Tomorrow night finally became tonight.
Everything's out in the open, and yet nothing's changed.
If anything, talking just made me a hundred million times more vulnerable and confused about what to do.
At least before all this, I could you know, maybe attempt to pretend everything away.
I'm so.. so.. sigh. I don't know what I am anymore.
I was hoping that talking about it all would bring me back to my senses and help shake me out of this weird stagnation. But it's just made me feel more helpless cos now, I have no idea what I should do next.
I'm so tired.
I was so tired today even though I slept till 1pm.
I think it's an exhaustion that's not purely physical but instead springs from my mental and emotional imbalance too.
I know no judgements were passed, but I judged myself and the verdict was none too good.
I'm not being too hard on myself, I reckon. I've been too easy on me already - I need to be harder.
And I'm so ARGH because the resolution I'd expected didn't materialise. I'd wanted to be scorned at, laughed at, whatever, - so I'd be jolted out of my silliness once and for all.
I so badly wanted to hear "It's never gonna happen."
But I heard none of that!
And I'm still mired where I was two nights before.
So talking didn't solve anything - it just made everything all the more real and more impossible for me to hide away from.
I think it's cruel, how everything's turned out.
Even my intention of minimising interaction failed miserably because of circumstances which force interaction quite frequently.
It's hard to think of all this as God's plan for me, that He's allowing me to suffer so much pain right now because He loves me. I'm so torn!
All I want to do is stay far far away because if I didn't, I might lose it and hit someone.
I was trying to blank out all the depression on my way to church this afternoon, when even my attempt to do that was thwarted. Because this song started playing over the radio in dad's car:
____ you're a star in the face of the sky.
When I realised what was playing, I just thought to myself bloody hell.

SYD rally BBQ at SFX just now.
Being around so many people was kinda hard because I just didn't feel like talking to anyone about anything.
I haven't felt like talking since getting home last night.
Last night was a turning point for me, but I don't know if it's for the better. Because right now, things are shaping up in a weird way, I can't decide whether it's improving or not.
I'm glad last night happened, and yet I also half-wish last night never happened.
Because now, everything's just become a lot realer. I can't pretend it all away anymore.
And I feel like crying so badly - and yet the tears won't come. It's such a bad feeling, feeling that I want to cry to release some of the hurt inside, but the hurt's so deep that crying doesn't even cut it anymore. It's a pain that's beyond tears, beyond anger. It's paralyzing me and making me so numb, so indifferent to everything.


It's weird, when love and hate collide.
The two are opposites, and yet sometimes, they merge right into each other.


sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to say the meanest words
sometimes the most cruel thing you can do is to be nice
sometimes the most painful pain is the feeling of nothing

11:12 PM;