i had a good chat with Clement over lunch just now. realised i haven't spoken to him or any of the guys for a supremely long time already. we talked about a lot of the things that's been happening in my life the past few weeks. so many changes ever since i came into KR, changes i never envisioned, changes i never imagined, changes i never really wanted.

and i think cos the guys have already stayed in hall the last 2 years, they've got this 'been there, done that' air about them that makes me wary about what i share with them. it's kinda like a baby antelope learning how to run, enjoying the thrill of a near-death escape with a lion or whatever and telling it's mother that it enjoys the high of being chased.. and the mother antelope just shakes her head and tells the baby antelope that even though it's fun being chased, it's rather dangerous, to put it mildly. now of course that was a very ridiculous analogy, we all know that baby antelope do not enjoy getting chased by lions or anything that has teeth. but i feel a little too prematurely wary about hall life for my liking, and it's weird knowing that something's not very good for you but yet you plunge into it headfirst.

and i'm getting slightly worried about my schoolwork too. yes, i know it's a bit early to panic, but i need to get back on track where my work is concerned. i think my lethargy towards academic pursuits stem from the 6 month break. vegetating in front of the tv or at work don't count as worthy brain-exercising activities. Clem reminded me today about my job as a student. and yes, i think it was a timely reminder because i might have really forgotten about it in a couple of weeks if this goes on.

and Clem also told me to be careful about how i portray myself in hall. i think i might be earning myself a less-than-desirable reputation as a sort-of-bimbo. you know, i used to employ the persona of a bimbo to hide behind whenever i met new people. it's so much easier to be stupid than to be smart all the time. but recently, i find this bimbo side of me surfacing more and more regularly. i think i'm beginning to do this sub-consciously. but i'd really like to think i'm more than just a veneer of superficiality. i'd really like to think i'm a lot deeper than i seem to be, that there's a lot more to me than the ditzy airhead 90% of the people i meet see. but at the same time, i don't want that more real side of me to surface because it's a lot more vulnerable, a lot more sensitive and a lot more hurt than i'd want others to see.

today was a prime example. when i first started talking to Clement, we were talking about all the fun, frolicky things, about hall life and the like. then after a while the conversation drifted into more serious things and the bimbo side of me retreated and the other more serious side surfaced. and it was so hard to keep my tears in check as i spoke because what we spoke about struck a raw chord in me.

am i really such a bitchy person? i always thought i bitched about people minimally and i always tried not to. but it seems that some people don't really think so. i know i shouldn't care about what others say about me, but i think it's just human nature to bother about our own flaws and whether others see them in us.

i'm tired. i'm gonna take a nap before swimming training at 7pm.

3:20 PM;

i'm back in my room inbetween my 4-hour lecture marathon later at 2pm and my seriously incomprehensible stats tutorial earlier on at 11am. i wonder what i'm gonna do about stats. sigh. i didn't understand the tutor AT ALL. and i think she didn't understand us either. language problem.

i miss my family, surprisingly. haven't seen them since Saturday but it feels longer than that since i went in and out of my house in like 2 hours only before going to church and back to hall after that. i think i'm gonna go back home on Friday night and come back on Sunday morning only or something. and i haven't met so many people in such a long time either. this week seems like catch-up week cos i've made plans with Clem and Trina on my free days. sigh. i'm feeling pretty low today. don't know why though, i shouldn't have any reason to feel down.

maybe it's cos i didn't get enough sleep last night, having slept at 4am. i tried to do my stats tutorial when i came back to my room at about 3 but i could only do two questions before getting irritated and shoving all the papers back into my file. then i tried reading the stats textbook, thinking it's time i catch up on my work. but i read all of two pages then couldn't really focus anymore.

i slept very easily last night. which was surprising considering i drank coffee just before that. i thought i'd have a lot of trouble falling asleep, but the moment my head touched the pillow and i started my night prayer, i drifted off into a peaceful sleep. no dreams last night!


