i am rather exhausted.
didn't get a good night's sleep last night cos my cramps were just KILLING me.
clutching my pillow to my tummy didn't help. rolling over to the left or right didn't help. just lying straight flat on my back didn't help either.
i just wanted to cry with all the nausea flooding my brain threatening to implode.
if having to endure such monthly torture is going to be a part of my life for the next 20 years or so... i don't know what to do.
everytime this happens, i tell myself that the pain is perfectly endurable, that it's nothing... compared to a lot of other things. compared to a lot of the other things that people suffer from in the world.
but after 5 hours of feeling wave after wave of pain which doesn't seem to be subsiding is enough to make my resolve not to cry crumble.
and i'm exhausted not just from the physical torment of yesterday but also emotionally, because i suddenly feel quite alone in spite of being surrounded by so many people.
Cheryl got pissed off with me on Sunday after choir practice and stomped off (literally) and ignored me (literally again).
i asked her what the heck i did to have made her so damn mad, but she just kept quiet and glared at me.
how am i supposed to respond to that?
then, because i'm not the kind of person who would apologise without knowing what i'm apologising for, i didn't say sorry or anything.
to me, an apology doesn't mean anything unless you honestly mean it. so i don't just throw out the word "sorry" very freely.
so it's weird now, cos everytime Cheryl messages me to ask me something, then when i reply, she won't exactly answer my question or she'll say something quite unrelated.
when that happens, i begin to wonder if i'm actually existing in a different dimension.
i just feel so drained now.
even when i sleep, my brain doesn't seem to be able to rest fully.
snippets of the day's events with people i'd rather not have to meet in my dreams keep replaying themselves.
and every night without fail, the same person/people keeps popping up in my dreams.
it's just sickening.
"What if I came to the end of my life and realized I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen places I'd been, because I'd thought of nothing but the Chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have?
I would be a dancer who had practised since childhood for a performance she would never give."
the geisha Sayuri in
Memoirs of a Geisha said these words and you have no idea how poignant they were to me as I saw them on the page of the book before me.
i bolded the last sentence because it struck me as particularly sad.. and it encapsulates just what a waste her entire life has been, doing whatever she did since young to reach a certain goal and having the necessary skills to do just that, only to discover later on that the goal does not exist. that there was never going to be a performance.
i can't wait for the show to open.
i would say a lot more about the quote from
Geisha i'd just put on top, but i think i won't.
not right now, not right here, anyway.
