rippled silk

2008-10-22T14:28:00.003+08:00

a wave of panic is washing over me, threatening to engulf me and sweep me away in its gushing wake. i am having trouble breathing, my chest is constricting - and this is a too-real sign that i am, at the end of the day in spite of all my bravado: petrified.

i am too ill-equipped and unprepared, stupid and dull. oh, how the mighty have fallen - those who think the world of themselves ultimately find themselves at rock bottom, splat on the floor, shapeless.

2007-02-20T17:29:00.000+08:00

am changing blog addresses, folks! this blog has too many unpleasant memories. too much in its archives that i'd rather not look at again for now. if you wanna know my new blog address, ask and i will tell you.

perhaps some day i'll come back here to blog, perhaps never. who knows. life never stays the same, anyway.

my last entry here for the time being:

the flaxen-haired doll
sitting on her pretty chair
staring out of the window
waiting to be picked up
waiting to be loved.

the flaxen-haired doll
sitting in the palm of the hand
staring up at the face
thinking she'd been picked up
thinking she'd been loved.

the flaxen-haired doll
chucked back into the dollhouse
staring at the shadow walking away
knowing she'd been left behind
knowing she'd not been loved.

the flaxen-haired doll
sitting on her broken chair
wanting to cry but with no tears
waiting for shadows to return
waiting for shadows to love.

Kelly Marie Ang

2007-02-20T04:34:00.000+08:00

i had an overwhelming desire to just delete this blog and move to a new address.

leave the traces of my old life in the back of my life and not be reminded of the semblences of what used to be.

but then i didn't, for several reasons. the most crucial reason was simply that i was far too lazy to move. to edit the html for a new blog, get another address for the new blog - so much hassle. i might do that sometime later this week though, when all the visiting's over and i get to sit down and enjoy my term break.

and then, what about my friends who read my blog? those who care for me and use the blog as a way to see what's going on in my life? my blog didn't start out like that, but it seems like it's become that in recent times. new media and its impacts on our lives man. i shall talk about it in my new media term paper.

so anyway. as i said. no more 'ohhh i'm so sad, i feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces' nonsense from me anymore. the sadness or hurt or whatever will remain wordless and at the back of my mind and heart.

i've been sleeping a lot lately. i think it's a form of escape, kinda, since i don't wanna think about things anymore, don't wanna talk about things anymore, don't wanna entertain any notion of anything anymore. and so, i just sleep it all away. which is good also, since i think i'm in the process of paying off a major sleep debt anyway. i dunno if all this is ultimately running away from whatever's on hand, and i don't wanna think too much about what i'm doing. overthinking things has its way of wrecking havoc on your emotions and messing with your head. clam it all up, i say. don't bother other people anymore. don't bother you anymore with things you can do nothing about. don't bother myself even, by thinking. just exist.

sighhhhhhh frustrating, how i still have a galaxy full of things to talk about and yet i don't want to bring myself to say anything anymore. i think sometimes girls tend to overtalk. for what? you bare your soul and your heart and in the end, you just get slapped right across your face. no wonder people clam up in the later years of their lives. when you've been hurt once or twice before, you tend to learn your lesson and remember not to expose your vulnerabilities again. i don't wanna become like some bitter, grouchy old auntie next time who can't express herself except by snapping at her little nieces or nephews, wishing she'd fallen in love and stayed in love when she was still an idealistic girl and becoming all the more bitter at that. no wonder old people sometimes don't fear death cos they've already lived such a long life that all they want to do is rest and take a break from everything. do i fear death? perhaps i do, i'm scared of how dying will feel like. but i really do look forward to the respite it'll grant me from everything going on now, the nothingness and the disappearance of the scars that threaten to not leave me and remain there, ugly and jarring.

i still believe, i still do. only that whatever it is, i stick to whatever's been said previously: shut the hell up Kelly. not just tonight, but every single night from now on.

i foresee this blog will start to see a lot more activity soon cos since i am going to attempt to not bring things up to you or anyone ever again, i might have to turn to here and talk about random, possibly puzzling things that'll make sense to no one but me - but i think it'd be better that way. of course, if people ask me about things, i'll tell them (in no more than 150 words), summarized and quick, then just drop it all again. I TALK TOO MUCH FOR MY OWN BLOODY GOOD AND I WILL NOT ANYMORE. yeah.

2007-02-19T19:51:00.000+08:00

Kelly's Chinese New Year resolutions for 2007:

i will stop talking about EVERYTHING and carry on as though nothing ever ever ever happened.

i will shut up and stop whining and musing. no more long rambly posts about love and sadness and all that nonsense. i am past that.

i will just smile and smile and smile, even though my cheeks may ache like crap after that. i will not cry anymore, will not expose my vulnerabilities again, will not say what's really on my mind or in my heart again. no bloody point talking about things that won't change.

i will love me, even if no one else will.

not only will i stop talking about everything, i will stop thinking about everything and stop feeling anything about anyone. i will put a stop to everything even if it kills me to. and if i can't stop it, i will just hide everything away until everything's over. no more, i say. it's been going on for too long, far too long. the way i see it, nothing's EVER gonna come out of this all, so i will just kiss everything goodbye and shove it all away.

i will put my life in order so that i can be here for my family.

i will put my cap in order so that i will graduate with a second upper honours, at least.

i will not be sidetracked by anything i might think, feel, or whatever human weaknesses. i will just throw myself into what i want to fulfill.

i will not succumb to my emotions ever again. i will not let what i feel get the better of me. i will wrest control over whatever i feel and if i can't, i will just chuck it all aside.

i will deepen my relationship with my Lord and actively seek to just follow his will for me in my life. i will not lose faith in his promise to me that he wants me to be happy and that whatever happens now may seem like absolute shit to me but is in actual fact, a very necessary process for him to give me what he intended for me initially. i can't see what he has in store for me, but i have absolutely no doubt that everything he has planned for me will make me happier than i ever imagined myself to be.

i will never again allow myself to throw myself onto anyone, physically or emotionally. i will stand on my own two feet and rely on no one else but God. everyone has their own shit to handle. i will handle my own. i will keep my mouth shut and fingers from dialling numbers of people i feel i need to talk to because i am tired, so tired.

i will treat myself a lot better this year. i will take care of my body, take care of my emotions, and not let them run amok and hurt myself. i will eat when i feel like eating and drink a lot more water. my complexion is getting bad.

i will try, i really will. but if i can't, i will live with it all.

i am tired of everything, i really am. and all i want to do is stay home and hide in my room for a million, trillion years.

but no. i will not hide from the world.

a trip to the seaside is in order soon. i need to listen to the sound of the waves on the shore to soothe my frazzled nerves and feel the cool breeze on my face to feel alive. i should ask someone, anyone along for company, in case i do anything stupid if i become lost in my depression or the sudden mood-swings that hit me every now and then. but i doubt it lah, i'm too smart to do anything stupid heh. i'm too tired to ask anyone. i will just go myself and walk on the sand and be by myself. just me, the sea and God.

run, far far away. feel the wind on my face, my hair flying out behind me, nothing between me and everything else. run, just keep running. and when my heart can't take it no more, when it needs to stop to breathe, i will just throw myself high up into the sky and close my eyes, say a prayer, and tumble back down onto the green field and never wake up again. feel my legs moving quickly, pounding on the ground, feel my heart beating inside my chest, feel alive, and then, love the life i am living.

2007-02-17T23:18:00.000+08:00

longlong day today! just came back from my grandparents' place for reunion dinner. was still feeling full from the steamboat i'd had for lunch earlier on, so couldn't stomach very much of the very delicious food on the table.

i know New Year's supposed to be really that - a new year. new year on the 1st of Jan. Chinese New Year. all supposed to be new beginnings and fresh starts. throw away the old life, start anew. because it's a new year. but then again, look at it this way. whenever you go to bed at night and close your eyes and lose consciousness for that few hours, it's the end of a day, innit? then when you open your eyes again the next morning and roll out of bed, it's a new day, innit? supposed to be a brand new start. then when you think even more, you can stretch this to practically every second of your life. when one second of your life's over, it's over. the next second IS a brand new start. you get to live that new second in a new way, the only thing that stopping you from doing that is your own self.

you cling on to how you've lived in the past hour or past minutes or whatever, you cling on to the emotions that surge through you those past minutes, cling on to the thoughts that formulate themselves in your brain in the time that's past.

i think that's what makes us human, actually. when you can't live every second of your life as though they're all disjointed and unconnected to each other. imagine if you were able to just discard EVERYTHING that happens to you a mere second ago and live the next as though everything that happened before that never happened. it'll make us nothing more than robots or machines. cold, unfeeling, and completely desensitised and efficient.

i'd be completely lying if i said that you don't get hurt when you love someone. whoever claims that as truth ought to have his brains examined. people are naturally guarded creatures. they put up walls and barriers around themselves for protection. sometimes the worst kind of hurt you can inflict on someone ain't the physical kind. sometimes it's the emotional hurt that really gets to you. and i suppose people are born with the instinct to protect themselves that way, sometimes crafting different personas to put up in front of different scenarios to hide the real 'me' away. when you interact with a persona in place, it's a lot like putting up a performance. acting, if you want to look at it that way. the real 'me' is tucked away somewhere, safe and inaccessible to the rest of the world for scrutiny or criticism.

but when you start to love someone, you don't want the person to see the constructed persona. you want the person to see you for who you really are, not the bimbo with the megawatt smile or the dumb cute chick with nothing between her eyes and ears. and so, you gradually start to take down the barriers, take down the walls that had so often protected the real you from the harsh realities of the world. in short, you start to let the other person into your life. into the world where your real thoughts and feelings are expressed, into the world where the real you resides and all your vulnerabilities are scarily open to be picked on.

then what happens when that person walks out of your life? you get so unimaginably hurt and the walls come right back up again. that's why, love hurts. always. it's not a maybe kind of thing when you're talking about this. when you love, you're BOUND to get hurt, no question about it. then, why do people still keep letting themselves fall in and out of love, only to get hurt over and over again? because. i think people keep doing that cos just as humans instinctively put up walls and barriers to protect themselves, people also instinctively look for opportunities to tear down those awful walls and barriers, opportunities where they can just be themselves and not have to put on fronts to anyone.

give love a fighting chance,
to all those people who're weary and terrified of getting hurt again.
what about all those people who've loved and lost and loved again? it's not just a one way thing, where you love and lose and that's it, period. you love, you lose, then you love again, and perhaps you lose again, or perhaps not, perhaps this time it's for keeps.
but if you don't even want to entertain the notion, then there won't be a possibility that it could be for keeps this time or anytime, for that matter. don't deprive yourself of love just because you're tired of getting hurt. it's not fair, it's really not.

there's this line from a Pocahontas song i've held very dear to my heart in recent days.

if i never knew you, i'd be safe but half as real.

i only realised why tonight though, after sitting for an hour in front of my laptop putting my thoughts into words. it's exactly like what i said. if you never let yourself love anyone, you'd be completely safe in that carefully constructed world where you reside. perhaps it's not as extreme as how i'd painted it out to be, where you're completely fake. but there's always some element of guardedness and some degree to which you employ different personas for different situations. but you see, if i never knew you, i'd never haved loved, and i'd be safe in my world. but the crux of this line lies in that, if i never met and fell in love with you, i'd be safe from the possibility of being hurt - but i'd be half as real. because the walls would never have come down completely otherwise, the vulnerabilities would've always stayed hidden behind cardboard walls painted beautifully and glossed over to seem completely stable. half as real, because i'm learning so much about myself even as everything's going on. half as real because the masks would not have been dropped so completely, otherwise. it's not that you complete me, no you don't. it's the opportunity you've given me to drop my act that makes me more real, more vulnerable, more human, ultimately. and when i feel so small, so helpless, so unable to control things in my life, that's when my pride evaporates away and i realise i'm not God's greatest gift to men after all, that humbles me, makes me realise how tiny i am and how vain i can be about things. that actually, i am nothing, and it's only when i seek God and his will for me in my short, short life, then only will all the other things be added onto it.

2007-02-17T10:48:00.000+08:00

hello world, the world seems brighter and has stopped spinning. thankfully.
after reading what i blogged about last night, i nearly died so i just censored everything out. didn't wanna delete it cos i wanna remember how i can rant on and on and on next time when i'm married and staid. so i just left everything there but it looks blank on screen.

those of you who've tinkered about with blogs enough should know what i've done, and will be able to read whatever i blocked out. doesn't matter. i just don't want to read what i ranted about again, yet.

reunion lunch in a bit with the family! gonna go to the function hall thingy for steamboat. after sleeping 6plus hours last night, the headache has subsided somewhat and i don't feel like screaming at the top of my lungs anymore. alcohol, my dear friends, is a depressant. it makes you high for a while then you come crashing back down to earth when your head spins and you want to throw up.

many many things i wanna accomplish this term break. let's see how many things off my list i actually manage to strike off come next Sunday.

2007-02-17T02:59:00.000+08:00

tonight is and was a weird yet lovely night.

went to the Eusoff dance production in the earlier part of the night before joining the zj people at Walas.

i've come to the conclusion that my alchohol tolerance is bloody low. i need to train myself up or i will get taken advantage of by some idiot of a guy sooner or later.

guys are all basically idiots. they don't know anything, they don't know what they want, and even if they did they're too afraid to say what they really feel. too afraid to reject you, too afraid to say if they really like you, too afraid to do anything. it's simple, really. if you like me now, you like me now. if you don't like me now, then that's all there is to it too. straightforward. i dunno why things become complicated when guys try to rationalise things. just say what you feel or not, dammit.

and i don't mean to hurt anyone, i don't mean to be on anyone's mind, i don't mean to make anyone feel like crap. sometimes i forget that i'm only human and a mere 20 year old girl, and i think i shouldn't be frustrated, shouldn't be upset about anything, that i should be in complete control over everything. screw it. i'm not. every once in a while, i remember my humanity, i remember how it's like to want to just scream and cry and not have to seem like everything's alright in my life. i've forgotten what it's like to succumb to my human nature cos i've been trying so damn hard (and succeeding, i daresay), to surrender all to God. even when i want to do something so badly, even when i want something so badly, still i try. and it's the trying that makes me forget that i'm still human after all. that i still want to be loved after all that's said and done, that my pride still kicks in when i realise that you don't think i'm good enough, that i still can cry even though i haven't done that in a million years.

i embrace my weak human nature. it's totally a part of me and there's nothing to be ashamed about, in God's eyes. yet when you don't remember God at all, there's everything to be ashamed about. waiting for someone to feel the same way as you do about you after dunno how many years, it's just plain stupid, isn't it? causing someone else so much hurt and pain just cos of who you are, it's something to be ashamed about isn't it? if i weren't Kelly, things would be so much more different. i wouldn't be hurting those i cared about. i wouldn't be feeling things i ought to give up. damn it. ranting on and on is just making me more pissed. at myself, at everything.

if i were drunk enough, i'd just kiss you straight and worry later about the reaction. if i were drunk enough, i'd throw myself all over you cos i dunno, my dignity and pride seems to have evaporated with my soberness. but i'm not, so thank God. i'm feeling more shitty now than i've felt in a long time, and i think it's thanks to the alcohol. i start to think about things more than i should. what if the right time for a relationship was tomorrow? would you still tell me that it's not the right time because the bottomline is, you could never see me in that light? to you, i'll always be the little girl with half a brain? - is that it? end it all here, just tell me everything. i won't commit suicide if you tell me that hey, you know i don't think i feel the same way about you as you do for me now.

anything could happen in the future. saying stuff now doesn't discount anything. but i don't care about what could and will happen next time because i'm not living in the next time, i'm living in the now. do you like me now? i don't care if you do next time, leave the next time for the next time. why live in the future when God has given us the now to live in? i don't think God meant for us to live in the anticipation of something happening 5 years from now. God meant us to live in the now of things, right now on Friday, 3am, when i'm sitting in front of my computer screen with half-glazed eyes typing furiously away.

i'm probably not making much sense right now because i am feeling severely woozy and light-headed. well and fine. i still know what i want. i think the drinks tonight made me realise that i'm still human after all, that i'm not God's superheroine all the time even though i'd like to think i am and nothing can make me cry ever again. i resolved to just let things slide and take things as they come. i will, as long as i don't end up hurting anyone in the process. cold wars suck. talk it all out, i say. why else did God give us mouths and tongues for?

don't be afraid to say what you really think or feel, you. if you don't like me or you just see me as some annoying little girl who's stuck in her own little fantasy world, just say it. i won't commit suicide. i don't like being left in limbo, though i suspect nothing said will really help. being the stubborn fool i am. but at least if you say something, i can start to let go. sister is a start.

bahhhhhh i am gonna sleep now. i hope i don't regret anything i've typed here tonight or said to anyone tonight when i wake up perfectly sober and sane tomorrow morning. i can't claim to disclaim anything i've said or done, but i admit i am probably a little high or low now, depending on how you see it.

2007-02-16T14:57:00.000+08:00

i hate it and love it at the same time how some songs make me tear and feel again.

the dawn is breaking
a light shining through
you're barely waking
and i'm tangled up in you
i'm open, you're closed
where i follow, you'll go
i worry i won't see your face
light up again
even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
i somehow find
you and i collide.
i'm quiet, you know
you make a first impression
i've found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind
even the best fall down sometimes
even the stars refuse to shine
out of the back you fall in time
i somehow find
you and i collide
don't stop here
i've lost my place
i'm close behind
even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills your mind
you finally find;

you and i collide.
collide//howie day.

2007-02-15T03:46:00.000+08:00

omggggg i have a shitload of schoolwork to do and no time to do anything.

spent the better part of the night trying to draw out bukit timah hill on paper. twice, since the first time i got the scale wrong.
and geog is pissing me off big time again.

I. DON'T. GET. IT.
why's my scale wrong?? whyyyyyy?? i can't do this anymore. i'm so tired and all i wanna do is crash and sleep for ages and ages.
stupid thing is due tomorrow and the rest of my group just CANNOT be bothered because they think i can save all their sorry asses. i can't! i dunno what's wrong this time!
and new media project meeting tomorrow afternoon. i haven't done my research yet but i'm too too too tired to do it now.

i hate school i hate school. i have such a lot of work to do that i have no time to breathe. i never thought i'd hate geog but i'm starting to hate it to the core. it's given me nothing but trouble since the first assignment.

BAH. am annoyed. at several things, for several reasons. i don't care anymore. i'm gonna sleep and wake up tomorrow and panic like crazy.

2007-02-13T22:21:00.000+08:00

i was thinking about it today. what would i still wanna do if i died tonight and never woke up tomorrow?

definitely not any of my readings. hahaha and DEFINITELY not my ham articles which i am furiously writing now. i am having a supremely bad case of writer's block now, by the way. what can one write about flag anyway?? sigh. i am having trouble.

anyway moving on.

you know, there're really many things i still haven't done yet. things i'd wanna do at least once in my life.

i'd wanna travel to Europe. see the European castles and set my eyes on the places my Authurian tales speak so beautifully of.
i'd wanna hold my child in my arms and kiss her forehead.
i'd wanna go to the seashore with you and just listen to the sound of the waves lapping up onto the shore.
i'd wanna write a book in beautiful prose.
i'd wanna wake up with you next to me.
i'd wanna kiss you, just once.
i'd wanna hold your hand and not have to let go.
i'd wanna lie on your shoulder and close my eyes and feel so close.
i'd wanna go to Japan and Korea. and China, where my ancestors came from.
i'd wanna be a model.
i'd wanna tell everyone i love that i love them and show them that i do.
i'd wanna spend carefree happy days with my friends.
i'd wanna play sims2 with all the expansion packs.
i'd wanna be with you, if only for a day.

2007-02-10T02:45:00.000+08:00

today was a relatively good day, in several respects!
had a productive day studying in the library.
had a good time of sharing all throughout the day.

and God really comes and speaks to me in such non-obvious ways. then when i realise it i'll be like, whoa. amazing. like how Dan was reminding me in the library that we love God when we realise that God loved us first, and that God doesn't love us because we love him. then during mass, one of the songs had the exact same line. coincidence? nah, don't think so.

as i was sharing with several groups of people today, it struck me how different God's ways are from the ways of the world. how difficult it is to do what God wants me to do as compared to what the world preaches about what we should do with our lives. that seeking God's will is usually not congruent with what the world says we should seek.

i mean, i was just sharing very briefly about what's currently going on in my life now, the rough situation minus the details. and not just today, i think i've been sharing with some of my closer friends throughout the week as well. the very fundamental thing everyone tells me to do is to move on and forget all about everything. after all they say, he doesn't know what he wants and there're so many other fishes in the sea. why bother with one halibut when there're schools of parrotfish elsewhere? move on, forget everything, move on, forget everything. everyone says the same thing. you deserve better. you don't deserve to be treated like that. you shouldn't waste your life and energy and feelings on just this one thing. move on. in the perception of the world, you shouldn't love someone who doesn't love you too. you should instead, move on to someone else where the lovey feeling is mutual.

but after everything that's happened, after all the thought processes i've been through, after all the conversations i'd had with God and with everyone involved, i can't say i can fully agree with what my friends have been telling me with all concern for my well-being. i might have thought in the past that loving someone who doesn't feel the same way for you is rather stupid. that you should transfer that feeling of affection and care and concern and just basically love to someone else who you think you have a higher chance of having that feeling reciprocated. but real love isn't about transferring feelings from one person to another just cos you think you have a better success rate where a relationship is concerned. love isn't about giving up all you feel for someone just cos the someone doesn't feel the same way or doesn't do things to show you that all the time. i'm becoming more and more convinced that to love someone essentially means that you want the best for the person, even if it comes at the expense of your own well-being. it means you're generous with your time and everything else, it means that you're patient and are willing to wait when told that now's not the time for a relationship. and no, i don't think it's stupid to wait because what i'm essentially doing is just waiting for God to show me what he wants me to do. not wait for the relationship i want to come, but wait for God to slowly unveil his plan for me. love is about putting the other person before you in every single way, love isn't about expecting the other person to constantly call you or message you or reassure you of his love for you, love isn't about expectations, period. on the contrary, love is accepting the other person for everything he is, faults and all, and not seeking to change him to the ideal boyfriend you always had in your mind.

all these i've just said, they run totally contrary to what popular culture paints love as. and a lot of my friends really think i'm crazy or have lost my mind. they think i'm being a stubborn prick and deluded fool who's clinging on to some shreds of a ghost of a relationship she sees in the horizon. and it's hard to stick on to my conviction that God will make something good out of this slightly messy situation when everyone around you is telling you that you're an idiot. the derision you receive, the what the hell responses you get, the rolling of eyes you see - it's all not easy.
Kelly, they say, give it up. move on, some other guy will catch your eye.
Kelly, they say, don't be an idiot anymore. why continue feeling for him when he doesn't feel the same way?
Kelly, they say, just cut all contact and live out your life in hall. after all, seeing each other everyday won't help things. change church if you must, even. just end it all.

Kelly, God says, remember what love is and how i love you. why run away when i've promised you all will be well in the end? if you think you feel idiotic for loving someone who doesn't feel the same way, how do you think i feel? i love you all so much, and yet for every one of you who loves me back, there are a thousand others who don't.
Kelly, God says, isn't it good that this whole process is purifying the love you have and teaching you what love really is? it's painful, yes. i never said following me would be easy. but at the end of the process, you'll have grown so much that the Kelly you knew before everything began would have been barely recognisable to the Kelly that emerges after everything's over.

i'd be lying if i said i totally didn't want a relationship right now. i'm human, i have my wants and desires. i want companionship, i want to feel loved. i want so many things. but when God's telling me that now is so not the time for a relationship, what i want becomes secondary. it's not that that desire is gone, it's just been superceded by what God wants of me. which, again, is contradictory to what the world says we ought to do with our lives. fulfill your own desires is what we're told to do. consumerism is all about satisfying material wants with consumerables. the hollywood notion of a 'true love' is all about satisfying your desire for a relationship that could be anything but love filled but lust filled instead and taking proactive steps to fulfill this want.

but what God wants me to do isn't to take proactive steps in my life to satisfy my different needs and wants. he wants me to be proactive, but not in the way described above. he wants me to be proactive in seeking his will, and then be totally receptive to what he reveals to me. this requires a lot of patience, a lot of faith, a lot of blind trust in God. it's hard to say yes to something you know nuts about. how can you say okay to someone who hasn't even told you the specifics of his favour yet?

i don't know what God wants of me, i really don't. and i really don't care if the world thinks i'm a total loser for not trying to end my misery by giving up and moving on in life. but it's both wonderful and frustrating at the same time to realise that God's way is really very very different from the way of the world. the discrepency is enormous, and no, i am not exaggerating. i don't care if people think i'm crazy for insisting on loving when i know i'm at the losing end of things. after all, just forget it all and 'love' someone else who 'loves' you too. self-gain.

i'm using the word 'love' unabashedly all throughout this post because i realise the extent of what loving someone means and what loving someone entails, and i think what i've been doing or trying so hard to do comes closer to love than to like. i like you because you're cute and you make my heart go on a rampage when i'm near you. i love you because you're so imperfect as a human being and it's the imperfection that makes me love you. i love you because of the goodness i see in you and the vulnerabilities that don't escape my eye, i love you because of the flaws i see in you and because i see God in you as well. paradoxical, but they're all tied to the same thing. that i love not because you're nice to me but because you're the hardest person to love. when i have to swallow my pride and arrogance and show my weaknesses just to explain and show you what i feel or think - that's when i love. i love you because you don't like me and that makes it all the harder for me to love, and when i realise i still do, it makes me love you all the more because i realise what love is.

so profound, so complicated, i honestly think i haven't done the concept of love any justice at all though after rambling for so long. all i know is that love doesn't depend on the reciprocation, like does. and that makes the world of a difference to me. call me deluded, whatever. but when one learns to love without the expectation of reciprocation, one learns to love as God loves us all.

