i had the most unsettling talk with Clement last night. i think he asked me about some things that really hit a raw nerve - things which made me cry when i spoke of them.
which is surprising, considering how i HARDLY cry when i talk to people about the tough stuff, except maybe with Trina who's seen me bawl in a very unglam fashion more than once.
but looking back, i think it was good he asked me all those stuff cos it all had to come out somewhere.
in a nutshell, he asked me about who i really am as a person.
and that hit me hard, cos just yesterday afternoon when Trina came over, i was telling her how i felt like such a bloody hypocrite. seeming like one person when i was around my friends in church and being a totally different person when i'm with her.
it all boiled down to me having things i want to hide from people - which thereby forces me to act differently when i'm with them.
i know, the dichotomy shouldn't be so great, but because i try so hard to say the correct thing instead of what i actually wanna say, i end up coming across as a person who i'm really not.
argh.
my eyes hurt like crap now because crying wrecks HAVOC with my looks. seriously.
i wish there weren't a difference in how i behave. it's tiring having to keep hiding.
that was one of the reasons, as i'd explained to Clem, why i want to stay in hall.
in part, to get away from people who're making me behave so wretchedly.
reasons don't always have to be good and solid. some reasons make perfectly no sense to everyone except to yourself. this is one of those.
i hate having to keep up two personalities. as it is, i already feel mildly schizophrenic.
this has got to stop and i think the only way i can do this is to completely detach myself of my feelings for a while and live life away from home. at least for a while.
