed and bear and the smell of my own room. there's something about my room that has my identity stamped all over it. i don't know, it could be a particular smell or the cosy mess or the sight of my things strewn all over the place. but i've definitely missed my room. and my family.

i wanted to go back to hall tonight to watch takraw (haha) but decided against rushing back cos core meeting ended at 1115 only and i was feeling very tired. i'm feeling slightly happier now cos i've finally gotten my allowance for next month! and my mother so generously gave me a slight increment too, which made me even happier. gosh, i realised it's been two weeks since i last saw my mother. that's a really long time, come to think about it. going back to hall tomorrow night after Prak's farewell.

tomorrow's gonna be such a packed day! tuition at 10 in the morning then going out to get a case for my laptop before going to church for ZJ at 430, YouthCharge at 745 and then Prak's place at 10.

ohh, before i forget:

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY YISI!!!

yeah babe, a birthday shout-out for you if you're reading this! haha i'm glad i met you and got to know you, i don't know what i'd do without you in b-block cos you're my favourite b-block girl pal! :) we've been doing crazy things together ever since we knew each other in the Famous 5, from all the things we did for Lester and our dates to accompanying you to dance auditions yesterday and you waking up to pick balls for soccer training at 6am. haha! it's been a blast. lovee!

there're currently 2 songs stuck in my head now. for reasons i shall not divulge because it's really quite retarded. i feel like watching Love Actually again for some strange reason.


*****

you look into my eyes
i go out of my mind
i can't see anything
cos this love's got me blind
i can't help myself
i can't break the spell
i can't even try
i'm in over my head
you got under my skin
i got no strength at all
in the state that i'm in
and my knees are weak
and my mouth can't speak
fell too far this time
baby, i'm too lost in you
caught in you
lost in everything about you
so deep, i can't sleep
i can't think
i just think about the things that you do
i'm too lost in you

*too lost in you/sugababes.

3:38 AM;