2007-02-09T14:34:00.000+08:00

political science is turning out to be slightly more interesting than i'd envisioned it to be.

like, i knew that Napolean was defeated in the Battle of Waterloo, kinda. but i had like no idea that he was sent to some puny remote island as punishment after he got defeated. i'd always thought he was executed or something like that. but banished to some remote, inaccessible island in the middle of some weird ocean?

oh, too funny. history does have its way of tickling me sometimes.

okay i think this is proof that i've been doing my readings. am in the library now doing pol science readings. gonna webcast geog in a while if i can. yay! rather productive today. and my sleeping patterns are becoming a lot more normal now! 7-hour nights are rather normal, right?

i still find Napolean being stuck on some ulu island a rather ticklish thought.

2007-02-07T21:40:00.000+08:00

am reading japanese studies readings now. i'm so tempted to call japanese studies "jap studies", but Clem said the lecturer said it's affronting to the Japanese to be shortened to "jap". so. since i'm a student of their studies, i shall conform.

soci tutorial today was rather.. useless. i dunno, i always feel like i walk out of soci tutorials not really having learnt very much. i think maybe it's also the subject matter. soci's so.. questionable. so many different ways to view things, so many questions. like say for example, religion is always seen as a constituent of culture, and hence ethnicity. but how does religion remain a part of ethnicity when people from different countries are taking up different religions like nobody's business?

Christianity has always been seen as a religion that originated in the West. hence, a part of Western culture. (though the Bible would beg to differ, since Christianity seems to have originated in the Middle East. but whatever, i'm not here to argue about theology) but how does the several million Asians who have turned to Christianity belong to the same ethnicity as the Westerners? by virtue of the fact that Asians originated from Asia, duh, and that we Asians have some varying facial features from the Westerners in the form of less deep-set eyes, flatter noses, higher cheekbones - we're ethnically different. the sociologists can argue all they want about how races don't differ so much among each other than within, but there remains the fact that people of different 'races' look different. which is good, cos i mean, variety is always good. but ethnicity is supposedly tied in to race in the form of the culture of each race. but if i'm Catholic, that doesn't necessarily make me ethnically Western or Middle Eastern, right? i'm Chinese, i look Chinese with my pale skin with yellow undertones and not so deep-set eyes and double eyelids that are joined to my eye corners, which make my eyes more almond shaped than if they weren't. i celebrate chinese new year and go visiting and expect i'll pour tea for my parents when i get married too. but i'm not Buddhist or Taoist or whatever, don't believe in the things that people normally expect the Chinese to believe in.

so what does that make me?

or rather, is religion a part of ethnicity or should the two be separate?

argh i dont't like soci. it makes me think too much about rather unimportant things. and i think this whole post was rather incoherent and i feel stupid after reading it. but whatever, who cares.

met Stef for lunch/dinner after tutorial and we sat at the Grinning Gecko at the Central Library and talked for a rather long time after we'd finished our food. the food was unsatisfiying, by the way. no wonder i never ate there before. then came back to hall and went to Chels's room to collect the chocolates i'd left with her. and i plopped myself down in her chair and we talked for an awfully long time! sigh bad. i should be studying more.

and i need to complain about inconsideration in hall. i hate it when someone wakes me up when i'm sleeping. i hate it even more if someone wakes me up rudely and loudly and abruptly. banging on one's door in the morning, even if it's 9am, constitutes as all of the above, in my opinion - rude, loud and abrupt. trying to open one's door when one doesn't respond takes it beyond rude or loud or abrupt. it's just inconcievable and i have no word to describe my outrage. i tell you, lucky i latched my door. i wasn't wearing a bra, i wasn't wearing shorts - if i hadn't latched my door before i slept i would have screamed and died on the spot when the door opened. ugh. it turned out to be the hall maintenance guy who wanted to ask me which light was spoilt.

supper downstairs in half an hour! so much for my 'no more supper' stance. going to eat the fish fillet pita bread and wasabi wedges i think. the supper menu in kr is improving. :) hungry.

2007-02-07T02:14:00.000+08:00

crappppp i nearly screamed and died when i was showering just now.

i have a GINORMOUS tummy and i'm so disgusted with myself cos this is the result of all my eating and AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH howww?!

i think i know how i'll look when i'm pregnant cos i really look damn scarily fat, with my round tummy and all. :( :( :(
how can one naan and one milo translate into such a big tummy? how??

that's it, no more suppers.

2007-02-06T15:07:00.000+08:00

omg i feel like some professional spammer. not only do i spam email inboxes, now i also spam sms inboxes. i feel so automated, suddenly. like in today's pol science lecture when she mentioned something abt how bureaucracy has no face these days. it's just an automated voice machine that picks up your phone call and makes you wait on-line and listen to stupid music.

and my ex-geog-group is pissing me off big time again.
i don't mean to sound like some condescending whatever, but i'm majorly annoyed. why can't you put everything you want to say in one message?? and do you not get hints that i don't want to continue talking anymore? is my body language not strong enough? is my text-language not strong enough? ARGH. you don't demand things from me. you don't demand things from me especially when you don't know what you're doing. and do you not understand when i say i don't want to study with any of you? I DON'T WANT TO study with you all. which part of don't want to do you not get? omg help me.

ha oops i accidentally deleted the guy's message just as it came in. too bad.

he's spamming me, just as i am spamming the facils. but at least i have cause to. what cause does he have to keep spamming me, day in day out?? and it's not just him, some other NS guy also keeps messaging me to go out with him for coffee or whatever cos he's on leave this week etcetcetc. like hello, you're on leave, good for you. go out with your other friends. i have no interest in going out with you at all. i said it once before, but noooooo he had to ask again. i'm learning how to say no to so many people in so many ways. but i don't understand why these people keep messaging me or whatever when i make it so so clear (at least i think it's clear) that i don't want to reply and i'm only doing so very very reluctantly. i'd think replying one or two or three days late in a one-word answer is a clear enough sign, no? i think i'm fated to stay single for the rest of my life and not get married cos some guys have the innate ability to piss me off all the time. a relationship wouldn't work out if i got annoyed 99% of the time. maybe it's only the younger guys who're just out of NS who're like that. leave me alone, won't all of you? i'm not even that hot. haha.

i'm just an innocent girl trying to get by in her life.

new media tutorial soon. i don't wanna go for it. i don't like going for tutorials alone. i really really hate it. i always go thinking i'll just clam up and blend into the wall and heck the participation points. but when i hear people talk and i realise i have something to say too, i usually end up talking too and all intention of remaining a mere part of the classroom furniture goes up in smoke. it's so much easier to keep quiet and watch the world going by you. but i don't think i'm made to be like that, sadly. i always end up saying things and making things harder for myself and whoever else.

oh crap i realise i sound supremely bitchy and arrogant. but i'm not, i'm just so annoyed. argh. i know, i know. i shouldn't let little things like that annoy me.

'huh why no reply?' is what the guy messages me. the one i accidentally deleted. like, 15 min ago. like, what the hell man?! I AM ANNOYED ALL OVER AGAIN. these people are too bloody free and have too damn much smses to waste.

'then nvm then... nothing impt' is what he replies when i ask him why and say i accidentally deleted his message. NOTHING IMPT THEN DON'T MESSAGE ME LAH. NOTHING IMPT THEN DON'T ASK WHY I NEVER REPLY LAH. don't take up space in my inbox, can? i reiterate. too damn free.

oh don't get worked up over little things like that, Ms Ang.

2007-02-06T00:31:00.000+08:00

i just had supper, again! for the dunno how many millionth time. staying in hall makes me eat suppers like nobody's business. which is damn bad cos it's not good to eat then sleep straight after.

Chelsa and i were saying that maybe we're subconsciously depressed, which would explain why we're eating so much rubbish lately. but i'm not really subconsciously depressed i think. ahahaha maybe that's why they call it SUBCONSCIOUS. below the consciousness. underneath the awareness. SUB!

am gonna shower then finish the webcast from this afternoon. there's also ministry work to be done, maybe i'll do that after the webcast. i need more hours in my day aaaaahh!

someday we'll know why the sky is blue
someday i'll know why Samson loved Delilah
one day i'll go dancing on the moon
someday i'll know why i wasn't meant for you.

i've bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
rainbows are pretty and magical. they're the symbol of happy endings and happy whatevers. have you ever seen a rainbow in a sad ending? so, would you like a rainbow painted heart, i say? a happily-ever-after kind of love. they don't occur quite as often as they used to, it seems. but then again, golden seashells and rainbow hearts would be what i'd paint for you. fragile sea glass and bottled sea sand would be what i'd pick for you. everything, would be what i'd say to you.

2007-02-05T14:59:00.000+08:00

Monday classes suck. geog lab just now was the first class i attended for the day. i should've left Mondays free, dammit. couldn't drag myself out of bed for Japanese studies tutorial this morning cos i had a damn bad headache. and a stomachache too. i just wanted to die in bed. new media lectures are a permanent webcast fixture on my timetable now. i think i'm gonna have to give up the 5% reaction papers cos i cannot bring myself to go for lecture, ever. Dee was right, doing a module alone is so difficult! i can't motivate myself to go for lectures. ahhhhh howw.
i have webcasts to do but i'm so tired.

i did several silly things over the weekend. things i ought not have done, things i should have known better than to do.

what Kelly did that was so silly:
1. sprayed perfume into my eyes. damn pain lah. i will remember to check the direction of the nozzle before just squirting into anywhere.

2. had several late night chats. bad for my body. as it was, i was already not feeling very well. staying up late just aggravated the distress on my already not-too-well body.

3. brought back all my books and didn't study at all. wth right. should've just left everything in hall.

4. got pissed off with my sister over something small. never never again. i love my sister too much.

5. skipped Japanese studies tutorial. i should've gone no matter how close to dying i felt.

6. pissed my mom off one of the days (can't remember which already), which just made her grouchy the entire weekend. it is thoroughly unpleasant living with warring parents.

i can't think of anymore things i did which are worth mentioning here.
my ears are bleeding cos i scratched too hard. my lips are peeling cos they're too dry. my eyes are watery possibly cos of the lack of sleep, and also possibly cos i rubbed them too hard. i am NOT in a state of physical well-being now.

haha i think actually i'm quite in an okay mood today, besides the headache buzzing around in my brain. think it's cos i've been doing lots of quiet time, talking to God, loving God, and just believing in all he has in store for me. as i was telling some friends yesterday, i can't explain it but there's a surety in my heart that all will be well in the end, that's why i'm not suicidally depressed or anything, being given potential reasons to drive myself to the brink of insanity in my own head. one of the readings in the week reminded me that God wants us to be happy, happy in him. if God wants me to be happy, who am i to decide to be unhappy? it's just slightly masochistic to wallow in my sadness/depression/upset-ness/confusion/complication/whatever instead of lifting it all to God and trusting that he has a plan for me that will make me happy.

i'm not saying i'm some superheroine with the ability to appear like all's well and i'm happy and strong when i'm not inside. i'm not acting, i'm not pretending. i'm really just like that. i don't appear like all's well, all's really fine with me now and i'm at peace with myself. but at the same time, i'm not exactly all alright inside, it's just that the muddled-up-ness doesn't affect me so aversely. i recognise the complication, i recognise the confusion, but i'm not letting myself be swallowed by all the turmoil raging. do i make sense? hmm. i dunno. i think maybe not, it seems to be contradictory, whatever i said.

okay anyway.

i will try to explain myself again later. i am going to webcast for an hour or so then nap. i'm paying off my sleep debt now. sleeping at 230am and getting up at 6am is rather tiring. especially for a Monday morning.

2007-02-03T13:22:00.000+08:00

today's turning out to be one of those days where i wish i never woke up in the morning.
i have cramps, dammit. and i feel like crap.
i can't steady my hands enough to pick up a pen to write, i can't focus on anything for too long without feeling like i need to throw up, i can't sit up in my chair without crouching over and wishing i could crawl back into bed.
I WANT TO REMOVE EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ME FEMALE.

i want to puke, i want to sleep, i want to whine, i want to cry, hormones are nonsense.
my head hurts, my abdomen hurts, my back hurts, even my legs hurt, for crying out loud. water retention. i want to sleep but my mother is annoying me. she comes into my room clomping away in her slippers and yelling, "why aren't you up yet?? i hate waking you up, you never get up the moment i tell you to." and i was thinking like, who asked you to wake me up? but i had no bloody energy to say anything so i just rolled out of bed. but why can't i sleep in on a Saturday?? why can't i stay in bed if i feel like crap? why can't she leave me alone to sleep when right now, my body just wants to sleep and sleep and sleep until the cramps disappear?

argh today is one of those days i hope no one crosses me wrongly. i will snap if i have the energy to cos i'm so so so sosososososososososo bloody grumpy and pissed off with the world. pissed off that girls have to endure monthly cramps, as if it's not enough leaking blood for a week each month. no, the loss of blood HAS to come with pain too right. as if it's not enough cramps are the bane of my existence, i can't even sleep well to fight the cramps away cos whenever i sleep when i have my period, i make sure i sleep stiffly straight so i won't stain the bed. and it's not as if pain in my tummy is not quite enough right, i also have to always feel like throwing everything inside me up. like now. like last month. like how many trillion months since i got my first period in Primary 5. can you imagine? i've been enduring this nonsense ever since i was a little girl. 11 years old. it's been 9 years since. 12 periods a year for 9 years. that makes.. 108 times!

i'm sorry if all this was too much info for you, but i need to vent. i resent being a girl and having to go through all this. i resent my periods. i resent the cramps. i resent the hormones that make me grouchy. i resent the hormones that make me feel like dying.

pfft. i really really want to die. hurts like hell.

2007-02-02T01:02:00.000+08:00

i wish you'd take my hand
as we watch the moon shining in the night sky
wind caressing our faces
dancing leaves and spiralling flowers
fluttering gently down on the sidewalk
counting the stars that peek out from the clouds
close my eyes and imagine it's real
and thinking of all things pretty in the world
golden seashells and rainbow hearts
would be what i'd paint for you

i wish you'd take my hand
as we walk along the seashore
listening to the waves lap on the shore
feeling the sand between our toes
tasting the salty sea breeze
breathing in the fresh cool air
throw our hands up to the sky
and yell what's in my heart to the sea
without a care in the world
fragile sea glass and bottled sea sand
would be what i'd pick for you

i wish you'd just stand there
and let me just look into your eyes
with nary a word, nary a touch.
hear the whisper of the night breeze
dance to the silent symphony playing
throw all my doubts into the passing wind
carry them far away
chuck all the sadness onto the pavement
and watch as the leaves cover them
imagine that perhaps you might
and all things in my fairytale would be right

everything
would be what i'd say to you.

Kelly Marie Ang

2007-01-30T03:11:00.000+08:00

i just finished my geog assignment due tomorrow.

I GOT SO ANNOYED DOING IT. i'm so glad it's done.
school's really killing me.

2007-01-29T07:48:00.000+08:00

OMG I HATE IHG I HATE HALL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE EVERYTHING.
i'm so tired, i really am. don't give me that 'oh really' look if you ask me whether i'm tired and i say yes, i will slap you, i swear. don't think that my life revolves around hall, cos it sure as hell doesn't. don't even ASK ME WHY I'M SO ANNOYED WITH HALL when you don't want to listen to what i have to say anyway.

i feel like screaming and swearing and just flopping into bed and hiding away for a week. nothing ever ends, duty duty duty, work work work - i have schoolwork too you know. if you don't care about your results, don't drag me down with you please. my schoolwork's my toppest priority in school, everything else falls behind it. my ministry's my toppest priority in my other aspect of life, everything, and i mean everything, including all the million and one things to do in hall, falls right behind it. if you don't agree with how i prioritise, you have every right to, i'm not disagreeing. but don't impose your values on me cos it's not gonna change my mind and only annoys me to no end.

frickyouall. i sure as hell don't give up two years of my life to emptiness. i'm not selling my soul and my time to emptiness in the busy-ness. if you want to, go right on ahead, but ask me why again and i swear i'll kick you where it hurts.

2007-01-28T00:07:00.000+08:00

don't judge me for who i am.
don't judge me for who i am not.
don't think badly of when i crumble.
don't think well of me when i don't.
don't ignore me when i cry.
don't ignore me when i smile.
don't look me in the eye and just turn away.
don't look me in the eye and stand there.
don't expect me to know everything.
don't expect me to never fall.
don't think the world of me.
don't think nothing of me.
don't shut me off when i try to help.
don't feel shut off when i don't.
don't let me love you.
don't tell me i should when you won't.
don't wonder why i cry.
don't wonder why i don't.
don't keep it all to yourself.
don't let me keep it all to myself.
don't leave me alone.
don't, just don't.

2007-01-27T22:38:00.000+08:00

when the earth shakes beneath your feet and the walls reveberate around you, what do you do?
when you try to keep the pillars from collapsing and the plaster from peeling, what do you do?
when the stars seem to be crashing down over your head and the moon isn't shining as brightly as it used to, what do you do?

when you try to smile even as your muscles ache, what do i do?
i'm scared.

2007-01-25T01:07:00.000+08:00

how apt it is that not too long ago, when i was living in my walled-up, bubble wrap world where dreams didn't exist, i wondered to myself: if God were to take away what i love or deny me what i wanted with all my heart, would i still be able to say, yes God, you're good all the time and i love you?

it's easy to say that i'll trust in God for all the plans he has for me, come what may, when all's going so deceptively smoothly in my life. it's easy to proclaim that i love God when he gives me the results i want or blesses me with the dear friends in my life. it's easy to say that i want to give everything up to God when i have nothing to give up.

but when life's not so smooth sailing, will i be able to say the same? if God doesn't give me what i want, will i be able to say the same? and if i have the world to give up, will i still be able to say the same? i don't think it's quite that simple, really. it's one thing to say things with your lips. words come cheap. it's totally another to mean what you say.

and i've found that over the last few days, one important thing i've learnt is to say what i mean, and not just parrot things off the top of my head cos i think it's the right answer. i've learnt to smile at the little things that life surprises you with, even if the night before you feel like there's never gonna be anything to smile at again. i've learnt to want to live like there's no tomorrow, and even love like i'm not afraid, though i may get burnt in the process. i've learnt that hurt is transient, i have to want to let go and put my mind on letting go of it all. i've learnt that i'm a scarily stubborn soul, even to the point of delusion. i've also learnt that i'm stronger than i think i am, behind the fragile, porcelain-like exterior.

i think i can safely say that i'm learning to trust God so much more, learning to really understand what it means when i tell myself that God will always give me what i need and what he knows to be good for me, though this may not necessarily be what i want. in other words, what i want may not be what i need, and God knows that through and through. such simple words, but they mean so much. it means not asking God why he didn't answer your prayer when you don't get what you want so badly. it means telling God that you totally trust in his plan for you, even though you may feel like crap now. it means to be able to walk through a darkened doorway, scared as you may be, with all the certainty in the world that the most beautiful light waits for you at the other side, even if you can't see it. it means so much, and i'm just finding out the tip of the iceberg of what it means to totally trust in God. it's hard to understand why we have to suffer from the hurt when God doesn't give us what we want so dearly, and yet we HAVE to understand that the hurt's only temporal and beyond the hurt, beyond the pain, beyond the tears, there lies something so much better, so much more beautiful.

and at the end of the day, even if things don't work out the way i wanted them to, i'm still me. i'm still Kelly Marie Ang, still the girl with so much more inside than she shows to the world, still the loving soul who has such a great capacity to love because she was made for that, still the slightly hopeless romantic tempered with a bit of real world cynicism, still the girl with so many questions about everything, still the girl in love with life and all it has to offer. i'm me, and nothing that happens could ever lessen my sense of who i am. i just learnt that.

it's important to love who you are, really. because if you don't love you, how do you expect others to love you, and how can you love others? and if things don't work out, remember that it's not cos you're not good enough. it's just not the right time, right person, right everything. God took the time to make me in his likeness (ahaha he must be a very pretty man if my mirrors have been accurate), God took the time to imprint in me all my unique individual traits and give me the gifts i was born with, God took the time to plan out my life for me, even though he knew that at certain junctures i'd be hurling expletives at him. if God did this for me and the dunno-how-many billion people in the world, don't you think you must be worth at least something to him? i do.

and to my dear Lynette: thank you.

2007-01-24T16:38:00.000+08:00

woke up early and just lazed around in bed until i met Chels for lunch at Munchie Monkeys. soci tutorial was slightly boring, nearly dozed off in my chair. 2 hours! was quite long! but at least it's one of those once every fortnight kinda tutorial, which i like.

i'm smiling, i've been smiling. :)

2007-01-24T11:26:00.000+08:00

such a pretty morning it is!

there's such a lot of world to see.
i know.

2007-01-24T03:08:00.000+08:00

today passed by in a total blur. i was so tired and my eyes hurt so bad and my head hurt so bad too and i just floated from class to class. i didn't know i looked so bad until Mel called me and asked what the hell happened to me, cos i looked as if i wanted to die and take the whole world along with me.

nah. haha. don't wanna die. and don't wanna take the whole world along with me if i do either.

sent Shaun off at the airport after class today. i felt so sad for him! 5 years! i can't imagine how he must've felt, cos i mean i'm away from home for just a week in hall and i'm already so homesick. and i still have my friends with me. but if you go overseas, you're alone. you have to start anew. it's scary. to leave behind your loved ones and only remember them in your head when you're away.

cleaned up my room when i got back. don't know why i suddenly felt like cleaning up my room, but i think it has to do with getting rid of the dustballs in my life. it's like, you know, you have to clean out the clutter in your life, and this desire manifests itself as a desire to physically clean up your surroundings. swept the floor, cleaned the curtain blinds with wet tissue, cleaned the dust caterpillars off the fan, wiped down the tables and most other surfaces in my room with water, threw out a bag full of garbage from my table - and there's still plenty of clutter in my room left. i think it's an ongoing process, you have to keep cleaning to keep the room clean. similarly, i have to keep cleaning out the clutter in my life to keep my life clutter free. or the dust caterpillars will just collect on the fan again and spin yucky black caterpillars of dust all round the room.

there's much on my mind at the mo but i'm not overly troubled. i do wonder why i've let myself slip still, why i let my thoughts run away with me. when you already know that the truth is a cruel one, you still let yourself be swept away by your wishes and wants and in the end, the fall back down is so sharp, so painful, so jarring that my ass still hurts from the tumble back down on the ground. i told myself to never let my guard down again, to never expect anything cos when you don't expect, you don't feel crushing disappointment, nor do you have to live with the knowledge that you practically lived in a fantasy world you created for yourself. even if i only let myself live in that bubble world for the shortest time ever, fact is that i did allow myself to, and that overnight stay in that wonderful, fantastical world of dreams resulted in devastation. never again will i even let myself imagine that you know, that maybe dreams do come true after all. it's too hard to face the cold reality afterwards. i don't wanna become cynical, i don't wanna be distrustful, i don't wanna live in a painful, spartan world where dreams don't exist and you only allow yourself to live in the now of the place and not a maybe of the future. but i fear i'm slowly becoming like that, and i don't know what i can do to stop it. yes, even though i'm not depressed now or crying my eyes out from sadness or whatever, i still do have these random thoughts of 'silly Kelly, what the hell were you doing? what the hell were you thinking? you let yourself imagine that dreams come true, and see what's happened?'

tired. shall sleep soon. soci tutorial is rather annoyingly difficult.

i'm here, just like i said
though it's breaking every rule i ever made
my racing heart, it's still the same
why make it strong to break it once again?
and i'd love to say "i do",
give everything to you
but i could never now be true
so i say,
think i'd better leave right now
before i fall any deeper
think i'd better leave right now
i'm feeling weaker and weaker
somebody better show me how
before i fall any deeper
think i'd better leave right now.
i'm here, so please explain
why you're opening up a healing wound again
i'm a little more careful
perhaps it shows
if i lose the highs, at least i'm spared the lows
now i tremble in your arms
what could be the harm?
to feel my spirit calm?

i wouldn't know how to say
how good it feels seeing you today
i see you've got your smile back
like you say, you're right on track
but you may never know why
once bitten, twice as shy
if i'm proud
perhaps i should explain
i couldn't bear to lose you again.
*leave right now//will young

i just cried and cried and cried when i heard this song. i am rather emotional still, sadly. i should be fine in a few days though.

