Today was my second day at work! It was thoroughly tiring, not in the mental sense, but in the physical sense. And I'm afraid if I do all this admin work for too long, my brains might just rot. Cos it's sooooooooooooo tedious and mind-numbing.
I want to watch America's Next Top Model now, so I shall scoot. More about work another day!

9:42 PM;

Dear friends,
I'm sorry if you don't want to read about how messed up I'm feeling these days. You can just come simply come back in say, a month's time or so and I might be feeling better by then. I don't know, but you can try!
I realise that you mayn't want to read about my misery, so I'm just warning you now before the next few entries come and... chances are they won't be easy to digest. Especially if you'd rather see me as the rather happy, carefree person I appear to be. Don't spoil that untainted, too-perfect albeit extremely naive illusion that you have by visiting my blog anytime in the next month, because i assure you, you will leave feeling very disgruntled and impatient. Come back when all's nice and smiley again in my life and you will get more of the fluffy, bimbotic entries that i produce when i'm not bothered. Thanks.


Alright, now that's done and out of the way.. How to begin?
I don't even know where to start! But I do recognise that what I need to do firstly if I want to regain that sense of control over my life is to purge my inner crap. It's like detox. Catharsis is necessary. Although like Tim O' Brien says in The Things They Carried, sometimes no matter how you try to rid yourself of the poison inside you by weaving them into words, it seems impossible and you end up going in circles inside your own head. O' Brien only managed to break free of the circle by employing the metaphor of the ice skater, who after skating around repeatedly in circles, finally manages to jump up high into the air and out of the circle.

Anyway. I've been throwing out fancy images without actually saying what I want to say. I tend to do that, I realise. In fact, I seem to be unable to say exactly what I feel these days. Not just here on my blog, but to the people I care about too. Whatever I want to tell those people gets stuffed deep inside of me and I try to pretend it doesn't exist. 'It' referring to particular emotions, by the way. I think I've become so cautious about what I say and what I acknowledge because of the horrible experience that last time I was just that little bit too careless about what I said. It left me traumatised for close to 2 years and probably scarred for what seems like life, judging from the attitude I have today. Sigh. But I stand firm to the promise I made to myself, that I'll never toss out words without thinking about the consequences of saying them first. In this case, the consequences would be dire and I will seriously never forgive myself if my worst fears are brought to life.

So. Although I'm extremely repressed and am bordering on the edge of cracking, I will hold my tongue until I know what's going on. Or until I'm sure. The best part is that no one knows what I'm talking about here! Not even the person/people who this is specifically targeted to. I'm getting so good at talking cryptically, the person/people I'm referring to will probably be able to read this without realising that this whole rant was meant for him/them. But not being able to say what I need to say and get the whole thing off my chest is taking its toll on me. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated and restless and yet I can't and won't do anything stupid. I am also annoyed with myself because I'm allowing my emotions, how I feel, my entire mood and day - to be controlled by external factors. And it's so damn dumb because whatever external factor that affects me doesn't even realise the impact the action has on my entire day. And yet I'm allowing my mood to be controlled like that. Why? I can't answer that.

I was talking to various people online just now, and I feel better after the random chatting and ranting. Unfortunately, I still wasn't able to spit out what's REALLY bothering me, and I doubt I ever will unless something significant happens to make me change my mind. But the something significant will never happen cos it's nothing short of a miracle, really. Nonetheless. I feel a bit better. Which is good, because I felt so rotten earlier on that I was walking around the house feeling as if there was a gigantic black cloud floating over my head, with thunder and lightning and everything.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately too, and it really seems to me that my sleeping woes are largely due to stress. It's like, I can be so damn tired that I can be seeing the world around me through a fog, with almost complete detachment. My eyes can be so tired, my brain can be so exhausted that I can hardly see straight. Then when I flop onto my bed and flick the light switch off, I close my eyes and expect the sweet rest and unconsciousness that sleep brings. I expect my tiredness to be washed away as sleep rolls over me like waves breaking on the shore. But this doesn't happen. Sleep doesn't come to me, and I spend the hours with my eyes tightly shut and in total darkness. Yet, slumber doesn't claim me. It's damn frustrating, because my limbs are so fatigued that I can hardly move them, and yet I can't fall asleep. Then when I finally doze off fitfully, the dreams haunt me; images of what I see in my waking hours permeate my mind and the very person/people I want to stop thinking about never fails to feature in my dreams. And when I wake up in the morning, I don't feel rested at all because half the night was spent trying to fall asleep, the other half spent disturbed by your face. That was what happened last night. I was so tired, and yet I couldn't sleep. And what went through my mind last night was a particular song (shucks, I forgot the title) and numbers flashing non-stop. The numbers and decimals are wholly due to the math work I was marking just before I went to bed. I was ready to scream when Dad woke me up at 730 this morning cos my brain felt like it was running the whole night. Then when I tried to nap in the afternoon, I freaking couldn't! I was ready to cry when the alarm rang at 2pm because my head was pounding and I couldn't focus my eyes. Right now as I am typing all this in, I'm thinking about how I'm gonna fall asleep tonight and I'm scared that I can't.

