there're precisely 47 days to go to the PRELIMS.
that's damn scary.
it's almost like the timer of a time-bomb, just ticking away. and when the counter hits zero days, the bomb'll go off and that'll be the end of me.
i've drawn up a study timetable already actually, but i haven't been adhering to it for the last 2 days.
tv has taken over my life!
but today, i will be good and study AND watch tv.

moving on. we had our class photo shoot today!
the photographer said that we took 55 shots in total. we took our shots all over school. on the steeple thing, on the field, on the NL staircase, in the classroom. yeppers.
i've been really subsisting on a shoe-string budget for the past 3 days since school started.
oh, and i can't believe that it's only been 3 days since school started again! it feels like i've never left.
i'm not quite sure that i like that feeling, though.
part of the fun of coming back from the holidays is a sense that you're embarking on a brand new term.
with brand new resolutions to be broken and such.
ohwell.
it's like, the last few weeks of school ever, then it's the As then my 6 month break.
but back to my shoe-string budget.
mom cut my allowance 'cause i was yakking on the phone a few nights during the hols and didn't put it down to bathe before 12 and she got annoyed. hence the temporary allowance cut.
so i've been rushing home for lunch whenever my timetable permits me just so i can save money.
no, actually, it's not to save money. i don't even have money to save! it's so i won't go hungry till dinner time.
bloody hell. i need this week to be over quick, so i'll get next week's full allowance.
okay okay, i gotta show my mother that i'm studying or she'll make me switch the tv off tonight when i watch my 7 o' clock chinese show as well as Manhunt and Charmed.

5:20 PM;

i'm starting to get lazy to update already (as can be seen from my month long hiatus, but that can be explained away by my spoilt computer.)
but at any rate, i'm back, albeit in a more introspective mood these days.
Cheryl and i had a few nice long bathroom chats during the retreat and we both came to the conclusion that i had a commitment problem.
which left me feeling a little lost after coming to that conclusion, 'cause i mean, i always thought that it wasn't typical of me to shirk my responsibilities. and i started to think, so does that mean that the me in secondary school wasn't really me? the councillor me, was that all a facade, all just a show to the world? and yet i thought it couldn't be, 'cause it all came so naturally. all the accepting of commitments and stepping up to responsibilities, it wasn't something i had to think about before doing. but now, i seem to want to do nothing but stay home and rot. and i can't figure out why, and that's what's been eating at me. whatever it is, i do know that i have to sort out the mess in my head before i can get down to studying for my prelims. either do that, or sweep away whatever's in my head just for now so i can concentrate on starting to study. focus, girl. but i do know that i've made a commitment to my church stuff for now and i intend to keep them. i desperately don't wanna make anymore mistakes. i've wasted the past year and a half of my life in one big mistake after the other, and i can't afford anymore of that.
so with that acknowledgement, i'm gonna start all over to make sure i don't repeat those same pitfalls. i know it's much much easier said then done, but i gotta start by doing something right?
yep. that was a rhetorical question, but anyway.
i spent the better half of the afternoon waiting for 3 songs to download and trying to play The Sims 2, which happily enough, did not work properly. if the game did work, i wouldn't be typing any of this in right now, nor would i be about to continue with my lit essay.
i swear, the game's damn addictive. i think it must be the hidden me inside that really relishes playing God.
my lit essay is one sheet of rubbish. i've been writing the same words over and over and even to my eyes, the essay seems horrid.
the poet wishes to portray the past as... etcetc
in 'A Visit to a Relative's House in Malaysia', the poet seems to want to present the past as...
the past is portrayed as... blah blah
tell me, with vocab like that, how am i going to pass my lit exam?
sigh.
i haven't really really studied this holidays and i'm feeling guilty now for all the excessive skiving and lolling around.
and the rest of my week's gonna be full too.
okay, no point in wishing that i'd studied more. what i can do now, though, is to finish off my stupid past essay. then maybe start on the warlit one.

3:38 PM;

i loveeeeee my holidays.
i really really do.
unfortch, this is the BLOODY LAST WEEK OF MY HOLIDAYS and i haven't done a single scrap of work.
i know, it will not help me one bit by going to bed each night at 3am while thinking shit shit shit i'm so dead. what have i done today? NOTHING. playstation2 is pure evil.
i tried studying some geog yesterday while staying up to watch the f1 race at Indy but i couldn't!
so i turned to my ps2 and played non-stop.
shit shit shit i am so bloody dead.

i miss the zj retreat truckloads. i want to go back to the retreat house and spend my days enjoying myself and having enough quiet time to reflect, which was what i did during my 3 day long retreat over the weekend.
i miss my computer 'cause all my files are on the other one even though i have a ton of free space on this one too. 9.5GB of space is quiteee a lot for me, but what am i to do with all that space and nothing to fill in?
i do not miss school, which is where i will be heading to tomorrow for a geog lecture. :(

9:26 PM;