2007-01-23T02:20:00.000+08:00

so many things happened today, and not all good things at that.
i lost my phone. my beautiful white slide phone. may the person who took it from Bus D in NUS not sleep well for the next few years. it's a sin to take what's not yours.

my head hurts from all the crying from today. today was honestly an emotionally exhausting day. or rather, it was an emotionally exhausting night.
so you see, it's always safer to assume things aren't real. though it's delusional, it's also a safety net. i never want to fall so hard back to earth again and i dunno, i pray i haven't lost faith in love.

promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

i'm tired. so very tired. a part of me just wants to hide away and curl up under the covers of my bed, away from the world. and yet another part of me just wants to embrace the world for all that it is, hurts and all. i don't want to be a recluse, i love life and all that it brings. i love being alive and i know that feeling hurt and sad and all those negative feelings are a huge part of being alive. feeling hurt is not gonna be a permanent thing, that i know. though it seems like forever when you're in it, it's really only a short while in the entire span of things. in God's time, we have forever to live. so the one or two years of hurt we go through are nothing compared to the joy and wonderful feeling of wholeness we get to enjoy when we reach fullness of life in Christ in the eternal.

we tend to get sucked into the microscopic view of things, chasing dancing sun-beams of butterflies that seem to real only to dissolve into nothing when we put our hand through the golden wings. stop chasing those butterflies, they're not what's important. we forget that what's truly beautiful is the source of the sunbeams that the butterflies are made of, and we only see that in the macroscopic.

i'm sad and lost for the moment, but i'm gonna be okay.

2007-01-22T14:22:00.000+08:00

geog lab was suchhhhhhhhh a fiasco.
my group mates know nuts about geog, and they even seem to have trouble understanding what i say. for those 2 hours, i was wondering if i was speaking English or some other weird alien language.
killmenowplease. we have an assignment due next week and i just hopehopehope that everything'll go fine. i insisted on collating the answers and submitting so i could have a final look at everything. I NEED AN A. they probably think i'm being a Hermione but whatever man.

just did my laundry! for the first time in a long time! had damn a lot of clothes to wash cos Carol stayed over on Wed and she left a lot of her dirty stuff here. the whole washing machine thing was full! ahaha i dunno, washing clothes just made me feel happy. it's the feeling of cleaning out the dirty things in your room and i guess it seemed to me that i was cleaning out the dust in me too, somehow?

i'm tired! surviving on 2 hours of sleep is no joke okay! my brain's so fuzzy and i think if i nap i might not wake up for volleyball later. and i'm supposed to go for soccer training later! hall is just.. too many things to do. all the activities, scurrying around - for what, in the end? at the end of 4 years in hall, are you a better person by any stretch? sigh i dunno. i know all my complaining's completely useless. i whine so much, bitch so much, and yet i don't pull myself out of hall. something's flawed here isn't it?

sleepy, hungry, bored, and yet so much to do! the paradox of it all.
sometimes i feel like i'm being a horrible person to the core. the things i do or fail to do, the people i hurt unintentionally, the things i say, the tantrums i throw, the inherent bitchiness that's a part of me, i hate them all. and i dunno, if in pursuing your own happiness you end up crushing others' and hurting them, is it worth it at all? of course, the text book answer would be well, if your friends aren't happy, you can't be truly happy anyway, so of course you shouldn't do things like that. and yet, i wouldn't be completely honest with myself if i just said that. i mean, i have so many wants and desires, so many dreams and hopes that i cherish in my heart. would i be able to put all those aside for others? i wouldn't be able to, i think.

i used to think running away was an option. but it's not, really. cos in the end, when you're all alone before you sleep, ghosts of the past come back to haunt you sometimes and leave you feeling so unsettled, so miserable, like all's not well. even if you surpress it so well that you deceive yourself and everyone around you, even if you chuck it out of the window and swear that you'll never use a bamboo pole to retrieve it, it still comes back somehow. it's buried deep in your subconscious and only when you're sleeping and your guard is down, it comes out and prances around in your head once more. face up to it, move on, start anew. don't hang on the shreds of the past, they're just that. so much easier said than done, but at the end of the day you've got your whole life stretching out before you and whatever you've gone through is as much a part of you as all the spankings you used to get from your mother.

sometimes, life seems such a dream. things you never could conceive of do manifest themselves in wisps and sighs, and they touch you and leave you, wondering if you're lost in your own delusions or what. today was rather surreal. it was one of those days when you wonder whether you were really you yesterday, whether you were really alive yesterday, or whether it was but a dream. as a line from A Midsummer Night's Dream so nicely puts it:

if we shadows have offended
think but this, and all is mended
that you have but slumbered here
while these visions did appear;
and this weak and idle theme
no more yielding, but a dream.

i pinched myself hard this morning to see if i was alive. things seem so surreal, really. and it's the sheer normalcy of today that makes me wonder if i even did live through yesterday. things going on as they always do, nothing's out of place.

gonna nap.

2007-01-22T03:32:00.000+08:00

MAN U LOST TO ARSENAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOO TO THEM. :(

i was hoping they'd hold on for a draw at least, but... what the hell happened man??
sigh. football. terrible.

was talking to various people tonight. just got off the phone with Chels. it is damndamndamndamn late and i dunno how i'm gonna get up tomorrow. i still have so much work to do - the smu boards thingy i conveniently forgot until i put down the phone, and all my readings!
omg readings. i must bitch about it. there is SO MUCH TO READ. like, seriously. i CANNOT finish reading everything i swear. hahah! just now i had a typo and i typed 'sweare'. sounds and looks like a very old English word.
and word sounds and meanings were the key points of today! had a looooooonng ym meeting to choose the words for our mission statement and i tell you, i've NEVER been so sick of words in my entire life before. sometimes the sound of the word gives me a certain feeling, but how can i convey a feeling right? it's hard! you leave out so many elements and facets and in the end it just doesn't do the word justice.
and i tell you, i nearly got into an accident today man. i forgot you were only supposed to go up ahead into the right turn pocket when it's green light, and not when it's a red light with a blinking green arrow. damn scary lah! cars were coming from my right and left and horning at me like nobody's business and i was just like, shit shit shit how now brown cow. and i had to just force my way out of the juncture and it was SO SCARY cos the cars were just zooming by and not slowing down and i had to swerve and manouvere to get out of their way. lucky the car was safe. dad would've slaughtered me if it didn't come back with all 4 wheels.

i'm no longer confused.

2007-01-20T23:08:00.000+08:00

i've seen this place a thousand times
i've felt this all before
& everytime you call
i've waited there
as though you might not call at all
i know this face i'm wearing now
i've seen this in my eyes
and though it feels so great
i'm still afraid
that you'll be leaving anytime
we've done this once & then you closed the door
don't let me fall again for nothing more
don't say you love me
unless, forever.
don't tell me you need me
if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling,
i'll only believe it
make it real -
or take it all away.
i've caught myself smiling alone
just thinking of your voice
and dreaming of your touch,
it's all too much
you know, i don't have any choice.
don't say you love me
unless, forever.
don't tell me you need me
if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling,
i'll only believe it
make it real - or take it all away.

yeah, take it all away. i don't want anything anymore. accidentally, i'm in love? don't even suggest it, friend. i'm not, i'm not, i'm not. i'm not in love, i'm not in like, i'm not in whatever. i'm not deluding myself, i'm not fooling myself.

2007-01-20T14:16:00.000+08:00

I AM TIRED. boooo. my brain is fuzzy and i can't keep my eyes open and all i want to do i sleep the day away. especially since it's raining and i've been having such nice dreams lately and i never want to leave my dream world cos it's so much more comforting, so much more close to the reality that i want.

but. there's work to be done. facil reshuffling for YES needs to be done and OH I WANT TO JUST SLEEP.
i don't wanna go anywhere today, don't wanna leave home, don't wanna do anything. laziness is something i have to overcome one day i think.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand. i've been thinking a lot lately but all the thinking hasn't helped me one bit. if anything, it's only made me a lot more confused. i don't know what i want anymore, which makes pursuing it even harder. even reading the Bible makes me confused cos it seems to say one thing one day and another thing the next. maybe it's cos my mind and heart's not at peace with each other so what the heart wants, the mind doesn't. so conflict takes place and makes me feel uncomfortable all over. it's damn hard to switch off the voice from the heart and just do what the mind says, and it ends up taking a lot of feeling out of everything i do and say. but i'm scared. i don't wanna get hurt again through no one's fault but my own, i don't wanna hurt anyone, i don't want anything i do or say to cause pain or irritation or annoyance or whatever to anyone - myself included.

i wonder, when you look into my eyes do you see what i wanna say? do you see what my heart longs to spit out even as i wrestle with my brain to make the words the brain wants to say come out through my mouth? irrationally, illogically, incomprehensibly, the heart seems to not care to a certain degree about getting hurt. that's the beauty and the terrible thing about the inner world of emotions. it's the brain that tempers what the heart feels because the brain's afraid, afraid of getting hurt because of things that i allow myself to say, think, feel or do. if i didn't listen to what my mind told me, i'd be doing so many stupid things and allowing myself to fall so deep that i couldn't get out. which, i foresee will be a veritable disaster because of certain assumptions i assume to be valid. i know we shouldn't make assumptions, but some assumptions are made to protect ourselves, aren't they? you tell yourself certain things and you make yourself believe certain things so you won't fall into the trap of delusion and fantasy - which could potentially make you miserable and potentially neurotic (because that's what neurotic people do - they make themselves unhappy and are perpetually depressed)

and yet, i'm not depressed this time round. far from it. i'm certainly not overjoyed or deludedly happy that i'm gonna live out my fairy-tale, and there's a certain certainty that God'll make all well. i know i've repeated that line dunno how many million times, but at the end of the day when i've exhausted my mind and all it's possibilities and warped theories, that promise that God'll clean up the glass bits and mess on the kitchen floor is all i can cling on to. really. and you know, while on one hand i'm afraid to love or even like, i want to love like i'm not afraid, i really do. i don't want to inhibited by my own assumptions, i don't want to put on a front that's essentially not me. i want to throw myself into loving and not be afraid that i'll get hurt, i want to love wholeheartedly and with a pure intention and not hold back because again, i'm afraid to get hurt by my own actions. oh, the irony of it.

live like there's no tomorrow
dance like no one's around
sing like no one's listening
give like i have plenty
love like i'm not afraid
be the woman i was meant to be
be the way i was made.

i was made to love. i know it. so why be afraid?

2007-01-20T03:34:00.000+08:00

i am so tired!
am staying over at Chelsa's place tonight. and her keyboard is damn nice to type on.
HI PAL! haha.

i am quite happy! but i'm so tired!

2007-01-18T19:23:00.000+08:00

i'm scared to love you, so very terrified. i'm scared to even think about it, and so i don't let myself. but sometimes in the dark of the night when i curl up in bed and put my head on the pillow, i allow myself to run away with my little fantasies, where boy loves girl, and feet don't touch the ground. where i can love without inhibitions and do whatever i wanna do, say whatever i wanna say without the constant fear of rejection. you can't love without getting hurt, but you can't love with the fear of getting hurt either. sometimes the best thing i can do is to love from afar because i'm just afraid of imposing myself on you, of imposing my wants and perhaps unwanted feelings on you, but are we just second-guessing things and making assumptions of everything? my mind cannot hold much more, but it seems that there's no limit to what the heart can feel. even when you think you've had enough, even when you tell yourself you will not care anymore cos it only causes you much pain - you still care anyway. stubborn fool, you tell yourself. but that's what love is anyway right? if i truly care for you and i truly do love you, i'll love you whether or not you feel the same way. it might force me to love from afar, but a failure to reciprocate does not warrant a 'you suck' from me. and yet a part of me also thinks that if i truly did love you, i'd pull myself away simply because you don't feel the same way. not cos you don't reciprocate, but because i don't want to complicate your life, i don't want to be an eyesore to you, i don't want to impose on you, i just don't want to make you feel negative feelings towards me that you might not want. different contexts, eh. don't second-guess anymore, say what you mean and do what you want. but can i really bring myself to? sigh i am still peturbed by little hazy misty things that i can't chase away. i'm trying to be okay, i really am.

don't let your head rule your heart
don't let your world be torn apart
don't keep it all to yourself
just let all your emotions run free
with someone like me.
i know it's hard when you're feeling down
to lift your feet up off the ground
we make mistakes, but doesn't everybody
you don't always have to agree
with someone like me
that's the way it should be.
we know the story so far
of what you want and who you are
let all your emotions run free
you don't always have to agree
with someone like me.
*someone like me//atomic kitten

i'd give up forever to touch you.
and i just want you to know who i am.

i honestly forgot who reads my blog, so have to Be Careful. not that it's bad, but some things are better left unsaid unless you wanna bother yourself with unnecessary things.
watch your words, Kelly.

2007-01-17T15:30:00.000+08:00

whenever i listen, i feel so close.

and i get lost in my thoughts and wander about in the mazes in my head. there're glass mirrors everywhere and they trick me - it's all just a mirage. and i know it, somehow. can feel it, somewhere.

close my eyes and just get lost in the music and the lyrics, where things seem clearer and sadder and feelings come out beautifully instead of in hesitant bits and pieces.

i know what it means to live like there's no tomorrow. the depth of the phrase hit me this morning when i was walking to the biz library to meet Stef and Chelsa to study. you do everything you wanna do today instead of procrastinating it to tomorrow, because tomorrow might never come. you say whatever you wanna say today, you live through every second as though it might be your last and you don't waste your time on useless things that shouldn't warrant much of your attention in the first place. you tell whoever you love that you love them, even if you never intended to express your feelings so openly. you smile at those who make you happy to show them that they do make you happy, you reach out a hand to touch those who you've been dying to give a hug to cos you wanna show you care - so much. you call up your loved ones when you feel like it and not tell yourself, i'll do it tomorrow, i'm too tired tonight.

sometimes all you wanna say is in your eyes and nothing you say can convey whatever you wanna say. sometimes you know what you're feeling, but there're no words to describe it.
i'm not defeated or giving up 2 days after the conviction i had that all would be well. i still do know all will be well, but as the days pass and blend into each other and a sense of prevalent normalcy threatens to rob the weekend of its special significance, i need to cling on tighter and tighter to God's promise that all will be alright. alright not in the way that i define it, but in his way. i was waxing lyrical about impatience and the importance of patience on Monday when i met Chels in Clementi to get books, but i'm only human and i'm so desperately impatient for a change to take place - just like that with a snap of my fingers. and yet i'm also so desperately sure that God does things in his own time. so it's just my human nature surfacing in me and trying to dictate my thoughts and rationality, it's perfectly normal for all of us to have to constantly struggle to put this human nature down and live in the now of God and not the now of me.

i'd give up forever to touch you
cos i know that you'll feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now
all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
cos sooner or later, it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight
and i don't want the world to see me
cos i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.
you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
you bleed just to know you're alive.
*Iris//Goo Goo Dolls.

i don't, and yet......
i want to sing a song.

2007-01-16T15:23:00.000+08:00

frustration is slowly bubbling up inside of me, and yet everytime i feel it coming up, i take a deep breath and close my eyes and cast my mind back to the surety i'd had in God. whenever i feel annoyed and pissed off and just so bloody frustrated at how short-sighted some people can be, i tell myself to bite down the words of irritation that are dying to jump out of my mouth.
these days i tend to say exactly what's on my mind and that's not always a good thing. what's brewing in my mind isn't necessarily always nice and constructive, so i have to filter out what's pure bitchiness and what's destructive and just keep my cool.

but you know, if you're just being plain retarded in every sense of the word and you don't use your brains to think, then i'll have no choice but to tell it to you to your face because you need to grow up. when i said i'd do everything i have left to do in hall, i meant it with a clause: unless you ask me to do something so absolutely dumb that it makes zero sense to even attempt. God gave you a brain for a reason. use it before making people do things and wasting time like nobody's business. God gave us 24 hours a day, he meant us to do good things with it because we don't have an unlimited supply of 24 hours. we all die, after all.

ugh so think, please, i really don't want to bite your head off.
i'm trying to be a good person, i'm trying to do things with a smile, i'm trying to be optimistic and cheerful about everything and i'm trying to tell myself that doing all this inane work probably will bring some good about eventually, even if i can't see it. BUT IF YOU ACT SO DUMB I CAN'T HELP BUT WANT TO CLOBBER YOU. do you want me to clobber you with a smile on my face or with a cheerful attitude? arghh.

my knees are dying on me, by the very way. i think it's a case of early arthritis because it's been hurting at the joint since yesterday. and it hurts every time i'm in the cold or if it's exposed to air-con. and sometimes even when i'm wearing jeans, it hurts. i am going to suffer next time.

keeping busy is the devil's way of making you unable to pray and spend quiet time with the Lord. i was busy all the way till 2 plus last night and then i went to print my notes and readings, by the time i was moderately tired i realised it was already 4am. like, hello. i tried to sit on my bed and pray before reading the bible but i couldn't, my brain was shutting down on me. so i made do with what i could, i turned out the light and talked to God before finally falling to sleep.

it only gets harder as it goes along, never easier.

and i am dead tired. i want to sleep but i have so much readings to do. i should take a nap before reading or nothing'll go in anyway, but i know if i nap i won't wake up anytime soon. howww. my back is killing me and i think my body is shutting down on me. i want to do so many things but sigh, the spirit is so willing and raring to go but the body is so bloody weak and tired out.

soldier on, girl. you are not alone.

but those who trust in the Lord for help
will find their strength renewed
they will rise on wings like eagles
they will run and not get weary
they will walk and not grow weak.

Isaiah 40:31

and this is proof of that, stuck on my board in my room.

2007-01-15T08:28:00.000+08:00

i'm back in hall.
back to all the hall rubbish - yes, rubbish i say, because that's what this all is, to me now.

but i'm determined to see through this sem the best i can, keeping whatever commitments i can fulfill and firmly telling the rest that i really cannot do that i'm sorry, i can't.
prayed about this during the retreat and decided that this is the best thing for me to do. even though it would make a lot more sense to so many others to just give it all up, cos i mean hey, i'm probably not even gonna be staying in hall next semester, so why bother? it's not a points issue to me anymore, it's an ethical thing.
to me, quitting would be taking the easy way out of everything. dropping everything would be so much easier, i could live with the knowledge that everyone thinks i'm some irresponsible shit. but quitting every single thing now would be selling out to myself, and i have to stop doing that. have to stop selling out to what i believe in, and stick to my guns no matter how tough the going gets.

praying about everything just put things in perspective for me and made things so much clearer. things like ham and smu and wardrobe, i can still do. hall production's a little iffy, but i'm determined to do what i can for that. i'm ruling myself out of soccer because i don't want my gums to bleed again, my dad says i shouldn't train for a month or so and not exert physically. so i'll not go back to training. cheer comm was something i got haphazardly roped into and wasn't something i'd actively sought out to join, and i recognise that i can't commit to it. so i'm pulling myself out too.

and i'm 100% commited to God and my schoolwork this semester. i'm seeing a lot of things in a new perspective now, and it's really good how my mind's clearer.

i'm quite at peace with myself even though not all's well. there's a difference between peace and okay. peace is acceptance of everything because of the knowledge that all will be well even if it isn't now. okay is just getting by day to day. and we're not called to merely get by day to day, i realise. we're called to fullness in life in God and that means having the faith that God will work in our lives for our good. as i said, i want to live like there's no tomorrow. life to the fullest, nothing less for me.

ohh yes i wanted to blog about the retreat. it was really good for me, personally! God was so real to me, God spoke to me and i spoke to God, i fell in love and i don't know when i'm going to fall out of love. it's this feeling that you wanna keep being with someone, keep wanting to talk to him and share your life with him, you can't help but smile when you think about him and you are filled with so much joy whenever you think about him. it's exactly like falling in love with a mortal person, only so much more beautiful because you know he loves you so much too!

i was indeed blessed to have met the people who conducted the retreat - Srs Edwina and Cecily, Petrine and Geri. they touched me so greatly and left such a big impact on me and i think it was a turning point for me. God spoke to me in the silence of the long, beautiful night, through the people all around me, through incidents that seemed insignificant but on hindsight have so much inherent meaning, God spoke to me through the Bible and in my dreams, God spoke to me for the first time in a long long time and i was so happy. i still am, and i don't know when i'll stop.

you know, even though things seem so normal now, it mayn't necessarily be the case. as i mentioned once before, sometimes the right 3D glasses are needed to see beyond the wavy reds and greens to the picture behind. and yet, even with the knowledge that all is not well now, i'm still not afraid because God's in full control of everything. of every word i'm gonna say, of what i'm gonna do for the day, of how things will turn out, everything. he knows who i'm gonna marry, even if i don't and i have no clue now. he know when and how i'm gonna die, whether i'm gonna die tomorrow or 50 years from now, whether i'm gonna die in a car accident or in my sleep in old age. God knows what i'm gonna name my child and how my child would look like, he knows who i care for so much even if they don't, he knows who i dislike even if i try to keep it from myself. he knows everything, i'm just coming to terms with that reality cos it's so vast and huge and so true.

i'm glad i went for the retreat rather alone, or as i would say it, girlfriend-less, because it pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me susceptible and more vulnerable, which as a result made me a lot more open to everything. to the sessions, to the quiet time, and ultimately to his soft voice in my heart. if i'd been with say, Chelsa or Cheryl as it had been in the past, i'd have ended up nattering away to them and not really getting anything out of the sessions or the quiet time. and in the past, quiet time used to be just time for me to get lost in my thoughts about certain issues and i couldn't focus on finding God. but this time, for some reason or the other, i could really silence everything else and i found God, i really did! if someone asked me what i got most out of the whole retreat, i'd say "i met God and said more than just a hello!"

i think it's a combination of everything's that happened that allowed me to finally find God in my heart this time. the fiasco at home the day before the retreat really really helped me align my thoughts and focus, will you believe it! i could relate the entire incident to everything happening in my life now.

see, when i dropped the bottle on the floor and made a complete mess out of the kitchen, that was when i made a mess in my own life. then when i tried to clean up the mess in the kitchen, that was me trying to clean up the mess in my own life.
when i tried to call my parents to ask for help cos i didn't know what the hell to do, that was me trying to call God to ask for help.
and when my parents didn't pick up the phone, that was God seemingly not answering.
when i started to try to clean up by picking up the biggest pieces of glass on the floor, it was me trying to clear out the biggest problem by tackling it straight on in the hopes that everything would be alright after that.
but even after taking the biggest pieces out, the mess was still there. same. even after tackling things head on, the problem was still there. but i just thought i'd 'cleaned up' cos i mean, i'd thrown away the biggest visible piece of glass anyway. same thing in my life. i'd charged head on into the hugest issue in my life, i felt.
so i turned away from all the tiny million shards of glass on the floor and the oil still everywhere, telling myself i'd already cleaned up and i was done. likewise, i turned away from the remaining things in my life and told myself i'd cleaned up and was alright.
but i knew somewhere at the back of my head that if i stepped into the kitchen again, i'd step on the oil and glass and i'd hurt. likewise, i knew somewhere in the bottom of my heart that if i stepped into the whole thing again, i'd still get hurt cos the tiny glass shards were still everywhere.
all i wanted was for my dad to come home cos i knew that when he did, everything would be alright cos he'd know exactly what to do to clean up the mess. likewise, all i wanted was for God to come back because i knew that if he did, everything would be alright cos he'd know what to do, simply cod he's God.
and when my dad came home, i was so happy cos i knew that even though the mess was still there, he'd be able to clean it all up. when i found God, i was so happy cos i knew that even though the mess is still there, he'll take care of it all.

so many parallels, it's amazing! i journalled it all down and i still have plenty to say but i gotta run for my new media lecture now.