And I can't afford to spend another sleepless night tossing and turning, being chased even in my dreams with no reprieve from the harsh reality of my waking life because.. I have my basic theory driving test tomorrow afternoon and I have to have to pass. And. I might have to go for a job interview tomorrow morning too. So if I have another restless night, I might just really cry tomorrow morning.

On a lighter note, Man United WON!! :) I'm sitting here typing this in on my dad's laptop and with one eye on the tv... And Ferdinand scored and Man United won! They played Liverpool and I thought it was gonna end up as a draw cos there were only a few minutes left.. Heh. Football seems so remote to me now. It seems like a long time ago when I would faithfully turn on the tv every weekend to watch Man United's games.

10:46 PM;

all this excessive blogging is an effort to bring my writing standard back up to par before uni starts. i just decided to note that here before i forget why i'm blogging complusively these days. i'm really quite disturbed by the deterioration of my english you know. it was the one thing i was relatively good at. and now that i'm discovering that my language is slowly disappearing? i'm quite devastated, i can assure you.

my tummy is making weird whale-like noises again.
it's been at it the whole day, complete with diarrhoea which required me to make frequent dashes to the toilets.
heh. i realised that my tummy's making those whale noises, like Dory in Finding Nemo.
"hellooooooo haaaavee yoooouuuu seeennnn hiiiiiiss soooooooonn Neeeeeeeemoo"
but seriously, my stomach was acting all weird today.
i was walking from Raffles Place to Cecil Street today to get to the job agency, and was getting happily lost along Robinson Road. when my stomach gave a detestable lurch and i decided that i had to find a toilet - fast.
so i back-trackked to the station and exited to Republic Plaza, my mom's old office building. cos i knew there was definitely a toilet there.
but when i got to the entrance, there was this fierce looking guard standing next to a sign that read: Visitors, please leave your name and intent here in the book before proceeding.
or something along this line.
i was so desperate that i just walked straight up to the guard and said to him,
"i'm so sorry, but could you please direct me to the toilet?" - complete with a pained expression on my face which didn't need much acting on my part.
he started to laugh and pointed the way, leaving the way clear for me to make a dash.
and i was assaulted by that familiar urge to run to the toilet again when i was in Orchard. the thought of using the Orchard mrt toilets didn't appeal to me at all, so i decided to chance my upset stomach and make a run for Kovan mrt.
after which i just cabbed from there to church and locked myself up in the handicapped toilet for almost half an hour i think.

argh. i don't know why my stomach was so upset today, though. i'm pretty sure i didn't eat anything bad yesterday.
maybe it's the stress my stomach has been through since Tuesday. cos when i'm having cramps, i just don't eat at all. don't see the need to since it just comes right out anyway. so for like a day and a half, i just lie in bed and act dead. the only reason i'd get out of bed is when i need the toilet, or when the phone rings. when it's the latter, i just croak into the phone and ask whoever has called to please, if they have any mercy at all, to let me call he/she back much much later when i feel vaguely in control of my body again.
so i wasn't eating much on Tuesday and Wednesday.
but i ate damn a lot on Thursday (yesterday) cos it was Trina's birthday.
while watching Narnia, we bought popcorn, nachos and cookies.
i had carrot cake AND char kuay teow for lunch.
and Trina invited me to her place for dinner. her dad bought back chilli crabs and there was all this wonderful wonderful food, i ate so much. 2 helpings i think. plus the cake.
so it could be the sudden emptying than filling of my stomach that's making it not so agreeable.
like freeze-thaw action acting on rocks. it slowly breaks the rock apart because of frequent cycles of exposure to freezing temperatures and higher temperatures.
when i got home and looked at myself in the mirror last night, i almost fainted. my tummy was extremely obvious and so so so ROUND. i'd never seen my tummy look so round and ball-like before.
but today's toilet visitations... were horrible. i hope my stomach settles down tonight, though it's still making those funny whale sounds and squelches.

