Okay, I take back my words about being able to function like that.
Hell, no!
I'm really disintegrating before my very eyes. I feel the plaster peeling away dangerously and try as I might to stick back the peeling plaster, it still peels.
Today was a prime example. I probably appeared perfectly fine and normal to almost everyone except those who really scrutinise me - but I tell you, I was so not fine. For some reason or the other, I wasn't able to function well today.
Even my minute-taking wasn't as per usual. It's funny, cos I fooled everyone, even myself, into thinking that I'm okay, I can handle all this right now, nothing has to change.
When the truth is that
everything has to change.
And now when I do want things to change, it seems that I keep getting disappointed. I get this feeling that I've been had several times over, and that's what's getting to me.
That I'm being taken on somebody else's joy ride.
And I'm so tempted to just like, whatever the whole thing. I mean, come on. What else am I expected to think if the same thing happens time after time again?
When 'tomorrow' or 'next week' stays tomorrow or next week and never materialises?
When later never becomes now?
When 'this Friday' becomes 'next Tuesday' then subsequently never?
You get my drift.
It's so incredibly frustrating to keep thinking: 'oh, yay! i can finally get this whole thing resolved!' only to keep having to say subsequently: 'oh, so.. since you're not free tomorrow, how about next week?'
ARGH!
And this doesn't just concern me, bloody hell. If it were just about me, I wouldn't bother so much because I'd just pull an ostrich stunt and hide my head in a hole.
But as I said, it's not just about me. That's why it's so crucial to sort things out asap.
Frick, I'm getting increasingly pissed off typing all this in.
BadbadBAD. I think it's cos I was trying to repress all the irritation earlier on.
Pressure cooker effect.
My temper has been very touchy these days. The slightest aggravation really sets me off.
I realise I'm a bit like a geyser. Those holes in the ground that spout out hot spring water at high pressures.
All the water collects underground first because of the increasing pressure. Then when the pressure finally becomes too great, the water shoots out of the hole, resulting in the geyser.
When people piss me off, it all collects underground first, unseen to the rest of the world. But when more and more people piss me off and something in me finally snaps, my temper just
whoosh comes out, abrasive and painful.
I guess that's what makes me such a dangerous person to be around, in that sense. Because all these small irritations collect and build up in me until there comes a point when I decide that it's too much - frick it.
I AM IRRITATED. Period.
For so many reasons, and yet I can pin-point the trigger.
My ability to bear grudges for the most inane things scares me. Sometimes, I don't even realise I'm bearing a grudge against a certain person. It's all sub-conscious until one fine day, when the person says/does something to annoy me, it all comes right back.
Argh I'm not in the right frame of mind to execute Sunday's AmazinGrace.
So now, where I fall short in, I need to find in Jesus. It's so hard, though. So impossibly hard to just put aside my confused web of emotions and see things objectively and without bias.
Masochistically, I'm clinging on tighter to my cross now.
There is a lesson to be learnt from all this, I know it. And I think I half know the lesson I'm learning so painfully.
But being silly Kelly who wants to continue living in her own bubble world of roses and happy smiles, I keep turning my head away and closing my eyes, insisting I'm not seeing any light when even through the blackness of my closed eyelids, I can sense the black lightening and light filtering through.
