i'm ashamed at my inability to discipline myself and sit down and study, and yet i don't care anymore.
the horrible terrible YUCKY As will be over in 2 days' time and i'm already watching tv and reading books like it's all over. and yet i don't feel totally guilty about it.
i realised that this trial we all call the A-Level Exams bring out the best and worst in everyone.
best in the sense that i never realised i possessed so much endurance and mental tenacity until i had to study for it. i used to be somewhat of a floater, just drifting through the days and not doing anything much productive. in fact, i foresee myself returning to that lazy existence once Thursday is over. the signs of that lifestyle returning is already becoming clearer now.
worst, in the sense that tempers flare for no apparent reason (mine did anyway), fuses are short and friendships are somewhat soured. i was probably a fairly unpleasant creature the past 3 weeks of exams, and i don't blame anyone but myself for those quarrels i've had with some people.
under normal circumstances, i'd really rather not have to quarrel or face confrontations, being the peace-loving creature i am. but put me under exam pressure and watch the sparks fly. not spectacularly or very obviously, but slowly, subtly, my temper bubbles over and i turn quite ugly.
and the worst traits unfold themselves when i face exam stress too. i become extremely extremely lazy where other things other than academic work is concerned. my previously concealed short temper becomes more apparent. my irridex is constantly at antagonism level even when there's no real trigger for it. and i tend to shoot my mouth off without thinking, and what usually comes out is quite nasty to hear.
i don't like that side of me that i've seen in the last few weeks. i've always known that all my bad characteristics were in me, just that they were more covered up in normal days.
reflections aside, i had cramps again today.
THANK GOODNESS IT WAS TODAY!
and not any later or earlier. any earlier and e8 would've been totally screwed. any later and e4 would've gone kaput too. even later and what was supposed to be a great shopping trip in Bangkok would've become no fun.
see what i mean? there's usually a silver lining around every dark cloud, cliched as it may sound.