oh yes, the job agency. the reason why i left the house earlier this afternoon.
my interview with the actual company will probably be on Monday or Tuesday. and i hope i get the job.
staying at home doing nothing while my friends are all working isn't exactly healthy.
and.
deep breath.
i need my first pay check asap.
i went shopping in Orchard alone today (which is surprisingly not as lonely as you might imagine it to be!) and walked into a couple of shops where i saw things that i really wanted.
top of my list right now though are the tank tops from U2, which are going for 2 for $20.
i bought a black top from u2 today too. illegally though. if mom found out, she'd hit the roof.
cos i just bought a black top from Esprit yesterday under the pretext of it being a Chinese New Year top, which then grants it special status.
and i need new heels. unfortunately, being the rather height-less individual that i am, i'm starting to find it necessary to invest in good heels to make me appear more like my own age. my heels today just really killed my feet. by the time i got home and truly kicked them off, i couldn't feel my toes anymore. they were numb and i think they died.
and what else did i want? oh yes. tops and skirts from M)phosis. and a pair of slippers from there too.
i didn't even dare to walk into Mango or Zara today cos i was afraid i'd find too many things i would wanna get.
OH, and the white skirt from Fox which was still there when i went to check today.
ohmygoodness, and earrings and a bag from Topshop, a clutch from Dorothy Perkins, a balloon skirt from i forgot where already, various things from Forever21.
OHHH shutup Kelly! this is starting to read like a tai-tai's weekend shopping list.

see. the moment i get started on shopping... i just keep going on and on.

today on the bus ride home with Carol, i was feeling heavy hearted cos there was a particular something that was weighing on my mind. and as i stared out, my eyes just followed the cars as they zipped by and the people as they were passed by. and what struck me was that everything seemed to be moving in slow-mo. every thing that was moving seemed so heavy, so sluggish, so weighed down. like how i was feeling.
even the white egret (my favourite bird, by the way) seemed to take an extra long time in spreading its wings and flapping them to get into the air. to my eyes, everything seemed to be weighted down by something heavy.

then when i got home, made a few phone calls and got my things a little more straightened out, my heart began to feel so much lighter and i felt like a weight got taken off my shoulder. and when i realised that, i looked up at the ceiling and saw the fan whirring rapidly and merrily, an almost happy hum coming from the turning of the fan blades. i looked at the floor and saw a beetle scuttling quickly across. even the drumming of my fingers on the coffee table seemed so much faster and lighter.

hmm. so i guess what i realised was that the way you feel inside really affects the way you see things on the outside. like if you're feeling down and gloomy, everything surrounding you will seem to take on that overcast tone. on the other hand, if you're feeling up and joyful, whatever's around you will seem to exude that exuberance and cheer. the bird singing its song will seem more merry, the sunshine on your face will feel that much warmer and brighter, even the wind blowing through your hair will seem more playful.

it took me long to totally rid myself of all the negativity of the last 2 years. i don't think i'll ever forget the turmoil, though. even an innocent visit to Dover market with a totally different group of people would be enough to dredge up unpleasant ghosts of the past - which i'd really rather remain just that, the past.
but remembering those things wouldn't bring all the hurt that used to be attached to them. not anymore.
a little twinge of bittersweetness, but that would be it, i think.
i'm moving on, man. not that my circumstances have really changed though!
haha. because. i realise that all that's different now is the way i've handled the whole affair!
guy, check. feelings, check. friend, check. unreciprocated, check. my stupidity, missing.
see!

before i get back to my marking (which is moving agonisingly slowly, by the way), i have to say here that The Nanny is a perfect chill-out show.
it's superrrrrr bimbotic, superrrrr brainless and superrrrrr funny.
i used to be scared of Fran because of her big hair and short skirts.
but now, watching her always never fails to crack me up.
i could even laugh just now while i was watching it and doing my marking simultaneously.

1:23 AM;

i was reading my last year's blog and i'm very upset that my language has really really degenrated since then.
i think all the lit essays must have helped mantain my language when i was still in school, even though i thought then that they didn't. compared to my entries now, my last year's entries are all so.. polished and smooth.
this is very saddening.
i need to rediscover my writing ability somehow.
reading hasn't helped. i know that for a fact cos i've been reading an increasingly large number of books as the weeks zip by and with me still jobless.
writing something would help, though i can't think of anything to write about. besides whining here in my blog.
and. my punctuation and capitalization seems to have gone haywire. I used to type like this. Now. I'm far too lazy to move my finger to the Shift key on the keyboard to capitalize the first letters of my sentences.

oh well.
oh oh! a call from the job agency just came!
my lazy afternoon has just become a rather EVENTFUL one.
because if i get a job today, i will be really really happy!