2007-01-14T20:50:00.000+08:00

got back from the YM retreat today.
it was. the BEST retreat i've attended in my 19 years on this earth. seriously honestly truthfully. it wasn't a fun retreat by any conventional means. it was good because it was so painful. and no, i am not a sadist by any means. i don't enjoy inflicting pain on myself, nor do i get high when i'm suffering. but God has a way when He works in people, and more often than not, His way doesn't promise roses and violets and lovely crocuses or poppies along cobblestoned roads. God's way often involves us realising ugly truths about ourselves, us coming face to face with issues we've buried deep inside us that still give us so much hurt and pain still whenever we uncover them.
i had such a real experience of God during the retreat that even now, i'm so.. so.. amazed and all i want to do is go back to my conversation with God i'd been having since QT last night. i probably sound a little wonky, like huh why does she want to talk to herself kinda thing. but really really, when you've really had a REAL experience of God in your life, you just never want to stop talking to Him. you just want to spend all your time nattering away to Him and listening to what He has to say to you and oh, i'm so in love, i really am.
i'm so blown away by what He has revealed to me, by what i've come to really feel with my heart and mind and every part of me, by how loved i am despite of my greatest weaknesses, by how convinced i am that God'll clean up the oil spill in my life even though i just can stand there and look at the mess wanting to cry and i don't have the words to say anymore even though i know there's a whole ocean of things to say. this is the depth of my conviction, it's incredible.

i feel somewhat grown up, somewhat changed, somewhat like a new person. yes, even though i'm still me with all the same vulnerabilities and weaknesses and likes and dislikes and talents and strengths, even though some semblence of the little girl still resides somewhere in me and though she wants to come out to play sometimes, i recognise that i'm growing up and i'm no longer just a little girl anymore.
i was told that i look like a delicate, frail, sweet, pretty little thing with absolutely nothing inside my head except fluff. with a million dollar smile and pretty little voice. but somehow someone's managed to see past all that outward appearances and she used the words "you're a strong woman inside" on me.
woman. i daren't even think of myself as a woman yet, and yet i fear i'm becoming that sooner rather than later. i've learnt so many things over the course of the last year, 2006. really damn a lot. and so much of what i've learnt was so terribly painful. and yet that's the beauty of it, i'm me now because of what's happened. i'm me now, cracked and delicate still because of the time i've been dropped and yet i wouldn't be me if the cracks weren't there.
you've been so much a part of my life, even though i don't even talk to you now. it's so strange but it seems like there's something more to be uncovered out of everything, so much more to be discovered - beautiful things. like a rainbow through the storm. i'm so sure, i know it as fact, i know God will help me even though i don't know what to say beyond the gulf.

more about the retreat tomorrow, i'm dead tired.
the spiritual deepening over the 2 days have started to take its toil on my body, and all i need to do is rest. strangely enough, the thing i kept thinking about last night before i fell asleep was: if you can imagine it, you can believe it. it doesn't make sense to my logical mind but maybe my subconscious knows so much better than my conscious self knows?

i leave you tonight with my motto that ended up sounding a little poetic and slightly like a Chris Tomlin song that was someone else's motto.

Kelly's motto
i want to live like there's no tomorrow
i want to love until forever
i want to sing a song i write
i want to see the sun & feel the wind & say hello to God in my heart
i want to make you all as happy as i can
i want to smile even through the tears.

2007-01-12T15:57:00.000+08:00

TODAY WAS A SHITTY DAY.
even though i've only been awake for 4 hours of it.

deep breath.

you will not BELIEVE everything that's happened!
firstly, i woke up cos the dratted house phone wouldn't stop ringing. thank goodness i woke up though cos it was Chels asking about tutorial balloting.

so anyway, i realised during the convo that my gums had been bleeding overnight again.
nevermind, nothing new, i thought.
so i carried on, tried doing my balloting and ranking. and stupid cors acted up on me, i just couldn't reselect my tutorial slots.
after that was over, i cooked lunch.
cos i realised my stomach was dreadfully empty. instant porridge was the choice for the day since i didn't want anything too messy to clean up.
OMG WRONG CHOICE MAN.
the cooking went well, perfect. the porridge boiled, i'd put in just the right amount of water into the pot and it was turning out fine.
until i decided to put sesame oil in my porridge to make it tastier.
bloody hell absolute wrong choice of the century.
the stupid bottle was difficult to cap back. so there i was shoving down with all my might on the bottle cap to close it, when woosh it slipped out of my hands and went crashing onto the kitchen floor.
THE STUPID BOTTLE SMASHED INTO PIECES AND THE OIL WAS EVERYWHERE.
i just stood there for a full minute wondering what the hell had happened.
then when it sunk in, what had happened, i wanted to burst into tears.
yes, silly thing to do i know. i mean, fat lot of good tears will do to the mess right. but there was glass all over and the oil was just pooling up there on the floor and some had spilt onto my legs as well and i was just like, ohshit.
after morosely fishing out the big pieces of glass from the gigantic mess and throwing them into the ntuc plastic bag i had the sense to rummage out, i decided to go eat my lunch first before trying to clean up.
threw several pieces of tissue onto oil before eating, hoping that it'd soak up most of the oil and i could start sweeping the shards once i was done with lunch.
no such luck though. there was too much oil. so i had to kneel on the stupid floor and mop up the mess with more tissue. at this point i was cussing my eyeballs out.
so when the oil had more or less been mopped up, i decided to try to sweep the bits of glass up.
but i couldn't find the bloody broom anywhere!
called my dad up wanting to cry already, and he said "oh i know where the broom is already! it's in Carol's room. try the dustbin." my reaction was a shrill screech and my dad was like, "alright calm down, girl. so after you get the broom and sweep up everything, you take a bit of liquid from the toilet and water and use the mop and blahblahblah.." at this point barely anything was going in as i just numbly nodded and said "okay" several times.
as my dad said, the broom was in Carol's dustbin. like, hello. why would anyone in their right mind put a broom in the dustbin????
came back down, swept up the glass bits, poured Ajax on the floor and sloshed water over it, swept the mop right over several times and i sniffed the patch before me. it still smelt like crap, so i poured even more Ajax over. it didn't smell any better so i was like, whatever lah. i'd poured two capfuls on the floor already, i thought mom and dad wouldn't be happy if they found out i'd emptied two bottles of things in one day - the BRANDNEW bottle of sesame oil and the Ajax floor cleaning liquid.
and did i tell you, i had happily forgotten i'd spilt oil on myself too up until the point when i was sadly eating my ill-fated porridge. i'd put my arm on my knee in my usual samsui-woman way when my arm began slipping off my knee. i thought i was just getting weak from lack of food or something so i propped it back again. only to have it promptly slip off again. it was then when i realised there was oil on my knee and i'd just effectively smeared oil all over my arm. well done Kelly.
back to my cleaning up. it took me several splashes of water and swipes of my mop across the floor to finally get the oil all off.
i decided to take a nice break before going to wash the plates and clothes that had oil and bathe and all. so came to my laptop and turned on iTunes and went online and all.
when i decided to start cleaning up again, i brought the plate to the by-now-dry-and-clean kitchen and put it in the sink. and turned the tap on.
and guess what?
you will SO not believe this, but there was NO WATER. no water! will you believe it??? just a pathetic trickle and then, nothing. i frantically ran around the house trying to turn on all the taps, and it was all the same!
i called dad again and he said he'd check with the guardhouse. and when he call back, what did he tell me? THE MAIN WATER PIPE HAD BURST.
yes, the fricking pipe just burst. BURST, i tell you! how dare the pipe burst when i need water so badly now, how DARE THE PIPE BURST??!?!!?!?!?
i could only make a strangled noise and sputter a bit when dad told me the news.
at this point, i think dad was trying not to laugh cos my day was turning out so horrifically, but he was like, "you know, it's not so bad lah. just wait it out, they're trying to repair it now."
and i was like "huh! but i have oil all over me and i need to bathe and there are a gazillion plates to wash and i need to wash the clothes that have oil on them and omg dad, how can the pipe burst????????"
and dad had the cheek to suggest i go use the water in the flush system to shower if i really insisted on showering.
i was like "what!" and he snorted and said "then you wait!" before putting down the phone.

ARGHTHEHOUSEISREVOLTINGAGAINSTMEHELPHELPHELPPPPPPPPPPP. i can't drink anything anymore cos i finished up the juice and anyway all i taste is bloody blood (sorry no pun intended i swear) and i daren't go shit even though my stomach's aching like crap (ahahah i promise no pun intended again) cos i'm scared there's not enough water to flush the toilet and i'll have shit swirling around in the toilet bowl if that happens.
i don't even dare to go pee cos i'm scared the pee'll bounce right off the toilet bowl or something cos i dunno, the bowl hates me or something. :(

i'm cold and thirsty but i can't get a blanket or anything cos of all the yucky oil on me!!!!!! i keep thinking i smell rubbish but then i realise it's me and i get even sadder.
what a perfectly horrible 4 hours of Friday this has been. next time i shall stay in bed even longer so less funny things can happen.
okay i mean, it's quite funny when you think back. but i'm not in the mood to laugh now.
supposed to go help clean the retreat house tomorrow for the YM retreat. omg i tell you, i have absolutely zero inclination to clean anything from now till i dunno, the year 2067. mops, brooms, pots and pans can just stay 100,000miles away from me, thankyou.

2007-01-12T00:55:00.000+08:00

feeling rather accomplished. finished an article about rag day for ham in record time - just under half an hour i reckon. haven't typed so frantically in such a long time, since school ended and the tutorial rushes for sem1 were over.

so much readings to do already! shall have to start reading and absorbing soon. am determined this sem will go smoothly, and nothing's gonna come in my way of my cap 4-point-oh-something.

gonna play sims for a while now! haven't played in quite long cos i can't bear for my sims to become old and die. but i guess some'll have to die or my neighbourhood will become too big. thinking of buying the expansion packs after university but haven't been able to find the pirated versions. ohdear. i hope the police doesn't catch me. but well, no harm done anyway cos couldn't find. XD so yeah. prob have to borrow off someone or buy the real version.

been having gastric the whole day. think it's cos of the miniscule amounts of food i've been ingesting - lazy to chew since my gums ache everytime i try. my teeth still ache from the dinner attempt so i didn't manage to put much food into my stomach then. think i will have to go and try to ransack my fridge to see if there's anything i could possibly eat cos i don't want my gastric problem to deteriorate into a stomach ulcer problem. antacids are fine and well to neutralise the hydrochloric acid churning in my stomach, but it's definitely not a long term solution. argh acting up again. ouchouch. sucks to me.
for some strange reason i have a pain in my lower back that i suspect stems from gastric. i hope it's not gastric juice seepage into the intestines or whatever.
i suspect i might die from starvation next time cos of my sheer laziness to eat sometimes. it's not that i'm trying to diet or lose weight or any of that nonsense. i'm just too lazy to chew and swallow sometimes.

okay gonna grab a bite now. as i said, nothing's gonna stand in my way of my miraculous cap recovery this sem, and that includes my own body.
ooh wonderful bimbotic song playing on my iTunes now. Bombastic Love by Britney Spears. the title itself oozes bimbotic-ness already hah.

bimboticism power man.

2007-01-11T20:17:00.000+08:00

ohhhhh my mother is gonna kill me when she gets home.

groan&moan.

i wish mom and dad'll hurry up and come home so i can quit worrying. why did i forget my phone this morning arghh.

2007-01-11T14:24:00.000+08:00

removed my stitches today! glad to be rid of the black things.

had another random thought while on the train dozing off.

how do you know when you've stopped liking someone?
when he messages you/calls you/says hello and you don't care. ALSO. when he doesn't message you/call you/say hello and you don't give a damn. when you see him online and you don't even realise it until he messages you - shows that you've stopped caring.

how do you know when you haven't stopped liking someone?
when he messages you/calls you/says hello and your heart skips several beats and you start grinning like a total idiot. ALSO. when he doesn't message you/call you/say hello and you feel like the lousiest crap on earth. and when you see him online and you wait and wait for him to message you - it shows that you haven't stopped caring one bit.

when does like begin and end? and how does like begin and end? what is like anyway? it's not quite love but it's not quite oh-hello-you-exist-and-i-think-you're-a-decent-human-being also. what do you call something that's not like, but not quite sheer indifference either? just plain i-care-for-you or maybe there isn't a word for it cos it's not possible to pinpoint such a weird feeling? what's something that's not hate but not quite sheer indifference either? just plain i-care-for-you-and-i-hope-life-isn't-going-well-for-you?

to end off on a totally off-tangent note, soci readings for the week are the boringest thing on earth. i thought soci'd be fun, i still hope it'll be fun, but today while i was reading the course pack, i was just struggling to keep my eyes focussed on the page.
paragraph after paragraph of words phrased so bloody pompously. you'd think that people would have better things to write about, but noooooooo.
think i would've been better off taking philosophy.

2007-01-10T16:40:00.000+08:00

okay you know what? whatever, i can live with this. save it.

2007-01-10T16:08:00.000+08:00

i think relationships between people are an interesting thing to look at.
some people just click better with certain people, while some people just annoy the hell out of others.
i may be the sweetest thing on earth to someone but the most annoying piece of shit to another, all at the same time. and it's not me that's different - it's the way the other person perceives me that's different. how else can you explain how 99% of the population think that i'm a certain way while the remaining 1% of the population thinks otherwise vehemently?

no, perceptions are a dangerous thing. if i perceive you to be an angel based on what you do/say, it does not necessarily mean that everyone else processes your actions the same way and think you're an angel too.

so i say, take those glasses off and see people for who they really are, and not just base your perceptions on previous prejudices.
people will seem that much nicer when you manage to do that.

inexplicable, how i allow my thoughts to run amok and i lose sight of them.

2007-01-09T16:07:00.000+08:00

cooked my own lunch today!
reheated the food in the fridge, more like. hah. but considering that i don't own a microwave at home - since mom is convinced it'll radiate our brains to crisp if we so much as go within 2m of its proximity - it's a feat!

woke up early this morning considering the fact that i only fell asleep at 4plus last night.
for some reason i kept dreaming i was going to Canada with dad and Carol for a 2-day holiday. and i dreamt i was stuck in a class full of 12-year-olds who all thought i was in the wrong place.
woke up at 12 with an ache in my jaw and the comforter thrown off me.

a thought gripped me last night as i was falling asleep.
it seems that our lives seem so much more our own when we have rooms and possessions to call 'my own'.
ugh it seems so shallow and materialistic when i put it this way, but when i thought of it last night it seemed quite Eureka-ish.

the last few nights have seen me sleeping in my mom's room until last night when i moved back to my own bed. and my sense of me immediately came back to me, and this sense of me included all my aspirations, problems and feelings.
previously when i'd been sleeping in my mother's room, i didn't really feel like i was me. i just felt like my mother's child, without a care in the world as i slept afternoons away in the darkened, cool room. surrounded by piles and piles of fluffy, downy pillows and with the fan blowing cool air serenely at my face.

but last night in my own bed, as i wrote in my diary, the sense of carelessness towards the world had dissipated and i was awash in my own frustrations once more.
i was trying to put a name to something i felt, but to no avail. do you have any idea how pissifying that is? to be unable to call a pink spoon a pink spoon cos firstly, the pink isn't exactly pink, it could be mistaken as red, and secondly, the spoon isn't purely a spoon - it's a spoon with fork-like properties. so you can't call it a pink spoon. neither can you call it a red fork. it's just what it is.
when you can't disentangle the ropes of emotions from each other and classify sadness as sadness and happiness as happiness, contentment as contentment and disenchantment as disenchantment, like as like and dislike as dislike; nothing's quite so simple anymore. say sadness is blue string and happiness as red string, contentment is green string and disenchantment is yellow string, like is pink string and dislike is purple string - if all the strings got tangled up in each other and you can't separate the blues from the pinks or yellows from the reds, you just feel like taking a scissors and cutting the knots all out.
of course, you'd be left with bits of cut string all over the place after all's been cut and undone, but that isn't the right way to untangle string is it?
a healthy dose of patience to undo all the knots is required and advised for.

enough analogies for the hour i say. the weather looks good to snuggle in bed and sleep.
i think i shall drink an extra-sweet cup of Ribena then retire to my comfy bed with my baby pillow in hand. :)

2007-01-09T01:38:00.000+08:00

it's been 3 days since i had my wisdom teeth op!

it's been 3 days, no, 4 days, since i last ate something hard and relatively warm.
it's been 3 days since i've tasted blood on my tongue cos the stitches haven't healed yet.
it's been 3 days since i started to thank God wholeheartedly that i still have my sense of taste intact, and that i can still close my mouth.
it's been 3 days since i've been taking painkillers 3 times a day to take the pain of the wounds away.
it's been 3 days since i've been sleeping more than 12 hours each day cos hey, your body's supposed to recover faster with more sleep after all.

and since we're onto counting days and weeks and months and years now, do you know that it's about 3 years before i start to work?
3 years before i have to start contributing to my family's income.
3 years before i leave school and face yucky working life.
a year before i hit the big 2-0,
11 years before i hit the even bigger 3-0.
11 years to get married cos i want to have more than one kid and i don't want to be too old a mother or i'll miss out on my grandchildren's childhoods.

though i am sick of eating nothing but liquid food and baby oats, i am glad i can taste the butter in my porridge, glad i can taste the honey my mother puts into my oats and the chocolatey milo my father makes with brown rice, glad i can feel my tongue when i get up in the mornings, glad i can feel the jagged stitches at the back of my mouth when i run my tongue round my mouth, glad i can taste the irony blood as my gums bleed, glad i can feel the throbbing hurt in my jaw when i get up in the mornings, the effects of the painkillers gone.

so many things could've gone wrong during the op; the surgeon warned me that i might lose my sense of taste temporarily if he accidentally brushed the nerve in my lower jaw during the op. happily enough, my sense of taste hasn't deserted me the slightest bit.

i was scared stiff lying on the operating table. i didn't know if i would ever wake up again, didn't know if i would wake up to a bland world where my mouth was numb and cannot close, didn't know if i would feel the pain as the surgeon sawed through my jaw and pulled out the embedded teeth. so many thoughts running through my mind, and all i could do was entrust everything to God and pray as i freewheeled into unconsciousness as the anaesthetic took over my mind. and the next thing i heard was the sound of a baby wailing somewhere far in the distance. i felt the familiar prickle of irritation (my low tolerance for kids kicking in) and felt thoroughly glad to be alive to feel annoyed.

sigh the last few days have seen me lying in bed a lot and thinking a lot about nothing in particular again. my mind always hurtling at breakneck speed into nowhere and leaving me unrested when i get up cos it seems that it's been processing stuff the entire night.

i wish i didn't think so much about nothing, really. how can someone think about nothing, you wonder? simple, you just set your mind into thinking about something totally unfeasible and unrealistic, and very soon your thoughts will just start to freefall into something else and eventually become nothing.

i am going to sleep again soon. i do nothing but sleep these days. i think it's cos i'm scared i'll be awake when the effects of the painkillers wear away. i saw the stitches in my mouth the other day in the mirror and nearly fainted - the black stitches looked so fierce in the back of my mouth and i can feel the ulcers forming where the thread presses on the soft flesh of my mouth already. ugh.

2007-01-04T04:01:00.000+08:00

spent the day at Chelsa's place today.
after being rudely awakened at 3pm with a tremendous shock. i have no idea how i slept till 3, seriously.

played bridge with her brothers, had her paint my nails and talked and talked and talked.

i dunno why we have so much to say. heh. but lately i've been talking damn a lot to her! spoke to her an hour ago also.
=D

bidding is driving me nuts. i don't know what to take, i think i've resorted to taking marketing cos every other thing i wanna take this sem has insanely high bid points. like, hello. spare a thought for poor first years who can't afford to throw in 2475 points for Christianity Studies. but if i take marketing i'm afraid it'll screw up my chances of doing a minor in biz. i was hoping to be able to minor in biz with level 2000 and 3000 mno modules, but i don't seem to have enough U/Es or breadths or whatevers.

sheesh.

but i'm actually looking forward to next sem, will you believe it! i'll be doing modules like jap studies, sociology, political science and communications and new media; all excitingly interesting modules to my biz-weary ears.

medical check-up tomorrow at 330pm.
and op on Friday.

slightly scared.

gonna watch One Last Dance with Chels tomorrow night. Koko Maggie got me gala tickets to the premier screening at vivocity tomorrow night at 910pm. there'll even be this red carpet thingy at 830. i hope it won't be too crowded cos i wanna get good seats for the show. free seating, will you believe it.

okay should sleep soon. i've been looking at the nus website since putting down the phone with Chels earlier on. i'm worried about my uni future. i shouldn't float about anymore. i think i'm gonna settle on an intended major by the end of next sem so at least i won't be such an aimless bum floating around in life anymore. am looking to major in comm studies and new media. hmm see how it goes!

2007-01-03T03:31:00.000+08:00

i hope you never lose your sense of wonder

you get your fill to eat,
- but always keep that hunger.

may you never take one single breath for granted.

God forbid, love'll ever leave you empty handed.

i hope you still feel small
when you stand beside the ocean

whenever one door closes, i hope one more opens.

promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,

; i hope you dance.

i hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

never settle for the path of least resistance

living might mean taking chances,

but they're worth taking.

loving might be a mistake,
- but it's worth making.
don't let some hell-bent heart
leave you bitter
when you come close to selling out,
; reconsider.
give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
; i hope you dance.

dance.
i hope you dance.

*i hope you dance//lee ann womack

2007-01-02T17:27:00.000+08:00

nothing's changed since 2007 rolled by, and yet things are somehow subtly different.

i don't know the exact differences and changes that seemed to have gone by me, but i can feel it in me. God's working His magic in my life and i'm witnessing everything before my eyes. it's like you know the magician's gonna do something and you're tingling with anticipation at what he's gonna do, you just don't know when and what.

similarly, i suddenly feel like things are gonna be different somehow in my future. far or near, i don't know, but i know God has plans for me and i'd just be an idiot to not want to subscribe to His plans and do things my own stubborn way. since my rants a couple of days ago, i don't feel the need to rant or complain about my sucky life or so i thought it anymore.

the only thing i've been constantly thinking and sharing with people is that everything, and i mean everything, is gonna turn out more than alright in the end and that God knows exactly what i need and will give me what i need cos it's been said over and over that He wants us and me, to be happy people. then why all the not-so-nice things that's been happening, you might ask? it dawned on me one of the nights while i was doing some quiet time that what i want so badly at one point in time may not necessarily be what i need. and God knows it, so He doesn't give me what i want. even if i may think it's what i want most in the world and that i'll be the happiest person alive if i had it, God knows a million times better than me.

a father wouldn't give his own child a snake if the child asks for bread.

i know i've got a long long way to go in my faith journey but i know i'm on the way there. i have so much faith in what God is doing in my life now that whatever seemed like big, unsurmountable issues just barely two days ago now seem small and perfectly handle-able, because i know i'm not alone. these words are oft repeated and have been said by so many others, and yet i don't say them emptily this time.

love those who don't love you? not easy, definitely, but not impossible as i previously thought.

person who you're trying to love isn't making your task easier?
keep trying! heshe will come round eventually if you insist on loving himher. we all do need love in our lives, even the most hard-hearted. and love as in what the Paul's letter to the Corinthians say, and not boy-girl attraction-love kinda love.there's difference between them two when you look deeper.

trust in God? when the world seems to be going all wrong for you and everyone seems to be against you, it's hard to keep faith in God but always always fall back on the eight-hundred plus promises of God to love us and always be with us that's all over the bible. when God knows all the hairs on your head and knew your name even before you were born, you know He's serious about you. my parents can't even do that. i bet your boyfriend/girlfriend can't too.
i know in the deepest of my hearts that God wants the best for me, and always has. He's never once wished ill for me, even when it seemed that He did when i cried all those tears. those tears were just necessary for me to learn important lessons and grow.
it's true when they say that what won't kill you will only make you stronger. when you next face a similar situations, you'll be so much better equipped to deal with whatever. i don't mean to make this sound quite so technical and logical and efficient, but i hope you get my drift.

i've been sharing so much with so many different people over the weekend, it's been amazing. i can't help but think it's all part of God's plan for me, i didn't know sharing would ever have this effect on me. i spent the greater part of my life with the warped mentality (now i can look back and deem it warped) that i can deal with things by myself, and that if i don't talk about things they'll just disappear and leave me alone. i have been proved wrong on both counts, and it's thanks to the people i shared with over the weekend.

Chelsa my darling pal whom i love so so so so so much, you've made me see things in a different light and i'm so grateful you haven't given up on me and just screamed at me when you could have, so easily. and i'm sorry too, i didn't mean to. you know what i mean, so i needn't publicise. but what you said at the MRT station on Sunday really touched me when i got home and reflected on the day and i think what essentially happened was that my own hard heart got softened.

ohhhh i have so much more to say but i need to go clean up my room now. spent most of last night clearing out my cupboard, chucking out all my old clothes. filled up 5 bags full of unwanted clothes! it hit me then that i really have A LOT of clothes. mom says i have to stop buying new things. notice i say "mom says", and not "i think". i like shopping too much.

it hasn't been an easy year, the last 12 months. but i've never gone through so much in my entire life before and i daresay it's all made me grow up more than i would have if i stayed in my own protected, comfy world.

God's Promise
God didn't promise
days without pain,
laughter without sorrow
or sun without rain,
But God did promise
strength for the day,
comfort for the tears
and a light for the way.
And for all who believe
in His kingdom above
He answers their faith
with everlasting love.

funny how i found this on a little sign like thing to hang up on my table suddenly midway as i was typing this post. it's always been there, i just never paid attention to it. i'd always been looking at the mess on my table, the books, stationery, papers and jewellery strewn about everywhere.

just like how God's always been there, i just never paid attention to Him. i'd always been looking at the mess in my heart, the hurts i don't wanna give up, the pride and refusal to look beyond me, the memories i keep replaying in my head.

parallels among this world and that of God abound. sometimes you just gotta take a closer look at the messy picture.

