juggling hall life and the rest of my life is really really really really REALLY tough. after soccer carnival yesterday, i had to rush back home to change and all for bizad dnd before rushing down to zj. something had to give cos i only had 2 hours to play with and so many million things to do and so many places to be. oh, and i was supposed to have a core meeting on Saturday night. which i didn't wanna go for cos i already got tickets to the dnd. and i ended up pissing the entire core cos they thought i was being super irresponsible.
i was mighty upset cos apparently they all said meeting had been fixed for Saturday night since 2 weeks ago. but i really don't remember it being fixed. i thought it was Saturday afternoon, and i'd already told Wilfred that i probably won't be able to make it on Saturday last week. and and.. sigh basically the three of them insisted that i was being inconsiderate and that i shouldn't have cancelled on them last minute.. but i really only knew about the meeting on friday wnen Wilfred messaged me, and i told him that i wouldn't be able to make it the moment i got the message.
aiyah whatever lah. i think my mind has a hole or something cos they all insisted that i knew about the meeting since 2 weeks ago but i have absolutely no recollection of it at all. i can't believe i knew about the meeting time before Friday because i don't remember making any note, mental or not, about the meeting time. ARGH. i was majorly pissed off, seriously. and i really wanted to box someone there and then because they were so.. i don't know, self-righteous about the whole thing. like hello, listen to my side of the story will you? i know you're all very busy too and the whole world doesn't revolve around me. but no one was even listening to my explanation anyway, i don't even know why i bothered trying to explain myself since they were more interested in telling me how superbly inconsiderate i was. i'm already trying so hard to strike a balance in hall life and the rest of my life, but no one seems to understand that i need to spend more time in hall now because i'm just starting out, just beginning to make friends, just getting into the swing of things. i don't expect everyone to embrace my choice with open arms, but don't keep telling me things that connote that i'm just wasting my time and my life away. i know it's supposed to be cos people care, but it's so hard to see that underneath all the self-righteousness and bad vibes i think i'm getting.
i haven't ranted in a really long time but last night's confrontation made something in me snap and i'm trying so hard to be rational and see where they're coming from and not lose my temper. if i weren't in Zion's Joy to serve in ministry and do God's work, if i were in it for so many other reasons, i'd have retaliated majorly and there would've been a fight. i know how i get when i lose my temper. i've never lost it outside home, outside my family. but i was
this close to it last night when the 3 of them came to talk to me and if i didn't bite my tongue and remind myself of why i still make myself go back every Saturday when all i really want to do is hide at home and sleep, i would've seriously shouted my head off. i don't lose my cool easily, but one of the things that really gets me riled up is when i'm misunderstood/misinterpreted/not understood at all. i hatehatehate it and my top blows whenever it happens.
ARGH.
so maybe they were right, i didn't listen, didn't take note of the meeting times. maybe they were right, i was irresponsible and inconsiderate because i ruined their Saturday night plans. so maybe i can take a step back and look at all this from an unbiased perspective and recognise i was in the wrong somewhere. but somewhere somehow i couldn't have been wrong all the way and i wish they could see it. i'm trying to see where they're all coming from, but i wish they'd try to understand my point of view.
people disappoint all the time. even people who you think are wonderful people, even people who you adore, even people who you look up to. i know i disappoint regularly.