12:48 PM;

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TRINA

yes, my lovely. happy 19th birthday to you! on the 19th of Jan.
i wish i could have thought of something more original other than catching a movie to celebrate this extra special day.. but today was alright.. right? :)
heh.
we finally watched Chronicles of Narnia today!!!
after weeks and weeks of "i don't know who i'm watching with yet", Tri and i finally got down to watching the show together.
it really was a marvellous show. very epic scale and grand.
and the soundtrack. ohh, i thought it was superb.
the music contributed to the atmosphere of the whole thing greatly. i think i must get the OST the moment it's out in stores.
i cried and cried bucket-loads of tears though! even though it wasn't a sad show in many respects.
even in the war scene which was supposed to look extremely grand, i cried.
cos the boy leading the whole army was so young. just a boy.
it dredged up memories of e4 lessons. made me think about how war steals away youth and the innocence of young men, some still mere boys. and everytime we discussed that in class, i would always get a bit sad.
that would explain why this particular poem from my Penguin Book of First World War Poetry caught my eye almost immediately when i read it, and i insisted on using it in some of my essay discussions, even though Mrs C didn't bring up the poem in class.

The Veteran by Margaret Postgate Cole
May, 1916

We came upon him sitting in the sun,
Blinded by war, and left. And past the fence
There came young soldiers from the Hand and Flower,
Asking advice of his experience.

And he said this, and that, and told them tales,
And all the nightmares of each empty head
Blew into air; then hearing us beside,
'Poor chaps, how'd they know what it's like?' he said.

And we stood there, and watched him as he sat,
Turning his sockets where they went away,
Until it came to one of us to ask
'And you're - how old?'
'Nineteen, the third of May.'


the last line struck me as particularly sad. only 19, this blind 'veteran'. and the other young soldiers couldn't even tell.
when i first read it, i was sitting in dad's car on my way to Yio Chu Kang station. and i teared.

sigh. it seems like i'm lacking my own words to express myself these days.
i keep having to turn to books to quote or song lyrics to emote. to say what i really feel.
that's quite bad right.
well, to me it seems bad anyway. cos i'm not used to not being able to say exactly what i feel.
i used to find solace in words.. but now, even the flow of words isn't able to let me expel what's inside. it's eating at me, making me feel quite... displaced.
okay, displaced isn't the right word to use.
making me feel...... hollow.

and i'm marking sec3 math homework now and i feel like killing someone. anyone.
it's seriously driving me crazy.
my red ticks/marks are becoming more and more vicious because i'm getting increasingly annoyed.
i feel like i'm stabbing the papers.

and this is a really strange entry in many ways.
i've jumped from emotion to emotion within paragraphs of each other.

i can't ramble here anymore. i've got a stack of work waiting to be corrected!
how?
and i've got a job interview tomorrow too.
how has my life degenerated into such undeniable chaos?
i really for the life of me don't know.

1:10 AM;

i just watched America's Next Top Model.
i love the show cos it's brainless entertainment. and because it's so bimbotic, it's extremely relaxing.
like this. all this mindless chatter about what my day was like, what i watched, what i did.. it's therapeutic too.
hmm. i read somewhere that you can never really objectively talk about pain until you've truly been through it and have found happiness after all that.
is that true?
hurt, i've definitely been through.
happiness.. well, maybe i haven't exactly found.
but can i look back at my hurts andtalk about them objectively now?
i think i could.
i can definitely see myself as being a fool for all the times i inflicted on myself torment.

11:40 PM;

i am rather exhausted.
didn't get a good night's sleep last night cos my cramps were just KILLING me.
clutching my pillow to my tummy didn't help. rolling over to the left or right didn't help. just lying straight flat on my back didn't help either.
i just wanted to cry with all the nausea flooding my brain threatening to implode.
if having to endure such monthly torture is going to be a part of my life for the next 20 years or so... i don't know what to do.
everytime this happens, i tell myself that the pain is perfectly endurable, that it's nothing... compared to a lot of other things. compared to a lot of the other things that people suffer from in the world.
but after 5 hours of feeling wave after wave of pain which doesn't seem to be subsiding is enough to make my resolve not to cry crumble.
and i'm exhausted not just from the physical torment of yesterday but also emotionally, because i suddenly feel quite alone in spite of being surrounded by so many people.
Cheryl got pissed off with me on Sunday after choir practice and stomped off (literally) and ignored me (literally again).
i asked her what the heck i did to have made her so damn mad, but she just kept quiet and glared at me.
how am i supposed to respond to that?
then, because i'm not the kind of person who would apologise without knowing what i'm apologising for, i didn't say sorry or anything.
to me, an apology doesn't mean anything unless you honestly mean it. so i don't just throw out the word "sorry" very freely.
so it's weird now, cos everytime Cheryl messages me to ask me something, then when i reply, she won't exactly answer my question or she'll say something quite unrelated.
when that happens, i begin to wonder if i'm actually existing in a different dimension.
i just feel so drained now.
even when i sleep, my brain doesn't seem to be able to rest fully.
snippets of the day's events with people i'd rather not have to meet in my dreams keep replaying themselves.
and every night without fail, the same person/people keeps popping up in my dreams.
it's just sickening.