2006-12-30T04:18:00.000+08:00

it's really not that i don't wanna share with you, my dear.
i can't.
either there's nothing to say, or it's all been said before, or i have no words.

none at all for everything inside. which makes things harder for me cos i'm used to being able to put names to every single colour of the rainbow, words for every type of feeling a human could feel. and yet no words for the feelings inside.

and how could i burden you with what's on my mind when you've already got so much on yours? i couldn't, i just couldn't. i'd rather keep it all to myself than give you more to think about than you already do.

don't get me wrong, i'm no self-sacrificing saint. far from that. it's just simple concern for people dear to me and that's all to it.

sometimes i wanna pick up the phone and call so many different people, all for different reasons. unfortunately, talking doesn't solve the world's problems and no matter how blunt and straightforward i am, i can't bring myself to dial some numbers and just spill what's on my mind.

i'm expected to be all right, i'm expected to bounce back quickly.
fine, good that you all think that way. good that i think that way of me too.
i'm a rubber ball. i bounce back no matter how hard you throw me.

no matter how mean you are to me, i will bounce back. no matter how much you dislike me, i'll bounce back too. even if the world collapses around me, i'll still bounce back twice as hard because that's the way i was made.
but what if one day, i stop bouncing back? what if one day you say something mean to me and i just burst into tears there and then cos there's no other reaction left except to give in to the sting of the meanness? what if one day the world crumbles around me and i fall to pieces too? what if one day someone throws me far far away and i never bounce back cos i got stuck on a thorn and the air all escaped and i can't bounce back even if i wanted to?

much too much to think about these days, and yet nothing really, when you think about it. (hah no pun intended)

i'm still inclined to tears rolling down my cheek whenever i think about certain things so i don't think all is rosy yet in the oil landscape of Kelly's emotions.

you know, don't care from afar. if you care for someone, show it. tell it. do it. don't just observe from far away and expect that person to know that you care. we're not psychic, as much as we like to claim sometimes that we are.
if you want to know something, ask it. that's my policy. i just fire away first and apologise later. but that usually gets me right to my point and i don't waste time beating round the bush talking about everything but whatever's important. if you wanna know about stuff i've blogged about, ask me. i won't bite. i just don't tell you because i don't want to waste your time with my little problems that i probably could have dealed with myself without having to ask for help. it's not that i don't want to share with you what's going on, really. i just subscribe to the policy that if you care, you'll ask me. i do that to those i care about, so i don't see why you should wait for me to tell you about me. i just don't do that to anyone. i suppose it's cos of the way i do things, that's why i see this whole thing about sharing in such a different light.

nothing personal, really. promise. just a general rant.

aites time to sleep. hair appointment tomorrow morning.

They pull up their chairs to the table
She stares at the food on her plate
At the toast and the butter
Her father, her mother, she pushes away

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

She gets home from school too early
And closes the door to her room
There's nothing inside her
She's weak and she's tired of feeling like this

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason
She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves
And her mother is starting to see through her lies
And last night her father had tears in his eyes

And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
And we rise in the morning
And we sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart

*She's Falling Apart//Lisa Loeb

2006-12-29T18:07:00.000+08:00

one day, i'll sing this to someone.
until then, it remains a bathroom Top10 hit.

When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you, endlessly
And when you're mad cos you lost a game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby, I love you,
I love you anyway
Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie, it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you a little more each time
And when you can't quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you, more than you'll know
And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway
Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
That's when I love you
When nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
No matter what

*That's When I Love You//Aslyn

2006-12-29T02:34:00.000+08:00

my head hurts like crap. i think i drank too quickly just now. and i feel so shitty now.

drinking doesn't take your troubles away. actually i suspect that drinking magnifies your problems and makes you feel even lower than you were before cos it strips yourself of the barriers you've put up even to yourself and bares everything that you've been trying to surpress.

i think i'm alright. i thought i was, anyway. i thought i was dealing with everything fine, more than fine, actually. i thought i was doing a good job with living my life and not letting the things that hurt me get to me. but now i suspect not.

why's it that we can deceive everyone that we're alright, even ourselves? deception is not good. definitely. but i didn't even realise i was deceiving people until recently when i realised i've been deceiving myself about my mental and emotional state. i'd managed to convince myself that all was well in my life for a while, and actually i still would like to believe so and that tonight was just a blip on my recovery-meter. but i dunno.

argh why can't i just live in some idyllic spot alone with my pets and roses with my pal and Trina and just stay away everything else bad in the world?

it's not that i wanna hide things from people. i just don't open myself up anymore because i'm being cautious and i don't wanna slip and fall just as i think i'm on the road to recovery. but as a result, people end up thinking i'm cold and unfeeling and not-so-nice, but i can't help it. sometimes i wonder if i'm really that cold and unfeeling or if it's just a front i put up to protect myself. when all the people you like all don't like you, you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you or what. one can't be that luckless right.

but then again, maybe i just am plain silly. cos i mean, lots of relationships begin with both sides not necessarily feeling as strongly for the other. there're so many billion people in the world, what are the chances that you'll end up with someone who you like who likes you at first glance too? things usually begin when the person who likes the other makes a move and the other person is willing to give the relationship a try. i dunno if i could do that, though. i dunno if i could be with someone who likes me more than i like him.

okay that does it. i am not ready to get into any relationship right now. i still have issues to settle with myself and i don't know how long that'll take, really. i'm trying to make things normal for me again, but you just can't force things. you can't force conversations, you can't force friendships.

maybe one day, some months later or perhaps twenty, thirty years later, i'll know why everything happened because i'd like to think things don't happen for no reason. perhaps one day i'll be able to look back and really just laugh my eyeballs out over everything cos i was being such a silly goose about everything. i really didn't think i'd be affected even until now, really. i honestly honestly thought i was perfectly fine but argh i dunno why things i thought i'd chucked out of the window are resurfacing in me again. frustrating.

and i know people read this blog but i honestly couldn't care less anymore because i am too lazy to shift addresses. i think deep down inside i wanna tell people things, but i don't want to talk because i don't wanna appear vulnerable, so i use this blog as an avenue to tell people what's on my mind. i am such a complicated creature i don't know what i'm thinking sometimes.

and sometimes there's so much to say but there and then when you're looking at the teacup, all the words just evaporate and you're left with fluff in your brain. other times there's just nothing to say at all because words aren't enough to describe what you're thinking, it's just a whirl of emotions raging in your heart and nothing you say would come close to what you feel so you just don't say anything at all. so you rack your head for the words but by the time you do, you turn around and find that you're alone again, alone with the emotional hurricane in your head and no one to turn to.

omg i dunno why i'm being so emo, seriously.

on the way back just now, dad asked me why i was so upset and i told him everything in summary, to my horror and relief. horror because i'd never imagined i'd tell my parents about anything that's happened, about me liking blahblah and feeling so ugh now cos i've erected walls that i can't tear down overnight, about my feeling of uselessness in the core all the time that's eating at me cos i know i can do so much more but i dunno what's holding me back. and dad just looked so sad and held my hand and said that things will be alright in the end. and i felt so sad cos dad looked so sad, somewhat helpless at taking away his daughter's pain, and i wanted to die cos i felt like such a bad daughter. i shouldn't be making my dad feel worse, shouldn't be making him feel guilty about his inability to make things right for me again, shouldn't be burdening him anymore cos he's got enough on his plate now with the family threatening to crumble around us again. so i just told him i'm alright now after talking and forced a smile out. but you have no idea how gutted i was inside. shit i'm crying bucketloads now and i don't even know why exactly, really.

okay gotta pull myself together. full day tomorrow with two meetings and i need to get my act together, seriously. i thought i'd lost my sense of feelings but i think i just numbed them temporarily to get back on my feet again to face the world the best i could. i feel sicker than last night now, i think the emotional turmoil added on to my physical unwellness and i just feel super sick all over now.

i wish for a place, where the earth doesn't shake
and if the earth won't be still

then you and i will.

:(

2006-12-28T02:55:00.000+08:00

i got my results today: 3.2!

A for MNO, B for film, B- for IT (surprisingly), C+ for stats (no surprise there) and C for econs (even lesser of a surprise). ran all around stupid NUS today to do the admin for my transfer from biz to arts. sucha pain in the ass, i tell you. so troublesome, inefficient and a terrible waste of time.

on one hand, i think my results are disgusting. i mean, a 3.2 is essentially a B- overall i think. two Cs are unacceptable, even if i knew i was changing courses. but on the other hand, i'm grateful for what i got cos i could've gotten so much worse results.

i think i'm falling sick. again. bloody hell. i feel terrible from top to toe, headaches, nausea, stomachaches, a sore throat, sniffles, UGH.

i am SO TIRED. i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm frightened because i don't know what the hell i'm doing and i don't know where everything's heading and sigh, i just wish for nothing. is it even possible to get into a relationship that you don't really want, firstly, and where the feelings aren't mutually strong for each other? i do not want to find out. i'm sick to my stomach and i just want to hide away at home away from prying eyes and expectations. confused, as usual. and so scared, for some reason. this feels wrong, i shouldn't be scared. but i'm so scarred and bruised from past failed experiences that i already carry with me the sad mentality that no relationship is ever gonna turn out right for me. that something's gonna go wrong somewhere along the line, that i'll ruin everything with my impulsiveness and my bluntness, that i'll cry ever again.

i remember one of the YES camps, Br Broughton gave a session about love. and he said something then that i never thought would strike a chord with me. he said that if we're afraid of getting hurt again and thus close our hearts off to love and other such vulnerabilities, we're short-changing ourselves cos we aren't living life to the fullest as we were meant to.

i don't want to shut myself off to my feelings for fear of being hurt, and yet i fear i'm doing just that now. i'm so tired, so lost, so scared, so bloody tired. i want to do so much and yet i just can't seem to put things into action. i think it's a matter of heart vs head, and i've since learnt to shut my heart off to decisions, cos more often than not, decisions made with the heart end up with deep feelings of hurt and pain after all's been said and done.

screw this all. i sound so cynical and bitter, as if i've been through one failed relationship after the other. ironically, i haven't even been through one failed relationship, so i don't know where all this cynicism came from. arghhh.

sometimes i really feel like just flying away to a nice elsewhere, where everyone doesn't know who the heck i am and they don't give two hoots about whether i'm behaving right or not. running away won't solve anything but i'm so tired i just need things to stop, if only for just a little while.

ohh and cousins' dinner tonight at Billy Bomber's at Marina Square. met up with the other cousins too, Marcus, Deborah and Jerome, and the usual gang: kor, Christian, Abriel, Kathy and Gillian. was delish and absolutely hilarious cos we ordered one of every one of the main courses on the menu and buttered mussels! so much food! the guys at the table did us proud as usual by finishing up almost all the food. welldone boys! :) haha.
then headed to Marcus's place to play several rounds of Gin Rummy and bridge. laughed so damn hard while we were playing and almost split my sides laughing.

crapppp i'm feeling really sick now. i wanted to stay up some more to read or whatever, but looks like i'll have to give in to my tiredness and hit the sack.

I NEED HELP.

2006-12-26T03:33:00.000+08:00

i'll never understand the human heart. never.

seeing someone so dear to you suffer so much from internal conflicts you could never soothe is one of the hardest things to do. you know the agony, you know the hurt, you just don't know how to take it away.

Christmas is a season to love and find peace, yes?

not all in the world is loving and at peace. you'd be surprised at how unpeaceful some seemingly peaceful people are. on the contrary, you might also be surprised at how peaceful some seemingly perpetually disgruntled people are. nothing's ever what they seem, sometimes i wish i had the right 3D glasses to see beyond the deceptively flat surface and the see the much richer and deeper picture behind.

blahblahblahblah. i talk too much.

i should sleep. and i feel cramps setting in. boo to the female reproductive system. i wish i were a male. that'd solve more than one problem at one go cos if i were an XY instead of an XX, i'd be one of 'em and therefore couldn't possibly have any issues with any single one member of the XY species.

*****

Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earheart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Oh, someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninety-seventh time tonight.

Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you.

Someday we'll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you,
Opened up your world

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
Watched the stars crash in the sea
If I can ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me tonight?

Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you
Someday we'll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
- that I was the one for you.

*Someday We'll Know//Mandy Moore

2006-12-24T01:49:00.000+08:00

several things have been happening!

bad highlight of the day:
i scratched my dad's car today. yes, on the very first time he let me take it out for a spin, too. and ironically, i scratched it while i was trying to park at home. and yes, you saw it right. at home. how suay is that man. dad was hopping mad when he saw the damage and chewed my ear off pretty darn bad. yelled and yelled and yelled for the longest time ever, and i don't blame him one bit. it was completely my bad and he has every right to be so mad at me. i mean, the repainting job's gonna cost a few hundred bucks. argh i think car spray painters are con-artists. how does a touch-up job even cost close to a hundred bucks? if i had my way i'd spray the scratched bit myself to save him the money but i think he doesn't want me to make the car look like some kid sprayed graffiti all over. looks like i won't be touching the car again for a long long time after this. :( ohwell. i am really sorry, dad.

highlight of the week:
similar to the above! except that you know, minus the scratching bit and all, it was pretty exhilirating having the freedom to go anywhere i want without having to take (yucks) public transport. don't get me wrong, i'm no snob. but i value my comfort and time so much that public transport is something i try my hardest to avoid with a vengance.

what else did i do today? had a family bbq and met up with the Cousins again! played soccer with some of the kids after dinner and huffed and puffed my way around the court after a lousy 10min. my kid cousin had the cheek to ask me how come i was so lousy if i was in soccer. heh. then we headed back to my place and played several rounds of Gin Rummy, our favourite Ang game. i suddenly feel so blessed this Christmas by my family. i dunno why i'm suddenly being so sentimental about this all, but i thought about it and realised how blessed we are to have each other as cousins, to share all the laughs with and tears and complaints with (i was uber remorseful about my dad's car throughout the bbq).

the car-scratch incident today made me think about how my dad loves me so much that he forgives me so freely, even when number one, it's so obviously my fault, and number two, even when what i've done has upset him so much. as long as i'm willing to admit that i've been in the wrong and i come back to him not with defiance but with remorse, he'll forgive me with a big hug. and i think God's like that too, isn't He? only on a greater scale because His love for us is limitless and He's like that for ALL of us. when i do something that's wrong and hurtful to God, He still forgives me when i've come to my senses and i'm sorry. and my dad, like my Heavenly Father, even feels bad for scolding me so badly when he was caught up in his anger and apologises. God felt bad that He destroyed the world with the flood and promised Noah never to do something so destructive ever again, sending a rainbow across the sky as a sign of that promise. i can't believe i never saw God's ability to forgive in such a light before. it just shows that it takes daily incidents in my life for God's goodness to be revealed to me.

i've been so caught up with the actual doing of things for Christmas this year that upon reflecting on it all while i was in the shower just now with the hot water running, i feel a lot like A Martha. Martha, as in the Martha in the Mary and Martha in the Bible. she was so absorbed in getting everything right in the material, practical sense that she failed to just sit at the feet of Jesus and enjoy His company. similarly, i feel like i'm missing the meaning behind all the gift-buying and card-writing. Christmas is essentially a season of love. so am i getting the essence of Christmas right? i wasn't, i think. but after realising it, i've been able to realign myself and my thoughts and i think it's better now. as in, i know why i'm writing cards to people, i wanna tell them that they're much loved by God and hence, loved by me too. same goes for the gifts.

some cards are harder to write than others, though. not that i don't have anything to say, but the hardest cards to write are those to whom i have a gazillion things to say but i just don't know how to say it, or how to even start. i am called to love everyone, even those who don't love me. but so damn hard! really! i'm no saint, but i try so hard and i hope and hope the trying'll pay off.

i am completely tired.

oh and on a side-note, i'll be extracting my wisdom teeth soon! yay, finally! on the 5th of Jan, just before school begins! i'm quite excited cos i've been wanting to remove them since like, forever. on the other hand, i know it's quite silly, but i'm slightly scared cos what if i don't wake up from the anaesthetic? going under GA isn't exactly the funnest thing. or what if i lose my sense of taste or feeling in my mouth cos my surgeon told me that there's that risk involved? methinks these worries are rather unfounded, but sigh i dunno. nevermind! shouldn't think about all these now!

Christmas is coming soon! i am getting excited!

i think i shall play a game of Spider Solitaire in its medium mode with two suits and a bit of Sims2 before i plop on my bed and am lost to the world. been starting to keep up with daily QT again recently. my spiritual diary's filled with a lot of ramblings and questions that pop up as i read the Bible or just pray in the quiet of my room. it's better than an empty diary i think, heh.

toodles, world!

2006-12-20T15:42:00.000+08:00

going for penitential service last night at SVDP stirred up several thoughts in my head. seeing the little kids go for their confessions made me remember my own confessions of yesteryear. back when the sins of the child were still the petty little wrongs and not the heavy burdens of unforgiveness or anger. a child is like a blank slate, but after a while even chalkboards don't clean off as well as they used to when they were brand new. the coloured chalk starts to leave their chalkmarks on the board and the dust settles there, for good it seems. children are like that, the blemishes and hurts initially can be dusted away, but after prolonged writing, the chalk won't clean off as cleanly and the board's perpetually marked with the faint writings of before. i'd do anything to throw my cares to the wind and leave them all behind, i don't want to carry around unnecessary bags of rubbish. if i knew how to, i'd do that in a jiffy and live each day without excess memories cluttering up my life. i think memories ought to be locked up and the key thrown away and the box stuffed under some dark bed because their ghosts haunt me ever so often and leave me feeling so lost.

it's no use lamenting about how i want to be a child again, i know, but i wish childhood didn't slip by me so quickly, leaving me in this semi-grownup, semi-girlhood state. i'm neither little girl still nor woman yet, so what does that make me? somedays i wake up and think i'm an adult and that i can face an adult world with all it's troubles fearlessly, but other days i wake up and just want my mom or dad to take me in their arms again and kiss my tears away and tell me everything's going to be okay and for me to actually believe it when they say that things are gonna be fine.

i found this poem in a book i borrowed from the library last week when dad was on leave.

from I Remember

I remember, I remember,
The fir trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky:
It was a childish ignorance,
But now 'tis little joy
To know I'm farther off from heav'n
Than when I was a boy.

THOMAS HOOD

2006-12-20T03:01:00.000+08:00

I'm searching
For you, always.
Whisper a love song
And listen
- always nothing.
I look deep inside
And wonder if it's me
Too dusty, perhaps?
The broken pieces of china;
glue them back, please.
the rain outside my window
morse code from above
still I search for you,
my God.

Kelly Marie Ang

2006-12-19T23:27:00.000+08:00

bloody hell blogger wiped out my post.

too fed up to blog again.

2006-12-19T03:04:00.000+08:00

we all make mistakes. everyone. i may make wrong choices half my life but when i do realise it i'll work my ass off the other half of my life trying to make some of the wrong right. i'm tired of everything. i know, i say that like all the time. but i truly am.

what could possibly make a 19 year old girl so tired right?

a lot of things can, amazingly. waking up at 645 every morning to go to hall to do rubbish surprisingly takes a lot out of me. coming back home and having to wonder whether my mother's gonna actually come back tonight also drains me. i wonder why. dealing with weird questions in my head just fricking kills me too. sometimes i just want to yell SHUT UP, KELLY.

i'm dealing with a lot now, so please don't give up on me. i'm trying to work things out slowly, so give me time. i'm trying not to crack and give in to wallowing in self-pity, so give me some love. i'm trying, period.

as i mentioned in a few posts before this, it's so hard to care for someone who doesn't seem to want to be cared for. when someone thinks you're the absolutely most annoying little mosquito on earth, what are you to do? even when you want to try to be nice, heshe just keeps swatting you away again and again, and in the end all that's left is frustration.

i ask myself, what would Jesus do? and more often than not, i come up with the undeniable answer that Jesus would love those that're hard to love. i mean, it's chicken feet to love and be nice to someone who's already nice to you because heshe loves you. but not anyone can love someone who's not quite as nice to you, and i'm being challenged to do that, i think.

if i had my way, i'd chuck all emotions out of the window and live perfectly cold and unfeeling for the rest of my life. it's so much easier in the long run. you don't have to feel so desperately crushed when your mother tells you "i don't live there anymore" and cry when you realise she isn't kidding one bit. you don't have to pretend things don't hurt at all when they do because you're supposed to be fine in all respects. sometimes hurts don't heal completely and when you realise it, it becomes all the more painful. i think i adopted temporary amnesia as a form of suppression mechanism because i forced myself to forget and just shoved all thoughts pertaining to whatever out of my head and filled my heads with other thoughts and made myself feel for other things.

i do not really make sense anymore, i think. oftentime, i know exactly what i want and i can even envision it in my mind. but i have so much trouble knowing even very faintly what to do, and it's no exception this time. i know what i wanna achieve but i have no clue as to what i have to do to get there.

i am more sad now than i have been in a long time. and yet, i'm glad i'm sad because this has made me rethink a lot of things and as a result, has driven me to want to refind God again somewhere in my heart. i know He's in there somewhere, i just misplaced His number and i need to search through my pockets to find the scrap of paper with it. and through this all i am still trying to come to terms with the fact that God loves me even though i'm so bloody imperfect and so so so flawed.

you see the depths of my heart
and you love me the same.

i must find it in me somewhere to love myself fully. i must find it in me somewhere to swallow my pride and just try to make things right, although i wonder how right they ever could be given circumstances. i must find it in me somewhere to throw away my hooded sweater so that i can face the world without my face covered because hey, i've got nothing to be ashamed of right? i think i'm more mortified at what had happened not too long ago sometime in June or July because i don't want anyone to see how plain stupid i was, and also i don't want me to see how dumb i was. i don't ever want to be so weak ever again, never want to have to take a deep breath and jump into the ice cold water again without a life jacket in sight, knowing the life jacket'll only be thrown to me when i've spent 2 hours in the icy water flailing about and wishing i was dead. i don't want anyone to see how vulnerable i can be, how pathetically idealistic and overly optimistic/pessimistic and deluded, ever. and yet, how ironic that i do the same things over and over. but i will learn, i hope. i'm revealing less and less of that side of me as i go along.

alright, i know in my head this is fundamentally wrong, because we ought not to hide who we really are. i wouldn't want to meet a put on front of any of my friends, that's for sure. i think perhaps this will be temporary? sometimes putting things in words make things sound more stupid then they really are. sometimes hearing stuff that's happened in the past from someone else's lips makes me want to curl up and die from mortification. but i need to learn to embrace that side of me as well, because as much as i'd like to pretend i never was so shitass dumb, i can't deny i was ever like that. God loves me, silliness and all. i don't, ironically. i want to be able to look back at the past with a smile on my face instead of with a oh-shit-not-again attitude.

blahhhh what a useless post. in all honesty, i dunno what's in my head and heart right now. i think the best representation of it would be this:

HSHKLDNO:HEWINDKLSNDOISHDISNDKLSN DE)H@)(U#()@HE NJXB*(YE*HESIONSXKSNBCX*DHDISNCXKSNCXNK)(YU)(EWYUWBDUIJSBNCXKXNIHSDHDISHADIOSNKZNXCKNXKLNZNCCLKNXKL()qwu

a total and complete mess of jumbled up characters and letters.

smu meeting tmr at 10. i feel like yelling screw it all and just try to put my life in order again. it takes two hands to clap though, and if i'm the only hand clapping nothing'll work.

oh and i know this is completely off tangent, but it's been raining the the entire evening and i'm so happy cos it reflects my mood. driving in the rain is fricking scary cos you don't see anything beyond a metre of your car and you have to crawl on the road at 40km/h and you can't see the markings on the road so you wonder whether you're on someone else's lane. no joke okay.

strike up the band let it play
love songs to haunt me
and i will stay
but when it comes to the waltz
both words and music will ring false
but you waltzed in and spun my world
you led me round in dizzy swirl
and suddenly you waltzed away from me
those violins they must go
some old careless hand with a bow
they play on the strings of my heart
and make me remember
how lovers part.
*the waltz//silje nergaard

2006-12-06T12:21:00.000+08:00

exams have been over since Monday! and i've been watching ANTM on youtube, playing Sims and going out since then. what a life man. i'm going to vivo in a while to shop some more. and i've been to vivo 3 times since last week already. i think it's time for a change of scenery. haha.

now that i'm so free i feel slightly lost! too much time on my hands. but it's so damn wrong to not know what to do with my time! i've been dreaming of the time after the exams ever since school began, and now that it's here i dunno what to do? no way man!

i know what i'm afraid of now. i have a commitment problem. everytime i get to close to getting into a relationship, i get cold feet and start to act funny. i either become super hot or super cold. and the almost-relationship just fizzles out. i'm terrified of commitment subconsciously i think. i hate to be answerable to ANYONE other than myself, hate having to go out every weekend cos that's what couples do, hate having to talk to him everynight or reply messages. underneath all the 'i hate this' pronouncements, i think i do it all cos i want to. but it's so tiring. i don't think i'll ever be ready for a relationship. flirting and dating's fine, no strings attached. the vulnerability that comes with being with someone is something i'd rather never have to face up to. imagine, your entire emotion-universe becomes ruled by that one person. when he makes you happy, you are happy, period. when he upsets you, you're completely upset and you need your girlfriends to help drag you back up. like hello, what happened to independence?

i used to hate it when people put up false strong fronts. especially when close friends do that. i'd think like, i know you're hurt, i can see you're upset - stop trying to hide it and admit it so i can comfort you!
but now i know. maybe you don't want comfort. maybe you don't need my sympathy and all you need is for me to recognise that you're upset and you're pretending that everything's alright. that you appear strong exteriorly to everyone else except me, and that vulnerability need not come to light. maybe, just maybe i'm like that too now. everything's fine and dandy now, but it wasn't, but i don't want you to know. i've been hurt, i've been crushed so bad, but i don't wanna dredge it all up to the surface of my consciousness again so all i say is, "i'm glad it's over. i can't stop thanking God everyday i'm me still." to smooth over the rough memories.

i recognised that what i did then was no different from what i hated. when you look at it this way, it does seem rather hypocritical.

it's ironic how after countless hisses of ihateyous into the mirror, all i can do now is smile and say it's all fine now. it's not hypocritical. it's really all fine now. i think the ihateyous got purged out of my system and all that's left is this. sometimes you practice a lifetime for one performance you've lived your life to give, and when that time comes, you do all the steps completely opposite from what you practiced. it happens.

vivo in a while! i shall go doll myself up now. i've decided that perhaps i wanna be a model.