OMG I JUST REALISED I MISSED AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!


wth man. i was so free last night. i could've watched it in peace since i didn't have anything on. argh!

nevermind. at least i didn't waste the rest of the night away. my thoughts are all in a jumble now. think i'll just post up random photos of the last few weeks here. i know photo albums exist on the internet but i've always been too lazy to upload all my photos.




omg this is just proof of how damn lazy i feel right now. i can't be bothered to upload anymore photos. all i want to do now is sleep sleep sleep. no 4-hour lecture marathons for me thanks.

more pics next time i guess.

1:00 PM;

juggling hall life and the rest of my life is really really really really REALLY tough. after soccer carnival yesterday, i had to rush back home to change and all for bizad dnd before rushing down to zj. something had to give cos i only had 2 hours to play with and so many million things to do and so many places to be. oh, and i was supposed to have a core meeting on Saturday night. which i didn't wanna go for cos i already got tickets to the dnd. and i ended up pissing the entire core cos they thought i was being super irresponsible.

i was mighty upset cos apparently they all said meeting had been fixed for Saturday night since 2 weeks ago. but i really don't remember it being fixed. i thought it was Saturday afternoon, and i'd already told Wilfred that i probably won't be able to make it on Saturday last week. and and.. sigh basically the three of them insisted that i was being inconsiderate and that i shouldn't have cancelled on them last minute.. but i really only knew about the meeting on friday wnen Wilfred messaged me, and i told him that i wouldn't be able to make it the moment i got the message.

aiyah whatever lah. i think my mind has a hole or something cos they all insisted that i knew about the meeting since 2 weeks ago but i have absolutely no recollection of it at all. i can't believe i knew about the meeting time before Friday because i don't remember making any note, mental or not, about the meeting time. ARGH. i was majorly pissed off, seriously. and i really wanted to box someone there and then because they were so.. i don't know, self-righteous about the whole thing. like hello, listen to my side of the story will you? i know you're all very busy too and the whole world doesn't revolve around me. but no one was even listening to my explanation anyway, i don't even know why i bothered trying to explain myself since they were more interested in telling me how superbly inconsiderate i was. i'm already trying so hard to strike a balance in hall life and the rest of my life, but no one seems to understand that i need to spend more time in hall now because i'm just starting out, just beginning to make friends, just getting into the swing of things. i don't expect everyone to embrace my choice with open arms, but don't keep telling me things that connote that i'm just wasting my time and my life away. i know it's supposed to be cos people care, but it's so hard to see that underneath all the self-righteousness and bad vibes i think i'm getting.

i haven't ranted in a really long time but last night's confrontation made something in me snap and i'm trying so hard to be rational and see where they're coming from and not lose my temper. if i weren't in Zion's Joy to serve in ministry and do God's work, if i were in it for so many other reasons, i'd have retaliated majorly and there would've been a fight. i know how i get when i lose my temper. i've never lost it outside home, outside my family. but i was this close to it last night when the 3 of them came to talk to me and if i didn't bite my tongue and remind myself of why i still make myself go back every Saturday when all i really want to do is hide at home and sleep, i would've seriously shouted my head off. i don't lose my cool easily, but one of the things that really gets me riled up is when i'm misunderstood/misinterpreted/not understood at all. i hatehatehate it and my top blows whenever it happens.

ARGH.

so maybe they were right, i didn't listen, didn't take note of the meeting times. maybe they were right, i was irresponsible and inconsiderate because i ruined their Saturday night plans. so maybe i can take a step back and look at all this from an unbiased perspective and recognise i was in the wrong somewhere. but somewhere somehow i couldn't have been wrong all the way and i wish they could see it. i'm trying to see where they're all coming from, but i wish they'd try to understand my point of view.

people disappoint all the time. even people who you think are wonderful people, even people who you adore, even people who you look up to. i know i disappoint regularly.