"What if I came to the end of my life and realized I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen places I'd been, because I'd thought of nothing but the Chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be a dancer who had practised since childhood for a performance she would never give."

the geisha Sayuri in Memoirs of a Geisha said these words and you have no idea how poignant they were to me as I saw them on the page of the book before me.
i bolded the last sentence because it struck me as particularly sad.. and it encapsulates just what a waste her entire life has been, doing whatever she did since young to reach a certain goal and having the necessary skills to do just that, only to discover later on that the goal does not exist. that there was never going to be a performance.
i can't wait for the show to open.

i would say a lot more about the quote from Geisha i'd just put on top, but i think i won't.
not right now, not right here, anyway.

12:03 PM;

i don't know what the hell i'm getting myself into!!!
omg, seriously.
on Monday, i will be booed offstage, not once, but TWICE.
and the best part is - i'm actually allowing all these atrocities to happen.
why why why why WHY?
sigh. and double sigh.
i would elaborate more, but i think i'll save the whole story til Monday to tell.
cos i'm very certain that i'll have lots to say about the whole episode.

went shopping with Carol and Cheryl today.
i really need a job. asap.
there're manymanymanymanymanymanymany things that i reallyreallyreallyreallyreally wanna buy.
ugh.

tomorrow's gonna be an insane day.
chock full of back-to-back activities.
i'm really not so used to being so busy.
what i am used to is lolling around feeling oh-so-free, reading my books, watching my tv..
not all this... chaos.
but it's good lah, i think. keeping myself busy helps me keep my mind off over-working itself.
aiyah, but howwwww? just thinking about tomorrow makes me feel tired already.
think i must sleep early tonight so i'll have enough energy to sustain me the whole day.
i slept for 9hours last night so i thought i'd be really quite charged up for today, which wasn't that tiring in itself, just thinking about it.
but. by the time afternoon rolled around and i was getting ready to leave the house, i was so sleepy, that all i wanted to do was cancel my afternoon plans and just sleep.
but i thought to myself: cannot. cannot be so lazy. cannot always give in to my tiredness. cannot SLEEP!!
so yes.
going to bathe and sleep now. NOW.

11:31 PM;

it's been a few days into 2006 already! actually, 7 days to be exact.
but the days have flown by so quickly.
i think it's cos i have things to do every single day.
which is quite good, actually. cos if i'm idle at home with too much time on my hands, my mind tends to wander and tire itself out with strange thoughts.

phew. finally. i finally finished writing the article about the Kovan Hub thing for the newsletter.
it was dragging for so long that i got damn agitated whenever i thought about it waiting for me.
Carol just told me the other day that i was supposed to ask Cheryl to write an article about the 30th of December's dinner.
i was like. WHAT? since when??
sigh. so now looks like i'm stuck with writing that too.
i haven't written anything in ages and ages, and it seems that my brain has gotten a little rusty.
sucks to me.

i was thinking the other day..
it only seems like a few months ago when i first got into jc.
the memories are so clearly etched in my mind still.
but then, when i see my sister happily going to school, talking about her orientation, her subjects and her new classmates, i'm rudely reminded of the fact that my own orientation took place 2 years ago.
2 years. and yet it seems like a few months have elapsed since then only.
it's so weird, how my sense of real time has clouded over in my memory.
and when i cast my mind back to the Kelly of 2 years ago, i see the same girl feeling the same things as the Kelly of the present.
looking the same, talking the same, dressing the same.
it's as if i haven't grown up at all.
but i know that can't be it because 2 years cannot just fly by without significantly affecting the life of a person.
and i know that the last 2 years have wrought the most changes in me.
only that the changes are deep within me. the changes can't really be seen by anyone else.
subtle changes like a slight difference to the way i view my life, and yet great enough to leave a significant print in the sands of my life.
great enough to dictate the way i live my life.
to shape my thoughts and mould my actions.
it's strange, though, isn't it?
how no one can really see the changes. even myself.
i only notice the differences when i sit and think, reflecting on what i've done and said.
it's strange, isn't it?

12:50 PM;