2006-11-30T00:35:00.000+08:00

i always have these "omg, i love mno" moments whenever i do my readings. (okay Yisi, i know you're gonna think i belong in the loony bin right about now.)

good questions never die. it is only our attention that dies to them... good questions expand flirtatiously along the boundaries and surfaces of the present. we can only work, love, and question in the present. can we remain present to the present, even as our hearts remember the past, our minds roam the future, and our bodies fall toward sleep?

this pretty much encapsulates what i feel about my questioning mind. sometimes i want to knock myself out silly because my mind's so bloody active, too lively even as it hides behind a pair of perpetually sleepy eyes on my face.

i've never found answers to the big questions in my life. i've always tussled with them for a while, chewed on the ends, and then toss it aside when a new question-love grows. but the questions never died, it was just my interest that was lost.

OKAY BACK TO MNO.
I NEED SOME DISCIPLINE, DAMMIT.

2006-11-29T19:26:00.000+08:00

one bad paper allows one to scream and yell in expletives one would never otherwise use in one's staid and boring life. one bad paper calls for the drowning of one's sorrows in sweet, sinful things and the incessant whining and declarations that the world is going to end.

a second consecutive bad paper just doesn't warrant any of that anymore. the world isn't gonna end, no more expletives left to throw out on whim.

just.. a sinking feeling that one is going to fail the semester because 3 A+s aren't gonna save one's sorry ass, IF an A+ was even in one's grasp in the first place.

today's bus conversation with Dee, Yisi and Chels was quite thought provoking.
do i believe in my one and only soulmate?
i think once upon a deluded time, i did. and i would like to. but then how would it even be remotely possible to find the One And Only For Me in Singapore, tiny little Singapore barely even a hundredth of the global population? therefore i say, perhaps my One and Only is a hot dude in some unpronouncable country, just that he's pretty much undiscovered to me for now.
and then i thought, what if i lived out my life thinking i was gonna eventually find someone right for me to spend the rest of my life with, only to realise at 30 that it's probably never gonna happen? what does one do when one realises something as life-altering as that? does one decide to enter the life of a religious sister? or does one take to travelling the world because after all, the world is my oyster and i am its pearl. does one turn to dating websites in a desperate effort to try to ditch one's undesirable 'left on the shelf' status?

loneliness is a scary concept that i probably wouldn't be able to deal with, for all my self-sufficiency and need for alone time. if i had so much alone time on my hands, i'd be wanting to convert some of it to time with someone else.

anyway. am reading Man and Boy by Tony Parsons now. funny how i started reading again when the exams began. i think i wasted a lot of my sem away, whiling my time away doing totally not productive things. i should've been reading, dammit. at least if i don't have a wonderful rosy love life in real life, i could've been cooing over someone else's wonderful rosy love life among the pages of my paperbacks.
and a thought occured to me as i was in bed reading this afternoon.
people sound so much sexier and nicer on print. the descriptives of ordinary female characters in books always make them sound like gorgeouser-than-thou goddesses or starlets.

brown hair is never just brown; it's chocolate silk.
black hair isn't ever just black; it's jet black and midnight sky.
blue eyes aren't ever just blue; they're tiffany blue, just like his mother's.
and nice skin isn't ever just nice; it's pearly, translucent and white milk.

like hello. i'd love to be described in a book, just for once. i wonder how the author would beautify me into someone completely dreamy and unrecognisable.

2006-11-28T22:10:00.000+08:00

OMG econs paper just now was shitass difficult. i can't even talk about it in terms of doing well, it's how bad i'll fail, that's all.

bloody hell, spent so much time studying econs the last weekend too. all the questions were somewhat like the homework questions. i should've just copied the solutions right over, i would've aced the exam. and i spent the better part of yesterday on my back at home with the worst bout of cramps i'd had in a long time. nearly fainted cos it was so damn painful, i felt like i was gonna give birth or something. i could count the contractions and the intervals in between the intermittent super painful contractions. i frightened myself when i looked into the mirror, my lips were completely white and i was breaking out in cold sweat. and i felt so faint, it was scary. so i spent the whole day in my mom's room with the curtains drawn and a blanket up to my chin, wanting to cry but not wanting to even though i was all alone and no one was gonna see me bawl. but i knew if i did, i'd not stop for a long time, so i just bit my lip, clamped my eyes shut and tried to sleep. bad day yesterday, really. haven't felt so horrible in such a long time.

frick lah, now i don't even know what to do. the paper was the horriblest ever i've done, nothing even comes close. the 6 of us who found it not-quite-easy - Chels, Yisi, Mel, Dee and Rachel - went to Munchy Monkey for dinner to drown our sorrows in chocolate sauce and creamy pasta.

stats tomorrow and i haven't gotten my cheatsheet out yet. argh screw this sem and December just hurry up and come. by the time 6pm had come, i was ready to throw up my hands and just leave hopeless as it was, cos i couldn't do the paper at all. a million other thoughts were zipping through my head at breakneck speed, like what kind of tai tai i was gonna become and what i was gonna eat for dinner.

lucky dinner was good, back to stats.

2006-11-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

i am a sentimentalist.

i was looking at my pencil case today and realised i still have this stuck there:

even though it's been don't know how many gazillion years since i really spoke to Cheryl. i can't bring myself to take them off even now cos i remember how much i loved her when she was a part of my life. and so i just leave all the stickers there even though now when i look at them i think i should take them out to not remember and be upset.

i do wish i could talk to her again sometimes. but then i wonder to myself, what's the point in trying? since she thinks i don't care anyway, and whatever i say will be construed as not being sincere anyway. it is tiring, having to keep talking when someone else is so cold and angry at you. once upon a time i think i would have burst into tears. i still think i could, out of frustration, but as it is i have no energy to do anything about anything anymore. perhaps next time.

2006-11-25T21:29:00.000+08:00

i could construct a hypothesis test for just about anything now, really.
that's what doing stats the whole day does to you. null hypothesis, alternative hypothesis, i could even tell you whether i'll pass my stats exam.

H0: expected value = Kelly passes her exams.
H1: expected value NOT = Kelly passes her exams.

i should reject H0 and favour the alternative, H1.

and more ANTM episodes again today. if only i had the same commitment towards my work that i have towards finishing up cycle 1 of ANTM on youtube. i'd be such a genius. i even finished reading Interview With A Vampire for the don't know how many-th time. so many things to do OTHER than studying. i can't decide if this indifference is cos i've given up or cos i'm confident i know my stuff. i feel inclined to favour the former.

i am becoming a statistician. but really, statisticians are so annoying. why bother to construct a test hypothesis when you can just call the plant/whatever up and ask straight whether the expected value has been, well, true. but i fear i am becoming a statistician. i am starting to talk like one, for sure.

2006-11-25T00:08:00.000+08:00

I am thankful for the wife who says, "Hot dogs for supper!"
Because she is home with me, not someone else.

I am thankful for the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato
Because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

I am thankful for the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes
Because she is at home and not out on the streets.

I am thankful for the taxes I pay
Because it means I am employed.

I am thankful for the mess to clean after a party
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

I am thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug
Because it means I have enough to eat.

I am thankful for my shadow that watches me work
Because it means I am out in the sunshine.

I am thankful for a lawn to mow, windows to clean and gutters to fix
Because it means I have a home.

I am thankful for the complaining I hear about the government
Because it means we have freedom of speech.

I am thankful for the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
Because it means I am able to walk and I have been blessed with transportation.

I am thankful for my huge heating bill
Because it means I am warm.

I am thankful for the pile of laundry and ironing
Because it means I have clothes to wear.

I am thankful for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day
Because it means I have been able to work.

I am thankful for the alarm that rings early in the morning hours
Because it means I am alive.

got this in the mail from Trina.

i think it's a good reminder of the things i ought to be grateful for in life, really. cos i'm a hugeeeee whiner and complainer, sometimes i just don't appreciate what i have. so much i ought to be thankful for, but sometimes i'm too caught up in my own self-wrought complications that i lose sight of what's important and all i am blessed with.

2006-11-23T23:13:00.000+08:00

diediediediediediediedie

:(

i can't go on anymoreeeeeeeeee. i have zero motivation to study since i know i'm switching courses next sem anyway, and mno is requiring every ounce of my patience. there is so damn much to read, i doubt i can remember anything anyway even if i did manage to finish all my readings. blardeeee hell.

i have started watching ANTM cycle 1 on youtube already. this shows how much my studying has degenerated because under perfectly normal circumstances, i'd be interested in my mno readings.

i state this case as an example. when i was reading my mno text in the library yesterday, i was particularly motivated to continue reading on cos something i read just made so much sense to me. like, it explained why i and people in general behave in a certain manner.

i quote:
fundamental attribution error: The tendency to attribute the behaviour of other people more to internal than to external factors,
and
self-serving bias: A perceptual error whereby people attribute their favourable outcomes to internal factors and their failures to external factors.

internal factors being the person's own abilities (or lack of) and inclinations, and external factors being environmental or situational in nature.

doesn't it make so much sense? i mean, how many of us blame ourselves when something goes wrong? it's usually like, "it's all because of the rain" or "that idiotic guy made everything go wrong". and when something goes right for us, we'll be like, "yeah, i did work hard for it after all" etcetcetc. and when someone does something wrong, the usual response that comes out of our lips resemble something like "sheesh, he/she's always been such a klutz".

it makes perfect sense, so i don't think it's only applicable to organizational behaviour, actually. (ahaha the title of my mno text) if you ask me, these theories are all quite perfectly relevant and applicable to other aspects of our lives, and more importantly, the day-to-day aspect of our behavioural patterns and the like.

watching ANTM made me realise something. yes, bimbotic shows do teach things sometimes. :D
this contestant Robin who was a staunch Christian was 'worried' about her fellow contestant Elyse because this Elyse girl was an atheist. Robin was worried for her cos she believed that she'd go to hell, not believing in God. so one morning when Robin was doing her quiet time and reading her bible, she came upon this verse that went along the lines of 'foolish is the man who doesn't believe in God'. so thinking she could help 'save' Elyse's soul or something, she called Elyse over and showed her the quote. which didn't leave Elyse feeling any more 'saved' or happy, actually.

bottomline is, many a time we do things out of good will that is misinterpreted by others. also, sometimes what we do out of good will may not be executed in the right way. it was so clearly evident to me when i was watching that episode on youtube and i was like, wow, ANTM teaches me stuff.

okay so i don't wax lyrical about the educational benefits of ANTM because honey, in all reality there aren't any concrete ones. but it's a good destresser for me, and hey, it works. i'm not complaining. :P study session in the library tomorrow. i am debating whether or not to bring my laptop with me. on one hand, it'll allow me much-coveted study breaks in the form of more episodes of ANTM. on the other hand, the much-coveted study breaks may not be such a good idea after all cos I SHOULD BE DEVOTING ALL MY TIME TO STUDYING, DAMMIT.

or trying to study, at least, even if i'm not actually studying. 4 more days till the start of it all. the start of the end! cannot wait.

2006-11-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

when i don't wanan start on my work, the frequency of my blogging increases. astronomically.

i do not want to study at all.

my productivity level is subzero. i've decided to come home to see if my productivity will increase miraculously or anything.
but. not happening. i am watching Project Runway now and am loading the finale of last season's ANTM on youtube. sighhhh.

and i am hungry! strange, considering the fact that i haven't studied at all the whole day. slept on the couch, yes. watch tv, yes. study, no.

aaahhhhhh. i want to flop and die!

2006-11-22T01:06:00.000+08:00

i was so unproductive today, it's amazing. i didn't know hours could just whizz by like that while i'm trying to do stats in the library. i still have the sniffles and the stuck nose. i think it's not gonna leave me until i have time enough to catch more shut-eye after the exams.

dad's gonna be on leave tomorrow. i wanna go home so bad. i miss home like crap, for some strange reason. being away from my family does have a rather strange effect on me. i start to feel all alone in the world and unwanted, somewhat. like nobody's child, nobody's sister. isn't it strange how family ties are so deep-rooted? like i never knew how attached i was to my family until now. my identity has a lot to do with my family. i feel good knowing that i'm my parents' child, their eldest daughter. i feel good knowing i'm Carol's older sister. i feel good knowing that i'm Koko Maggie's god-daughter and niece. i feel good knowing i'm Trina's best friend. i feel good knowing that i'm Chelsa's pal.

but do i feel good knowing i'm me? hmm i really don't know! i never realised how much my confidence and feel-good factor depended so much on other people. not a very safe thing, you realise. what if one day something happened, say my parents died or something? i wouldn't be my parents' daughter anymore cos they wouldn't be around anymore. so one piece of my identity would dissolve into thin air, just like that. then what if i migrate to another country and lose touch with all my friends? more pieces of my identity would shatter.

so who is left? scary thought.

i thought i'd be over the teenage angst stage. you know, when teenagers rage against the world cos they can't find their identity, cos they feel like they're someone else, cos they feel lost amid the sea of self-assured adult identities and fragile teen identities just like their own. i don't feel angsty against the world now or any such thing. i just want to know who i am. like who will be left if all the different titles and 'friend of who and who' and 'daughter of who and who' is stripped away? i'll still be Kelly, sure. but who is Kelly?

the other day, i was going nuts trying to understand the concept of consciousness. why am i conscious as Kelly? why am i not conscious as someone else? i see the world through my eyes, tainted and prodded by the girl Kelly's thoughts and opinions. how would the world look like through the eyes of another, say, Trina or Mel? would the roses be redder, the birds chirping sweeter, the sky that much bluer? or what if i were looking through the eyes of a guy? would a girl's ass be all that much more interesting to look at than say, a snail on the ground? why wasn't i given consciousness as a Jessica or a Rachel or a Xiao Li? as a Japanese or an American or a British? why Kelly, a Singaporean girl? it's such a iffy concept to grasp, this consciousness. my body was infused with the spirit whom my parents christened Kelly the moment i was formed in my mother's womb; i was given a set of dreams and inclinations and dislikes and fears and hopes and loves. i was given a brain that loved the English language and all things romantic and lofty aspirations of being a shiny pin-up girl and a writer, dreams of living by a quaint English countryside with English roses in my garden and a gurgling brook through the countryside my house stands on with 5 kids running around with straw hats and my husband doing the dishes.

i'd like to be someone else for just one day sometimes, just to see the change in perspective. i'd like to be perhaps a Justin for a day to see how a guy's mind works.

meanwhile, i shall bury my brain in books again so i'll stop chewing on all these unanswerables. many a great philosopher have debated these for their entire lives and even then, did not manage to get a concrete answer. i ain't no philosopher, unfortunately. sometimes i feel like the stupidest person on earth cos here i am, with all these weird questions that i can't answer and get so frustrated over.

pictures of people i love to cheer me up.

the people who were my life and the people who are my life now.

aites enough procrastinating. i shall read my mno article then go to bed.

2006-11-21T03:30:00.000+08:00

technology has really revolted against me. i got locked out of my room earlier in the night while on the phone with Tri.

bloody hell okay!
everything's going bonkers on me! the next thing i know, my phone's gonna explode in my hands or something.

last episode of ANTM today. Danielle won! yay! she was my favourite after Sarah left. :) what am i gonna do on Monday nights now that ANTM is over? sigh. i think i shall go to my trusty youtube.com and watch previous cycles of ANTM. i love seeing the girls' photos, they always turn out so nice and glossy and nice. jealous! unlike those oh-so-pretty Americans, i do NOT photograph well at all.

argh my head is killing me. i think i'm coming down with the flu or something cos i've been sneezing and sniffling for a lot of today and yesterday. and my head's started pounding ever since i got back from the Fr William Goh talk at Holy Cross.

speaking of the talk. it was about heaven, hell and purgatory. how apt! cos the night before, i was just thinking to myself about death and what'll happen to me when i die. will i just lose consciousness painlessly, like how i drift into sleep at night? like is it a gradual process, that i'll know that i'm dying, or will it be a snap and it's over kinda thing? dead even before i realise that i'm dying? and when i die, what'll become of my consciousness, my mind? will it just hover in limbo until i meet God? or will it immediately be propelled into some state of being, purgatory, perhaps? will my mind know that i'm dead? or will it be living in some new life free of my earthly body? i've decided that if i die, i'd want my body to be cremated. just get rid of my body asap, thanks. don't bury me underground and wait for the maggots to eat my eyeballs out until i'm nothing but a coffin of bones. just burn me to ashes and get it over and done with. after all, once i'm dead my body becomes an empty shell. somewhat like the coccoon of a caterpillar. its coccoon becomes an empty shell once the creature inside emerges as a butterfly. new life, somewhat. does the butterfly care about what happens to its coccoon? i don't think so. it could be eaten up by locusts for it cares; it's nothing but an empty shell. i think similarly, my dying would render my body an empty shell of what i once was, cos my soul is not longer inside. but somehow, i still can't reconcile the idea of maggots chewing on my nose. too disturbing for me to want to fathom.

people always ask me what i want to be next time. i usually shrug and say "i don't know", because it's the easiest answer. but i already know what i wanna do next time. i wanna be a journalist, i wanna write a novel, i wanna write for National Geographic, i wanna study the animals in the jungles and rainforests and classify them into their species or whatever, i wanna breed fishies in my tank and take photos of their pretty colours, i wanna get married to a gorgeous specimen of a man whose heart as beautiful as he is and have 10 kids and live in a country house in the European countryside, i wanna be America's Next Top Model and live a glamourous jetsetting lifestyle and admire my pretty glossies after the shoots, i wanna watch Manchester United play in the Theatre of Dreams in Manchester and cheer my lungs out for Alan Smith in the stands, i wanna watch Kimi Raikkonen zip past me in his red Ferrari next season in the Sepang circuit in KL, i wanna eat crabs along the seaside with Tri and watch the sun go down.

so many things to do, so little time. and of course, there's always the overseas exchange i wanna do in my second year. so many possibilities. but really, do more possibilities always necessarily make us happier people? i think sometimes, people are the happiest when they have lesser possibilities and could choose from just a few options that they really and truly want.

going back on weekends and having Carol stay over practically the entire week last week made me realise how much i love my family. i'd only begun to realise it when i've been away from home the last 3 months or so. i never realised how much i loved my dad simply because he loves us all so much, doing things for all of us. i never realised how much i loved my mom because once again, she loves us all so much; her nagging is her way of showing she cares and i never appreciated it till now. i never realised how much i loved my sister simply for who she is, oh-so-cute and lovable and generous to a fault and such an adoring younger sister. i was thinking, what if God took away my entire family one fine day. would i still be able to say that i love Him? i think i'd find it very hard to still say that i do cos i love my family so much.

looks like i'll be spending a long time in purgatory, since my attachment to them is so strong.

2006-11-18T21:33:00.000+08:00

technology is turning its back on me. for all of the time i've spent on IT this week, it still hates me. my laptop is completely and totally unusable now. some malicious virus infected it and it's completely useless. last night, my hard disk got wiped out. thankgoodness for my intuition. my intuition was telling me just minutes before that my laptop was behaving all weird, so i decided to save my schoolwork in a thumb drive AND burn a CD in case anything happened. i tell you, i am SO BLOODY LUCKY. i managed to burn a dvd of all my music and backup my schoolwork before the system crashed on me and self-destructed.

and to think that i'm the only one in my group that has the final version of the IT project VBA code and flowcharts. omg if i hadn't saved my things in the thumb drive, i think i would have flopped dead there and then. you have no idea how many fricking hours i've spent on the stupid project in total.

:( :(

dad's been trying to get rid of the bug/virus/spyware whatever since last night but it's still not behaving. i hope he manages to repair everything by tomorrow night or i won't have a laptop in hall next week and i'm gonna die of boredom while studying cos i survive on music.

IT-woes aside, i've finally made the switch from biz to arts. i've been dragging my feet on deciding for the longest time ever, but i was forced to make a choice by yesterday cos the dateline for applying for a course transfer was yesterday. i stupidly forgot my photocopied certs so they made a concession for me to submit my certs by Monday. but like hello, why do you need my certs? i'm already a biz student, i must have done well enough to get into biz. so it should make sense that since i did well enough to get into biz, my results should be more than enough to take me into arts right? cheeeeee. bureaucracy!

i shall study econs tonight and maybe webcast mno or IT on my dad's laptop. i am so sick of computers, maybe i'll heck it and stare at some paper for a while.

i can't wait to choose my modules next sem! i'm actually looking forward to school next sem and the modules i could take, yay! am thinking of perhaps taking psych, soci, geog, politcal science, lit, jap, english.. i could take anything and everything! i am rather looking forward to beginning a new sem in arts. i just hope my application gets through.. if not i will be sorely disappointed at having to spend another sem in biz. aites am gonna shower. and leave computers alone for a while. enough of screaming at screens for night i think. the next screen i stare at will be the tv screen when i play ps2 later tonight.

2006-11-17T04:37:00.000+08:00

i see a home in a quiet place
i see myself in a strong embrace
and i feel protection from the human race
- it's not parental.
but it's a fantasy, not a reality
and it's no good, no,
no good for me, you have no idea
that i'm walking through the clouds
when you're looking at me
i'm feeling like a child
vulnerability
i am shaking like a leaf if you move beside me
and you're all that I see
but it's no good for me.
you have a home in a quiet place
and someone else feels your strong embrace
she is protected and she needs no chase
and do you love her?
you're a mystery, you are the heart of intrigue
you're no good, no,
no good for me.

*the corrs // no good for me.

2006-11-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

IT project is killing all the brain cells in my pretty head.

i am majorly irritated and i want to throw something at my laptop because i can't even work out the first part of the project. it is bleeping frustrating. ARGHARGHARGHARGH.

every single line i type into the stupid VBE code window contains an error. EVERY line, i am not kidding. i've been debugging my one-liners since i started doing the stupid project at 4plus, and i still haven't figured out the problem. SO ANNOYING!

i know what i want to do: check my range for particular values and select these values and copy and paste. it's that simple! but i can't write the code for that without errors! i am ready to really scream because i am so sick of IT but i can't leave it alone. i desperately want to bathe and do something else but being the stubborn fool that i am, i won't leave hopeless as hopeless.

i reiterate, IT is killing all the brain cells in my pretty head. don't expect this gorgeous babe to sound remotely intelligent when you next see her because the brain cells will probably take some time to regenerate. i am miserable.