9:27 AM;

i'm how dead man! my lecture contents are all just flying over my head. i don't understand a word of what's going on, especially for stats. STATS. i don't do math! i haven't done math since sec 4! HOW??

okay. relax, Kelly. you can do this.

AND I HAVE SOCCER TRAINING TOMORROW MORNING AT 530AM!!!!!!!! oh wait, it is 530 already.

i am so upset. i cannot survive like this in the long run, seriously. i need my 10 hours of sleep.
and i just came back from Mel's room after delivering her fillet-o-fish from supper with Nick and his friend.

haha you know, actually i'd wanted to blog about something intelligent today. cos something has been eating at my mind the past few days. but so much for the intelligent post! now i've just degenerated into whining and complaining about my inability to sleep.

sigh. i think i'll be skipping stats lecture tomorrow morning. i don't know how i'm gonna survive, seriously. even if i go, i think i'll probably be dozing off 99% of the time anyway. like IT lecture on Wed. it was terrible! i was so tired i kept nodding off.

staying up late doesn't really agree with me i think. i need to get my body clock back in sync. ha, but hall's making that practically impossible. so much for discipline eh.

5:33 AM;

I'm really very fond of you,
he said.

I don't like fond.
It sounds like something
you would tell a dog.

Give me love,
or nothing.

Throw your fond in a pond,
I said.

But what I felt for him
was also warm, frisky,
moist-mouthed,
eager,
and could swim away

if forced to do so.



-Alice Walker

2:36 AM;

let me tell you a little about the human psyche.
okay, so i'm no psychology student. but i've been alive for long enough to observe with my eyes and i've had enough friends to observe.

i don't really understand my observations, but well, we can't understand everything there is to understand. i've learnt to accept that, though slightly begrudgingly.

i've noticed that people always want what they cannot have. and once they CAN have what they want, it suddenly becomes a lot less desirable than when they couldn't have it.
i've also noticed that even if you like someone but you don't exactly admit it to anyone, yourself included, it's okay and you can still interact relatively normally. but once you say it out, say "you know what, i think i might like him", it suddenly becomes super difficult to interact normally without feeling awkward.
when does the okay suddenly cross over to awkward? it's such a fine line.
i've noticed that the line between crush and like is quite fine too. when do i have a crush on someone? then when do i start to like someone? and then when do i start to fall in love?
i've noticed that when you like someone, you tend to expect ridiculous things. things you wouldn't normally even contemplate or believe to be true. like when someone's nice to you and all, you wouldn't think "hey, he must like me too!" when you don't like that person. you'd just think to yourself that the guy's a really nice guy, end of story. but when you do like him.. every single nice thing he does for you is read as a possibility of like. every single message or conversation he initiates is seen as a possibility of like too. and everytime you see his name on your phone when a message comes in or on your computer screen, you start to get excited and nervous and quite silly - even when it's a totally work-related message.

the human psyche is really so weird. i could go on about this for quite a bit more but i think there isn't any point in continuing. cos the bottomline is: people act weird when they're in love. or before love sets in, even before that. i don't like seeing myself act weird when i look down at myself from faraway, look at my actions and analyze my thoughts. i don't like seeing myself so silly and stupid and unable to control my feelings for someone.

okay anyway. i'm going to Sheares for supper now. thinking makes me hungry.

11:15 PM;

silly Kelly never really learns from her mistakes! sigh.
keeping 6am nights isn't really agreeing with me. and what's the point of all the late nights, i might ask? ohh don't ask!
i resolved to sleep early tonight. but it's 230am now and i've just finished printing my notes and i just ended quite a depressing msn conversation with a friend.

one-sidedness always sucks.

i'd readily throw this whole frothy, frolicky business into the wind in a flash if i could, and i think i still can because that's just what it is for now - froth and foam and bubbles in the air.

