desperation that eats at the very core of your inner self is a scaryscary feeling.
it feels a bit like a termite at work, slowly chewing away at the internal structure of the wall - but no one knows. why? because the wall looks perfectly stable on the outside. no holes, nothing.
but one fine day, when the inside of the wall becomes too thoroughly rotten, the entire wall collapses into a pile of sawdust.
i'm afraid that's what's gonna happen to me if i don't arrest this feeling of quiet desperation and chuck it out of the window.
and i've been feeling this general sense of unease of late.
even my decision to apply for hall when uni term begins seems to be a wrong decision.
i feel like it's what i want to do, but not God wants me to do.
and yet i can't completely not listen to my own desires and wants. i WANT to stay in hall, away from home and from people i need to get away from. and yet i feel that that isn't necessarily what God wants me to do.
i FEEL like i will go mad if i continue staying here like this, stuck in this suspended state of everything. and therefore my WANTS are fuelled by this conviction that i'm slowly losing my mind here.
but i also know that staying in hall will open up a whole new set of challenges for me, especially in my spirituality.
ARGH!
running away won't necessarily solve all my problems, i know. but look at how my whole thing last year was resolved. i forgot because i ran away persistently. it's like all throughout my 2 years in acjc, i was trying to run away into the distance and leave everything behind. but a string was tied to my ankles and to a pole. so everytime i ran, i'd run a fixed distance before the string starts to pull and restrict me from going any further. it was when i'd left school that i finally found the scissors in my pocket to cut the string - and off i scampered into the horizon without a second look back.
i feel that this could be dealt with in much the same way. that hopefully if i get away from home and all the people that restrict what i truly want to say, i'll maybe finally find the scissors in my pocket and i could then cut myself free to run far far away.
i don't know.
do you remember when you were 7?
and the only thing that you wanted to do
was to show your mom that you could play the piano
10 years have passed
and the one thing that lasts
is the same old song that we played along - that made my momma cry.
i miss those days and i miss those ways
when i got lost in fantasies
in a cartoon land of mysteries
in a place you won't grow old
in a place you won't feel cold
and i'll sing
seems i'm lost in my reflection
find a star for my direction
for the little girl inside who won't just hide
don't let me see mistakes and lies
let me keep my faith and innocent eyes.
innocent eyes//delta goodrem
