the world's gonna say hello to a much much much more cheerful Kelly from now on!
haha.
because.. yesterday was my last day of work! :)
and also because i passed my final theory test today!
it seems like my life's starting to fall nicely into place again. which is great! i mean, i'm a creature of stability. i don't react to changes in my life very well.
but positive changes.. i like! heh.
i decided to blog again. mainly because i need an outlet for all my thoughts, to verbalise a bit of the feelings inside. partially because i'm gonna be so free from now to August. and maybe cos i need to occupy myself lest i pull a stupid stunt a la 2004's Kamikaze of the Year.
in fact, i came sooooooooo close to doing the exact same thing.
WHY DON'T I EVER LEARN?
i wonder!
the letter's still sitting very nicely in my notepad, waiting to be completed and folded.
but after reading my past entries, i think i got knocked back to my senses and realised that i was on the verge of doing something i'd potentially regret for a long time. like the last time it happened!
and i no longer have the urge to give anyone any note any time soon.
i think i should shred the letter in my room just in case i ever have such a stupid notion again.
my self-confidence is at an all time low these days.
i think it's due to an excess of "Your sister is such a
special girl" blared in my ear a hundred million times.
don't get me wrong, i love my sister to bits and i do think she's a very special girl.
but hearing it from friends repeatedly dredges up old ghosts of how my relatives all used to coo over her giftedness, barely noticing i was around and treating me like part of the living room landscape.
in fact, there was a particular year when it got so bad cos it was a case of everything i could do, she could do it too even though she's 2 years younger - and she did it better to boot.
i started reading at what most people would call a very young age. probably when i was 3 or so?
when i started picking up reading, my sister did too. at the age of 1-and-a-half.
it was sheer precociousness and i think i knew it at that age when she started fighting with me for my mother's attention to learn new words and over
Highway magazines which i loved to pore over as a kid.
i remember my mother laughing in delight at my sister's intelligence and fiestiness.
and as we grew up, it appeared that she could do practically everything just as well, or even better than me, even though she was learning it 2 years before i did.
in secondary school, my confidence was at an all time low because she'd gotten into the Gifted Programme and was arguing with me all the time about the right words to use to describe the underside of a mushroom and silly little things like that.
it was only when i got elected as a School Prefect that i started to feel more confident of myself.
yeah, even though all throughout primary school, i appeared to be this self-assured kid who other kids looked up to as the leader for reasons i still cannot understand to this day.
haha but guess what? my sister followed the same route as i did and ended up being in Council and taking up an ex-co position - exactly what i did too.
it seemed to me that there was absolutely nothing i could do that she couldn't.
and it still seems that way!
i probably sound bitter and all here, but i'm seriously not. the bitterness had all worn off a long time ago, and now it's just resignation.
yes, i AM very proud of her too, that she's such a wonderful and gifted individual in so many ways.
it's just that.. everytime people keep harping on how incredibly fabulous she is, it seems (to me) to be a mockery of my own inadequacy next to her.
and it's a million times more hurtful when the person you care so much about keeps emphasising on it.
i used to cry like crap whenever i spoke of this, cos i think it's a long-standing hurt that's just been covered up by a veneer of whatever phoney confidence i seem to emulate.
and on Sunday, i suddenly felt like crying too.
because i was reminded of how horrid i used to feel whenever people compared us to each other in the past.
and i think now it could be worse, cos she's achieved so many things that i haven't.
she's a wonderful athelete, brilliant in her schoolwork, has undeniable leadership qualities, she looks so hot now..
heh all of which i seem to lack.
my little sister's even got a boyfriend who's actually a very good catch. and i'm really glad she's with him and not anyone else.
but sigh all i've got is my wasted feelings for someone. i know it's a waste of my time and i'm trying so hard to get rid of my feelings for him. ha and i can't even do that!
bleah. after typing about all this unpleasantness, the cheerful Kelly the world's supposed to see is fast disappearing.
i am in a decidedly agitated mood now.
looks like i'm gonna have to bury myself in an afternoon of theSims2, and hopefully my mood would've improved by the time evening comes around so i can go for Mass without feeling like i want to bash somebody - anybody - up.
ARGHH.