2:37 AM;

it's a Friday again! i've been losing track of time cos my sleeping hours the last few days have been quite screwed up. been playing bridge with my block mates at night till weird hours in the am. like last night - we stayed up till 7am to play bridge then went down for breakfast before coming back up at 8am to sleep. i had a 2pm lect so that meant i could sleep in till quite late, at least. but still! if this goes on i'll become extremely nocturnal and my body clock will become completely screwed.

and you know what? i don't know what the hell i'm doing in business. no, really! i really wanna go to arts and i think i'll do a lot better there.. but it's so stupid don't you think? ohh i really shouldn't have just gone to business without thinking properly about everything.

beauty is really really extremely subjective. and though it's only skin deep, it's nonetheless still important, no matter how anyone can say that it's what's inside that really counts. when you meet a new group of people, you'll most likely want to talk to the more good-looking people first. then the more you talk to them, the more you realise that they're nice people. but it's the looks that draw first, isn't it?

aiyah whatever man. i'm quite tired of thinking of all this beauty business. some people may think you're hot but to some others, you're just average. someone else may think you're the ugliest creature on the planet but to someone else, you're the sweetest thing ever. you may think you look like crap, but in someone else's eyes, you're the prettiest. i don't know what's going on, but i feel myself slipping off the edge of the cliff and i don't know where i'm falling.


Dear Goat,

How does one fall in love? Do you trip? Do you stumble, lose your balance and drop to the sidewalk, graze your knee, graze your heart? Do you crash to the stony ground? Is there a precipice, from which you float, over the edge, forever?

I know I'm in love when I see you, I know when I long to see you. Not a muscle has moved. Leaves hang unruffled by any breeze. The air is still. I have fallen in love without even taking a step. When did this happen? I haven't even blinked.

I'm on fire. Is that too banal for you? It's not, you know. You'll see. It's what happens. It's what matters. I'm on fire.

I no longer eat, I forget to eat. Food looks silly to me, irrelevant. If I even notice it. But I notice nothing. My thoughts are full and raging, a house of brothers, related by blood, feuding blood feuds:

"I'm in love."
"Typically stupid choice."
"I am, though. I'm racked by love as if love were pain."
"Go ahead. Fuck up your life. It's all wrong and you know it. Wake up. Face it."
"There's only one face I see, it's all I see, awake or asleep."

I threw the book out of the window last night. I tried to forget. You are all wrong for me, I know it, but I no longer care for my thoughts unless they're thoughts of you. When I'm close to you, in your presence, I feel your hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from you, sometimes. Then I look back.

When I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I drive my car, when I lie down each night without you, I remain,

As ever,
Ram


The Love Letter, Cathleen Schine.

6:58 PM;

it's been a week since i've moved into hall.. and it's been one heck of a tiring week!
fun, yes, but damn tiring! the chorusing of "i'm damn tired" has become commonplace everywhere around me. it frequently comes from my own lips as well.
we've been playing this dating game thing which basically involves juniors dating the seniors for formal dinner night.
so. i had to do things to date a guy. like hello, no guy has ever done things to date me yet lah. talk about unfair man.
anyway. i basically did enough embarrassing things to last me my entire hall stay here already. i gave the guy a rose on stage (kinda - the stage was just two chairs), sang a song for him (once again, kinda only cos he wasn't there when i sang), wrote him a million and one notes, gave him presents.. like HELLO! my romantic princessy side demands that all this should be done to ME, and not the other way round.
sigh.
but on a brighter note, the guy's accepted! so i can stop doing all the nice things i wanna reserve for my future boyfriend. ha.

i know i'm gonna sound schizophrenic, but i also kinda wish he didn't say yes so early, cos doing all the stuff for him was kinda fun. especially since i had a group of wonderful girls to do all the stuff with!

fwoc's over already... it was a great past week and all, but i'm also glad it's over. damn exhausting! i ended up skipping breakfasts practically every morning so i could catch a few more hours of shut-eye. and the food, i tell you... yucks man. :( i don't know how i'm gonna survive on hall food for the next 3 months.

8:43 PM;