2006-11-11T02:35:00.000+08:00

according to my mno readings, a lot of the decisions i make in my life may not necessarily be good ones because it seems that i have fallen into several of the 8 psychological traps in decision-making.

i tell you, mno is seriously my favourite module this sem. it's part psychology, part sociology, part fluff. i get to study about what influences the minds of business executives when they make decisions. and wow-wee, it seems that these are applicable to real-life too.

welll, according to the Harvard Business Review article i'm reading now, it seems that i have fallen into the status-quo trap several times over.
the source of the status-quo trap lies deep within our psyches, in our desire to protect our egos from damage. breaking from the status-quo means taking action, and when we take action, we take responsibility, thus opening ourselves to critcism and to regret. not surprisingly, we naturally look for reasons to do nothing. sticking with the status-quo represents, in most cases, the safer course because it puts us at less psychological risk.

and it would also seem that i've fallen prey to the sunk-cost trap more often in my life than i would have liked.

another of our deep-seated biasnes is to make choices in a way that justifies past choices, even when the past choices no longer seem valid. why can't people free themselves from past decisions? frequently, it's because they are unwilling, consciously or not, to admit to a mistake.

being the arrogant individual that i am, i do not like to admit to my mistakes. and even when i do realise the error of my ways, i find it so hard to accept that fact and change my mind. it seems that when i'm wrong about something, i'm even more determined to keep at it in the hopes that success will eventually fall onto my lap. well, hello. it seems that my stubbornness isn't unique only to me. it's common to everyone in the form of a sunk-cost psychological trap!

spent the better part of the night studying downstairs, but although i feel inclined to think that i did a lot, thinking back i think i didn't really accomplish that much. just webcasted my mno lecture, copied over Chelsa's film notes from Monday's lecture and read one mno reading. we took a one-hour Sheares supper break and came back at 12 plus feeling too too full.
am supposed to be sleeping soon cos i have to get up at the unearthly time of 830am tomorrow morning cos there's some SMU thing to do. then lecture after that! heh but i HAD to finish blogging about my interesting finding cos when i read it, i was all like, oh wow, i can so relate to this stuff! i think that's what i means to be interested in your subject matter.

i think i shall play a quick game of spider solitaire before going to bed. the one-hour nap earlier on in the evening has overcharged me somewhat.

2006-11-10T22:07:00.000+08:00

i am studying in the reading room now. i have been studying whenever i'm free.
I HAVE NO MORE LIFE. : (
it's a Friday night and i should be going out somewhere, anywhere. but i'm not even at home! - i'm stuck in school. why? SMU meeting tomorrow morning at 9am then mno make-up lecture at 10am. BOO TO SATURDAY EVENTS IN SCHOOL. BOO. so much for a 5-day work week man.

i had a wonderful wonderful birthday surprise on Monday night. LOVEYOUGUYS ALL!!
i'd blog more about it if i had the time and space, but i don't really. but in short, my lovelies planned a pretty damn good supper surprise for me on the rooftop, and i was supremely surprised and all i can say is: you rock lah, lovelies, and i love you! muaaaahhhh!

2006-11-06T05:47:00.000+08:00

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!

4 November 2006. must buy 4d, i tell you. i was half inclined to think that the tester was pulling a fast one on me, cos i drove so badly! his face was so black by the end of my test but he still ticked the oh-so-wonderful 'pass' option on my form and handed the paper to me, albeit a bit hesitatingly. but oh, who cares!

i was so ecstatic! i could hardly believe that i had passed my driving test on my first attempt. i never once imagined i would've been a first-time passee! especially since i knew for myself my driving was horrendous and i'm not exactly the world's most level-headed person.

:) :) :) :)

i'm sorry, Chels, if i seem to keep rubbing it in!! but pal, you know you'll get your license soon too, so don't worry!! i know you'll get your license soon! so meanwhile, i'll shut up about my driving exploits till January!

i've been driving everywhere possible ever since Saturday morning when i passed. i drove dad and Carol to Ang Mo Kio for lunch, then drove us to church that afternoon to pick Matthias up for the Parachute Band worship concert. then drove back from Colin's place at Upper Neram Road area. then this morning i drove mom and dad down for 11am mass, then drove us all back from Heartland Mall after lunch. then drove again in the evening to my grandma's place and back home again after that. THEN drove to school too via the super long Lornie Road way. it's been so tiring! and it seems as though manymany years have passed since i got my license. the weekend was such an eventful one! Koko Maggie offered me the use of her car the day before i took my test IF i passed. and i did! so i happily bought her a set of P plates to put in her car so i can use it anytime i want. haha. :)

aaaaaaahhh how exciting!

but what's not so exciting is the stats project i came back to hall tonight to do. if it weren't for the stupid project, i'd have stayed home another night and only followed dad down tomorrow morning. i've been wanting to spend as much time home as possible ever since i went home mid-week last week. it did me a lot of good, i must say! i think the stats project is gonna be so bad, but i don't care anymore. i'm starting to feel a bit burnt out where projects are concerned. sigh whatever man.

am meeting Trina for lunch tomorrow! if i don't go for any of my lectures tomorrow, i can probably meet her earlier. i'll see how i feel tomorrow morning when i get up! haha.

and you know what happens when you put the 4 of us together in a room when we're high on stats project? we go absolutely nuts. shucks we should have taken some photos man. but seriously, i laughed so damn hard earlier when we were doing our project in Chelsa's room. i think tonight was Bully Chelsa Night or something. but pal you know we love you anyway right? i do!!!!! :) too fun! ahaha. but i'm not sure if it's worth having to slog over another stats project to get as high as we did earlier on. i laughed until my sides felt like they were splitting.

it feels good to do something sweet for someone who means a lot to you! i've been feeling nice and loving lately, i think it has got to do with the change in atmosphere.

okay, toooooo tired! need to sleep.

2006-11-02T19:32:00.000+08:00

i forgot all about my teamwork analysis 2 thing for mno tomorrow until Mel reminded me an hour ago on msn. argh. don't know how to do. spent 3 hours napping in front of the tv while doing my mno readings, watching Carol play Star Ocean and waiting for my songs to download. i had such a good afternoon. home's so far away from school, it's a nice feeling. to be away from all my work (even though i brought work home to do! haha.) to be away from all the madness that permeate the tranquility. i left all that behind in my room when i came back and breathed the somehow fresher air of Yio Chu Kang, when i came back to the comforts of my home where i feel safe and somehow protected from seemingly prying eyes.

i'm in a supremely melancholy mood now. i realised the aptness of the song Wake Me Up When September Ends when i was listening to it this afternoon. i fell in love with Jewel's subtly sad You Were Meant For Me and ended up crying over Celine Dion's Water From The Moon. i smiled at all the cheeriness of Toploader's Dancing in the Moonlight and could only nod in agreement as i let the angrily desperate words of Kelly Clarkson's Addicted wash over me. i am in a song-ish mood now. when you have no words left to use, you can always borrow the words of others to help you.

*****

i hear the clock, it's 6am
i feel so far from where i've been
i got my eggs and my pancakes too
i got my maple syrup

everything but you.

i break the yolks, make a smiley face
i kinda like it in my brand new place
i wipe the spots off the mirror
don't leave the keys in the door
never put wet towels on the floor anymore, cos

dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
i know you love me
and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you.

i called my momma, she was out for a walk
consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
so i picked up a paper, it was more bad news
more hearts being broken or people being used
put on my coat in the pouring rain
i saw a movie - it just wasn't the same
cos it was happy and i was sad
it made me miss you oh-so-bad, cos

dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
i know you love me
and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you.

i go about my business
i'm doing fine
besides, what would i say if i had you on the line?
same old story, not much to say
hearts are broken, everyday.
i brush my teeth and put the cap back on
i know you hate it when i leave the light on
i pick a book up
turn the sheets down
take a deep breath and take a good look around
put on my PJs and hop into bed
i'm half-alive but i feel mostly dead
i try and tell myself i'll be all right
i just shouldn't think anymore tonight, cos

dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
i know you love me
and soon i know you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you.

*You Were Meant For Me//Jewel

*****

sigh.

2006-11-01T14:59:00.000+08:00

it's just one of those days when you don't feel like doing anything at all. and being physically unable to do things is quite a good excuse for lying in bed and hiding under my blanket, to be honest!

i woke up this morning, knew i had cramps, and cursed my ovaries and every other female part of my body. then after expending the last of my energy, i rolled over in bed and squeezed my eyes shut again and wished hard i weren't me.

sometimes i think making you feel physically unwell is God's way of making you stay still and realise that He's around after all. cos when you're constantly on the move, constantly thinking and doing things, you hardly have time to talk to God. but when you're stuck in bed with a spinning head and you can't do anything else cos everytime you sit up you feel like throwing up everything inside, you start to notice the silence, the sound of your own heart beating, and realise how amazing God is. and you start to have these long conversations with Him about what's been hurting, about academic woes, about how you need His help and love so badly in your life. last night felt a bit like that. i just spoke to God in the dark and listened to the silence with my heart and fell asleep knowing that God heard me and i'm not alone.

sometimes you wonder why you aren't more pretty, more smart, more funny, more whatever. but you never see what you are. you wonder why people like someone else more, why don't they like me more you think. but don't you see all the other people who love you for who you are? i've just been struck with this realisation. i always wonder why i'm not more anything, but am never happy with what i am. or perhaps i just fail to see that in me. but others see the good in me and love me. the people who matter, the people who care. everyone has their shortcomings, but no one has no good qualities! everyone's at least something good, i think.

last night's culture night performance was quite good. it struck a chord with me cos i think the entire story scenario isn't alien to anyone. girl A loves boy A. boy A likes girl B. girl B likes boy C. boy C likes girl B too. what's new about that? it's the quintessential love quadrangle in dramas all over the world. i think the moral of the story is just that sometimes you don't see that what you've been looking for all this while has been in front of you. and sometimes you just realise it too late. boy A in the performance didn't. but he almost lost girl A who loved him so much just because he was so caught up with the more glamourous and popular girl B. there was a happy ending. mainstream! and everyone leaves the mpsh happy and warm. but what about the million other girl As in the world who lose their boy As to the girl Bs? they don't find their happy ending, that's for sure. at least one girl A found hers. :)

i'm going home tonight i think. i miss home, for one thing. and i need to get away from the madness of hall and school for a while. sometimes you get so sucked up in everything that you lose yourself and go to bed at night wondering whether Kelly still exists in some secret corner of B509. you lose your heart, your mind, your self, and go back on weekends trying to reclaim some bits of the whole life you once had. then when you seem more mended somehow after the weekend, you come back on Sunday night and all the madness floods your mind and forces the cracks out again until by the time Friday rolls around, you're in pieces again. okay so maybe this is just unique to me, but it's something i feel strongly about. my family loves me, i love my family. i need them, they need me. i'm going home.

2006-10-30T04:41:00.000+08:00

MY SINGAPORE FILM PROJECT IS ALMOST OFFCIALLY OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)))

Mel and i spent the better part of today AND tonight doing the report. we nearly tore our hair out over the pathetic 2-page report. which took a ridiculously long time to churn out, considering its measly length. and according to wordcount, it's only about 1500 words long. towards the end of our report, we were both going high on each other. like we would giggle at every single thing we said even though we probably wouldn't find it very funny in normal circumstances. and we kept reiterating our 1-brain-cell between the two of us statement. it really felt like it by the time we concluded our report at about 3.15! i felt like i had no brains left.

and haha if thoughts could kill, a million people would have dropped dead tonight. we were feeling particularly muderous. but in a weird way, the whole process was kinda fun. okay, so shoot me for being sadistic. but i'm glad i was doing the report with Mel cos i think we both balance each other out. and it's possible to bounce ideas off each other i think partly cos of our arts/lit background. that's why i firmly believe in a lit education for every school going child. studying literature is healthy for the mind and teaches it to think about things on a deeper level.

i am teething again. my upper right wisdom tooth has begun its growth and it's giving me ulcers because of the abrasion of the tooth on the sides of my mouth. the last time my wisdom tooth grew out, i wanted so badly to just extract it cos it was giving me so much trouble. if i were a baby i'd be crying non-stop because the teething process is just so bloody annoying. it's an incessant toothache and it also feels like there's some decaying food stuck somewhere in the back of your teeth. argh.

okay i harbour ambitious plans! i intend to get up earlier tomorrow morning so that i can do a bit of the mno webcast for last week's lecture before going for film lecture. i have so many trillion webcasts to do and mno readings to do as well that i don't know where i'm gonna find the time to start studying for my finals! sad. :(

2006-10-29T00:50:00.000+08:00

let me state this oh-so-clearly for the oh, i don't know, gazillionth time?

I HAVE THE UTMOST DISDAIN AND CONTEMPT FOR PROJECTS.
in simple english, i hate it. i'm spending hours of my life toiling away at report after report, at meeting after meeting, in front of the computer spinning imaginary numbers and statistics out of thin air.

i thought pw in jc was bad. uni project work is just that 5 times over. 1 round of pw in j1 was enough to almost kill me and whatever love i had for projects before. doing the written report myself was bad, but it was the better alternative to trying superrrr hard to get my group to write anything other than 5 miserable sentences that do not gel together anyway. well yes, hello. i have 5 projects this time round. no sorry, 4, plus 3 econs homework assignments worth 100marks each to be done in groups of 10.

argh projects are the bane of my existence presently. in my humble opinion, life would be so much smoother without the evil thing called a project. what does project mean anyway? projectile? predict? it has absolutely no meaning at all!! BAH.

had a stats project meeting at 10 this morning in town. McCafe is actually a pretty nice place to just sit and chill out. i think Trina and i did that like, last year. but last year seems so long ago somehow! after stats, Mel and i continued with our Singapore Film report with Chelsa asking us for help sporadically. i tell you, the three of us are like official report writers. and being an ex-lit student is not good! Mel and i nit-picked at every single word and sentence we spun up, analyzing the possible second meanings of words and wondering if our point was brought across strongly and clearly enough. we nearly went crazy by the time 7pm rolled around and we closed shop for the day cos our brains had stopped functioning.

watched Dead or Alive! it's such a brainless show and only 1-and-a-half hours long! but what do you expect anyway. the idea of 4 hot babes dressed in skimpy bikinis fighting in a tournament on an island simply does not promise much of a story line. there are so many movies i want to watch! we came up with a list of movies we wanted to watch today half-way while doing our report.

Kelly's list of movies to watch within the next 2 months:
1. The Black Dahlia
2. Step Up
3. The Prestige
4. The Oh in Ohio
5. Honey
6. The Lake House

Kelly's list of games to get in the December semester break:
1. Black & White 2
2. World of Warcraft
3. The Sims 2: Nightlife, Open for Business and Pets
4. Final Fantasy XII
5. Valkyrie Profile
6. Final Fantasy VII

sighhhhh making these lists don't make me feel any better, to be honest. i'm so holiday-sick now. i'm so sick of school and everything and exams are in 4 weeks but lessons are still going on in full swing and i can't keep up. i want to play games on my ps2 so badly but i foresee my holidays being eaten up by hall stuff in December! i shouldn't have over-joined things in my zeal to earn hall points. silly Kelly.

2006-10-27T15:42:00.000+08:00

my week of hell is almost over!! mno cq video was submitted today, so it's GOODBYE to that for now! and my Eating Air presentation was today too, so it's toodles to Eating Air for now too. i've been doing so much Singapore Film the last week that i'm sosososososososo sick of it. just the report left to do this weekend and it's a complete bye-bye to Film project cos it's due on Monday!! :)

i couldn't sleep last night! i went to bed at 6am, and only ended up falling asleep at 8! omg i hated the birds so much. those birds that keep chirping at the crack of dawn for who-knows-what-reason, i feel like strangling them. really and truly, i want to take a gun and shoot them down. they kept singing and singing and singing, I HATE THEM. especially when you can't sleep. and a stupid car started horning at 7am JUST when i was falling asleep. i nearly screamed and died. and i had to get up by 1030am, so i was starting to panic by 8am.. argh.

have to go for econs tutorial now! yucks man i hate it.

2006-10-26T04:58:00.000+08:00

i hate hanging up my own laundry. the clothes hanger thingamajig outside my window is nice and all.. but the surface directly below it is covered with BIRDSHIT. and everytime i accidentally drop one article of clothing on the disgusting surface, i can just feel my heart sinking to my toes cos i know i'll have to wash that piece of clothing again.

it is supremely gross. lumps of birdshit. YUCKS.

Chelsa and i drew up our study timetable for our finals today. i am horrified, to tell you the truth. so much to do in so few days!! i'll be holed up in my room studying for the next 5 weeks i think. booo to exams. but we have a star system that might be fun to implement! for every thing on our timetable we complete, we get a star sticker! haha yes cheap thrill, maybe. but every little thing to keep things interesting helps keep me motivated.

at least i did something productive today! i watched my last week's IT webcast at 1.7 speed. so i finished it in record time. :)

i want to play Final Fantasy and Black & White 2 nowwwwwww. i am suddenly turning into the gamer i once was. don't know if that's good or bad though, since that means my mind isn't really on studying.

2006-10-24T04:04:00.000+08:00

i totally believe in the therapeutic power of tv.

of sitting in front of the tv/computer and just watch stories unfold in other people's lives right before you. of bawling your eyes out when the girl on tv bawls hers out when she is pulled away from the Love Of Her Life. of screaming when the ghost pops up suddenly behind the guy on tv in the mirror and the squawking macaw starts flapping his wings in some sort of weird frenzy.

that's exactly what i did today. from 1030 till now, i've been sitting in front of my laptop watching show after show after show. no thoughts of work tonight, thankyou. it's a public holiday tomorrow. my wonderful night of tv watching began with ANTM, then this movie called Dragonfly where this doctor's dead wife speaks through his dead/dying patients to tell him about their daughter somewhere in the middle of the Amazon or something. then i watched one episode of Sad Love Story. and i am in a terribly good mood now. i'm in the best mood i've been for a long time. i feel liberated, freeeeee and happy!

haha bet you didn't know that watching tv could result in such tremendous benefits right.

plus, i'm going out with the family tomorrow! i miss my family muchly! even though i go home every weekend.. but it doesn't really feel like i'm spending much time with them cos i spend SO MUCH time in church! ironic, isn't it? how i spend more time in church with the church people then i spend with my family. but yes, we are going to Ikea tomorrow morning! and perhaps Sim Lim in the afternoon. yaaaaay! :)

i want to buy more shows to watch. i brought Troy and Gladiator and Honey with me when i came back on Sunday night on a whim. i had no idea they'd be so useful! i want to invest in the Stairway to Heaven dvd as well as other must-watch-but-somehow-haven't-watched shows like Winter Sonata, Autumn in My Heart, All In and Full House. and English shows like Tristan+Isolde, Interview With The Vampire, Pride & Prejudice, Sin City and ALL JOHNNY DEPP SHOWS. and Survivor is coming back to Channel5!

i think i'm gonna regret wasting my tonight away somewhere along the week cos this week is supposed to be chock-full of work. but i think i needed the break from everything! just retreating into my room all alone to watch show after show wrapped up in my blanket and hugging my pillow is a very nice feeling. i think i should do it more often. and read more too. i don't care if people think i'm a weird recluse anymore. it's fun and i like it. hahah. i can't believe i forgot how much i enjoyed doing this!

opened my eyes today
and i knew there's something different
saw you in a brand new way
like the clouds had somehow lifted
and if yesterday i'd heard myself saying these words
i would swear it's a lie

my all-time favourite line:
you never know who's falling in love with your smile, so smile. :)
i am!

2006-10-23T05:18:00.000+08:00

Eating Air is an unbelievably DIFFICULT show to understand.
i understood shit about the show after having sat through it for 120min in the lounge. time was really dragging. and at the end of the show, all i could understand after trying so hard for 120min was that 3 men were dead and a girl was walking away from the motorbike.

like, hello?? how am i supposed to do a presentation about the show for Friday's tutorial???????

this week is gonna comprise of nothing but projects projects and more projects. and one homework assignment that i CANNOT DO.

there is a shitload of work to be done this week. and i am so not a Type B behaviour kind of person. like hello, i am getting incredibly stressed out right now over all my work. i'm definitely not feeling laid-back, calm etc.

i can't believe i spent 12.90 on such a bad show. bloody hell.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! :)

not that he'll read this, but who knows? parents are becoming increasingly IT savvy. i know, such an abrupt switch from the whining about my work. i am going to sleep now. i was in such a fricking bad mood for a lot of today that i ended up snapping at everyone in my line of fire and vision. sleeping for 4 hours in the afternoon helped a little but i think it wasn't enough.

read this: PROJECTS SUCK. i've spent my entire weekend on two projects/assignments and have gotten myself in such an incredibly lousy mood. that can't reflect very well on projects in general. if they ever ask for feedback about the project work system, i will bitch like hell i swear.

2006-10-21T04:31:00.000+08:00

okay i am in such an unbelievably productive mood today. i finished the first draft of my mno video report thing already. i think it should be more or less done! just left the bibliography, citations and annexes to slot in.

i feel like celebrating my producitvity.

aaaaaand. i had my first driving lesson today for the first time in 3 months! and i must say i'm not as bad as i thought i'd be cos i could park relatively decently after the initial refresher instructions. and i could drive on the roads without causing any accidents too. well done Kelly, i must reiterate. :)

busybusy week ahead! i have a gazillion meetings to be at. aaaahhh.
and i just found out from small Steph my 5th floor neighbour that i can find episodes of ANTM on youtube! episodes that i was forced to miss cos of one hall activity or other. can now be found on the amazing youtube.com! i love that site lah i swear. there's also rockstar supernova, project runway, cycles 1-6 of ANTM.. and i bet i could find my Korean drama serials there too if i searched hard enough. there's even some Seattle fish market video thing! the one that i missed from the mno lecture i missed. funnily, the clip wasn't allowed to be broadcasted over webcast, but it's okay to be on youtube. hmmm. no sense at all! youtube's worse than broadcasting cos the whole damn world goes there to search for a million and one different clips!

i spent an hour today searching for and watching the broken up parts of the episode of ANTM i missed last Monday cos of openfloor. i can't wait for Hell Week to be over so i can start watching my million things on youtube.

I LOVE YOUTUBE.

2006-10-19T18:10:00.000+08:00

i went down for dinner and came back up again cos the food was so so so so so unappetizing. i mean, what you see has a lot of impact on what you feel. if the food looks bad, you don't feel hungry anymore. if something looks less-than-nice, your positive feelings disappear. it applies to everything, food included! hall dinners do NOT look good at all. i think i should start eating out of hall soon before i die from starvation. i can't not eat dinner every night just cos the food looks so bad.

to all concerned friends who asked about my last post: i am alright now, really! thanks my dears, for asking me if i was alright and all, your concern is and was much much appreciated. :) as i said, i had a lot of things on my mind that night, coupled with the effects of alcohol on my brain.. it just made me a lot more.. frustrated over small things that wouldn't normally matter. i was thinking about what happened last time, the whole incident replayed in my mind over and over again. from the conversations to the confrontations to the semi-resolutions. hard to forget all that. i remember lots of stuff, unfortunately. i don't let go very quickly.

and i tend to get lost in memories. ghosts of the past that won't stop haunting me no matter where i go. ghosts of the past that manifest themselves as ghosts of the present and future. an active mind is not always a good thing. wherever you turn you see things that make you think of things that've happened and you always link it in your mind to other random things.

it's terribly exhausting to be happy! i've been in an alright mood generally for the last 2 days. been rather productive and focussed on my work, which is good. and being productive in my academic matters always puts me in a better mood. i think it's the achiever in me. but i think the reason why it's been exhausting for me to be happy stems from the fact that not all's well inside of me. i don't know, i feel alright really. even to myself. but something about me doesn't seem quite right, i can't place my finger on what exactly. it's like i'm curing the symptoms but leaving the actual illness untouched cos i don't know what it is.

ahaha okay i'm thinking too much again. i shall turn my thoughts to my shitload of work to do tonight! i need to do my mno one-pager for last week's tutorial which i conveniently didn't do, type out the companion guide for the mno cq video, discuss econs homework with Chelsa and Danielle. i also want to read my econs text cos i understand zilch about the lectures, seriously. and my mno text and readings cos there's just so much to read. and oh how could i forget the film report Mel and i are supposed to work on first?

shitload is an understatement. MAF tonight which i will be skipping to discuss my econs homework.

oh and i cleaned the fan in my room already. so it's currently dust free and oh so clean. hahaha yes i went on a springcleaning spree yesterday afternoon. swept my floor, packed up my table a bit.. told you i was productive. :)

from a friend, to a friend:
close your eyes so you don't feel them
they don't need to see you cry
i can't promise i will heal you
but if you want to i will try
to sing this summer serenade
the past is done we've been betrayed
it's true
someone said the truth will out
i believe without a doubt in you.
you were there for summer dreaming
and you gave me what i need
and i hope you'll find your freedom
for eternity.
yesterday when we were walking
you talked about your ma and dad
what they did that made you happy
what they did that made you sad
we sat and watched the sun go down
picked a star before we lost the moon
youth is wasted on the young
before you know it's come and gone
- too soon.
you were there for summer dreaming
and you are a friend indeed
and i know you'll find your freedom, eventually
for eternity.

*eternity//robbie williams.

