i had a good chat with Clement over lunch just now. realised i haven't spoken to him or any of the guys for a supremely long time already. we talked about a lot of the things that's been happening in my life the past few weeks. so many changes ever since i came into KR, changes i never envisioned, changes i never imagined, changes i never really wanted.
and i think cos the guys have already stayed in hall the last 2 years, they've got this 'been there, done that' air about them that makes me wary about what i share with them. it's kinda like a baby antelope learning how to run, enjoying the thrill of a near-death escape with a lion or whatever and telling it's mother that it enjoys the high of being chased.. and the mother antelope just shakes her head and tells the baby antelope that even though it's fun being chased, it's rather dangerous, to put it mildly. now of course that was a very ridiculous analogy, we all know that baby antelope do not enjoy getting chased by lions or anything that has teeth. but i feel a little too prematurely wary about hall life for my liking, and it's weird knowing that something's not very good for you but yet you plunge into it headfirst.
and i'm getting slightly worried about my schoolwork too. yes, i know it's a bit early to panic, but i need to get back on track where my work is concerned. i think my lethargy towards academic pursuits stem from the 6 month break. vegetating in front of the tv or at work don't count as worthy brain-exercising activities. Clem reminded me today about my job as a student. and yes, i think it was a timely reminder because i might have really forgotten about it in a couple of weeks if this goes on.
and Clem also told me to be careful about how i portray myself in hall. i think i might be earning myself a less-than-desirable reputation as a sort-of-bimbo. you know, i used to employ the persona of a bimbo to hide behind whenever i met new people. it's so much easier to be stupid than to be smart all the time. but recently, i find this bimbo side of me surfacing more and more regularly. i think i'm beginning to do this sub-consciously. but i'd really like to think i'm more than just a veneer of superficiality. i'd really like to think i'm a lot deeper than i seem to be, that there's a lot more to me than the ditzy airhead 90% of the people i meet see. but at the same time, i don't want that more real side of me to surface because it's a lot more vulnerable, a lot more sensitive and a lot more hurt than i'd want others to see.
today was a prime example. when i first started talking to Clement, we were talking about all the fun, frolicky things, about hall life and the like. then after a while the conversation drifted into more serious things and the bimbo side of me retreated and the other more serious side surfaced. and it was so hard to keep my tears in check as i spoke because what we spoke about struck a raw chord in me.
am i really such a bitchy person? i always thought i bitched about people minimally and i always tried not to. but it seems that some people don't really think so. i know i shouldn't care about what others say about me, but i think it's just human nature to bother about our own flaws and whether others see them in us.
i'm tired. i'm gonna take a nap before swimming training at 7pm.
