Dear friends,
I'm sorry if you don't want to read about how messed up I'm feeling these days. You can just come simply come back in say, a month's time or so and I might be feeling better by then. I don't know, but you can try!
I realise that you mayn't want to read about my misery, so I'm just warning you now before the next few entries come and... chances are they won't be easy to digest. Especially if you'd rather see me as the rather happy, carefree person I appear to be. Don't spoil that untainted, too-perfect albeit extremely naive illusion that you have by visiting my blog anytime in the next month, because i assure you, you will leave feeling very disgruntled and impatient. Come back when all's nice and smiley again in my life and you will get more of the fluffy, bimbotic entries that i produce when i'm not bothered. Thanks.
Alright, now that's done and out of the way.. How to begin?
I don't even know where to start! But I do recognise that what I need to do firstly if I want to regain that sense of control over my life is to purge my inner crap. It's like detox. Catharsis is necessary. Although like Tim O' Brien says in
The Things They Carried, sometimes no matter how you try to rid yourself of the poison inside you by weaving them into words, it seems impossible and you end up going in circles inside your own head. O' Brien only managed to break free of the circle by employing the metaphor of the ice skater, who after skating around repeatedly in circles, finally manages to jump up high into the air and out of the circle.
Anyway. I've been throwing out fancy images without actually saying what I want to say. I tend to do that, I realise. In fact, I seem to be unable to say exactly what I feel these days. Not just here on my blog, but to the people I care about too. Whatever I want to tell those people gets stuffed deep inside of me and I try to pretend it doesn't exist. 'It' referring to particular emotions, by the way. I think I've become so cautious about what I say and what I acknowledge because of the horrible experience that last time I was just that little bit too careless about what I said. It left me traumatised for close to 2 years and probably scarred for what seems like life, judging from the attitude I have today. Sigh. But I stand firm to the promise I made to myself, that I'll never toss out words without thinking about the consequences of saying them first. In this case, the consequences would be dire and I will seriously never forgive myself if my worst fears are brought to life.
So. Although I'm extremely repressed and am bordering on the edge of cracking, I will hold my tongue until I know what's going on. Or until I'm sure. The best part is that no one knows what I'm talking about here! Not even the person/people who this is specifically targeted to. I'm getting so good at talking cryptically, the person/people I'm referring to will probably be able to read this without realising that this whole rant was meant for him/them. But not being able to say what I need to say and get the whole thing off my chest is taking its toll on me. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated and restless and yet I can't and won't do anything stupid. I am also annoyed with myself because I'm allowing my emotions, how I feel, my entire mood and day - to be controlled by external factors. And it's so damn dumb because whatever external factor that affects me doesn't even realise the impact the action has on my entire day. And yet I'm allowing my mood to be controlled like that. Why? I can't answer that.
I was talking to various people online just now, and I feel better after the random chatting and ranting. Unfortunately, I still wasn't able to spit out what's REALLY bothering me, and I doubt I ever will unless something significant happens to make me change my mind. But the something significant will never happen cos it's nothing short of a miracle, really. Nonetheless. I feel a bit better. Which is good, because I felt so rotten earlier on that I was walking around the house feeling as if there was a gigantic black cloud floating over my head, with thunder and lightning and everything.
I've been having trouble sleeping lately too, and it really seems to me that my sleeping woes are largely due to stress. It's like, I can be so damn tired that I can be seeing the world around me through a fog, with almost complete detachment. My eyes can be so tired, my brain can be so exhausted that I can hardly see straight. Then when I flop onto my bed and flick the light switch off, I close my eyes and expect the sweet rest and unconsciousness that sleep brings. I expect my tiredness to be washed away as sleep rolls over me like waves breaking on the shore. But this doesn't happen. Sleep doesn't come to me, and I spend the hours with my eyes tightly shut and in total darkness. Yet, slumber doesn't claim me. It's damn frustrating, because my limbs are so fatigued that I can hardly move them, and yet I can't fall asleep. Then when I finally doze off fitfully, the dreams haunt me; images of what I see in my waking hours permeate my mind and the very person/people I want to stop thinking about never fails to feature in my dreams. And when I wake up in the morning, I don't feel rested at all because half the night was spent trying to fall asleep, the other half spent disturbed by your face. That was what happened last night. I was so tired, and yet I couldn't sleep. And what went through my mind last night was a particular song (shucks, I forgot the title) and numbers flashing non-stop. The numbers and decimals are wholly due to the math work I was marking just before I went to bed. I was ready to scream when Dad woke me up at 730 this morning cos my brain felt like it was running the whole night. Then when I tried to nap in the afternoon, I freaking couldn't! I was ready to cry when the alarm rang at 2pm because my head was pounding and I couldn't focus my eyes. Right now as I am typing all this in, I'm thinking about how I'm gonna fall asleep tonight and I'm scared that I can't.
And I can't afford to spend another sleepless night tossing and turning, being chased even in my dreams with no reprieve from the harsh reality of my waking life because.. I have my basic theory driving test tomorrow afternoon and I have to have to pass. And. I might have to go for a job interview tomorrow morning too. So if I have another restless night, I might just really cry tomorrow morning.
On a lighter note, Man United WON!! :) I'm sitting here typing this in on my dad's laptop and with one eye on the tv... And Ferdinand scored and Man United won! They played Liverpool and I thought it was gonna end up as a draw cos there were only a few minutes left.. Heh. Football seems so remote to me now. It seems like a long time ago when I would faithfully turn on the tv every weekend to watch Man United's games.