2006-10-18T05:31:00.000+08:00

i just found out things i'd rather not have found out about. and i am sad. i know, sad's such a mild word to use, but i'm at a loss of words to use right now. shockingly, yes. but i really am. i'm semi-dazed and semi-whatever, semi-upset and semi-alright. i don't even know what i'm feeling right now. i have NO words to describe this, so everything's gonna sound repeated and jumbled up. what if you didn't really want to know about something but you already knew about it anyway? i hate the feeling. it was like this the last time, i knew exactly what was in store for me. but i didn't care, i wanted to know anyway. and what happened in the end? i ended up feeling like shit. i do not want to put myself in the same vulnerable situation again, although i think i'm somewhat on my way there already. you cannot make someone fall in love with you. you can fall in love with someone, yes, but you just can't make the person feel the same way. you might touch the person with your sincerity and sweetness, maybe. but what if the person already likes someone else? nothing you do will help your case one bit. okay it probably seems that i'm talking about me right here. but somewhere along this paragraph, i stopped talking about me and started musing in general. there're just so many things on my mind now, i could type on and on. i'm not devastated, i'm too brain dead to really think. sigh. i wish i could empty all my thoughts and pour them out of the window. or like in the Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. i'd want to erase my thoughts and memories cos there really isn't a point in keeping them. who cares if i felt so giddily in love the last time, and enjoying that happy feeling? it was so temporary. who cares if i had such high hopes and sweet memories? it was so fleeting. i'm sure i'll find those happy memories again sometime along in the future with someone. but i'm equally sure i'll find those sad memories along with those happy ones. sigh alright i have so much more to say but no more words left in me. i want to be free and i think i have a chance to be, the cage door's wide open for me to fly out. but at the same time, i refuse to fly out from my cage and instead would rather continue caged up in my misery. where is the logic in all this?

2006-10-17T04:52:00.000+08:00

it's been a pretty darn long night i must say! so many gazillion things have happened in the last few hours that it doesn't seem quite right that Monday isn't over for me yet. open floor was quite fun! haha i had fun dressing up in my pink sari and taking photos! :) i am such a photo-whore sometimes.

oh and i got into soccer! ahaha yes, no mean feat for a non-sports person like me i must say. hehe. i used to pon pe more regularly than attend it, so you can imagine my disdain for physical activities. butbut. suprise surprise! Kelly's in soccer now ha. after today's soccer training, i feel inspired to improve on my fitness so i'll be able to last a longer time on the pitch. after a mere 15 min playing today, i felt like dying. but i scored 2 goals! heh which is funny cos i started off playing soccer in ibg as a defender. but 2 goals ain't bad i think! i had a lot of trouble at the start of the training session though. my passing was horrendously bad and i think Yanhe the coach wanted to kill me.

"Kel, you're not kicking hard enough!"
"Kel, aim before you kick! accuracy!"

i felt soooooooo bad. i mean, it's basic things i'm flubbing on. it's not as if i couldn't get chesting or whatever, it was basic passing and running. i think i've got a long way to go before i become a decent player! i'm not even half-decent now i think. well, but i'm supposed to have 'potential', so i sincerely hope the potential doesn't just remain that but instead becomes kinetic. har-dee-har. the late night is messing with my brain and making me spew weird physics terms in my vocab. and i was so fricking tired after training, it was no joke okay! my ears were completely stuck and i couldn't breathe properly halfway through the game. oh if you're wondering what my stuck ears have to do with anything, my ears tend to get stuck on me whenever i get too tired and want to die. it's a sign that i'm dehydrated and need to drink water fast before i pass out. and also a sign that i have to stop exerting myself or the light-headedness and dizziness WILL set in soon. training on Wednesday again. there's no way i'm gonna be able to improve my fitness level in 2 days, but i think this kinda thing will slowly build up over the course of the trainings.

projects SUCK. i hate them all. filming just now was alright, but projects suck in general. and econs presentations and homework assignments just take the cake. i hatehatehatehate Mangerial Econs. the lecturer seems to think that his is the only module we're taking and is piling on the homework like nobody's fricking business. like hello, maybe we have 4 other modules that ALL require stupid projects too? and the last assignment we did, we got a 82.5.

which is, believe it or not, BELOW BLOODY AVERAGE. the average for the assignment was a 95. anything below a 90 wasn't too good. errrrr. hello? 82.5 and bad doesn't seem to equate. i had a hard time digesting the fact that we didn't do well... and got a 82.5. if i got that last year for econs, i'd be doing backflips to the moon already lah. what the hell man, seriously. i was just stunned for a while when i found out that we were waaaaaaaaaaaay below average for the paper. with a 82.5 to add. i'm sorry, i cannot stop emphasising on the number, but i am so disturbed by the fact that a 80+ grade is NO GOOD. wth.

anyways, projects aside. Nick asked me just now why i've been so loud lately. i guess i've been trying too hard to mask the slight tinge of depression i'm prone to slipping into with over-enthusiasm and all. but it's better than constantly giving off a depressed vibe. i'm sick of being so sad all the time. give me fluffy bimbotic-ness anyday to tide over the upset and things on my mind and i'll grab it with both hands. squealing, giggling, jumping and all other bimbotic mannerisms and gestures included.

a lot of girls who act bimbotic and oh-so-dumb are just acting. many people don't realise it, but a lot of times, the "oops! *giggle* i'm such a bimbo!" cutesy mannerisms are fronts put on by people to hide certain things. and certain smarts too, sometimes. it's so much easier to coast through life without expectations weighted on you all the time, warped as it may sound. some people may enjoy the challenge of having the expectations of the world on their shoulders, but no thanks i say. give me lower expectations and delighted expressions at my success anytime. give me people thinking i have nothing between my two ears and being surprised when i say something intelligent anytime rather than to have people expect me to be brainy and all and be disappointed when i say something dumber than my intellect should allow. maybe i'm having a wrong attitude towards life's challenges, but whatever. i don't need unncessary pressure.

oh and what's up with societal norms about BGRs? the guy always does the chasing, right? like, whatever happened to equality of the sexes man. what if the guy is such a blockhead that he doesn't know how to go after a girl? is she supposed to wait for him to finally figure it out after how many million years? i, for one, wouldn't mind going after a guy i was into. i'm me, after all. proactive, stubborn and i always know exactly what i want. but then, there's this princessy side of me that just shudders at the thought of making the first move on a guy. i still want my happy fairy tale ending, oh-so-sweet Korean drama courtship, in short - societal's norms that a relationship should fit into. i don't want to not make a move on a guy i really like only to regret it later cos he was just such a bloody piece of granite who knows nuts about getting a girl. on the other hand, i don't want to have to make the first move because I WANT TO FEEL LIKE A GIRL. i have to endure cramps every single bloody month, come on, i should get to enjoy the perks of being a girl right. one of the perks being the pampering by her boyfriend.

so that's why.. if i were born a guy everything would be solved.
i'd go after the person i like without expecting some fluffy airy fairytale ending - like a girl would.
i'd go through each month blood free and cramp free - like a girl like me would.
i'd be able to go all out to express my affection for someone i liked without worrying about whether i was coming on too strong to the world - like a girl might feel.
i'd ask a girl out if i liked her and not worry about whether the guy i liked thought i was crazy - like i would feel.

alright, so i'm not exactly representative of the entire female population. and some girls might want to stone me after what i've said, since i don't seem to be taking either a feminist stance or a pro-girly girl stance.

i just realised my stats tutorial is still untouched, and it's already 530am. i think it's gonna remained untouched until tutorial tomorrow when i will have to copy vigorously off the screen. again.

busybusy day again tomorrow! i really have to visit the post office soon to get my driving license renewed. my driving lesson's on friday and i need it by then. crap. so much for a relaxing week this week! heh. my bed's inviting me now. finally. it's been a long time since i went to bed at night feeling sleepy. goodnight world.

2006-10-16T13:58:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish i were a guy.
for several good reasons.
i may or may not elaborate later, depending on my mood!

IT tutorial in a while, then the start of my loooooong evening/night begins.
soccer training at 530, openfloor at 930..
pffft. so much for this week being a relaxing week!

and i couldn't get up for the screening of Children of Heaven this morning. i still want to go back to sleep, actually.
i think i might sleep early tonight after all! after openfloor, after ANTM, after my stats tutorial.

oh shucks. i just remembered about the filming tonight. :( so much for my plans to sleep early. i see it going up in smoke already.

2006-10-12T16:48:00.000+08:00

i am bloody pissed off now for no particular reason.
i am holed up in my room with the music blasting sad songs, ironically. since i don't have enough pissy songs in my laptop.
if thoughts could kill i think a million people would be dead by now.
i have a stats midterm tomorrow but a gazillion things to do tonight. block supper, cg, en's birthday. smu interview.
i feel like stabbing something. i can't place my finger for the exact source of my annoyance but i think it's due to a myriad of reasons.

you piss me off big time. and i am so tempted to say 'you suck', but i'm going to hold my tongue and fingers. 'you suck' is not a nice thing to say, even when one is pissed.
i am being such a fricking bitch here already. no one knows, but yes.
my thoughts/feelings/emotions are all majorly screwed up and messed up now. i am extremely incoherent and possibly dangerous, hence my isolation in my room until i've cooled down somewhat.
dangerous not cos i could physically harm anyone. i am too physically drained to do anything.
dangerous cos i know i am perfectly capable of saying poisonous things now in the foul mood i am in. and when i lose my temper i don't know how to get it back under control.

*(#&(*^*&^&)*@)(*@&*^(@&#)(@*_&*&*(^&@@#I*)_#IOI(#)(@&*(#U&@Q&#&&__#@ENUWYE*Y#*Y@#*#()&!@#&#(*)^#@&!*@&Q*NB*W#*QWQUYW&QYW&Q@*Q!(@&(*@&

bloodyhell.
damn you.

2006-10-11T03:12:00.000+08:00

i think it's a lot better to keep expecting the worst that could ever happen than to imagine the best and be completely crushed when it doesn't and the worst happens instead.

i've been spending the last few weeks living partly with my head in the clouds and partly cruelly self-yanked out of the clouds. i'm treading a dangerous line and i'm starting to be a little reckless, and i think it's time it all came to an end.

eyes don't lie, and both mine and yours don't. words do lie and so do smiles. i've been practising the art of smiling widely and happily when i ask you something and pretending that the answer doesn't matter at all when it does, so much. i can look right at you in the eye and even smile with them and say things flippantly only cos i don't want to appear like i even care just a bit. i believe what i see, i believe what happens, i don't know what's true and what's not anymore. on one hand it's so much easier to just convince yourself that you've been living a deluded fantasy all this time and that what you fear most to be true is true. it's so much less tiring cos that just leaves me at an emotional low all the time, which i suspect will taper off into an emotional whatever eventually.

i don't really want to be neurotic though, since according to my mno personality assessment, a person with high neuroticism is perpetually depressed. and it just seems slightly warped to put yourself through emotional torture perpetually just so you'll be spared a possible emotional stampede later on. cos i mean, what if the feared stampede never happens? you'd just have tortured yourself for no reason at all. it seems masochistic and just bloody warped.

but i really don't want to feel so fricking upset everevereverever again. no thanks. the memory of the couple of months ago still haunts me every once in a while. i wish i could walk back to the comfort of the potential promise to smooth away all my tears and pain again and feel special and loved again, but i can't. i decided to walk away from that and it would have been fricking selfish of me if i hadn't. i don't mean to sound like some wonderful noble specimen of a human being, but even though it was so promisingly nice and snug, i couldn't. all i want is to feel loved at the end of the day and love that someone too, to have someone listen to me bitch and whine and to listen to him bitch and whine in return. it's such a fundamental human need and want and yet so elusive to so many.

and i think deep down inside i am a horrid person. i may look like sugar and spice and all things nice, like i'll smile sweetly and innocently even when someone calls me a name to my face. but i'm damn scared cos lately i've been so bloody bitchy and i'm starting to think i might be slightly two-faced as well. i don't like what i'm becoming. and i'm such a fundamentally jealous person that it's slightly scary. aaaahhhhh. i don't like being me. i scare myself. :( i think i scare myself cos i think i'm perfectly capable of smiling oh-so-sweetly at you while i stick a knife in your back. and i try so hard not to have unfounded bad impressions of people, but i can't help instinctively liking some people less and less even though i tell myself not to. arghh.

i wish i could go back to carefree days on the beach and the silky sand beneath my toes, the feel of the hot sea wind blowing on my bronzed skin as i lie completely outstretched on the deckchair, the bump of the volleyball on the sand and my squeal of delight when i manage to get it over the net. delicious stolen nights spent out under the clear night sky even though tears mingled with sand and salt and my heart broke from having to speak and listen. endless conversations on the wood-planked balcony as we speak of things that would never be and i traced the night clouds with my eyes. setting my eyes on the clear blue of the sea, so calm and beautiful and everything i wish i could be. i wish i could go back to happy, silly nights of endless card games and drowning in beautiful eyes, to secret smiles at hopelessly romantic songs that made my heart melt before i knew it was all a lie, to believing so stubbornly that 'now and forever i will be your man' was more than just a heartbreakingly empty promise even though it seems so damn sweet and made me smile to myself.

because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i've learned to stay on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid

until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
now and forever, i will be your man

i think it's time to say goodbye. to everything.

2006-10-10T03:25:00.000+08:00

stats tutorial for tomorrow is KILLING ME. i am getting increasingly frustrated cos i'm stuck at the first bloody question and i'm so annoyed cos i think it's supposed to be easy. but i can't get it!!!!! frick man. ugh. i feel like ripping up my notes. they are SO NOT HELPFUL.

on a happier note, i feel a little placated by the fact that i didn't waste my entire night away! i finally got round to sitting through an mno webcast - this morning's one actually - and i thought it was pretty good. i feel rather accomplished for paying attention to the mno lecture for 2 full hours when i usually fall asleep in mno Monday morning lectures.

i think i'm gonna webcast all my mno lectures from now on. i absorb so much more and i function better at night too anyway. 1 mno webcast down, 3 more to go!!

and watching ANTM earlier on made me happy too. my Monday nights are always pretty good cos there's some semblance of normalcy akin to life before hall in the form of my weekly ANTM slots. NOT looking forward to tomorrow night and Wednesday night either cos it'll be so busy that i just thinking of it makes me stop breathing. tuition tomorrow night at home area - last tuition before Shermaine's econs exam on Wednesday. home area is bloody far from hall, and the best part is that i'll be training/bussing home cos Dad's gonna be in a meeting tomorrow evening. :( i hope he'll be done later at night or i'll have to train/bus back to hall again after tuition. but on the other hand, i don't particularly want him to drive me back so late cos i think he'll be damn tired. am conflicted!!

okay. one last attempt at stats tutorial before giving up and just flopping onto my bed to read a bit of stats notes for Friday's test before bed.

2006-10-09T20:12:00.000+08:00

when you're in a good mood, everything in the world seems just that much happier too. the sun seems brighter, the air smells fresher, the birds sound happier, even the rain seems more friendly. but when you're sad, the world seems like a much gloomier place. the sun seems to shine too damn brightly and too hot, the air is humid and stuffy, the birds' chirping grates on your nerves, the rain is bloody irritating.

i woke up on the right side of bed this morning and my day got off to a fantastic start. felt like dressing up a bit to complement my good mood. but as the day went on, my mood slowly started dipping and now i'm just like, alright whatever goes. even if you told me something completely shocking i think i wouldn't be able to react aptly cos i'm just too.. lazy to feel anything.

watched Money No Enough today. to be very honest, i didn't think it was that fantastic. i was quite frankly, perturbed by the depiction of the ugly Singaporean who only cared about 'saving face' in front of others. it was really quite disturbing to see the women wailing loudly over their dead mother only cos they wanted visitors to the wake to think they were filial.

don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away.

2006-10-09T02:32:00.000+08:00

i've seen this place a thousand times
i've felt this all before
and everytime you call
i've waited there as though you might not call at all
i know this face i'm wearing now
i've seen this in my eyes
and though it feels so great, i'm still afraid
that you'll be leaving anytime

we've done this once and then you closed the door
don't let me fall again for nothing more

don't say you love me unless forever
don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away

i've caught myself smiling alone
just thinking of your voice
and dreaming of your touch is all too much
you know i don't have any choice

don't say you love me unless forever
don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away

*don't say you love me//the corrs

*****

opened my eyes today
and i knew there's something different
saw you in a brand new way
like the clouds had somehow lifted
and if yesterday i heard myself saying these words
i would swear it was a lie

i don't know why but suddenly
i'm falling
was i so blind?
i was loving you all the time
now i'm hopelessly addicted
helplessly attracted

i'll make a wish this day
and i'll send it to the heavens
that we will always stay entwined like this forever
and though the world may change
cos nothing stays the same
i know we will survive

i don't know why but suddenly
i'm falling
was i so blind?
i was loving you all the time
now i'm hopelessly addicted
naturally we acted

hopelessly addicted
helplessly attracted
chemically reacted
i was loving you all the time
hopelessly addicted
helplessly attracted
chemically reacted
naturally we acted.

*hopelessly addicted//the corrs

2006-10-08T02:05:00.000+08:00

spent a large part of today in bed.. again.

cramps on Friday resulted in me skiving off meals, and since meals have become such a big part of life now in hall (ie. i've been eating a lot a lot a lot), my eating less has had a significant impact on my digestive system. i think cos my stomach's been used to constantly having a lot of food to digest, the skimpy meals the last few days have resulted in my stomach digesting itself cos i haven't been eating constantly. to cut a long story short, i've been having gastric on top of cramps. which is a first, cos i've been able to eat significantly less during my cramp days in the past without having to suffer through gastric woes as well. ohwell. changes in my body.

i feel so inspired to study now. my brain doesn't feel like it's been stuffed with cotton wool now, unlike this afternoon when i tried to study stats. shit lah, i think my body clock's been wound to enable me to best function at night. and FUNNY HOURS OF NIGHT, i might add. argh. but i gotta get up at 7am for mass tomorrow morning. and core meeting after mass and my grandma's birthday lunch at Serangoon Country Club after that and ohmygoodness my day's so packed tomorrow. come to think about it, my upcoming week's gonna be damn busy too. econs presentation on Friday, all the hall comm interviews somewhere along the week, IHG soccer tryouts on Wednesday and IFG netball games on Monday AND Wednesday (which, surprise surprise! i have trouble going for AGAIN cos Monday's game clashes with my film lecture at 6 and Wednesday game clashes with soccer trials) i am such a sucky vice-capt. :( and i can't believe i'm actually considering volunteering to be volleyball capt for IFG. but volleyball's so fun to play! i swear, i'm addicted to it. i accompanied Chelsa and Yisi to the trials last Monday and ended up getting hooked to the game and going for trials on Wednesday too just for the heck of it.

and..... i've cut my hair and i'm VERY UPSET about it. i look like a bloody mushroom now lah. argh. all i wanted was a trim to snip off all the split ends, and what did the lady do? she snipped off SO MUCH OF THE LENGTH and was more interested in promoting her shop's products than in cutting my hair. like everytime she brought up a particular problem with my hair (eg dryness due to colour, perm blahblah), she would put down her scissors and turn round to take the relevant product from the shelf, unscrew the cap and wave the bottle under my nose and ask me to smell it. like hello, how will smelling help?? and i think she always forgot how much she cut after she went off to get her product so she would start off cutting a lot again. i was perfectly happy with my long hair cos the weight kept the curls at bay, but now that it's shorter and more layered, my curls are totally out of control again. i cannot wait for my hair to grow out again. i really really can't. i'm never going there to cut again. from now on, i'm going to make an appointment with my regular hair stylist and make a point to go there even if it kills me to travel. i will NOT risk colouring my hair at that woman's place. speaking of which, i can't wait for my hair to grow longer again so i can colour AND perm it again cos both of the abovementioned are rapidly growing out.

shucks man i really want to start studying some stats but it's really late and i should be sleeping soon. oh and i can't believe i slept at a fairly normal time last night - 1130pm!! i was dead tired last night lah, i think enduring the cramps just sapped all my energy for the day even though i spent so much of yesterday in bed. and tuition just now was quite inspiring. i feel rather accomplished, even though i don't really have a concrete reason to feel that way. i think it's the feeling that you've managed to help someone understand something that you were struggling with yourself a year ago. it's a goooooood feeling i must say. and her parents gave me Raffles Hotel snowskin mooncake with crunchy chocolate bits inside and champagne-centred chocolate. heavenly, i tell you. i think another reason why i feel so accomplished is the fact that i've signed up for the comms in KR, for which applications close tomorrow night. i missed the first round of applications so i feel good that i've managed to sign up in this round.

okayokay i think i shall go sleep after reading a bit of my mno textbook. i think i've been obsessed with it these days, but i can't help it. it's rather interesting you know! a bit of psychology and why people behave in a certain way and all. i like. :) and what a wonderfully long post tonight. i feel accomplished again cos i haven't typed in such complete sentences for such a long time. heh.

2006-10-06T20:13:00.000+08:00

i'm at homeeee! :)
sitting in my lovely air-conditioned room with msn working perfectly fine and not shutting down on me every 10 minutes.

i spent the better part of the day curled up in bed cos my stupid cramps came back, less viciously than before i might add, but still, they came back. paaaain. :( couldn't get up to go for any of my classes today cos i felt so dizzy and lightheaded. and my lunch was dangerously close to being thrown up, so i just lay in bed and drifted in and out of sleep.

i discovered last night that chocolate makes your cramps subside somewhat, courtesy of my neighbour Mun Yin and Peklyn. i've sworn off pink panadol for now, cos now it take 2 pills to kill the pain for just about an hour. my dependence is scarily high. so i'm just gonna struggle every month for a day without pills and just sleep the pain away.

i'm gonna sleep early tonight. even though i spent a good proportion of the day drifting in and out of fitful sleep, i need some GOOD sleep.

i kinda feel like watching Disney shows now. my player's playing Disney songs and i'm feeling like a little girl again. and i know this is really out of point, but i also feel like studying stats now. i brought my stats text home to practice and i KNOW this weekend's gonna be productive. i can feel it in my bones somewhere haha.

2006-10-05T12:56:00.000+08:00

there was a power outage last night at about 2am! was starting on my mno one-pager when my laptop screen suddenly went black. and so did the entire room and the rest of the corridor, for that matter.
some of the 5th floor girls decided to go up to the 7th floor and wait the night out cos it was getting unbearably hot and stuffy in the rooms without the fans working.
Alexis and i tested out the strength of the hammock! it was strong enough to contain the weight of both of us, and while we were swinging happily on it too. haha.
some of us played bridge on Alexis for a while before switching to playing word games and number games. i left the little party for a while to take something from Nick's room and ended up dozing off on the beanbag there for a while under the nice whir of the fan.

i never appreciated my fan until last night when it died on me.

i am currently a little sad due to certain reasons but i think i shall just go do my work. so much to do, so little time. and i don't feel like doing anything useful at all. okay i shall not wallow in self-pity and self-produced sadness.

2006-10-02T13:44:00.000+08:00

Singapore Film midterm is overrr! it wasn't too bad, 12 Storeys came out, as i somehow knew it would.

IT tutorial in 2 hours time. meanwhile, i'm gonna sleep the 2 hours away.
sleep has risen over lunch in Kelly's priority stakes.

2006-10-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

Cheryl's back in Singapore for the weekend!! :)
stupid girl, i had no idea she was coming back. and when i was leaving church after mass, she suddenly came right next to me to poke me, i thought i was seeing a ghost cos i thought she was still in Malaysia.

on a more annoyed note:
my productivity level today is below sub-zero. do you have any idea how deplorable terrible horrible "below sub-zero"'s implications are? i am bloody dead. i only managed to finish all of ONE film the entire afternoon, and that was partly cos a lot of the material i used, i managed to glean from the lecture notes.
i still have Twelve Storeys and Bujang Lapok to tackle. my main concern is Twelve Storeys though. i think it's a deeper film than i'm giving it credit for but i'm just too fricking lazy to work my brains and organise all the thoughts about the show floating in there onto a piece of paper.

ughhhhhh. i procrastinated AGAIN. just did TWO mno surveys online. and transferred another 50 songs onto my hard disk.
Kelly, you suuuuuuuuck. you need a large dose of discipline and energy in your life right now, because I AM FALLING ASLEEP ON MY CHAIR. argharghargh bleaaaaaahh.

2006-10-01T02:21:00.000+08:00

hehe i can't believe i was bored enough to do all those blogthings.com quizzes last night.
but then again, i am pretty much in a good mood now cos of 3 things:

firstly, i have expanded my song library by about 50%! my music folder has exploded from a mere 300 songs earlier today to 452 songs and counting as of now! :)

secondly, today's PAY DAY!!!!!!!!! and because i've been working extra hard this month with the threat of mother darling threatening to cut my allowance by 100 %, today's payday was extraaaaa sweet.
end of the month tuitions are always to-die-for.

thirdly, my parents treated me to a scrumptious lunch at Centrepoint today!!! black pepper crayfish horfun and ginseng chicken soup - bestbestbest lunch i've had in the longest time ever. i was damn surprised they suggested eating in town today after picking me up from hall at 11 though, cos we neverever go to town for lunch on weekends nowadays. ohwell, i'm not complaining! haha. cup corn after that made me even happier and contented. :))

i seem to have a thing for percentages and stats today. i must be feeling guilty about my untouched stats tutorial waiting for me in my bag. but whocares! hehe.
today was a greeeeaat Saturday with wonderful food, parents in a good mood, tuition pay and more songs in my song library. oh and did i mention the satisfying afternoon nap in the rain under my comforter? yeaaaahh. :) i think i half fulfilled my dream of sleeping in bed on a rainy day like a fat cat. i'm so contented that if i were a cat i could purr now. heh.