29 July 2005
Friday

sometimes, i think that i've completely forgotten.
then when i least expect it, a wave of nostalgia assaults my mind and makes me feel very vulnerable.
anything can trigger the nostalgia. anything.
from Dover market to old filed-up tutorials to phonecalls with whoever to twisties to football matches on tv to post-its to Nokia 6210 phones to toiletbowls.. and i could go on and on forever.
i know that i shouldn't be bothered by non-schoolwork stuff at this point in time, but as i said, the nostalgia strikes me when my guard is down. like now.
and i blink and blink and blink to try to rid myself of the emotion.
everything's making me exhausted from inside out. the studying's making me physically and mentally drained every night when i tumble into bed. and the thinking's sapping me of the emotional stability that i so badly need now. it's not like i go all out to make myself miserable by reminding myself. it's just that the littlest randomest things in my day-to-day life triggers unwarrented memories that i thought i'd buried deep within me.
and those memories are buried deep inside, covered by layers and layers of happier memories and walls to safeguard them. walls to keep those memories from coming back up to the surface to haunt me. and walls to keep myself from reaching down to access them. delving into past memories always leaves me with a bittersweet feeling, and the bitterness usually overwhelms the sweetness, the bitterness that doesn't leave me alone for days on end.
these days, i wish i were blind. okay, no. i don't really wish i were blind.
but i wish i could extract my memories in silvery strands like in Harry Potter, remove them from my head and store them somewhere else. so that whatever random thing i see doesn't trigger an overwhelming wave of hopelessness and the tears that always threaten to follow. or maybe i wouldn't store those particular memories. i'd just take them out and put the strands in a jar like what Dumbledore did, and then smash the jar and hopefully the memories too. that way, i'd never remember anything about that, and seeing and walking by won't hurt so bad.
like Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. after her breakup with the guy, she wanted to erase all memories she had with him. when i saw the show, i was thinking like yesyesyes i wanna do that too.
ignorance of what happened in the past is bliss.


i guess it's time i run far, far away
find comfort in pain
all pleasure's the same
it just keeps me from trouble
hide my true shape
like Dorian Gray
i've heard what they say
but i'm not here for trouble
it's more than just words:
it's just tears and rain.


i fell in love with the song when i first heard it. all my reasoning tells me that what i feel is totally illogical and beyond explanation, and i won't even try to explain in words.
using the imagery of tears and rain to describe what i really feel is a brilliant idea. the tears are always just there, and the landscape's insufferably wet and drab. beautiful.

after all that heavy-duty musing, it's time to hit the books again.
prelims aren't going to wait for me, whether i feel too upset or too tired to study or not.
so i guess it's time i run far, far away, find comfort in my pain, all pleasure's the same - it just keeps me from trouble, hides my true state, like Dorian Gray, i've heard what they say, but i'm not here for trouble.
it's more than just words. it's just tears and rain.

10:15 PM;